Hello everyone, I have some problems with my father. And thank you for reading.(Also I'm 20)

(BACKGROUND)
Ok my dad has never really been a big part of my life, my mom raised my brother and I. Although I did live with him for a few years during high school (because his house was closer to the school than my mom's house) When I was around 3 my dad had a kid with another women and then a few years after had another child with the same women ( So I have 2half sisters now) That relationship didn't last long. He started dating another person for about 10years. The girl was psycho, jealous, crazy toward my sisters and I. Lucky they broke up. Now he's with a new girl and they have there own business together and she just recently got pregnant from him. So now I have another sibling on the way. ( By the way my brother told me about the pregnancy) Also my dad used to do A lot of drugs, I mean hardcore drugs.

So my problem,(My dad lives 2hours north of me now) Ok my dad's relationship with me is going downhill. Sometimes we won't talk for months. Whenever I call him, he does answer but will ignore me or talk to someone else in room, it is so difficult to deal with.

Now he has his new life with his girlfriend and child on the way. I called him a few days ago and he said he was driving down here to pick up my sisters for fathers day and drive them back to his house and he invited me. I was so happy and siad Ya pick me up! So I went to the mall and got him a fathers day gift and everything.

Friday evening I called to confirm and he told me my sisters aren't able to go to his house anymore so he's not driving down (LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH? ) so I also have no free weekends left and I'm leaving the country for 2months in 2weeks) And I told him and he said oh well I'm busy I will call you back.. no call back.

Saturday.. no call.

Sunday (today fathers day) I call him and he is cleaning the house and appearently his gf's parents and everyone are going there for dinner and I was like oh cool and he's like I'm busy I will call you later.. it is now 10:30pm here.. no call.

I don't no what to do! I got him a present and everything and also I can't return it because I got stuff engraved in it. What do you guys suggest to do??

Jenny, this might not be what you want to hear , but I'm going to say it anyway.. It sounds to me like he has moved on and has shifted his priority to his "new" life and doesn't much care about his past Family. I hope you can move on with out him as a part of your life without falling into the "I Need a Father Figure" mentality, which is nothing but, trouble!
And this is just my opinion but If I were you I would just focus on your relationship with your Mother and Brother. (and possibly Half- Sisters if you choose too?) It is VERY important to have Family in your life, but if He isn't willing to even make an effort for you, then the cost of that gift you bought will be cheap compared to the Heartache you will feel for years to come if you allow him to continue treating you this way.
I Wish You Luck

Having had 5 daughters of my own.3 biological and two step daughters as my wife was previously married. I commend you for your presence of mind as a loving daughter although the many circumstances that you did not bring about to your life but your dad being daughter did. You have done your part and that is always the right thing to do. You will never operate out of guilt when it comes to issues with your dad because you have done the right thing. The present the past and the future of any ongoing solid daughter with your dad will be totally on him . As he gets older and hopefully more mature it doesn't matter what stage he will be able to maybe see something engraved especially dedicated to him from you. No acknowledgement is needed on your part other than knowing you have always tried to be a great daughter.

I know it will be hard for you and this may not be the best advice to give but do him the way he has been doing you. When you stop calling for awhile he will wonder why you have stopped if he is a father that is, and he might possibly call you. When he does (if he does) don't answer. If he calls again answer and tell him that you are busy and make it short and sweet. This will show him how you feel when you call and get the same thing over and over again. I hope you can get that father daughter relationship back with your father. Good luck!

I'm not for leaving him to his own life. Yes, he has a barrage of children from different mothers and some of them are younger than you, but you are still his daughter.

What I would do is write him a letter, and let him know that you'd like to see him. Let him know that you've been missing him and let him also know that you understand that he's got a lot of new responsibilities in his life.

Suggest that you might come up to see him and say, have lunch together. Once you're speaking with him face-to-face you can give him the present and connect with him as a person.

I suspect that with all those children and all those exes he feels that he has little time for anything and clearly he doesn't know how to manage his responsibilities. This is something that you will have to accept if you want to see him or spend time with him.

Perhaps next time he says - I'll ring you - you can gently say, "well, don't make promises you can't keep Dad".

You probably need to lower your expectations with your Dad, understand that he's a hands off father and understand that this may never change.

Jenny,

You've gotten good advice from the others here. Along with that, I suggest that you consider your father as a person. Not as your Dad, just as an individual.This is hard to do at 20, but it will happen by the time you are 40, so just take some time and accelerate your maturation in this one area. It will make everything easier.

Your father appears to have at least two afflictions: hard drug addiction and "serial parenting without responsibility." I made up the term, but he mates and makes children without understanding—not wanting to understand, most likely— that he has a lifelong relationship with each of you and with each of your mothers.

He doesn't know how to be in and sustain a relationship with women, with his children, and maybe other men. He's stuck in the immediate moment, where his need is, where he wants to feel good, and that's all. If someone makes him think about opening himself to the vulnerabilities of caring, sacrificing, committing, and loving, he has no use for them. At least lately.

This is who he appears to be, based on your narrative. You happen to be his oldest daughter, so you are getting the brunt of his avoidance of anything reminding him of his connection to your mother. So, as heartbreaking as it is, don't take his behavior personally. It's not about you.

But it's you he's blowing off. From what you say, he's trying to ignore you: the behavior on the phone, the cancellation, the promises to call that didn't happen. He's got to be working hard to keep himself from opening up! And you, through no fault of your own it appears, are to him like a can opener.

Take a few breaths and digest this. This man has a condition that disables him from relating in a healthy way. He's not going to get better for a while, if at all. Right now, you can't change that.

But you don't have to suffer with him, or for him. You can, though, take care of yourself, maybe counsel with your sisters, and drop any expectations you might have about him that when disappointed would wound you. This man, your father, is a man with problems.

Taking the right distance from him will save you from unnecessary suffering. He will always be your father, and changes and reconciliations happen in people's lives. There is no need to close your heart to him, just to give him distance, treat him like he is addicted to drugs and behaviors (you might read up on this), don't waste time judging him, and be the person you are.

You established your personality as distinct from your family long ago, and you can separate from him—taking the right distance for you—now. Does this make sense?

If so, let yourself go on your trip without leaving part of you home to agonize about him. See some more of the world and learn and grow without thinking about him. Think through what you need, and what you want, and how you intend to live as an adult. Just be a freestanding adult.

Oh, and if it were me, I'd send him the engraved gift with a letter or just a note saying something like: "Happy Father's Day, Dad. I wish we could have celebrated together, and I hope you enjoy this gift. If you want to talk after I return, just let me know."

And I would leave it at that. I wouldn't try to contact him, and would let him reach out to me. He has to come around because he respects you and he will respect you when you insist on his part being there—not just yours—and do it without anger, just quiet determination. It might take months or even years, but establishing an inviolable boundary is the only way either of you has a chance at a healthy relationship.

What do you think about this approach?

Tao

Sorry you have a zip damn, uncaring father. That doesn't mean you can't love him, but it does mean you can't rely on him to love you, if that makes sense. He is the one who loses out in the long run. Maybe someday he will be sorry he was such an idiot, but for now, don't let him hurt you.