Ok so here goes-

I have had a very trying upbringing with a lovely cocktail of molestation and alcoholism which eventually ended with a few nervous breakdowns & the death of my mother (in which I still wonder if it may have been suicide by giving up on life, if that makes any sense).

When I was younger (1st- 3rd grade, immediately after the molestation episode while my mother was in the hospital for an ulcer from her alcohol consumption), I had panic attacks when I was placed in daycare & would freak out when my mother left or was on her way to pick me up. My panic attacks always centered around a worry that she would not show up due to a car accident, etc.

After years of therapy, I made it through my panic attacks & was brought into adolescence... which offered yet another cocktail...

My mother drank herself crazy every night, I was severely depressed & began experimenting with drugs and alcohol at a very young age, & eventually I set out on my own (which meant I stayed mostly with my serious boyfriend at the time & found my own rides to school.)

Finished high school. Left that boyfriend for another man. Started college. Experimented w/more drugs behind his back. Eventually broke up. 2 years single with a plethera of sexual promiscuity & drug use. Eventually dropped out of college after failing classes/finding out I was pregnant (they occurred at the same time & both were reasons I put school on hold.

Had my daughter- most awesome human being alive. Then I met a man I was in a relationship with for almost 5 years. During that time, I began to look at him like an enemy- couldn't talk to him/open up, resented any and every thing he did, eventually made him into an abusive boyfriend (by accosting him and pushing him to the limit) then started cheating like it was going out of style.

Eventually we broke up, I got a house of my own, and met a sensitive, bend-over-backward-for-me-and-my-daughter, shares all of my interests, treats me with respect, takes on responsibilities, kind of guy & it took me months before I broke down my walls & let myself love him without wanting to run & leave every 3-4 days.

For 4 months, I was in love with him with an occasional mood swing.

Now, I can't stand him, even though he does nothing wrong.

I am at wits end, trying to figure out if I need counseling (again), mood stabilizers, or if I may have overcome my problems but just suffer from PMDD. Oh, and did I mention I have a successful yet stressful job and many friends but am an alcoholic?

I've done research on symptoms, but I need a opinion at this point.

GEEZ can you tell I have been holding back?? (It's part of the not-wanting-to-talk-to-my-partner-about-my-problems issue... )

Help if you can, I'm a new member, but already a thread of yours has given me light...

Regards,
Becky

A opinion, hmmm. Booze.

King alcohol lied to me about being my friend for years. It helped me cope with the stress of life. It helped me run in fear from those who could have helped me. It eventually cost me jobs, relationships and my kids. It's a good liar too.

If you can give up alcohol. A huge problem will be solved. Life won't get easier, but you will clearly see, yourself. Then you will be able to make decisions knowing that you did it with your intellect. Alcohol puts emotions center-front on the stage of life. Of course, it tells you that's not true. What a good liar it is.

Break the cycle. Your mom was an alcoholic. Show your daughter a life without it. Find out who you really are and share that with your significant other, your child and the people in your life.