Hi. I will try to keep this as brief as possible so sorry if it is a long post.

I met my girlfriend online just before Christmas and right away we hit it off. We have been together for 5 + months now. From day one we would spend our weekends together (she would come over to my place) and sometimes one weeknight. I am 35 and she is two years older than me. She had her kids young (her son graduates from high school today, he's 18 and her daughter is 15).

We have done everything right by taking things slow and I remember one time about two months into it, she slipped the words I love you... I did not make a big deal about it but did not actually tell her I loved her until about a month and a half ago. We have always gotten along great. She got herself into financial trouble right before I met her and had to give up her apartment to move back in with her parents. She has a really nice family, her mom, dad; her and her two kids live there while she gets back on her feet. I have been over countless times for dinner and barbeques and I get along with everyone great. She likes the fact that I don't pressure her kids and they like me a lot. We have always been super affectionate with each other and do everything together when we are together on the weekends. She has always called or texted me every day... Usually calling me before bedtime to talk for a few minutes on days we would do our own thing.

She used to live in Vegas, and we both have stressful jobs and we decided to go on a week’s vacation (last week). Around the middle of the vacation, we went out on the strip and I had one of these tall drinks that are pretty strong, etc. Well, I didn't notice it, but apparently I was a completely different person. She just said I seemed agitated and she thought it was because of how I must get when drinking the hard stuff.

The next day the same thing. Same result. So we got up that morning and went out to buy some water at a Walgreen’s and I said that I was thinking about getting her a massage there. Then she said to me that we should be honest here and that she didn't feel like we were connecting. That she thinks that when I drink that much, I become a completely different person. After this, she would not hug me, and we just walked around like matter of fact. She told me a short time later that it would take her a little time not to feel this way but she would be OK. Things got better and we made love, just like we always have, and I whispered in her ear that I had no idea I was behaving like that and that I was sorry. She said she believed me and all was well again. In fact, for the rest of the vacation, it went very well. I didn't touch another drink except for a couple of beers that we both had out and everything was great.

After this we got home on a Saturday and the next day (Sunday - which was also Father's day) she invited me over to her parents for dinner. Everything went well, and she even gave me a card and some candy and the card was about being a gentleman and she emphasized that this was true. I always held doors for her, opened her car door... gave her massages, etc. She did tell me on the way over to her parents that her dad and her had the weirdest conversation. He had asked her where she saw herself in a future with me. He was like, you guys have been together for a while now, he is always around the family and your friends, and now you guys have been on vacation together. She told me she said that she plans on having a future with me, whether that means marriage or just being a lifetime partner, and that there are some things we would want to take care of before living together but that she saw this future with me.

I should also mention that 2 days prior to our vacation, I ran into a problem with the DMV and lost my registration privileges so I can't drive for a few months. So, I had to go to where my work is to grab an on call phone for my work. She offered to take me there and so that is what she did. She took me over and brought me back home, but she had to leave because of some obligations for her kids. I gave her several kisses and then she left. Later that night I sent her a text message just like I always would "xoxoxxx". Usually she would call me back or text back or something. Well I got a text from her the next morning and she said that she was sorry for not getting back to me last night - I'm just enjoying some "me" time. I thought nothing of this. But over the next day, I noticed that she wasn't texting or calling me which she always has done from day one so this was a bit unusual. Again, no big deal. It is now Thursday, and she sends me some texts in the morning (stuff about all the Celebs dying this week) and everything seems OK. She calls me before bed like she always did and we talk for a few before she goes to bed. It's now Friday, and she texts me in the morning a couple of times, but usually nothing big because we are both working. Then about 5:30 when we are both done working I sent her a text and asked what she was doing. She said that she had to go to her daughter's soccer game and had to get cat food. I texted her back and asked what she was doing later and if she wanted to get together. She responded that she would first need to see what her daughter would be doing after the game and would let me know. I sent one more text saying OK; let me know because I kind of miss you. It was one of our ways to be sarcastic with each other. She called me a short time later and picked me up and we both went to the soccer game and then dropped her off back home and the plan was to get some dinner somewhere. When we were alone in the car again I put my hand on her leg as I often did when we were driving. She then says to me that she needed to tell me that she was not feeling very affectionate right now and the fact that I was touching her was kind of freaking her out right now. She went on to say that she had been enjoying some "me" time and that she couldn't shut her kids out but could me and that she has learned to say these things rather than hold it in otherwise she would just get really angry. I said OK, no problem and moved my hand. Something was a bit off about her... A side I hadn't seen before. She seemed rushed, irritated, and not very engaged with me. We ended up meeting one of her friends that I know too for dinner then went out for a few drinks afterwards. Long story short, there was an opportunity to converse with her friend and I asked her about this. She said to me, there is one thing you need to remember about her (my girlfriend). She said that she is just like one of the guys and that she gets this way sometimes and that it is not a big deal and just don't pressure her in any way and let it blow over. Everything will be fine she said. I should note that my girl is the quintessential girl next door type, especially in her personality and behavior. Well, it turns out that we all went in her friend’s car and the friend got drunk and my girl had to drive us back. But she dropped me off first and no kiss or anything and that was that.

The next morning, I felt really crappy. I knew something was not right. So around lunch time she calls me on the phone and said that she thinks she needs to be alone for a while. That there is all this stuff going on with the house and with her kids and that the X factor to drop something would be me. She said that a week was too much right now (referring to our vacation time together). That she is not so sure she is ready to be with someone every day. She apologized for "putting me through stuff" the day before but needed time to be alone for a while. She also said that the other day when she took me to work for the cell phone, that I was all over her and that she wasn’t feeling that way. She said this did not mean we were breaking up or anything. I was obviously in a state of shock but very calm and understanding about it. She even said she was surprised because she never had anyone in her life this understanding about something like this. I replied that it was because I am not like anyone else. We talked for about 15 minutes and then she was going to go hang out with her family and kids - go swimming and do a bbq, and that she would call me later. Well, she never called me later and still hasn't and I always usually heard from her by now.

I am willing to give her the space she needs. I told her, you do what you need to do and that I will be here for you.

I just did not see this coming AT ALL. I am confused, and very hurt. I understand that I can't contact her right now. I just can't see outside this bubble I am in. Can someone please tell me what is happening? Part of me thinks to myself, why can’t we just go back to seeing each other on the weekends and there is that space that we have always had. It just seems to me that this whole week we spent together everyday just screwed everything up. And we really did get along for most of the trip – very affectionate, laughing, just like usual. I am sorry for the long post!

Thanks!

Give her what she asks for, and back away from her, and take the time to get your own life in order, and be happy without her.

Hey, it didn't work out, so leave it alone, and do your own thing. Happens to the best of us, but you will recover if you pay attention to your own adjustments now.

Thanks for the words, man.

Does anyone have anything else to add? I feel like I've lost my best friend. But did I really?

Also, what if she calls me in the near future? I have done some reading on other's posts and I understand the no contact thing. I understand that if she calls me, it is probably a guilt call. I am thinking about what she is putting me through which makes it easier for me not to pick up right away. You know, make her wonder a little bit. Besides she didn't say that it was like we were breaking up or anything. BUT, if I do not answer her calls right away, it just feels like a game to me. Is it?


One other thing that I just remembered... She told me that she doesn't know why she feels this way right now. And also I know that she takes a prescription for anxiety and know that she has a lot going on with the kids, living with the parents, and job. She is definitely stressed out right now.


Sorry, one other thing. :)

She has always told me that coming to see me and staying on the weekends was like a great escape from all that goes on in her life. We were always very close.

I would appreciate any further input! Thanks!

Also, what if she calls me in the near future? I have done some reading on other's posts and I understand the no contact thing. I understand that if she calls me, it is probably a guilt call. I am thinking about what she is putting me through which makes it easier for me not to pick up right away. You know, make her wonder a little bit. Besides she didn't say that it was like we were breaking up or anything. BUT, if I do not answer her calls right away, it just feels like a game to me. Is it?
If your doing what your supposed to for yourself, you would not be worried about the what ifs of the future until they happen. Either way, keep it short and very brief. She is putting you through nothing and you have great power and control as to your own healing, and the direction your life takes.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, revoke your partners relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- A break up brings many emotions to deal with, don't let false hope make you let your mind play tricks on you.

Make decisions based on facts, and not just feelings, Thats what NO CONTACT does for you. Thats how you heal.


One other thing that I just remembered... She told me that she doesn't know why she feels this way right now. And also I know that she takes a prescription for anxiety and know that she has a lot going on with the kids, living with the parents, and job. She is definitely stressed out right now.

What does any of that have to do with you and what she has asked of you? / NOTHING AT ALL. The fact is no matter what you think, she knows she needs space. And that's the bottom line on that.


Sorry, one other thing. :)

She has always told me that coming to see me and staying on the weekends was like a great escape from all that goes on in her life. We were always very close.

I would appreciate any further input! Thanks!
When she asked for space, all those lofty plans are out of the window. That's one of the consequences of dumping someone, the plans are over with. As a matter of fact, that's one of the things you stand up for yourself with, her needs, and wants, over your healing.

What she wants is no longer your concern.

I get what you are saying...

What did it have to do with me? Nothing.

I am just trying to wrap my head around why this is happening. There were absolutely no warning signs that I could see - outside of a brief argument that made for awkwardness on 1 day in the middle of the vacation we went on... Maybe that was enough, I don't know.

I am just wrestling with one of two thoughts. Either it is my fault that things are the way they are now, or not. If the latter, then that would make me feel a tiny bit better about all of this. This really came out of the blue - totally unexpected.

So you really think this is over?

She said to me that this did not mean we were breaking up or anything... I just think I need to be alone for a little while.

If what she is saying is code for the inevitable, I wish she would have just come out and said it. Obviously, I am clinging to the hopeful idea that there is some possibility that if she has this time, then she might come back. I don't know... I'm trying to be strong here but I am absolutely beating myself up over this.

We all can be confused when we get dumped. That's why my advice is to forget her and take care of you. I think things will be much clearer to you after the shock has worn off. It obvious your not ready to accept the reality of your situation yet, and that's understandable.

There is a link in my signature to the "stickies" at the beginning of this forum. Please check them out, all of them.

So I just wanted to share that last night I had a few too many beers and it was late. The plan is to use NC and it went well all day. Then I do the dumbest thing by accident. I was looking at her Face book page last night in my drunken stupor and updated my status on her page. I realized right after I did this and thought I deleted it.

This morning she sends me a text and says, "Hi, I think you accidentally left a message for someone else on my face book page". I responded an hour and a half later, "Lol, Oops! Not sure how I managed to do that"

So much for NC right? I had every intention of doing it and then I mess it up unintentionally. :)

Everyone has slip ups at first, the trick is not to dwell on it, get back on track and you will recover soon enough

Get back on the NC path, and stop making drunk excuses for dumb behavior.

From what you've said in your post, this woman is in her late 30s. You are probably dealing with raging hormones and the onset of the so-called "change in life." You may have to get used to it, or if it's too much for you to handle, back off for a while (actually, a long while, like a few years, until she calms down again.) Also, what do you know about her medical history? Has she ever been on antidepressants and does she have a habit of going on and off them? Is there a possibility that she could be pregnant and therefore stopped taking her latest medication for fear of harming the baby? And did she do so without consulting her physician? I bring up these points because I've dealt with similar situations myself in the past. Her erratic and inconsistent behavior sounds very much like such a pattern, of on-again, off-again antidepressant medication. Look into it.

I'd like to believe that hormones are to blame. It would help me understand this erratic behavior of hers (like not wanting me to touch her all of a sudden). I mean she LOVED affection and we were always like that towards one another.

As far as her med history, I don't know all that much. I do know that she has meds for anxiety and I think an anti-depressant but I didn't make it my business to analyze that. She got divorced from her EX a couple of years ago and he is a real piece of work for her to deal with. I know she was taking anxiety meds to cope with his crap plus being on her own with her two teenage children a while back, but things seem to be very civil now with that. Plus her job at the time was stressful. Since then a lot of that pressure has been relieved by temporarily moving back in with her parents, and she got promoted to a new job earlier in the year where the stress factor got cut out almost altogether for her. She still takes these meds as far as I know but I can't tell you if she has ever gone off them or not.

Is there a possibility that she could be pregnant? I mean, I guess anything is possible. She has an IUD in place and I know they are extremely effective, and she just got it replaced when I met her. Because of her IUD, I don't wear any protection and we had sex pretty much every time we were together (average of 2 -4 times per week) since December of last year.

I'd like to believe that hormones are to blame. It would help me understand this erratic behavior of hers (like not wanting me to touch her all of a sudden). I mean she LOVED affection and we were always like that towards one another.

As far as her med history, I don't know all that much. I do know that she has meds for anxiety and I think an anti-depressant but I didn't make it my business to analyze that. She got divorced from her EX a couple of years ago and he is a real piece of work for her to deal with. I know she was taking anxiety meds to cope with his crap plus being on her own with her two teenage children a while back, but things seem to be very civil now with that. Plus her job at the time was stressful. Since then a lot of that pressure has been relieved by temporarily moving back in with her parents, and she got promoted to a new job earlier in the year where the stress factor got cut out almost altogether for her. She still takes these meds as far as I know but I can't tell you if she has ever gone off of them or not.

Is there a possibility that she could be pregnant? I mean, I guess anything is possible. She has an IUD in place and I know they are extremely effective, and she just got it replaced when I met her. Because of her IUD, I don't wear any protection and we had sex pretty much every time we were together (average of 2 -4 times per week) since December of last year.I think you've just answered a lot of your own questions here. I'd try to get her to level with you about what could be going on with her medically. Emphasize that you're concerned about her out-of-character behavior. I believe that you're entitled to honestly here so try to get that from her.

Thanks for your input S_Cianci. I agree with your idea of leveling with her. But, this is if I get the opportunity to speak with her. I mean, I don't plan on or think that I should be contacting her. So, I guess if she ever plans to contact me again, then I might have the opportunity to ask these things. Right now I'm not so sure if she ever will.

Also, I wonder what influential role if any her Dad may have played in this when he asked her what future she thought she might have with me. Going from an answer of thinking about being together as life-long partners, possible marriage, way down the road, etc to this stage a couple of days later doesn't seem to add up at all.

For right now I would avoid contacting her. Then if she calls you and questions you as to why you've been avoiding her, you can lay it on the table for her. From what you've said in your other posts it sounds like her Dad and her whole family like you and perhaps are hoping that you'll end up becoming a part of the family by marrying her. Whether that spooked her or not is hard to say for sure. But right now you're in a holding pattern. Time to find some other people and activities to occupy your time right now.

It is now day 3 without hearing her voice. This is so ****ing hard!

It is now day 3 without hearing her voice. This is so ****ing hard!

Who ever said the best decision for us will always be the easy ones. “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending, your ending should involve your mental healing, and making the best out of what seems right now to be a hard situation.

"“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
Unknown.

Update:

She calls me tonight. We have a few laughs and she asks me how I've been doing. I told her I've been keeping busy and that I was glad to hear from her. I asked her how she's been doing... She said OK.

She said she still didn't know what she was going to do but that she respected the fact that I gave her space. I said that I wanted to call her a couple of times but listened to her and wanted to respect her feelings. She goes on to say that she thinks that I'm probably the kindest man she has ever met (I'm also the first significant boyfriend she has had in a while too). But maybe we would make better friends, she doesn't know.

I said that I found what she did last week really hard to wrap my head around because me being the analytical type, there had to be a reason for it.

And there is...

She said that there is something that she really didn't want to tell me about. Then she said, you know, I'll just have to tell you because it will be the only way you will understand what I'm dealing with.

Recall my first post when I mentioned that she lived in Vegas for a few years. This was around a decade ago (she has been back for about 5 years). We had a slight argument about being on the same page and a lot of that had to be with me turning into a different person when I drank the hard stuff (which it was Las Vegas and perusing the strip). That was in the middle of the week, and the rest of the trip was really great. Well, she told me that when we were out at the pool in our hotel, the day after this, she actually spotted her ex-boyfriend from Vegas. She doesn't think he saw her but it made her sick to her stomach she said. She went on to tell me that she had a very powerful relationship with him and she was overcome with those feelings when she spotted him. * I mean what are the odds of that happening? * She told me that she didn't want to tell me about seeing him right then and there, but those powerful feelings that she had with him, she did not feel as intensely with me... That is what she has been thinking about. She said that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about these feelings. She said that there was no way that they would ever get back together, that she hasn't contacted him, or would she know how to. She said that wouldn't happen, but she is going through the whole, what if I'm looking for that kind of powerful connection again... Maybe it doesn't exist but it wouldn't be fair to me to lead me on in any way kind of thing.

At this point I become a little quieter, but I'm calm and understanding... I said to her, I hear what you are saying and I understand this must be hard for you, that it is a lot of feelings to sift through. But... I said... I am tangible... Real... I am right here for you just like always. I said, in my mind, you know you are not going to get back together with him, and that you may be looking for something that is not real (she said this part earlier - just remembered). So to me, I can't understand why we can't keep going and give this another try, take things slow. I was like, I don't want to give up on you because it's not like we have been dating for a month. I told her we should just slow this way down and see if what we have cultivated so far over these 6 months is worth giving up. Keep in mind that just the week prior and for a couple of months now, she saw a future with me in the way of life partners or marriage.

Also remember, that my birthday is tomorrow and hers is Friday. She said that she wanted to take me out tomorrow for my birthday and have a good time but at the same time, she wasn't sure - especially from what she just told me and what has happened over the past week.

So, I mentioned to her that lets go out tomorrow on my birthday and have a few drinks, just have fun, and take things really really slow - no pressure at all. She said really? I said of course, I can move at a snails pace which in turn made her laugh... It is all I could ask for right now and I would like that I told her. She said OK. She said we'll go out, have fun, take things slow, and see if there is a spark there (not her exact words but implied)

Now part of me is relieved that I know why this happened, because we truly have had a great relationship and there was no explanation I could find for why things turned out the way they did recently. But part of me is like, how unreal and what are the odds that this guy would be down there in the exact place and time on our vacation. And why is it my luck that this s**t would happen to possibly ruin our relationship.

I am in uncharted territory here. I have never dealt with anything like this before. So, I need some advice on how I handle tomorrow night when I see her. I plan on just having a good time (I mean, it's my birthday) and I won't make any advances on her or anything like that. But, do I try to think about and act upon what attracted her to me in the first place? Or do I just lay low? I'm not sure how to approach it because the last thing I want to do is pressure this and her. Basically, I am asking what you guys would do if you were me in this situation, how I should be tomorrow night around her and with her. Because, I really want to give this the best possible shot of reconciliation if there is a chance of it.

Any and all thoughts / advice / tips would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks!

Again, please let me know of any advice any of you have on this one... I could use it... :)

I just did not see this coming AT ALL.
I know how you feel. I've said the same thing before, but in retrospect all the signs were there and they did catch my attention at the time, I just chose to ignore them; you're doing the same.


Basically, I am asking what you guys would do if you were me in this situation, how I should be tomorrow night around her and with her. Because, I really want to give this the best possible shot of reconciliation if there is a chance of it.

Well, what I would do is not see her anymore. Neither of you are getting anything out of it except for anxiety. She wants a relationship much different from your ideal relationship, so as far as reconciliation goes, I think your chances are very slim.

Thanks Slapshot.

Well, I am going to take her up on her offer of taking me out on my birthday. I will get a good feel for things tonight. But I plan on just being myself and having a good time and just enjoying the company.

I think I owe it to myself to at least try.

You know, I believe that all of us have that one person from our past that we felt a strong way for. I know I have. I just think that her feelings on this are sudden and that she needs time to deal with her feelings. But I am going into it with the mindset to prepare for the worst. And I think I need this tonight to help me whether reconciliation takes place. In other words, it will help me in the healing process because no matter what happens, I will know that I gave it my best shot and will not wonder the what if's years from now.

talaniman, I respect what you have to say... What is your take on this? Anyone else?

Well, I am going to take her up on her offer of taking me out on my birthday. I will get a good feel for things tonight. But I plan on just being myself and having a good time and just enjoying the company.


Have a Happy Birthday