So I am 26 years old, I have been dating a 23 year old woman (college grad) for a little over a year now. She is a very intense girl. I knew her for 3 years before the relationship started as an athlete of mine. During that time she was dating a guy that I knew. I knew she did not treat him well, but I thought it was just because she was unhappy with him (which she was). After she graduated she broke up with him. We started hanging out a little and ended up dating. It started good, From knowing her for so long things progressed pretty quickly and the woman I knew and thought I could have a relationship changed into a different woman. I loved her despite her fighting with me every weekend because my job takes me away for Saturdays. We fight a lot over stupid things and most of them are arguments started by her. I am just fed up with fighting. The fighting has even made me question whether I love her, and it also makes me not want to be intimate with her. I have tried to tell her that her attitude and anger issues turn me off her but that just turns into a huge fight and she ends up becoming insecure about my attraction to her. Is this a dead end street? I have always been the dumpee, how do I go about breaking up with her? I want her as a friend, and the even trickier part is I still coach her as a swimmer, and she is almost an elite swimmer. When we started dating we agreed that the coach/ athlete relationship comes first and will remain even if we break up, but now I don't know.

I am so confused with my feelings, is this something I should fight through or just end it? Her temper really frustrated me and really ruins my attraction to her. Whenever I tell her she states... "this is who I am."

Please help!

I wouldn't be able to put up with her behavior for a week, and you have handled it for over a year... if it's me, I would be gone! Tell her how you feel and end it. Life is too short to put up with her BS on a constant basis.

In my experience, most women who have a temper never get it under control. Since most women are highly emotional and basically think their feelings, instead of thinking about their feelings, it's virtually impossible for them to work it out because the ability to think logically is non-existent.


Perhaps one of the funniest quotes I have ever read on this website... I fear you may get torn apart for this, but kudos to you for saying it!

To break up, you tell her that the relationship isn't working out for you. Maintaining a friendship and a coach/athlete relationship will not happen immediately. Make a plan right now for alternatives because you will need no contact for you both to heal.

In my experience, most women who have a temper never get it under control. Since most women are highly emotional and basically think their feelings, instead of thinking about their feelings, it's virtually impossible for them to work it out because the ability to think logically is non-existent. If she has been spoiled during her upbringing then good luck trying to change this about her; if not, then she has issues that she has to be able to work out herself.

Women thrive on emotions and other peoples responses to them. And her saying: "This is who I am" is the ultimate sign of selfishness and an unwillingness to even try to change. I'm not sure there is much you can do. Either you accept it, because more than likely she's not going to even try to change or you leave. If you accept it, you'll be living life under her terms because you'll never be able to express yourself without fear of her temper exploding. Fighting through is going to be extremely hard, because you'll always have to take the high road with her or always have to eat your words, whether you're right or wrong. I could never live like this. Hope this helps.

Fairly generalized.

<--- Slightly offended.

First off, you should have never become involved with someone you are coaching. That is bad form. The relationship doesn't work, (they rarely do) then what do you do.
Finally, no matter how bad she is, the point is you are unhappy. Deal with it or leave. The ball is in your court. You're either miserable enough to leave or you stay. If you stay, don't complain about her, it's your choice.

Anyone, man or woman with a bad temper does not over come it until or unless they want to.
IMO maturity not sexual orientation is the culprit.

Well I think you said it all in your own question. You said she treated the other guy bad and you knew it. You thought it was because she wasn't happy. But maybe she just isn't happy with herself. You sound like your not being treated any better my friend. I bet if you split up the next guy would get the same treatment. Not to mention its affecting how your starting to feel about her. I would take a step back and think long and hard. It just doesn't sound good to me.

Fight though it? Are you joking? Respect yourself and dump her.

With tempertantrums like you describe, she belongs in Kindergarten.

As long as your putting up with it, then she is intimidating you.

Stand up and tell her you have had enough, and she can go off and be mad by herself, and do whatever the freak she wants to.

That's how you break up with someone who is that nasty.


"this is who I am."


Show her who you are.

Whenever I tell her she states... "this is who I am."

Please help!
That is who she is and she has told you so. You have put up with it and are asking if you should continue even if you are miserable. Duh!
People will treat you in the way you allow them to treat you. If you stay and put up with it, that's on you.
If you're that unhappy leave, you owe her nothing.

Leave, get out down unless you want to be her doormat.

You knew the way she was when she was involved with your friend but I guess you thought it would be different with you.

Sometimes friends and relationships don't mix. She might be a different person as your friend but you see as a girlfriend she isn't a match.

Since you stated you're the person always getting dump you must be waiting for her to dump to you.

She already told you she isn't going change her actions or ways so why are you still there?

Can't deal with it, leave it. That's what I always say.

I knew I was going to get crap for my last post. And that a tidal wave of emotions would beat down on the shores of logic-land. But I said it anyways. Let me guess? All those opposed to my words were women right

Here it comes. From a Man.

The emotionless logic concept was proven futile by the third movie, Mr. Spock. If you actually do believe that, enjoy your bachelorhood.

Everyone will admit that western women think differently from western men. Fortunes have been made trying to describe and exploit these differences. The French platitude celebrates them. The best descriptions I've seen are that men are more linear and women more relationship oriented.

As for the original questioner. Run. Fast. Before the lawyers catch up with you for boinking someone you were coaching. You had no business in a personal relationship with her in the first place.

It may not be illegal but there is such a thing as professional ethics. There are some things you just should not do.
Coaches don't mess with the ones they are coaching, teachers don't mess with students, employers don't mess with their subordinates...

This guy messes with this young lady he has known since she was 19 or 20 and dogging out her last boy friend got what was coming to him. That was just stupid on his part, and now he's asking if he should continue in this? The problem is not her, it's him.

Relationship advice from a trekkie?!??! Really?!?!? Let me get this straight. You're a guy who likes cats and you take life lessons from Hollywood productions. Got it. Hmmmm....never mind....too easy.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And it's really easy to characterize me as the hopeless, insensitive, bachelor-for-life from behind your screen. You don't know who I am or what I've done or who I've done it with for that matter. I have my thoughts and I stick to them until something or someone proves me wrong, or if I cannot prove them wrong myself. I don't use this site as a way to endear my self to women or to anyone else here. I do that in the real world. Syrupy anecdotes and fluffy folk wisdom never enter into my thought process.

Also, since when is it illegal for a 26 year old coach to "boink" a 23 year old athlete? Stick to animal litigation or whatever it is you do here, because that last bit of advice was horrendous and is neither here nor there. This thread was started by a human. Not a cat, parrot, hamster or pot-bellied pig. Charlotte's Web this ain't.
The personal attack on this person is really unnecessary. :(

Itired don't go bashing Catsmine because Cat is his wife name. Get it? Cats Mine! He is saying Cat is his.

You were the one who posted what you did so everyone is giving their opinon to your response.

Next time watch what you write-- that's an order!

Also, since when is it illegal for a 26 year old coach to "boink" a 23 year old athlete?

It's called "breach of contract" and is a civil matter, as well as most likely a violation of the ethics clause in his employment contract. Getting into the relationship was exploitative, at best.

As to your opinions, you're absolutely right, everyone is entitled to their own.

First to answer the ethical dilemma questions. I am paid to be a college coach. Sure this person was once a student athlete of mine. But they were removed from the system before anything even started to happen. We decided it was in her best interest to keep training after college but we were also attracted to each other and we both wanted to act on that. If you do research it is actually very common for athletes to enter relationships with ex coaches or even current coaches (elite coaches not coaches in an educational setting).

Thanks for all the advice everyone it has helped me a lot.

She had a temper tantrum tonight (4th one in 3 days) from me playing a game of basketball with a friend before she got to my apartment (no estimated time of arrival was given and no plans made) and when she got here I wanted to finish (10 min more) she didn't talk to me for 30 min after the game and when I asked what was wrong she said I was rude and left. I went to her house have her some of her clothes she left at mine and said I am no longer putting up with her controlling behavior or temper. I said this through the door as she wouldn't open it. And I also told her we will talk when she is ready.

I am glad to hear you stood up to her but you left it open ended by still giving her a choice.

Since most women are highly emotional and basically think their feelings, instead of thinking about their feelings, it's virtually impossible for them to work it out because the ability to think logically is non-existent.

Hmm... that's quite the odd thing to say...

I was her once, mad, argumentative... but then I grew out of it. That was 21 years ago. I'm 26 now.

So... by the time you're in your forties it will probably be all good. Question is, are you willing to put up with it for that long?

If you do research it is actually very common for athletes to enter relationships with ex coaches or even current coaches (elite coaches not coaches in an educational setting).

It's also quite common to hear of spectacular breakups, and very rare to see successful relationships come of this type of beginning. While I'm sure a lot of that is due to the "gossip column" nature of reporting these days, intuitively it seems a natural consequence of the type of relationship. The trust and respect in one's coach and the pride and nurturing of one's athlete do not translate well into an equal partnership(keyword being equal) that is necessary in a life mate.

As for this particular athlete, she seems to have lost all respect for you if she ever had any. Ending this relationship before it becomes violent would be my advice.

After all the bickering back and forth, one thing is still clear and has been since the first response to this thread. Will you or won't you continue to put up with this childish behavior? Time to Sh** or get off the pot buddy... personally, she would have been gone a long time ago.

Regardless of how much education she may have, she sounds remarkably like a bipolar constantly having hissy fits and temper tantrums. Run to the nearest exit or keep seeing her to your emotional peril.