I believe, after reading some of the great threads here, that my situation is somewhat unique. My ex dumped me about 3 weeks ago, after a 2 year relationship. She gave me a few reasons; she wants to be independent, she can't be in a relationship anymore, etc. Thing is, in about 3 months she's going to spend 10 months in a foreign country. When we were together, that was 'looming down', and even I felt that way... this is another reason she stated for the breakup. She also mentioned that she doesn't see our lives being compatible in the long run, as are potential lives would be very different... she would have a traveling career, and I would not.

We talked a lot about the long term over the last year or so. As recent as 6 weeks ago, we talked about getting married after she returns and traveling and what not together. I am willing to do anything with her. This was a completely unexpected, overnight development with little to no signs leading up to it. We were always very affectionate and intimate toward each other, and things didn't change, in our attitude or behavior, until just about 2 days before the breakup. She made the decision suddenly and stubbornly sticks to it.

To make things worse, I have strong evidence that she has entered a rebound relationship, with a guy she met only 3 days after the breakup. We are friends now, but it is very difficult for me. We are not physical anymore, either. I do not act sad or down around her, and I stay positive and friendly with her. We talk about things and laugh still, but it is not the same.

And to top it off, she is part of the same group of friends as myself. Old friends; breaking communication with them is not an option, and I will see her probably at least weekly even if I choose not to. I want her to understand the mistake she's made, to understand that we should be together. But I have very little time to play the waiting game; she'll be gone soon. I can't stop wondering if I did something wrong, even though things were outwardly fantastic for the both of us until the last minute.

Definitely not a unique situation. It's not going to be possible to be friends when you're still hoping to be with her. She's seeing someone else now, so why still cling to something that's not going to happen? Initiate NC.

Make yourself scarce while she is in town, and then start to fully heal once she leaves. Your situation is not unique at all, as Snow pointed out. Her life and her actions no longer matter. You can choose to accept this as is and build from there, or you can live in denial for awhile, as you are in shock and clearly aren't thinking rational. Sadly you cannot make her change her mind or realize the "mistake" she has made... her mind is made up, and any change will come from her, not you.

The person I thought I'd spend my life with dumped me and found someone new. Shouldn't I feel a tad betrayed? Shouldn't I wonder what I could possibly have done wrong to initiate this? I shouldn't let her know how I feel instead of pretending its cool?

I understand your feelings. Right now, you are hurt and of course you feel betrayed. It sucks, I know how you feel. To be honest, no advice will do any good for your right now as you are still in shock and are still learning to accept this. Vent away my friend! We have all been there.

Well, your wrong about one thing. Your advice does help. As a an above sticky points out, my brain knows your right, my heart does not. And now that I think about it, in the 6 or so times we have hung out since the breakup, none have been initiated by her.

Assuming I decide to initiate no contact, what do I do? If she texts me, calls me, whatever... do I outright ignore it? The idea of not being involved in her life is almost appalling.

You ignore it... ignore it more... and you keep ignoring it. IF she wants you back, if she wants to reconcile, you let her come to you, in person, without any doubt about her reasons, thoughts or anything else.

As for you, move forward, treat this as a death and find the dignity that you know you have. Change your phone number if you have to. This is going to be a long, tough process that starts with your brain, and by the end, will reach your heart.

Try not to focus on what you could've done wrong. Chances are you didn't do anything wrong. But sadly you can't make someone stay in love with you. You want to be in this relationship. She doesn't. She showed that when she started seeing her rebound guy, hopefully not before she broke things off. If she loved and respected you she would be with you and not seeing another guy. I know it's hard, but start NC right away. Whether you want her back or nothing to do with her, NC is the best way to go.

well, your wrong about one thing. your advice does help. as a an above sticky points out, my brain knows your right, my heart does not. and now that i think about it, in the 6 or so times we have hung out since the breakup, none have been initiated by her.

assuming i decide to initiate no contact, what do i do? if she texts me, calls me, whatever...do i outright ignore it? the idea of not being involved in her life is almost appauling.

It's hard feeling like you're hurting another person by ignoring them... but remind yourself what SHE has done to YOU every time you think you're being mean or hurting her.

She made the decision suddenly and stubbornly sticks to it.

She didn't just wake up and change her mind, she has thought of this for a long time. YOU are the one who is just finding out.

To make things worse, I have strong evidence that she has entered a rebound relationship, with a guy she met only 3 days after the breakup
She was moving away from you for some time now, you didn't know it.

We are friends now, but it is very difficult for me. We are not physical anymore, either. I do not act sad or down around her, and I stay positive and friendly with her. We talk about things and laugh still, but it is not the same.

You have been playing the role of friend because you want her back, instead of dealing with the break up and healing. Of course she likes you still in her life, but she is still free to do whatever she wants, with whomever, without guilt.

And to top it off, she is part of the same group of friends as myself. Old friends; breaking communication with them is not an option, and I will see her probably at least weekly even if I choose not to.
That will change when she leaves and just so you know, life and people change all the time, and yesterdays friends become memory, as you live your life and make new ones.

I want her to understand the mistake she's made, to understand that we should be together.
Forget that buddy, she doesn't feel she is making a mistake and she surely doesn't think you should be together, or you would be. Wishful thinking that ignores the facts.

But I have very little time to play the waiting game; she'll be gone soon. I can't stop wondering if I did something wrong, even though things were outwardly fantastic for the both of us until the last minute
Now its over, and its no ones fault, you just have not accepted it because your in shock, and because you still believe she will change her mind, due to false hope and still being in contact with her. That's not unique, that's human, and we all go through this at one time or another, and even a few times in our lives. Just read the other stories here, and see that for yourself. Your hardly alone buddy.

She will be gone soon, and you will heal, and see the reality of your situation, and deal with it in a positive way, and move forward with your life, and have your memories of the good time you had.

If not you will drown in your own shat, and be miserable.

Thanks for all the great advice here, its very sobering. The last piece I need to ask, do you think I need to confront her about things? The most recent times I've seen her I've kind of pretended to be perfectly fine. She doesn't know I've figured out she's seeing someone new already. Should I confront her and seek the closure I feel I need before I stop contacting her?

thanks for all the great advice here, its very sobering. the last piece i need to ask, do you think i need to confront her about things? the most recent times i've seen her i've kind of pretended to be perfectly fine. she doesn't know i've figured out shes seeing someone new already. should i confront her and seek the closure i feel i need before i stop contacting her?

I would say no. From the way you're speaking, it sounds like you want her to know you're not okay with it and you want her to feel bad, etc, want to get back together. You need to accept this first... as long as you have the mentality that she's going to "wake up" and want you back, NC will basically be impossible. As soon as she does the "I miss you, we should talk" speech, you'll be putty in her hands. You need to stick to NC, but for the right reasons... the main one being YOURSELF.

You're worrying too much about how she will feel or react to this... think about YOU. So you don't respond to messages, phone calls, etc... you have no obligations to this woman anymore.

Disappear from her life and let her figure it out.

In all honesty, you let yourself be led because of false hope. Now you want to confront HER for not being honest with you about HER business?

Go ahead if you really need to run head first into a brick wall to accept its over.

Geez guy, she told you straight up its over, you just didn't listen.

Your bluntness is appreciated. You know, I'm in denial about this most of the time, but there are moments of clarity. Hopefully the clarity sticks soon. Right now I understand that I got all the closure I needed when she told me it was over.

ainest, my man,

I know where you are standing. I am also in the same process and let me tell you, there is no point in thinking about her. It only hurts... I do have the same feelings and ideas... same false hopes and try to kick them out of my system. It is a flipping hard process and it while take time.

Believe me, I am there for the last 6 weeks... it paralises me from time to time and I put my life on hold... and every day I "waste" my day in thoughts, I look back and think: WHY?! Another day that I filled with something complete unnecessary... but still do allow yourself to heal as well and get on with your life.

My ex is a wonderful person with a wonderful personality although the break-up was tough and unexpected in the way it went along. I see her as a person that will always stay in my heart and mind, don't know about my life though.

I am accepting slowly but it is an up and down... have a look at my personal thread and follow the process... maybe you can identify yourself a bit... there are quite some good posts as well ;-)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/breaking-nc-chat-feel-me-363628.html

Take good care of YOURSELF, not HERSELF...

Tando, don't take this the wrong way, but your post has shown me how irrational I myself might have been (or still am?). I can see that you were out of your mind and blinded for a little while, until logic and reason set in... I'm still feeling that crazy, at times. And at other times, I am ready for NC. The best way to describe my current state is simply 'confused'.

One thing these posts have done, is talk me out of confronting her. I have realized (perhaps not accepted) the cold hard truth. Although I said the breakup was a surprise, the facts are, it was not. She is leaving the country in a few months. She has told me before that during that time, she wants 'a break to see other people', although we never agreed on that point. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. Our difference in opinion should have shown me: I was willing to wait a year for her, she was not. Of course, we stayed together for months after that conversation. But things had changed. I just didn't decide to see it until she dumped me.

Right now I'm telling myself that the right relationship will be easy, and I won't have to try so hard to make it work with 'the one'. Any happily married couple will tell you that.

NC is hard though; she contacted me today and thanked me for "being there for her"; that I'm "a really great friend". Why do I feel bad that ignoring her will hurt her feellngs, when she has hurt mine so intensely?

You can not make her love you. She has to learn from her own mistakes. Also whatever you do don't push or cry to her or anything that makes you come off needing her it could push her further away.

NC is hard though;
Yep, no matter how many times you do it.

she contacted me today and thanked me for "being there for her"; that I'm "a really great friend".
And you returned the niceties, didn't you?

Why do I feel bad that ignoring her will hurt her feellngs,
You don't have to ignore any one, but be busy and unavailable. She ain't got girlfriend privileges any more.

when she has hurt mine so intensely?
She didn't hurt you, the break up did. Break ups should always hurt, because you cared, and that's the way its supposed to be.

Hey ainest,

I did not take your words the wrong way. I was flipping irrational and I know it by now. That time I thought I was being clear but the more sand has moved through the hourglass, the clearer you can see through it ;-).

Good on you to not confronting her... it won't help you at all. I was close a couple of times, but in the end my head told me straight that there is nothing to gain from.

NC is bloody hard, but for me, the longer you keep it, the easier it gets. It's amazing...

Have you told her that you are going NC?? If not, maybe you need to let her know, why you need to do this step. That it's not about her but about yourself and your protection and process. Every contact from there is up to you. You need to decide how to interact in the end, but do it only to the extend in order to not hurt yourself!!

Have you checked on the sticky? Follow that advice and you'll be fine in the short and long run for sure...

You don't have to ignore any one, but be busy and unavailable. She ain't got girlfriend privileges any more.

She didn't hurt you, the break up did. Break ups should always hurt, because you cared, and thats the way its supposed to be.

These are both really good points. Being unavailable is far easier to carry out indefinitely; if I inform her about NC, she will only be offended and this will spur a fight, hurting both of our feelings. However, being 'busy', I believe, will send the same message, but in a more subtle way. She's busy with her new friends/possibly lover, anyway, so I doubt she will be to concerned about it. Possibly, it is as hurtful for her to be around me as it is for me around her; although we have hung out multiple times since the breakup, all have been initiated by me. Perhaps NC is best for both of us.

The second point I quoted will help me to avoid coming to resent her. I must always remember that her breaking up with me doesn't make her a bad person...

I must always remember that her breaking up with me doesn't make her a bad person...

Really good point, my man.

That is exactly the same way of thinking I am turning into...
It was her decision, but the pain is yours and you own it.

Merged thread

So, unfortunately during NC, I was at a party and my ex showed up. I was well into the process of getting over her. I was no longer very unhappy and I hadn't thought about her much. I was moving on with my life, as much as could be given the short time frame. When she showed up, at first I felt indifferent. However, she gave me a big hug and told me she missed me (a couple of times). Before departing, she did the same again, and then said "we should do this more, hang out more". Unfortunately, this has brought back hope and killed some of the closure I got from NC. Am I seeing to far into it? I can't figure out if I have a shot again and I should contact her more, or if she's just interested in friendship. One thing I can say unmistakably, and without doubt: the look in her eyes showed longing.

Well what's her story? Does she have a boyfriend? Why did you split up? I think since you were finally moving on and starting to live again you should keep it that way. You split for a reason and it might creep back up on you again if you start to date again. Maybe she saw you moved on and she didn't like it. Maybe she wanted you to be hung up on her still and you were not. Stick with it.

With my X it's the same way... we can be apart forever and if we see each other and hang out, we end up hooking up. The reality is that no matter how much we lust for each other, we still don't work well together. You can hook back up with her, but will it ever change the true reasons you don't work out? For me I know that my X and I will never work out... ever... so it just confuses you and puts hope in your mind. Of COURSE she longs for you... most X's wish they didn't have to break up.. I mean who wants to break up! But it doesn't change the incompatibility...

Whether she is interested in friendship or not, doesn't matter.
You aren't ready, and that is OK.
There was a spark before or you wouldn't have been together in the first place.
That spark doesn't die.

Just reading this boils my blood as I feel for you. Are you looking to far into it? Absolutely. Because if she MISSED YOU and WANTED to hang out with you more often- she would not have waited until seeing you at a party to start that bs. She would have made a phone call, sent an email, or found you- not RAN into you.

One thing I am finally learning about females is.. if they want to be in your life, NOTHING will stop them from being in your life. Keep on with the no contact man.. it's a minor hicup. I have ran into my ex about 7 times in the last 2 months and it's destroyed me.. even after not being with her for 8 months.. it's not always something we can control.

Keep your head up.
Thumper

Women are foul beasts sent to suck the life out of men... it is the way of the world man. This kind of garbage happens... don't let it mess you up! Let her actions do the talking, not her little BS words!

(No offense intended to the nice ladies out there)

Of course I don't know you, or her or the break-up and everyone is different.

After a break up (as you know) its not uncommon to miss the other person. And of course she might miss your company, but that's not to say that she misses the actual relationship.

As for NC it really is regrettable that your process was disrupted in this way an d that false hope came back.

B/c it is very likely that she meant what she said in a friendly manner (that is, she wants to be friends and hang out as friends, but nothing more).

You should continue the NC for your sake, unless you are willing to live with false hope and the frustration of unrequited feelings (which is a possible outcome).

I hope this was of some help!

Best of luck

Roxy

Forget the false hope and deal with your feelings, and stick with NC. This is but a glitch, that will pass if you let it. It's a gage of where you are at, and you are still healing. No big deal!! Just stay on your path.

Just like swine flu, this too shall pass. Stick to NC, also advise highly against hanging out with her or even speaking with her. You have come too far to turn back

I should clarify, she called me a couple of days before the meeting, and left me a voicemail indicating she'd like to hang out. That also contributes to the false hope. I think it all just indicates that I really miss her and want to be with her again. It just sucks because a couple of days before this, I was doing great. Thanks for all the great advice on this so far.

I hate to drag this out, but there is something I'm dwelling on that I can't seem to shake... and I guess this is the place to vent it. All the way back on the day that we broke up, weeks and weeks ago, when she told me I said that "i'd feel cold and loney if she left me". I know this is dramatic (I was basically begging her not to do it at the time), but her response was "see, THAT dependence scares me!". Should I take this as a sign that I am to needy and should change?

I don't know if I really think that or not... but I can't stop wondering if it won't come back and botch my future relationships. But on the other hand, shouldn't I feel that way about someone I love and don't want to lose? Should I take her words to heart?

Ainest, you have to learn to be your own person, without dependence on someone else for happiness. Relationships are about sharing, and if you love yourself someone will come along that wants to SHARE that love with you.

Never doubt that you are good enough, with, or without someone in your life.

Well, its been a few months since the breakup and around a month since my last post. Things have gone to hell, for sure. Against the wonderful advice I received here, I continued hanging out with her. We became physical for a couple of days, before I put a stop to that because it was hurtful. It was revealed (when I asked her) that she has been with multiple other guys since the breakup, which stings pretty badly. She has also been behaving self destructively with alcohol. I continued to hang out with her after discovering this, however, which has built some genuine anger and resentment.

I know what I must do now; NC is the only way to go. What I would like some input on, however, is how to handle the hurt that her actions with other men have caused me. Her first endeavor was only days after our breakup. I can't help but feel like complete garbage. I feel like during our long relationship, I was simply in the way of her doing what she does now. I feel like all my time and effort spent on the relationship meant nothing to her. It is really very devastating to have this knowledge.

Im going through a similar thing. 2mo. Of NC though.

I have had & still have many of those thoughts, but you can't or ever will get inside her head. There's really now point now, that's torture and, in a way doesn't help you one bit.

What Im learning is that every ounce of pain Ive felt since the breakup is self-inflicted. May sound weird, but I realized that once she dropped the bomb, I had to deal with it.

That's why NC is so important, to heal & understand yourself, to grow. And also to remove the drama and any future pain that the ex will inflict.

Not easy by any means, and Im still thinking about this BS. But, only time, strength and self-awareness will help ease the pain.

There's ups & downs & relapses, but if you truly work at healing yourself, everyday becomes a step forward.

Good luck man, you can do it...

I like this very much vanheart.I m about four weeks down the road and it takes time. But we ll work on it. All the best.