SO I am in this relationship now for about 4years.

Is is fair, rude, out of line to ask your girlfriend for oral sex?

I think it is rude that you never gotten oral in 4 years. Do you give her oral?

After 4 years? Not at all. Have you already been in sexual relations? Have you had this discussion yet? I mean fill us in more. But if your already having sex and she hasn't or you haven't asked then I think its fine to mention it.

Lol.. thanks for the response.
She won't even get on top during sex.. (she gets upset if I ask her.)

I am not allowed to kiss, or touch let alone give oral.

I have to hurry and "get it over with."

I have to ask permission.

OH my god! Are you her first? Well if not then run fast and far. No offense to her. But if your with her 4 years and that's all it is, well it won't get better.

How old are you two?

She won't get on top even? Me and my boyfriend fight over who gets to be on top! Ha I don't know that it would help any, but have you tried slipping her a cosmo magazine or anything?

I am 32 she is 28.
NO first timers here.

Basically we couldn't be on more opposites scales of the relationship. When we were dating this things were not an issue. Later on everything became an issue.

1) She had a problem with sex and all because of the way men have treated/run away. (I am not doing that.)

2) Well then she doesn't enjoy sex. (okay, why not?) Well it hurts..

3) Why does it hurt.. apparently she ahs a condition called vulvadynia (found out last summer.) Went to see a gynocologist, nothing they can really do about it.

I got on forums etc, to research and try to find out what "we" can do about it. Got upset cause I was doing it so I could get more sex.

She doesn't like sex, but she "hates it with me." Because I make her submit.

I feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting to give/get oral, or for her to be on top, or to touch her or kiss her...

I have tried everything to support, go to counseling together...

Is it just with you or has she been like his with other partners?

I don't know how you should handle this. She seems pretty set on her ways and views about sex. What you need to think about is it a deal breaker. Personally if a girl was saying she "hates" sex with me, I'm going to leave. While sex isn't a big part of any relationship, the fact that she hates it would speak volumes.

Is it just with you or has she been like his with other partners?

Well apparently with all her partners, but no one has stuck around as long as I have. So now all the issues are popping up...

Yeah I am not sure that sex is a deal breaker..

But what might be is that fact that we don't kiss, can not touch, can't do anything. In 4 years, on my birthday, I ask for oral... "ewww NO!.""

Funny when we were dating it was not an issue. All of a sudden I'm disgusting to her.

Are you married, you keep saying when you were dating

No not married, but we live together.. idea was to move towards that.

If she was like this with other partners then be thankful its not just you. Although sex shouldn't be a deal breaker it can put a strain on having a healthy relationship or not. Even kissing and touching can be so nice at times and that isn't wanted either. I guess its tough. You can either love her enough to stick around. Or have a long talk. You seem like you would be happier in a more active sex life. Can you live like this forever?

There are weeks where I'm okay, and then there are weeks that it just really bugs the heck out of me..

I feel like there is always a hurdle to cross, and ones that are not there because this is life, its hoops that I have to jump through that she has put up.

Recently she's made me shave (mind, you its not like I'm the Zohan) now cause that bugs her too, apprantly it was hurting her. And even after I shaved she acted like it still did (hurt her), and I'm like now what... I shaved?

I get yelled at if I do not "enter" correctly, even that is now an issue.

I guess you have to sit and think if you can live like this or not. It will be a long life if she is never happy. I bet if you just stopped trying and stopped having sex that would make her happy. You have to think long term also. This may cause many more problems down the road.

The no kissing, the no touching, the being told how to enter would be a deal breaker for me. You might as well just be roomates at that point.

I agree with Spit, not only is she demanding, she's controlling too. If my fiancé said no to kissing me. I politely show her the door. To not have physical connection is like having a friendship, which is what you two seem to have

I love her a lot, and that's the part the hurts... that you do and try so hard.

I am always cranky, and upset.

On the one hand you thnk to yourself, do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life?

Then you think about how you care for someone...

Hmm, you really have to decide what you want out of the relationship. The truth is, sex is a part of a healthy relationship (whether you wait until you're married or not). But my point is, that if it bothers her so much, what about when you're married?- it's not going to change.

I don't think I could be with someone that wasn't willing to have sex with me. And especially if she thinks you're disgusting. I know that it's important to me and definitely couldn't see myself planning the rest of my life under those conditions.

You seem to have tried a lot of different things to make her more comfortable and if she's not willing to meet you halfway you have to decide.

I'll be the first one to ask this:... Let it be said that I don't condone cheating but 4 years is long enough... do you really think you could stay faithful to her for the next 50 years or more and not have sex regularly?

Plus I'm bothered by the fact that there's no other signs of affection which are equally important in a loving relationship.

NVA.org - Treatment (http://www.nva.org/about_vulvodynia/treatment.html)

You might have already seen this since you mentioned you started researching it yourself. You don't sound like you're getting ready to pack your bags so if you're planning to stick around and still want to work to marriage maybe, you should seriously consider couples counseling.

Thank a lot folks for the responses. I am not sure what to do anymore.

I found tons of books forums etc but nope, don't want to go there.

Its not like I do not get sex, It usually works like this. I have to ask for sex around dinner time, no later cause that pisses her off, (if you want it just ask is what I'm told if were are in bed and I touch her!) Then its usually lay there and "get it over with." If I try to kiss or touch, no! If I go more more than 10mins... hurry.

I know what I want out of the relationship, but clearly its not going to happen.

I have never cheated in any relationship... don't believe in it. But I actually thought about it.. just don't have sex with her that way we can be together and be happy... and they just get my needs. NUTS

I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your position... I'd feel hurt and rejected. If I touch my boyfriend and he said; hey you want it you have to ask (of course it would be diff for me seeing as I'm a gal and would have a boyfriend... ) but if it did seem that he'd want sex with me at all... well that would be hurtful.

When I read all your posts it just makes me wonder of a couple of things

1. Has she lost interest and you're just there for companion? (seeing as she wasn't like this when you were dating)
2. Has she ever been abused?
3. suffered a trauma that has made her feel like this?
4. Is she depressed?
5. Why does she stay with you?

I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your position.... I'd feel hurt and rejected. If I touch my bf and he said; hey you want it you have to ask (of course it would be diff for me seeing as I'm a gal and would have a bf....) but if it did seem that he'd want sex with me at all... well that would be hurtful.

when I read all your posts it just makes me wonder of a couple of things

1. Has she lost interest and you're just there for companion? (seeing as she wasn't like this when you were dating)
2. Has she ever been abused?
3. suffered a trauma that has made her feel like this?
4. Is she depressed?
5. Why does she stay with you?

Im wondering the same thing..
1) It certaily feels like it. When I asked her how come this was not an issue when we were dating she said that it was the only way she could get close to me.
2)Well her conditioned (that she has dealt with her whole life and is just now coming out with it.) SO now she has psychological blocks too.
3) I think 2.
4) She says she loves me. (its the only reason she hasn't left)

I'm going to Google her condition.

But do you feel its worth it in the long run? To have a girlfriend that doesn't want to be toched, or kissed, given oral, have sex, and so on?

Personally I don't think that sex is the biggest part of a relationship, but it is important (to me personally) that the sexual part of a relationship is satisfying for both of the people involved.

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4487320)

You have put in 4 years, and tried everything you could. She will not change. Either you do, or accept this behavior for the rest of your life.

Doubt seriously if it gets better.

Tl,

That's what I am thinking.. there is always another hoop to jump through. And its getting worse... I feel like I change, but then its always something else, shave, then enter this way, now hurry, no I'm not doing that...

It hurts. I work extremely hard, we have no money problems, big house etc, good jobs, good family, but no one is happy...

roxypox, I have researched it.. and apparently was only doing it so I could get more sex...

Well, even though you might love each other. It seems that you need to decide whether this is worth it... how many hoops will you have to jump through?

You. Its tough .
You believe in things, you love things and then you wonder why.

So it is normal then to as for oral?

Its not rude.Maybe she's waiting for you to ask?

I did, and her response was "EWWW. NO!"

Well then there's nothing you can really do ha!ask her to do it once and if she still doesn't want to do it after that then leave it..

Lol yea.
I'm just going to drop the whole freaggin thing. Im not even going to ask for intimacy... what's they point, if someone hates it with you.

Why make people do things they do not want to do.

She obviously doesn't hate intimacy with you if she's having sex with you?

Well... true... why do it if they hate it with you... gosh. I would have flown of my hences if I was with someone who hated it with me... intimacy, sex etc...

I guess you can't do anything to fix this, seeing as she has the issues that she has. All you can really do is either go or stay.

Holly23: She obviously doesn't hate intimacy with you if she's having sex with you?

Holly you need to read ALL of the posts not just the ones on the last page!!

In my guessing this relationship will not last. It just won't. Eventually your going to resent her more and more because of how she treats this subject and you may crack and cheat. You don't know. You just can't predict the future. You sound like a great guy with a lot to offer and I only hope it changes for the better or you get the strength to make the choice and move on. Your way to young to have this kind of limited sex life.

That's what I feel like, something's got to give, and I do not want to feel like or become a bad person.

I know I am not perfect by any means, I try to be fair and do the right always.

That's part of the problem too is that is just not satisfying...

Well, it's rude if you do it on the first date, but women like a man who knows what he wants.


lol.. thanks for the response.
She wont even get on top during sex.. (she gets upset if I ask her.)

I am not allowed to kiss, or touch let alone give oral.

I have to hurry up and "get it over with."
Oh man that's awful. I wouldn't last four weeks let alone four years, you're a better man than I.

Hey,I've been following this thread,and I feel for your girlfriend.. I don't really feel so bad for you,you can make a choice,you can leave and start over,it does sound like your going to stay,and I doubt after 4 years things will change regarding your sex life,but your girlfriend.. she has no choice.. this is happening to her.
My advice,leave... or accept this is the way things are for now.

..i dont really feel so bad for you,you can make a choice,you can leave and start over...she has no choice..this is happening to her.
my advice,leave...or accept this is the way things are for now.

I do feel bad for him. It seems he's been pretty patient with the situation. Sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship. Both partners' needs should be met. True enough, she has some physical and mental issues she must deal with but it's affecting both of them.

It's obvious that he loves her very much and doesn't want to leave her at the drop of a hat over this. I think he must be in a terrible position to love someone so much yet to have dealt with lack of affection for 4 years. It speaks volumes that he hasn't used this as an excuse to cheat.

Her issue with painful sex is one thing, but to not even hold hands and kiss? To be disgusted by him wanting to be affectionate in other ways? I do feel sorry for him.

It is a tough situation,for both parties.. I agree with the main body of posts that kissing and touching is so important,he's not going to leave but he has the choice too.
I just feel for this girl.

She probably has a story behind her actions, would be my guess. I would sure find out.

I feel really bad for her too, and feel like I'm not going to be like "oh well, you dont like sex, well fine, im outta here."
I have asked her, what do you want me to do, what can I do.
I have offered to go to a therapist with her and me, tell me what to do.
Cause everything I do is wrong. If I don't ask she gets mad, if I ask she gets mad.

Is there ever a time you two enjoy each other?

Does she ever make you feel like she appreciates you (other than the bedroom)?

Does she have some strong positives that make you stay?

Is there ever a time you two enjoy each other?

Does she ever make you feel like she appreciates you (other than the bedroom)?

Does she have some strong positives that make you stay??


Yeah when sex or affection is not an issue.

Mm, honestly it doesn't feel like it... I asked her one day, "what is is that we share?" IM not sure anymore what the or if there are positives left. It makes it a bitter situation.

Its kind of like a cut on your arm that won't heal, and just is raw allllllll the time. And its not just sex it's the fact that there is no intimacy at all. Even when we go to bed, I can not touch here, she sleeps on the opposite side of the bed and if my leg or anything comes that side...

Yeah when sex or affection is not an issue.

mm, honestly it doesnt feel like it... I asked her one day, "what is is that we share?" IM not sure anymore what the or if there are positives left. It makes it a bitter situation.

Its kinda like a cut on your arm that wont heal, and just is raw allllllll the time. And its not just sex its the fact that there is no intimacy at all. Even when we go to bed, I can not touch here, she sleeps on the opposite side of the bed and if my leg or anything comes that side.....

Honestly it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship left. Beyond the sex, the fact that there's no affection whatsoever and you're not even allowed to touch her, well that's not OK. You're not happy and deserve to be.

And the fact that you liken your relationship to a bothersome cut says it all. You may have to get the courage and get out of this relationship. Not because there's no sex. But there's no intimacy whatsoever.

I likened the situation as a cut on your body that doesn't heal.
While the rest of you body might be OK, the fact that you have a serious cut on your arm that is not healing kind of starts to affect a lot.

SO the fact that there is NO intimacy of any kind in the relationship kind of leaves you feeling empty... so ye sure we got to all the restaurants, movies etc... it just no the same

Then what you have is a platonic friend.

I don't how or why your staying in this dead end relationship. This relationship is lacking so much and if she can have an open, honesty discussion with you after 4 years she never will be able to.

Call me crazy but I would have been left. You're a strong person for staying because I couldn't.

I don't how or why your staying in this dead end relationship. This relationship is lacking so much and if she can have an open, honesty discussion with you after 4 years she never will be able to.

Call me crazy but I would have been left. Your a strong person for staying because I couldn't.

That is a funny funny funny quote by the way... love it.

I do love (and care) that is something that is keeping me here. I keep thinking that it'll change, It will get better, when she realizes this or that, or if she finally this...

Its funny cause she told me she resents me for making her have (submitting) sex!! So now she is ending up hating and resenting me because of sex/intimacy but has not left because she still loves me. And she has sex cause she knows that she would have to have it with who ever she is with...

Have your girlfriend ever been rape or molested in the past? Maybe as a child?

no... that would seem to make the most sense.

:)

Well, since she won't talk to you about things it would be hard to find out.

I mean no she has not been...

Apparently cause of the vulvadynia she hates sex and has come to have a whole lot of psychological blocks too.

I would leave if I were in your situation... when come to think about it... I kind of did leave a relationship because of lack of intimacy...


that is a funny funny funny quote btw.... love it.

I do love (and care) that is something that is keeping me here. I keep thinking that itll change, It will get better, when she realizes this or that, or if she finally this.....

its funny cause she told me she resents me for making her have (submitting) sex!!!! So now she is ending up hating and resenting me because of sex/intimacy but has not left because she still loves me. And she has sex cause she knows that she would have to have it with who ever she is with...


I don't know, I must say that I admire that you stay out of love, but at the same time it kind of feels like you are staying out of false hope that it will get better.

Can it get better when she is resentful towards you for wanting or even needing intimacy?

It really must be a terrible situation for the both of you and in the long run it really might be better if both of you let go of the relationship. Can it really go anywhere?

Has she thought about therapy? For the psychological blocks... or maybe find something to ease the pain? I read something about this on the mayoclinic site. I can try to find a link... if she wants to ease it or even wants intimacy at this point... Why does she stay with you?

Ok for some reason this thought just hit me. While I do feel for both sides because clearly she is struggling with some kind of issue. But to not want any kind of touching or kissing either is crazy. Now here is an off the wall question. Is there a slight tiny chance she is struggling with her sexuality??

I'm surprised we none of us thought of that question sooner. Even when I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend I usually like to cuddle up with him and kiss him...

i'm surprised we none of us thought of that question sooner. even when i don't want to have sex with my boyfriend i usually like to cuddle up with him and kiss him...

I know I have been following this thread and just now it had hit me. He said she was like that with her other partners before him so maybe she is struggling inside with who she is. Maybe her sexuality is in question. No one knows but her.

2) Well then she doesn't enjoy sex. (okay, why not?) Well it hurts..

3) Why does it hurt.. apparently she has a condition called vulvodynia (found out last summer.) Went to see a gynecologist, nothing they can really do about it.


So what HAS been done about it?? Do you know what it is? If she is still suffering, that's something to deal with.

Treatment for Vulvodynia Vulvadynia - Ask.com Search (http://www.ask.com/web?q=Treatment+for+Vulvodynia+Vulvadynia&qsrc=6&o=0&l=dir)

Pain is not just physically debilitating, but mentally, and emotionally as well.

NO I don't think she is struggling with that, maybe.

So yeah when she found out she had this condition, she when to the doc (I offered to go) and was give some things, creams etc. but she never followed through.
I did research, found forums etc but was told that the only reason I was doing it was cause I wanted more sex, so I just let it go.

She gets this way because sex is extreeeeeemley painful, I get it, so I know I need to do things different too. But doesn't want to go together to counselor... or later or doesn't want to take about it. She was giver creams to stop the pain, but she don't use them.

If intercourse hurts, there are other things we can do, or you know evern it out. But no.

So its always an obstacle. Its always finding reasons things don't work, rather than how we can make it work...

After I had my son I went through a period were sex was indeed painful, uncomfortable, not bearable. I tried because I like sex, but the more we tried the more it hurt the more I didn't want it.

It became a self fulfilling prophecy, I expected it to hurt, was waiting for it to hurt so I would refuse.

I went to the doctor, nothing wrong, I'm fine, but it still hurt.

It got to the point were I really think that it was in my head. Not the first few times, that pain was real, but because it did hurt those first few times I expected it to hurt and it did. I wouldn't allow myself to relax and enjoy it because I was waiting for the pain.

I had to work through it, which I did. It helped that hubby is a very understanding man. He hated seeing me in pain so it was easy for him to stay away.

Having said all that, we still enjoyed oral sex because that didn't hurt and I felt so bad for denying him sex, I felt it was all my fault.

Your girlfriend needs help to overcome this, at the same time, she has issues that have nothing to do with the pain. No kissing, no touching, nothing, that says a lot.

You have to decide if you can accept this, if a sexless relationship is something you're willing to suffer through because really, she's the only one that can make this change, you can't.

Good luck.

Oral usually comes with the relationship package. I find it odd that she is not into any form of sexual intimacy. Even with her condition, there are ways both of you can find sexual satisfaction without penile penetration. That fact that she is unwilling to explore these alternatives is disheartening. Would you be willing to see a counselor with her? That's the only thing I can come up with. If things don't improve, I wouldn't stay. I know sex isn't everything, but it is a part of a healthy relationship.

Good luck...

It sounded like he was plenty willing to see a counselor with her and she wouldn't let him...

This all sounds like much more then painful sex to me.

Take it from someone who was sexually molested and raped. She has issues that don't have anything to do with the pain of sex. I'd bet on it.

She needs counselling, otherwise this will never end, no matter what.

That's just my opinion though, I could be wrong.

Did you read the links I gave you? Obviously not as you would have followed them to find out this condition goes way beyond just sexual intercourse, and the treatment goes beyond just a topical crème to alleviate the symptoms. It requires several follow ups, and consultations.

If you have not explored those options you need to.

I highly suggest you look beyond your needs, and wants, and focus on a way to communicate, and work together to solve your problems, so you both can benefit, grow, and enjoy each other and this marriage, fully, or else you don't have a marriage.

Your problem is the lack of communications, and the unwillingness to work together. Your tactics so far are inadequate in convincing her to talk, or work with you.

Advice- A week of fishing while you figure out a better strategy, without her influence.

Translation- Time away from each other.

Just me, I can go without sex when necessary, and have, I don't tolerate the non-communications as you are doing.

Hey Tal,

Please don't assume so much, I appreciate your input. But I have researched, I have even talked to people that have the condition. I have offered to go to counseling, got books, problem is "I am." I have tried and tried.

I do realize that it is about us, her and not just me and my wants. I get that. I have asked her, what would make her comfortable, we don't have to have sex every time, there are other ways, "we can work through it."
And this is not about sex or having sex... is about the fact that she hates sex and every time it comes up its awful thing for both of us.

"Just me, I can go without sex when necessary, and have, I don't tolerate the non-communications as you are doing."

Uhhh yeah, I can too, but this is not about going a week or a month without sex.

"Your problem is the lack of communications, and the unwillingness to work together. Your tactics so far are inadequate in convincing her to talk, or work with you."
Again, please do not assume, I have tried a lot of different things.

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Did you read the links I gave you? Obviously not as you would have followed them to find out this condition goes way beyond just sexual intercourse, and the treatment goes beyond just a topical crème to alleviate the symptoms. It requires several follow ups, and consultations.


Yes and I have many more too.

I think it is very rude and immature to even think of that when u only have 4 days. It is stupid, seriously man, you're only 4 days with her, u don't want to ruin it too soon.

Whaaaaaat?

4years man.

She has a medical condition that makes SEX painful, and that's horrible for you both. But how about the touching and kissing and other signs of affection? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this? Maybe she would be better off with someone who doesn't like sex or the rest. You love her and that's what makes this tough, but it sounds like this relationship is doomed. Good luck and GOD bless you both.

If she won't go to counseling, what else can you do? There are other ways you two could be sexually intimate, but if she's unwilling... you have all the reason in the world to leave. Really. You aren't a jerk for doing so. She seems completely unwilling to compromise.

She when to counseling for 3-4 sessions then quit... I guess she wasn't doing it for herself.

In a last ditch effort we are going together to counseling..
I had suggested that there are other ways to be intimate at least till we figure this out, "not its fine." But really its not and it shows.

SO hopefully counseling will help. I had once asked her why if, she hates to so much why she keeps doing it, and she said that she knows that to be in a relationship that she has to "submit." Obviously that is not going to work, not for me or any one else.

No its not, and it hasn't so far. Counseling is good, as a third party may help.

Yeah, that's what I am hoping that some one, a professional can help or guide us to a solution, and if not at least well be on good terms, and not bitter and angry etc... I want this to be good either way... whatever the outcome.

Just is hard sometimes, to know what the right thing is.