Hi All, I am a mature woman of 37 years, I've had a number of short term and long term relationships, usually ended because I realised they weren't for me. I've been with my current boyfriend (he's 40) for the last 4 months. He doesn't seem to have had many relationships. He is kind, caring and very smitten with me. The physical side of our relationship is great too. However, my concern is that he wants the 'perfect relationship' too much. We've just come back from a long weekend away, having never really spending more than 2 days together on the trot. Obviously spending all this time together is the 'tester' in any relationship as to how you'd get on, in particular whether you you can stand any little personality traits! On the weekend it just felt (out of the bedroom) that he was trying too hard and not being completely honest about what he wanted to do or not do. This became apparent when I wanted to take part in an activity with him and instead of just saying he didn't fancy it(which would have been fine), on the morning of it he acted like he'd forgotten it and then when I reminded him he made excuses not to do it. This lack of honesty between us caused me annoyance! We did have a conversation about it, but he denies this was the case and that we will do it in the future (the activity!) but the activity wasn't the point it was his apparent reluctance to have a differing opinon to me! I would have more respect if he didn't agree with me all the time. I am not sure I love him enough to deal with his insecurities and inexperience when it comes to relationships, I feel ready after many years for a relationship but at my age do I stick with someone I care about but don't love as much as he loves me? I still don't feel in spite of my expressing how I feel he has been honest (by omission!) back, as by his own admission he hates confrontation. His background is an unreliable father (now dead), his mother is demanding he seems fearful of upsetting her and siblings/nephews/nieces that he has spent most of his free time with. Maybe we are in different places? My background is so different, I'm adventerous, have many interests, friends and a close family. I just feel bad for feeling this way. I like spending time with him but in shorter spells! Not the recipiefor marriage!Any advice would be helpful, Thanks

Compatibility before availability.

Relationships should not have so many obstacles. It should be more natural. Especially if you've only been together for 4 months and you already have so many problems, it's time to make a clean break.

Hello,you sound like a women who has her life together and knows what she wants.. you have a full life and are happy without a relationship with a man,that's good,in fact,that's the way it should be...
Don't settle..
Caring about a man is not enough to spend your life with him,a relationship should first be based on friendship.
If you're the type of women who likes a straight talking man,who says what he means and means what he says... then this guy possibly is not for you..

compatibility before availability. : not sure what you mean I'm afraid or which one of us! We have been very compatible before now-maybe I should have explained that.

Our relationship has been much without obstables, unfortunately my man seems to suffer from a lack of self esteem, he is unsure of himself and is trying too hard. In his own words he 'needs to chill out'. This is all due to his lack of self belief aand I've told him this. I know that this is due to probably leading a cautious life (he never seems to have walked on the'wild side'!) where as I am more of a risk taker (not in a dangerous way!)

I've just come beat of the phone to a friend who said that she's spent the weekend feeling irritated with her husband and if you ran every time something like that happened you'd never settle down with anyone!

When my boyfriend and I discussed it he beat himself up (not physically) about it, with reflects the self esteem issue.

Having read the two answers above I've got to admit its not what I wanted to hear! Having more of a perspective (time helps) I think I need to discuss this with him some more. He has been working on his self esteem anyway and is aware that he needs to stop putting himself down etc.

Any other advice I'd be grateful for... thanks so far

Redhead thanks I've seen your answer, very helpful. My boyfriend is striving to improve himself anyway, he's very self aware and knows that he may have missed out on 'life' by always putting others ahead of his own needs. I suppose I need to decide if I care about him enough to stick around, as I know it doesn't happen over night!

Threads merged and edited

All was fine until we went away last weekend and spent 5 days/24/7 together ! Overall we had a good time, but it became apparent he has some behaviour traits that annoyed/concerned me! Plus he recently admitted that he is scared to be open and honest (about normal stuff i.e.. Disagreeing with me or saying he doesn't want to do something) in case he loses me. The behaviour stuff is a bit obsessional for example parking his car and checking its okay several times. Making lists on yellow post it notes. He even kept a note reminding himself to apologise to me for something, when I saw it he denied it, but it was a whole paragraph on what to say. In fact the thing thought he should be apologising for just wasn't an issue it just annoyed me at the time. He will also ask the same question to check on the answer several times. He seems to have to be structured and has in the past rang me to discuss the ins and outs of a simple night out (to me anyway) 3 weeks ahead of the event.

I am the independent sort with lots of interests, I'm happy with a lovely family and loads of good friends. His family (in his words) don't get on. His mother is 'difficult' and demanding. He hates confrontation, but sometimes issues have to be dealt with and it doesn't mean an argument. In essence he just appears afraid of opposing anyone for the fear of upset. I don't know how he goes through life walking on eggshells. I am beginning to have a problem with it and I'm not sure I want this in a relationship, albeit all relationships have some issues, but Im not sure I want to be with someone who is scared to share his feelings for fear of the consequences. I am not aggressive/scarey or horrible.

If I'm being honest it is making me feel I don't love him enough to continue. I want to be his girlfriend not a counsellor or development coach.

Any points of view welcome, although I may know the answer. I haven't met the right one for me yet! Or am I just a difficult so and so!

I think that your finding things out, and questioning them, and that's great really, as that's the idea of dating, having fun getting to know each other.

Have fun, but don't ignore the things your finding out. Just me, I think people get attached and become exclusive way to early, and ignore all the signs they come across.

5 months is no time, but your already seeing obstacles and glitches. Keep paying attention, and make a decision based on the facts you know, and ask questions about the ones you don't know.

Its easy to assume, but don't. Ask about what you want to know.

Thanks for your answer. You are right I am finding out about obsticles and glitches. Its made me realise my love for him isn't strong enough to stick with it and work at it. Hope this doesn't make me a failure. Ido feel sad though but as someone earlier said, Im at the stage where I know what I want, my boyfriend is still at the early stage of dealing with his insecurites and I have to put myself first.

Don't know if anyone can help me further? I have made my decision what's the best way to break things up. I know there is no pain free way to do it and know it is as simple as "I dont love you" for me, I do not want to personally attack him with what appears to be his shortcomings, that's not why I don't love him. Obviously if he wants to ask the questions I will answer but I don't want to maximise the pain or patronise him either. I've considered 1/Inviting him to my home to tell him - but the problem is he has a long drive home and assuming he is upset I wouldn't want him to drive like that. 2/ Meeting him in public halfway for both of us - the pitfall being if he was to get upset in public that wouldn't be great either 3/ Ive written a draft e mail that is too the point and should he want to talk I could then maybe meet him - this might be cowardly/callous.

I feel really horrible but I know in my heart of hearts it's the right thing for us both. I've never been this worried about breaking up with someone due to his apparent vulnerabilities or am I just being OTT?

Advice would be welcome... thanks

Hey nikki..
I think your right in what you said about the e-mail.. dont do it that way.
If he is as vunerable as you say,could you have some support in place for him,do you know a family member of one of his friends..
Dam.. no.. thats not the way.
How about you go to him?
Be straight up.. tell him this is not working out for you,you have thought this out and you are not taking it lightly.
There is no easy way nikki,he will be hurt,hearts heal.
The one thing I will say is,if there is no hope of you both getting back together make sure he knows this,don't give him false hope.
Don't say,lets be friends,and don't say I love you.
Write down what you want to say,and practice it.Dont get side lined.. and bring a friend with you.. get them to wait in the car or near by out of sight,you too will need some emotional support when your done.

Thanks Redhead, he lives with his brother and family, I don't know them well enough to speak to them. I think I will meet him somewhere central for us both and like you say be straight with him. Thanks for acknowledging I need emotional support, its so hard but the right thing to do. I know because I love my family and friends through tough times but I truly believe that he has unresolved issues that I can't help him with or feel inclined to support him, I have to put myself first and that to me is an indication that the feelings aren't there. Still feel rotten though!

I have always been of a mind if you don't put yourself first,i.e. care about your own mental,emotional,physical health,you will be no good or help to anyone else..
If this is the right thing for you,and you seem sure then this is the right thing to do.
This man is drowning,and if you don't start swimming you will drown to..
Only he can save himself..
Save yourself for a new day,and the man that is your equal,a friend and lover.
He is out there,and when your ready and give yourself time to recover from this,I have no doubt you will make a wonderful supportive partner.

Thanks red head! You are making great sense and it puts it into perspective for me. That's all I needed, take care...

I met up with my now ex to tell him tonight-face to face. I felt so sick before hand, but relieved after which indictes that I did what was right for me. I was direct, used eye contact and I believe wasn't hurtful (aprt from the act itself). He said he was disappointed but I explained the love just wasn't there for me to support him through his insecurities, that had to put myself first and my future. I got home and despite promising he wouldn't pester me he has sent me a text, which was kind of nice, thanking me for doing it 'face to face'. He had to add though, 'if only we could have worked through this earlier', there was no talking (from him I think he meant) etc. Earlier wouldn't of made any difference, I didn't love him. I've learnt so much. I didn't answer the text I got the feeling he wanted to open up the conversation, when he had plenty of time earlier, I had made my decision!

Thanks for all the advice, esp RedHead

You did the right thing for you both by just being honest.

Well done.
The rest of your life is waiting for you..
Go get it!

Have an honest talk with him and reassure him that it's OK if he doesn't like all of the same things you do or if you don't always see eye to eye on every issue. A lot of women will judge a potential boyfriend on how much they have in common when it comes to such things. Not necessarily always the best predictor of romantic success or failure in my opinion but that's just my feeling on the matter. Likewise, a woman will also use a lack of such common interests as an excuse to end things. This guy has no doubt dealt with that before (I know I sure have!) Being honest and upfront with him will let him see how strong and secure with yourself you are and he will then probably feel more comfortable with being himself around you.