I have been dating a girl for about two months and everything was going fantastic. She has two young children who I got along with great. She told me she was tired of looking and was ready for a serious relationship.

When we first started dating we worked at the same company in different departments. A week after we started seeing each other she lost her job, which was rough on her. I was there to support her and help her search for a new job. Things continued to go good and we grew closer and often talked about a future together. She would often comment about how much she loved me, how good I was with the kids, etc.. All her friends told me how happy she was, and how impressed they were with how well I treated her.

Without much warning everything turned upside down. She told me that she thought she was ready for a relationship, but now wasn’t sure. We both felt that things did move too fast, and agreed to slow it down. We have kept in touch by phone for the last week and I am sensing even more doubt in her about our relationship. She has been very moody and depressed at times, and says it is because of not having a job and the stress of not having an income with two children. She said she needs to get her life together and does not have the time to give me in a relationship. I have asked her several times if she wants to try and make this work, but at a slower pace and she says yes, but yet I can’t even get her to agree to meet with me to discuss things in person. All our discussions since things turned bad have been over the phone. The last time I saw her was a week ago, when she spent the night with me. It was two days later things started going bad on the phone conversations.

I understand the difficulty of losing a job, as I have been through it in the past. I just don’t understand the quick turnabout in her feelings. It was only two days prior to the bad news she had told me how thankful she was that I was there to support her through this difficult time.

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move. Any suggestions are appreciated!

First of all, I am so sorry. Relationships are hard & a broken heart hurts worse than just about anything. It sounds to me like you are a great catch & will make someone a wonderful companion. And to answer your question - I think you should give her some space & let her make the next move.

I remember when my husband and I were dating - we couldn't stand to be away from each other. I worked a 9 to 5 job & he didn't get off work until midnight - and we still saw each other a lot. I would sometimes meet him halfway between our houses. The reason I told you that is because you deserve someone that wants to meet you halfway to just talk.

Try not to dwell on it (which is an obstacle for me in my life) & put it in God's hands. Whatever is meant to be will happen.

I also wanted to say that I noticed in your writing that she has children from another relationship & she lost her job. (Believe me - I know that *$%& happens!) But please take a step back & really look at this girl & decide if she is someone you really want to have a relationship with.

Good Luck to you.

You are right. You went way too fast. All these actions of hers are clear indicators that it just went way too fast and now she is having second thoughts. We se it here all the time. People rushing and going so fast that after about 2 - 3 months when the newness and excitement wears off, one party backs off and needs space. We see it almost every week.

Ok, but all is not lost. You are right.. You need to cut contact for a while. If you have tired talking to her and it doesn't work then OK, you have tried. Now the BEST thing you can do is completely cut all contact with her. No phone, no email, no text, nothing whatsoever. Completely disappear as far as she is concerned.

In this time you need to learn what may have pushed her away, how you can slow it down IF you try again.

You need to keep yourself busy though as well. Learn about you, improvie yourself. At the moment this thing seems over.

Seems like another rexample of someone making their partner their life. NOT GOOD> you need to continue doing the things that you did before. Have other hobbies, hang with the boys, play your sports, do whatever. It sounds like you lived in one anothers hip pockets. This gets too much after a while.


As I said I think the best chance you have of rekindling somehting in her is cutting contact. Not just for a day or two. Weeks if need be.

She has asked for space. So give it to her. You may not think it but right now you need it to. You need to gather your thoughts and let emotions calm down.

PLease do this. Im pretty confident I won't be the only one with this advice for you.

Thanks for the advice, you are reenforcing what I had decided. One question, if she calls do I answer or let the voicemail take it?

Me personally wouldn't answer it.
She asked for space so why is she calling?

You can call back a day or two later and just say that you had been busy with heaps of other things in your life (which you should try to be anyway)

You don't want to look as though you were sitting around waiting for her to call. (which you shouldn't be anyway)

Get it?

Got it!

You said it all Skell, but had to spread it. Hate that doggone rep system.

If this young woman has a history of being mistreated by other guys maybe it is hard for her to adjust being treated great by a guy like you. If she wants space give it too her. To be honest I wouldn't answer her phone calls or even return them. I like what Skell says about calling back a couple days later but at this point I would just quit talking to her for a month or so. Make her miss you and if she doesn't then you know for sure it wasn't meant to be.

Yes she does have a history of being treated very badly by her ex. It has been over two years since the divorce but she still has a hard time seeing him. Thanks to all for the advice!

I too am going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend. He is 27 no kids I am 32 with 3. I have cut off complete contact with him for about 1 week now. I love him and I want him back but he said that he needed his time and space. I am seeing now that I let my life become him. So I am getting out there and doing the things that I like to do and I can see the change in myself.
The reason I am saying all of this is because no matter how hard it is not to talk or see that person you have to RESPECT their wishes. Give her space and do your own thing. If this is meant to be she will come back

You have to understand that she is going through a lot of stress and her # 1 priority is her children. I have been in similar situation when my kids were younger and I had a very hard time dating any women and take care of my kids at the same time with no child support and made very little money. I was always stressed and I couldn't handle a relationship when all I wanted to do is concentrate on myself and my babies at that time.. If you care for her, put all that relationship aside for now and let her concentrate on herself and the children. Help her as a friend and expect nothing back. It sounds like she wants to be with you but like I said this is a very difficult moment for her right now.. Her children are #1... Hopefully when things go right for her, she will come back to you.. Good luck dude.

Yep - too fast - too furious. SLOW is GREAT!! Take it slow. Yu guys don't really even know each other yet.

Leave her alone. Give her space. Her calls go to voice mail.

Be busy.

I bet $1 million you suffocated her!! She has a family, job - and boyfriend who has to know every little things she does. Give her life back to her.

You get a life - she is part of your life - not your life. QUIT smothering her. Quit calling all the time.

See -she like all the attention in the beginning - but it's too much after a while. Smothered her - she has kids that are priority I nlfe.

See - going slow IS OK!! Do it for a while. Be busy - if you act like you have a life - she will come back.

Right now I bet you come across as needy and insecure - very unattractive.

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move.

BINGO! You've hit it right on the head. Move on with your life and forget about her for now. Make her realize that you can enjoy life just as much without her as with her. When women have a "turnabout" in their feelings like you've described, it's usually because they sense that you are being overly needy and clingy. Maybe you aren't but they have the impression, perhaps not consciously, that you are. It's not likely that they'll ever come right out and admit that this is how they're feeling but that's what it usually boils down to. Be aloof and disappear for a while. See if she then starts to pursue you. If she does then you may have a chance. But don't center your life around her.

Thanks for the advice, you are reenforcing what I had decided. One question, if she calls do I answer or let the voicemail take it?

Let the voicemail take it. Call her back later; much later.

Let voice Mail get it. Don't be so available for her.:)

Okay, so I didn't exactly follow everyone's advice. She called tonight, and I answered. The talk went very well, and she sounded like her old self. I let her know I was going out with the boys tonight and she actually sounded happy! I had not called her since Tuesday and told her I was not going to call and pressure her. She said it is okay to call, and that she wants to be friends, go slow, and see where it takes us.

I know I shouldn't have answered, but am glad I did!

I agree with Styler, her concern for her kids will always come first. Just let her know you respect her wishes and that you will give her all the space she needs. Tell her that she can call you when she's ready, and call her every couple of weeks to see how she and her kids are doing.

I agree with Styler as well. I guess that is why I answered the phone tonight. I wanted to let her know that I am here as her friend with no expectations. I have always told her that her kids come first, and I do honestly mean that.

Personally - you shouldn't have answered though. You always there - too available. It seems all NICE to answer the phone - but you see - you blew another chance to make her miss you.

You really ened to understand attraction. She needs space - give it to her. Be busy. It goes to voice mail - so what.

You're being what we call a "nice guy" - smotherer.

Well, a week later and you're right I shouldn't have answered the phone. I tried calling her to say "Hi" last Sunday and she didn't answer. Left a brief message and have not heard anything from her a week later. I have resisted the urge to try calling again and have been keeping busy with friends.
Can't figure her out, last week she said she wants to be friends and see where it takes us, yet her actions are not matching her words.

No, she is busy and not meeting your expectations as to what a friend is. You want contact, she does not. Real simple leave her alone until she calls you and if she doesn't..

See - you seem like a great and sincere guy. She needs to realize that - sometimes it takes a woman a long time to realize this.

Leave her alone - she does not deserve your attention.

I say this EVERY day here - "People Want What They Can't Have" - she has you. You throw yourself out there like a door mat. 'Here take me' - that's how she feels about you.

Again women like to work for things - challenge. Be a challenge - be busy. And when she calls - don't answer. Don't answer. Call back in two days - you were busy.

See - she needs to wonder why you haven't called. What happened.

She may be putting the interest of taking care of her children first, worrying about how she will support herself and them with no income. She may be feeling the guilt of not deserving a relationship when she can't supply for her family sort-of like a "no work, no play" kind of thing.
Or, it's possible she's interested in someone else and wants to let you down easy...
Hope things work out.
Kae

Wildcat, thanks for the advice. I hate to admit it but you are right. Going on two weeks since we talked and I have made up my mind I will not call. If she ever does call, the voicemail will take it. I am really starting to get in the frame of mind that this is over. Even though she said she wanted to slow down, be friends, etc... her actions are speaking a lot louder than her words.

I don't know if this will help but there was a time when I was the sort of woman that a new relationship and a loss of job would do a number on me. I would need to, not want to, put the relationship on hold until the job situation was handled. I might have been willing to ask in a slightly clearer manner than she did, but that is what I would need. The emotional impact of the job loss and the subsequent stress of not having a means to support would render me socially unfit, which would include a new boyfriend who I might not be ready to fully trust just yet seeing me in such a state. Some of us do not multi-task well, especially about emotional or survival based stuff.

Also it would have to do with knowing my limitations for loss and not wanting to leave myself open to being doubley devastated should what the new boyfriend see about me cause him to run screaming from my life. Its knowing yourself well enough to fear that any more loss and you're going to lose it and trying to take steps to not get there. It would be a self protection measure and if I was not sure he would understand I might not be all that clear in my explanation.

You could really add to this in subtle ways by looking or sounding like you don't or won't understand AND that you think your needs come before hers at a time like this. Does that allow for a little more slack?

I think you could ask yourself what's waiting costing you stacked up against what she has on her plate at the moment-- no job, single parent with kids, yikes. If you do call her again, don't ask her how its going, she'll tell you. Tell her instead of what supportive measure you can offer her, that you understand what a panic no job is, that you miss being with her but you get that her plate is just too full right now, and ask what could you do to help, etc. Otherwise you could come off as just one more demand for her attention on her crowded list.

Valinors--thanks for your perspective. I do agree with you and made it very clear to her that I did not expect anything and understood and agreed that we needed to slow down. I have no problem waiting, but when she tells me that we can see each other as friends and tells me to call, but doesn't return my messages I am not sure what to think. I have done everything I can think of to explain to her I am here to support and help her yet I get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.

Like I said I would wait as long as it takes for this girl, but I don't like being left hanging not being sure if she has any plans to see where this relationship might go.

Valinors--thanks for your perspective. I do agree with you and made it very clear to her that I did not expect anything and understood and agreed that we needed to slow down. I have no problem waiting, but when she tells me that we can see each other as friends and tells me to call, but doesn't return my messages I am not sure what to think. I have done everything I can think of to explain to her I am here to support and help her yet I get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.

Like I said I would wait as long as it takes for this girl, but I don't like being left hanging not being sure if she has any plans to see where this relationship might go.
Forgive me, I know I came in late on this thread. Was there more than one call left on the machine? Somehow I got the impression that it was only one call left on her machine. My point is that's a lot of concern you've build up on just one call not being returned that she might not have even received or, humbling as this is for you, she may have forgotten too. Its not enough to read anything into her actions, not in my book anyway. These are no ordinary times for her. I don't think the job loss effect is being factored in here big enough. Call her and ask. I know Wildcat said don't call -- you look clingy. There is a difference between clingy and confused. Needy or not depends on how you sound on the phone. Needing clear communication supercede giving anyone space as far as I am concerned -- no one should be left hanging wondering what is happeneing. And the fact that you are IS on her. Call her to get clarification-- that is reasonable, mature and understandable. If necessary, negotiate a period that you'll feel comfortable waiting. If she is not capable of that, that's on her. But to have built all this on "she doesn't call" when the phone works both ways is silly and unnecessary. I have to say I don't think much of waiting games. They are games. "Give me space, date other people, maybe I'll see ya in a month" -- well now that's entirely different.

I had left one about a week prior on her cellphone voicemail, which she called back after a few days. The last message I left was a week ago Sunday. I know her well enough that her cell is always at her side so I have no doubt that she got the message.

Okay then I give... if you two can't manage phones between you then its doubtful in stressful times you'll manage a relationship. I am sorry for your loss.

I have said repeatedly here: going too fast is a pretty serious hazard because trying to slow it down or back up often stresses things too far and ends the relationship. See, the anatomy of a relationship is such that as time goes by, the couple typically (hopefully) gets better and better at negotiating stress between them. With a new couple trying to slow it down, that's a big stressor at a time when the relationship is still new and the skill levels (communication, trust, boundaries, willingness to risk vulnerabilities, balancing needs, etc) of the couple aren't matured enough to handle that.

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.

Just my opinion but I think you have offered your support to her and tried to let her know you are there for her.
And I'm sure she knows this.

You can only do so much to help her anyway. Just like the situation you find yourself in right now the only person that can help her is herself. Like you can only help you. Others can be there to be lent on, but essentially it is up to the individual to help themselves.

I think you have offered your support but now the ball is in her court and it is up to her if she chooses to accept that help.

She may want to deal with this on her own, and you continually trying to call her might actually be annoying her. Hence, she doesn't return your calls.

Could that be a hint from her to you to leave her be for a little while?

If she loves you then she will come back. But in the mean time you have your own issues to deal with. So my suggestion would be to concentrate on dealing with YOU right now!

Im only going off my expereinces too. I know I felt like I had to be there to help my ex through her tough times like I had done the many times before. But when someone wants to do something themselves, then they must be left to their own devices. The more I pushed the further away she got until she was gone for good.

It is hard. Because you want and deserve answers. I just know that pushing for them sometimes will not have the desired effect.

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.
Well then... jiminy crickets...call her and tell her all of that in a light, self confident kind of way like I see in your posts here! And while you're at it, ask why she isn't returning calls -- even between friends that is a little rude! (don't say that last part, say its not commonly very acceptable, okay? LOL I did that for emphasis!)

Façades or lack of honesty from an unwillingness to be vulnerable do lots of damage in new relationships. They make it all about who is going to show their underbelly first and it turns into some stupid contest that takes over and colors all the action. I say this emphatically: "Iffen ya don't have the guts to show your underbelly, then don't be in the dang ring!" Excuse me for being momentarily really opinioned here but I think everyone in a relationship ought to read that last sentence twice -- it just might be one of my better ones LOL.

It isn't needy to say, "I would like time with you." It's genuine. It isn't clingy to say, "I am still interested in you even when the chips are down or you don't feel like yourself and I too am scrambling to figure out what slow means." It's the TRUTH and last time I looked the truth works like gang busters?

PS - thanks for that vote of confidence too. And post #28 -- forgive me, I was probably still messing with it when you were trying to read it, I do that sometimes. That's the editor in me. Sorry about that!

All right so I see both sides of the advice. I have tried to tell her I would like time with her, and that I am here to help her, with no expectations on my part. I am not really sure if I should stay with the "no contact" advice or try to call again. Would sending her a letter or card possibly be less intrusive to her, but still show that I care?

Every relationship is very different. You can only really DEEP DOWN I nthe gut know what's right.

The no contact generally is best for a lot of reasons - you and her.

Okay, so I didn't exactly follow everyone's advice. She called tonight, and I answered.

I know I shouldn't have answered, but am glad I did!


I agree with you, you don't need to completely ignore her. You have slowed down, you told her you were going out with your friends, nothing wrong with the way you handled it.

Just because you broke up doesn't mean you have to pretend like she doesn't exist.

Just my thought. Nothing wrong with letting you know you are still around and care.

Good luck. :o

Would sending her a letter or card possibly be less intrusive to her, but still show that I care?
The only way to know that for sure... is TO ASK HER!
Look, I will come to regret this if all I did was create confusion here. This is just one of those places where WC and I really see differently.

But it seems to me someone needs to cut through the you-know-what and get to the bottom of it. Otherwsie it turns into a never-ending game of guessing what anyone means about anything -- UGH UGH UGH to that from me!!

You seem to be the only one capable of cutting through, unless she is here too, and so I said to you make contact and get the FACT straights from her. There is no harm in doing that for any healthy relationship on this planet. And if it does harm, GOOD! Then you know. Not healthy!!

I don't believe for one second it puts the kabosh on any relationship, even if its 5 minutes old, to ask "where do I stand with you?" A sane person would then laugh and say, "Gee after 5 minutes umm a friendly stranger???" and let it go. Neediness is defined by a whole string of things, not one question. Or lets say if you ask it every 5 minutes, then you might be watching the other person slowly back away from you without turning around LOL

I will go with Val here and give her one more try.
But you will be able to judge by her response what she really wants from you at this point.
And you have to be honest with yourself OK?

Offer your support and help like val said in a light and fun way.

See how she reacts and then you react appropriately.

As cat said, all situations are different and you will know what is right. But you have to be honest and prepared for answers you may not want to hear!

You have all given me a lot of options, and I appreciate that. I now need to take some time and think over what is best for me. Honestly I would like to get answers, even if they are ones I don't want to hear. The truth is better than not knowing and wondering what is up.

Is it?

Yes, I honestly believe that in order to move on, I need to know one way or another. Even if it is the worst, at least I would know, and know what I need to do to move on with my life. Hanging by a thread and not knowing the truth is not a fun place to be.

I know its not, I've been there and I agree with you.

So go and get the answers then..

Just be prepared that you may not get any. There aren't always answers unfortunately.

Im 7 months down and don't really have answers. You learn to live with it and you still manage to move on!

But you know what you have to do so do it! Don't let fear hold you back!

Thanks Skell! The way I look at it if I don't get answers this time around, it is actually an answer that it is over.

I think you are right.

That's what I was trying to get at all along!

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.
I think Val gave you some very good advice and insight.

While I think it's noble of you to want to help her and be there for her, I think that right now it may be wiser to strengthen yourself first. I don't know how helpful you can be if you're in agony over the loss of your relationship with her. I think in this instance, you need to consider putting yourself first. Once you believe you are standing strong on your own two feet, by all means, be there for her.

Well, after giving this much thought I have decided to stay with no contact for now. All the things that I want to say to her and ask her I have already done. I don't think "one more try" will do any good. Like I said in my previous posts, she says all the right things, but her actions do not back up what she is saying. From past experience my gut tells me that there is someone else she is interested in, or is thinking about dating others.

I really feel that she got scared off when she saw that I was the type of person that she was looking for. Even two years after her divorce she still has issues seeing her ex, and I think the thought of settling down again scared the **** out of her.

The sad part is I think the day will come that she wakes up and realizes what she gave up, but I am not so sure I would want to take a risk with her again after the lack of honesty over this breakup.

Mom is right, I need to put myself first, which I have started doing this week. I have quit smoking (might as well add to the stress level!) and have started working out again.

Thanks to all for you input and advice, it really did help to come up with the decision that is best for me.

Well done BJ.

Yes - no contact - I think you were there too much for this women - smothered.

Kind of having a bad night. Plans with my buddies fell through and I heard through some mutual friends she was going out dressed up for halloween tonight. Also found out that she has been seeing someone. Sounds like she has been hitting the party life pretty hard, so much for needing time to get her life in order.

I have maintained no contact and it has been over two weeks since I last heard from her. Strange the other night though, my cell phone rang for about two seconds with her number on the caller ID. It was late on Tuesday night, so my best guess is she was out again and hit my number by accident.

Still focusing on myself. Working out daily and have made it three days without smoking!

You will have bad nights. But you just have to take them in your stride. When you are call a buddy you trust and tell him. Maybe you can meet up with him for a beer (not too many though).

So she is seeing someone else already and hitting the party scene? She isn't dealing with this correctly and it will come back to bite her.

Don't worry about what other people tell you about her. Don't worry about her or what she is doing. I have made this mistake and it doesn't help YOU.

After all that is your prority now. Looking after YOU.

Keep going the way you are. You'll get through this.

Thanks Skell. I know there will be bad days but it sure doesn't make them any easier! I can't believe an eight week relationship has gotten to me almost as badly as my divorce did 10 years ago!

With her partying I am starting to wonder if our age difference did play a part. She is 32 and I am 42. I thought that 32 with two children would make for a mature person, but I guess I was wrong!

Your probably right.

I guess it is a good lesson for you then as well. That you let someone you don't really know hurt you so bad. Not so much her fault, but yours. Invested too much in her without really knowing her!

Im sure you'll come good. Just keep posting as long as you want!

Yes, I definitely take a lot of the blame in this.

Thing is she hit all the right buttons with things she said early in the relationship. She was constantly telling me how great I was with the kids and how they needed my positive influence. She also talked about having another child with me. That is a weak point for me as I have always wanted children, but it has never worked out.

I guess this is a good example of why it is important to go slow at the beginning, no matter how good or right it seems. Sad part is I was really good at going slow in the ten years since my divorce. I did have on serious relationship right after my divorce that I ended. For the last 7 years I have dated but not found anyone I wanted to get serious with until this last one.

Its OK.

We are allowed to let our guard down occosionally.it certainly doesn't appear that you were the only guilty party here though!

Let her go party. Look after yourself!

Thanks again Skell. It does help to let out my frustrations here! It's been another hard day knowing there is a Halloween party going on that I was supposed to go to with her and the kids.

You know the funny part is, the longer I go with "no contact" the more I am thinking that I may not even want her back. If she is capable of treating me this way once, she could do it again if we were ever to get back together.

"I thought that 32 with two children would make for a mature person, but I guess I was wrong!" - Dude - I know a 45 year old women with 3 kids who is totally confused and imature with men - she kind of going thorugh her wild girl stage at age 45! Because she never had one. I know it's really unhealthy on her kids - I bet this partying is really unhealthy on this ladies kids.

Well it's been over three weeks since we talked I am sticking with the "no contact" advice. Things are getting the slightest bit easier, but the weekends are still hard at times.

I know I shouldn't dwell on what she is doing, but I am still confused over her statements that she didn't want to end things and just wanted to slow down and see where the relationship would go. I am sure she is seeing someone else, so I do feel like I have been cheated on to some degree.

Strange part is her marriage ended over two years ago because she caught her ex cheating on her. We had long talks about this and I really didn't think it was in her to do the same to someone else.

Still keeping the focus on myself. Over one week of no smoking and am finally getting back into shape. I do have to admit that no contact has been good for me and I am finally starting to have some good moments and days again.

Go for you - keep upthe exercise.

Sorry to say - but it usually always is another guy. It was an alibi to say 'slow down' = I've heard it before - seen my friends go through it - at that moment you say - Ok. If she wanted to go slow she would have called.

This time for you is to get your spine back and improve.

Stay wit hthe no contact and I,prove yourself - I know for a fact divorced women need to date a lot - her self esteem was shot.

Well them good moments that you feel are attributed to the no contact (and they are) should be enough for you to continue on that path.

Who cares what she is doing! Who cares if she is seeing someone else?
Let them have her. If she is it won't. Another rebound.

You will get through it. It is hard but I think your doing a great job so far!

BJ, I'm glad to hear that you are sticking to your principals and not contacting her. I hate to say it being a woman and all, but sometimes women blurt out the stupidest things without really thinking things through. When you wrote that often you and her would talk about your future and that she wanted to have a child with you, that raised a big flag for me.

Having 2 children, a broken marriage and then saying very heavy things like I want to have a child with you after a 10 week relationship is shocking and scary all at once.

I think that the key to you maintaining strong is because you have put mind over matter. When we allow our emotions to take the reigns, we begin to struggle and get weak. Your logic is telling you that she may not be the right person at the right time, your emotions and memories of your time with her and her children are prodding you and poking you until it hurts. That's human and normal. I too believe there may be someone else involved in her life now. Try to find a different way to satisfy your emotional craving. Get involved with charities as much as you can. Maybe become a Big Brother or some other organization. You're a good guy and there are lots of people who can use your help out there.

It may get tougher during the upcoming holidays, stay focused and remember we are here for you.

Thanks Mom! You are right about how quick she was to discuss having children, settling down, etc... This talk actually started on the first date which should have sounded the alarm for me! Yes we had know each other for several years from work, but we really didn't know each other.

I am doing a little better every day. I am not too worried about the holidays, as we never spent any together to start. Actually the hardest holiday was Halloween because we had made plans.

Good idea about looking into some charities. I will give that some thought.

Well its been five weeks of NC and things are getting better. I have to say the NC does give you time to think things through more rationally without any influence from the EX. I can see now there were a lot of signs early on that I ignored.

Wildcat, I think you hit it on the head when you said her self esteem was shot from the divorce and she needed to date a lot to build it back up. I have heard that she is not only seeing someone else, but seeing three different guys at the same time! That juggling act will catch up with her.

Hearing things like that really make me see how much better off I am without her. She is not the person she portrayed herself to be at the beginning, or the person I thought she was.

Still keeping the focus on myself, still not smoking after three weeks, and working out about an hour a day. The exercise is a great way to release the built up frustrations!

It sounds like you are getting you $hit together--which is great! :p

After reading some of your recent posts--I feel sorry for this gal's kids. What are they doing while she is out partying all the time?

What kind of example is she setting?

Good luck.

" I have heard that she is not only seeing someone else, but seeing three different guys at the same time!" - not surprised - I sure she is 1000 % confused. They need this for themselves esteem.

"That juggling act will catch up with her." - believe me it will - it's really unhealthy on her and her kids at this point.

I think now you would never want her back.

A lot of divorced women do this - they may date for 5 years - many, many men. With zero to show for it except massive confusion on everyone invovled.

Go find a nice healthy gal that wants to actually work o nthings.

Would spread the love CAT but couldn't. ;)

Ya, this gal is EXTREMELY insecure that she needs this many men or thinking she needs these men to feel good.

Again, POOR kids--I have seen kids in these situations and absolutely hate it. ERRRRRR.
These children are going to grow up very confused and feel they need to be this way to be happy. That sucks. Another family cycle that will not be broken.

Leave this lady be or you are going to be caught up in a whirl wind of problems.

BIM - I can't rep you either - BUT YES... I've seen this as well - kids that are a MESS!!

It screws the kids up in their adult relationships big time and the process starts all over again.

BIM and CAT, thanks for the feedback. You pretty much validated the same things I have been thinking. You know I think I have hit the point where I actually miss being with her kids more than I miss being with her!

As much as I hate to say this--there is nothing you can do for her children.

You were just a boyfriend and you will not be able to save them from this destructive cycle. It is soooo sad. :mad:

It's really sad - same thing happened to me a while ago. You could just tell her parents screwed her up, and her divorce and terrible decisions with men were screwing up her kids big time. The kids were a mess.

It sad, I wante to help her, but couldn't - she only knew one way.

Yes, it does hurt, but I realize there is nothing I can do to help the kids.

This whole situation is so sad. Like I said in previous posts, I had know her for about 8 years prior to dating. I waited until about 2 1/2 years after her divorce to ask her out, as I thought she was getting it together. I think that her losing her job set her back causing her self esteem to crash again.

I guess it was good this happened now, before I invested any more time in the relationship. Life is full of setbacks, and she obviously does not deal with them well. If she hadn't lost her job, I am sure some other disaster would have set her back at some point.

Losing a job can be like a death in the family.

You know how screwed up she is when you were there for her then - and then she poops on.

Just make sure to look at this with booth eyes open.

And you can not ever tell her how to bring up her kids for no. You will really push her away.

I didn't realize you had nown her for that long. Was there any other inconsistencies you can now recall, that maybe you can look for going forward?

I didn't realize you had nown her for that long. Was there any other inconsistencies you can now recall, that maybe you can look for going forward?


Yes, we worked at the same large company, in different departments. We would work together occasionally on projects. I did know her fairly well, but not real well.

She came out of an abusive relationship with her ex husband (both verbal and physical). She had dated him since high school and was married at 18. I am sure part of this is that she never had that "wild time" prior to marriage.

There were some inconsistencies early in the relationship that I ignored. She had made the comment to me once that she was "a big flirt" but not to worry because she was a one man woman. There were a couple of times we were out with friends that her "flirting" was a little much for someone who is in a committed relationship. Again, I think it all boils down to the insecurity, and the more guys attention she can get, the better for her ego. It is really too bad because deep down I saw the side that wanted a secure healthy relationship, but the insecurity with herself costs her the very thing she wants.

Losing a job can be like a death in the family.

You know how screwed up she is when you were there for her then - and then she poops on.


Yes, I definitely feel "pooped on"! It was a tough situation for me a work, being in a management position. Her co-workers and friends kept coming to me, and I felt caught between supporting her and the company. I really had to walk a fine line at work and not comment at all about the situation, and at the same time help her to out with things like collecting unemployment. To make matters worse, one of my best friends was her superior and was the one to fire her!

I also went out of my way to help her out without giving her cash (which she wouldn't accept). I would take her and the kids out to eat, movies, etc...

Two days before wanting to "slow down" she told me how much I meant to her and how she never would have made it through losing her job without me. Two days later, the poop started!

I have been dating a girl for about two months and everything was going fantastic. She has two young children who I got along with great. She told me she was tired of looking and was ready for a serious relationship.

When we first started dating we worked at the same company in different departments. A week after we started seeing each other she lost her job, which was rough on her. I was there to support her and help her search for a new job. Things continued to go good and we grew closer and often talked about a future together. She would often comment about how much she loved me, how good I was with the kids, etc.. All her friends told me how happy she was, and how impressed they were with how well I treated her.

Without much warning everything turned upside down. She told me that she thought she was ready for a relationship, but now wasn’t sure. We both felt that things did move too fast, and agreed to slow it down. We have kept in touch by phone for the last week and I am sensing even more doubt in her about our relationship. She has been very moody and depressed at times, and says it is because of not having a job and the stress of not having an income with two children. She said she needs to get her life together and does not have the time to give me in a relationship. I have asked her several times if she wants to try and make this work, but at a slower pace and she says yes, but yet I can’t even get her to agree to meet with me to discuss things in person. All our discussions since things turned bad have been over the phone. The last time I saw her was a week ago, when she spent the night with me. It was two days later things started going bad on the phone conversations.

I understand the difficulty of loosing a job, as I have been through it in the past. I just don’t understand the quick turnabout in her feelings. It was only two days prior to the bad news she had told me how thankful she was that I was there to support her through this difficult time.

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move. Any suggestions are appreciated!
It's very hard when children are involved (you need to understand that) she maybe thinking what if this doesn't work out and that children are attached to him and thinking on how hard that is. Not have money-is a very stressful thing in itself. My opinion let you know you are there to help her, but give her some space to work things out. If you push too much you may lose her. I have a couple of friends going threw a divorce and trying to start over in a relationship and taking it slow is the best thing to do, even if you feel your heading nowhere.

"She came out of an abusive relationship with her ex husband (both verbal and physical). She had dated him since high school and was married at 18. I am sure part of this is that she never had that "wild time" prior to marriage."

Wow Dude - more comes out! The abuse can be horrible - this lady is so confused. I knew a lady who was in 15 year abusive relationship. So mixed up - so screwed up. The abuse can be life damaging.

The wild girl satge is pretty important to most women - again I know another gal who had a mid-life crisis at 40 because she never had her wild girl stage. 5 years of it.

The wild girl satge is pretty important to most women - again I know another gal who had a mid-life crisis at 40 because she never had her wild girl stage. 5 years of it.

I identify with the reasons for a wild stage. I believe most go trough this period hopefully while they are young. I started my wild GUY stage at 17 and did not finish until 22. Now at 26, I am confident that I have matured a great deal and glad that I experienced it well before 30.

I think it is part of growing up but then again, some need it, some don't..

Sorry for drifting off the point slightly here bj..

Wow Dude - more comes out! The abuse can be horrible - this lady is so confused. I knew a lady who was in 15 year abusive realtionship. So mixed up - so screwed up. The abuse can be life damaging.



Wildcat,

It's amazing how I can see more and more of the truth as to what kind of person she really was. Another benefit of five weeks of NC.

So why is it, even when I can see that it was not as good as I thought it was, there is still a part of me hoping to hear from her. The rational side of me thinks I am lucky that this side of her came out after only 7 weeks. The irrational side still see's the good person she portrayed herself to be early in the relationship.

I have never seen such a split in behavior in any woman before. At first she was all about wanting to settle down, do family things with the kids, etc.. Now it seems to be all about the party life and getting attention from the guys.

That's why you take it real slow and get to know who it is you give your heart to.

It sucks - she must have such low self esteem - seeking attention from many guys will never cure that - ever. It's sad - but there are many women out there like that.

She must have had a lot of insecurities as well - needed a lot of compliments.

I hope you didn't say "I love you" - these gals will drag that out of you as well - when oyu shouldn't be saying that for 6 months or a year.

She must have had a lot of insecurities as well - needed a lot of compliments.

I hope you didn't say "I love you" - these gals will drag thta out of you as well - when oyu shouldn't be saying that for 6 months or a year.

You're right, she did drag those three words out of me! Thing is I did love the person that I was seeing at the time. Too bad that it was only a small portion of who she was.

Yes she did need a lot of compliments, and looking back I can see where she was a flirt/tease at work with a lot of the guys. It didn't work on me so I guess she tried the "nice girl" approach.

Another odd thing that I have realized of late, was she was very good at taking, but very seldom said "thank you". Over the time we were dating I would show up at her house with groceries, cold medicine when her and the kids were sick, stuff she needed for the house, etc... I was trying to help her out financially without actually giving her cash, since she was unemployed. Very seldom would she even say thank you, almost like she was expecting these things.

Don't sat it!! Don't say those words for a long, long time. SHOW IT!! You can show it by doing nice things.

"was she was very good at taking" - yep - not surprised! I could have added that to the list.

Good thing is - there are a lot of women out there WHO ARE NOT LIKE THAT.

Try a nice single (non-divorced with kids) woman. You'll will be a whole lot happier. No games. No CRAP from her. No issues. No mahor baggage. No drama. No crazy beatch.

You might think you're doing nice things helping her when she was unemployed - but it was a bad decisin (I know - you're good guy - but these crazies take it TOTALLY the wron gway) - she totally took you for granted. It's a slippery slope though.

Don't sat it!!!! Don't say those words for a long, long time. SHOW IT!!!! You can how it by doing nice things.

"was she was very good at taking" - yep - not suprised! I could have added that to the list.

Good thing is - there are a lot of women out there WHO ARE NOT LIKE THAT.

Try a nice single (non-divorced with kids) woman. You'll will be a whole lot happier. No games. No CRAP from her. No issues. No mahor baggage. No drama. No crazy beatch.

You might think you're doing nice things helping her when she was unemployed - but it was a bad decisin (I know - you're good guy - but these crazies take it TOTALLY the wron gway) - she totally took you for granted. It's a slippery slope though.

Well on the plus side, I learned a lot from this 8 week relationship! At 42 it is tough to find anyone without "baggage". Next time around will definitely go very slow.

And on the entertaining side, I just heard she now is up to four guys she is seeing at the same time! I am sure I will have to be prepared for the call when this all comes crashing down around her. That's what they make voicemail for!

Wow - this gal is going gto crash and burn and be very confused for a long time. That's so unhealthy.

Wildcat,

Thanks for you perspective on this. Even though you are telling me what I already have figured out, it helps to hear it from someone else.

So tell me this, why is it when I have finally figured out how screwed up she is, and that I am lucky to be out of it this soon, I still feel hurt and miss her. Looking at things logically I know this would have never worked out, so I should be relieved right? Or is this one of those cases of missing the person I wanted her to be, and not who she turned out to be?

Looking for some advice, been awhile since I updated this post. Been keeping no contact and haven't seen her for two months. Tonight while at a bar watching the football game, the buddy I am with tells me she is with some friends right behind me.

The buddy I am with is the guy who fired her from her job. I decided to not turn around or even acknowledge her. She left after about two hours and I never even saw her or said "hello". I am kind of feeling low here. She could have made contact as well as I am sure her friends told her I was there.

Did I do the right thing or did I just make an a** out of myself. I figured since I was the last one to attempt contact two months ago it should be up to her. Also I was hesitant because of my buddy being the one who fired her from her job. Should I text or call to apologize for ignoring her or is this all part of no contact?

Don't open up a can of worms so forget it and stay on the no contact path.

Leave it be, you did the right thing. If you would contact her she may make you feel worse.

You did the right thing.

I don't know - how long has it been? More than 2 months.

I am sure she did not want to come u to talk with you because of the guy you were with. Quite sure.


I particularly don't like this women and her recent dating habits. I'd find someone else for sure.

"Too bad that it was only a small portion of who she was." - remember these words you typed.

Thanks Cat, Tal, and BIM,

I wasn't sure if ignoring her was the right thing to do. Your replies make me feel better that I did the right thing for me, and who cares what she thought!