Me and my wife have been married almost 6 years now. She brought her daughter from a previous relationship to our marriage and we have 1 child together. Me and my wife are at ends at this point. I want honest answers so I'll be honest about myself.

I haven't been there emotionally for my wife. I have been impatient. I have neglected her needs. Most of her complaints about me are true. We are at a point where just me (finally) realizing what a jerk I have been isn't enough. And just me telling her I now (finally) see the error of my ways is not enough. All this does is push her away. So my first question is how do I get her back with all that being said?

My second question is... a few weeks ago I found some emails from her to ex-boyfriends. Without boring you all with the details I'll try and paint broad strokes. 1st guy - they talk about how special the other was for them in that period of their life. And that "the time for us to be together is not right now, but when our kids are grown and we are divorced then we be together". He replies " what we had was special it was true love, not lust...". Seems to me she is carrying a flame for this guy. The relationship was about 10 years ago

Guy 2 - She had a relationship with guy about years ago also. This email happened last year (4 years into our marriage). They talk about this long romantic weekend they shared together. They didn't talk about any details but for me the fact that she was talking about it PERIOD while we are married should be out of the question.

I confronted her about these and she doesn't see the problem. I told her she wouldn't talk about these things with her ex's if I was there so she shouldn't do them behind my back. She has asked the same of me when we first got married and I have respected her wishes and cut all ties to ex's. To me this is hyprocrisy defined. Double - standard if you will.

Honestly I am willing to fix whatever I have to, because for the most part she was right. But these e-mails make me extremely un-comfortable. I need to see her apologize to seme degree about those emails before I can move forward emotionally.


Any advice would be great. Even if it is telling me I'm a jerk, just tell me how to not be a jerk and I'll do it!! :D

Realizing your own faults is a good start. Have you guys tried couple's counseling? Sometimes it helps to have a neutral mediator and a neutral setting to talk things through. Actions also speak louder than words. This might show her that you really do know you need to make changes, and that you're not just saying it.

When a wife is emotional abandoned, as you have described your wife to be, she can find solace in rekindling/reliving old relationships.

Couples therapy would be a great first step. If you agree that you have emotionally abandoned her and have been for many years, you have issues on the forefront that will need to be attended to. It is somewhat unreasonable to expect an apology for these actions at this time, as you have betrayed each other.

If you are committed to working your relationship out, start couples therapy, if you are attending to her emotionally, you will probably receive the apology you are seeking and a drastic change of attitude about her old relationship. Put the ball in your court and take care of your relationship, if she doesn't return the investment, then you will know where the relationship is heading.

Good luck to you.

You admitted that you haven't been there for her, so she turned to someone else. Was it right? No, but your part in all this isn't either.

I think you both need to apologize to each other and the move on, get help, try to save your marriage.

The question is, does she want to save a marriage that has been nothing but painful to her for such a long time? Is she willing to give you another chance?

It takes two to make a marriage work and two to make it fail.

Good luck.

Honestly I have shown her the affection and love she needs and deserves on a sporadic basis. Not that it makes it any better at ALL!! But I haven't been a complete jerk. In hind sight I can see that it was my own selfishness that didn't let me treat her the way she deserves.

And yes I NOW finally understand I have some issues I need to deal with. Since the beginning of our marriage we have been dealing with hers in counseling, since she comes from an abusive (physcially, mentally) family not to mention the drugs and alcohol.

I quess I/we were too worried about getting her straight that I didn't feel the need to seek help myself. Yet another level of my selfishness.

But we did start seeing a marriage counseler last week and I plan on making it a regular occurrence. I quess the problem I have is that I am more than willing to admit and apoligize my mistakes and do whatever I have to do to not make them again. But in order for me to do that I need her to understand her error in these emails, in which she sees no fault.

I quess I'm caught in the "which came first, the chicken or the egg" situation. Should I "suck it up" for the time being and address these other issues first in the hopes that she may be more understanding later. Or be honest about how I feel and press this issue since it is tearing me apart?

What can I do, outside of marriage counseling, to try and save this marriage?

I don't know, I'm confused I quess. Hopefully I didn't confuse the hell out of you guys eithar.

But THANKS for the responses, at least I have some validation that I am (somewhat) on the right path.

Actions speak louder than words. Change the things you say you know you need to change. It will take time. There's no quick fix.
I would drop the issue of the emails for the time being. Someone worded it nicely earlier, you weren't there for her so she turned to someone else. That doesn't make it right, but at least you can understand why. If you make the changes you need to and she's still emailing later on, by all means, bring it up and don't let it go until you've worked it out. But for now, you've got to pick your battles.

First no you don't "NEED" anything from her except that she is willing to work on the future. Then you and her forget the past and move on.

If you want to "WN" by having her say she is sorry, you have already lost.
And just go get a divorce attorney.

If you want to save the marriage you ask nothing of her but you go and become the best husband you can be, doing everything you already admitted you have not been doing.

And you see about getting into marriage counseling to learn to communicate to each other better.

Then you stop ever reading her emails. And invading her space.

GAH!! Rofl

OK, well good advice is usually a tough pill to swallow. And I'd be a fool not to follow it. Especially since I already knew it but I was hoping there was another path that I haven't seen yet, and you guys/gals could enlighten me. :rolleyes:

But you guys/gals are right. I really appriciate the responses, hopefully this will help me save my marriage.