Hi All,

I’m trying to seek some advice now out of sheer desperation because I just don’t know what to do anymore. My best friend(bf) and I met nearly five years ago now. There were a few of us who seemed to bond and gel really well as a group and we all hit it off immediately. Now I’m not that big of a numpty, I know times change and people move on but I feel like over the last nine months my soul has been completely tortured and now I’m just sat with my head in my heads (gawd this does sound melodramatic).

I will attempt to be as brief and concise as possible, but I do have a tendency to ramble and want to give a comprehensive picture of what’s gone on so I can get some informed advice (hopefully).

Basically, I love my boyfriend dearly. We’ve been through some real brilliant fun and emotional times. Aside from my family she really does mean the world to me. She genuinely is one of the most lovely people I could have ever hoped to have come across. We were basically inseparable. I know this sounds really clingly like we were in a relationship and in some weird way we were (I mean there's just different kinds of relationships). We would hook up all the time, have conversations for hours.. . And then it all changed. She got a new group of mates and one in particularly who I feel has just totally replaced me. She drifted away from me and I didn’t like it. I was constantly feeling hurt, rejected and betrayed. She had got this new group of people and I was totally out of the picture. I felt totally angry at her and couldn’t believe that she of all people had done this to me. I never in a million years expected this of her. She always told me what I meant to her and I had never had anyone say those things to me. I had never felt such a close bond with anyone in my life. Sure I have mates but our friendship was soooooooooooooooo different. I loved it, I never wanted it to change but it did. Through this time she knew how I felt, we had some blazing rows, almost came to blows and I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like she had totally destroyed me. She continually told me (and still tells me) that her feelings for me hadn’t changed; I was still her number one; she wasn’t looking for a new best friend but as I say I feel so replaced by this one person. All the things she once did with me she now does with this person and it hurts me like hell.

For about six months I suffered quite badly, it affected my health. I was cranky with people, I became nasty – all because I was hurting. But I realised, this wasn’t me, this isn’t who I want to be. So recently have started to try and turn my life back around and be the person I was and want to be again. All the while keeping my boyfriend in my life. I still think of her as my boyfriend and she says that’s how she still sees me, but more and more all I get from her is anger and frustration. For months now she has said to me that she can’t talk to me about things. I said to her that if she was going to talk about her ‘me replacement’ then I wasn’t interested and didn’t want to know but for anything else I was more than happy to be around and I have been. She went through a rough patch and I have been there for her because that’s what friends do, but then something (invariable because I get dumped for the ‘me replacement’ ) happens and she gets mad and tells me she can’t talk to me. Surely she can understand that there is this one, tinnie, tiny iota of her life that I don’t want to hear her harp on about yet because it still hurts me like mad and she holds it against me? I have always been there for her, and I hope I always can be, but she’s never there for me anymore. And whenever I do want her, she's busy with you know who. It couldn’t be anyone else in the world (which wouldn’t bother me, we both have other mates). She just isn’t there for me anymore.

I’ve tried everything, EVERYTHING. I’ve given her time, I’ve given her space, I even took her away on holiday and we had such a great time, but then she throws ‘not being able to talk to me’ back in my face. Now she just won’t engage with me on it on any level or talk about it. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about all stuff that we would normally with anyone else and the important stuff, the stuff that’s causing the rift is just left because I don’t think she wants to face it. Yes its been ages and she’s talked about it to death, but there is a bigger picture here which won’t get resolved until she talks.

I’ve tried my best to respect her but I don’t think I can take or do anything anymore. I love her dearly and can’t bear to see her hurt and angry at me like she is. I just feel like I’ve lost her and that’s what I don’t want – and she keeps telling me she doesn’t want to lose me. This has been going on for nine months now and all I want is for her to open up to me because I know once she lets it all out it’ll be better. Its like she is holding onto something huge (and I don’t think it is as big as she thinks it is in her head) At least we can then discuss things rationally. Other than strapping her in a chair and going Jack Bauer on her with some interrogation techniques I don’t know what to do!! And the ‘me replacement’ is obviously perfect for her. She’s now got someone new to talk to and a relationship which isn’t as emotional as ours, which I totally understand. Gawd I hate that woman (not my bf)! Her and her needy arse self took away something which I loved.

Please help! I feel like my sanity is really being tested again. And I refuse to feel completely destroyed again. I don’t ever want to go back to that place :( I know I sound slightly unhinged, psychotic, nuts and jealous. But its not that, haven’t you had something so much you would do anything to keep it? And if you haven’t then you truly have led a sad and sheltered life.

ps - anyone who says give her time isn't really helping. I think she has had enough time and needs to face a few things now. She's said she needed time to think in the past but all she does it busy herself with everything else and not actually give it any real time.

She more than likely got sick and tire of your clinginess which lead to your anger and temper tantrums towards her.

You seem to had made this friendship your whole life and then got upset when she got new friends instead of you making some of your own and having a life of your own.

You can't knock her nor be angry at her. You got attached to her, which is unhealthy, which lead to your jealousy.

Get out there and make new friends because it is okay to have more than 1 friends and have a friend that has other friends besides you.

This best friends of yours got sick of you and who knows if time will bring her back into your life because you might have push her away for good.

Ok, I'm trying to understand something here. You said you two were kind of in a relationship? So are you a woman or man? And is your replacement a woman or a man? I may be able to provide some insight if this situation is the way I'm thinking it is but I don't want to be way off-base.

Woman
Woman

Do you feel like she's in a relationship with this other person or that they've just become very good friends?

I think they are just good friends, but who knows?
I rambled on I know, but ultimatley what I want to know is how I get her to talk to me because that's what she says she wants. Apparently she doesn't talk to new boyfriend like she does and wants to with me. I know I sound really clingy here and I know it is unhealthy (and she really isn't my only mate although it seems this way!) but I just wish she was OK with me and not sure what I can do anymore. It would be really sad to walk away.

If she says she wants to talk to you but doesn't, I would question if she means what she says. It doesn't make sense to me because her actions are contradicting her words. You're going to probably have to let her be for a while so she can realize what it's like to miss spending time with you. If you continue what you're doing you might just push her farther away.

You can't make someone talk to you. If someone is going be your friend they even is going or not.

I think your friend might still want to be your friend and misses your friendship but afraid to due your reactions in the past.

She might be saying stuff to let you down easy instead of being direct.

Yeh Zoe I hear what you are saying. Sometimes I think she is having a laugh because what she says and what she does don't make sense or marry up. I really believe in her and what she says because I think she really is a genuine person but the action doesn't follow. She keeps telling me she misses spending time with me and it used to be cool and spontaneous. Now its like I have to book any appointment with her to see or speak with her. Its ridiculous! I honestly don't expect her to be at my beck and call, but its just gone completley the other way because she's always busy with new gal. Sorry I know I sound pathetic. I don't think she has time to miss me really.

Ps- love the Van Wilder quote ;-)

To many mixed signals to know what any one really wants, and some time completely away from this situation will do you some good.

I think you benefit from a look at things with fresh eyes.

Cookie Bandit, I think that you've exceeded the bounds of a healthy friendship.

Friendships are like any other relationship - they are organic and they grow and change, and I suspect that you don't have the resilience to deal with the mutability that exists within most healthy strong friendships.


She drifted away from me and I didn’t like it. I was constantly feeling hurt, rejected and betrayed. She had got this new group of people and I was totally out of the picture. I felt totally angry at her and couldn’t believe that she of all people had done this to me. I never in a million years expected this of her. She always told me what I meant to her and I had never had anyone say those things to me. I had never felt such a close bond with anyone in my life.

Can you see that this is all about you? No wonder she feels that she can't talk to you now, because it doesn't sound as if you ever really considered her. Yes, I know you will say that you did - but you really only considered her in relation to your own needs.


I know I sound slightly unhinged, psychotic, nuts and jealous. But its not that, haven’t you had something so much you would do anything to keep it?

Friendships are not possessions, nor are people. It's your choice to feel like this and to behave this way. It's your choice to destroy yourself. She's not doing this to you, you're doing it to yourself.

I think that it is really important for you to take responsibility for your possessive and clingy behavior in this friendship.

Can't you see that you've driven your best friend away with your demands and your drama?