I have been having an affair for almost 8 years now. I know he loves me through his actions and the way he is with me when we are together. I don't expect him to leave his wife and never have I asked him, he knows this as I have told him. Just recently though I told him I loved him. This as caused many arguments between us as when I say to him I love him his answer is always 'thankyou' this upsets me so much because I know he loves me too but he will not say it back to me. He knows how I feel about this and how much it hurts me. When we get into conversations about this all he keeps saying is actions speak louder than words... I tell him I know this but I am a very verbal person and I feel I need to hear this from him...
What do I do ? We are both married, and have no intenstions of leaving our partners. I just feel so hurt as we are best of friends and I don't want to loose this but now am feeling I have over stept the line with him and now wondering whether our relationship should end as it is now becoming too complicated.
Please any advise would be grateful.

It should end. Why are you asking if your affair should end or not when both of you are married to another person? I think you know the answer to that.

Maybe because he doesn't say it back, because he doesn't love you. You don't know if he does or not and you can't tell by his actions, he could probably be just using you and acting all sweet or whatever just to get you in bed with him.

First of all, neither of you can technically love each other or your spouses, because, if you did, there would be something called loyalty involved.
But aside from this factor, if you were both single and just dating one another, the fact that he will not say "i love you" after so long is a definite warning sign. It means that his feelings are not that deep, and if you have been together that long and he doesn't feel that way, he's never going to.
It seems to me that you are stretching yourself a little thin and not being fair to yourself or anyone else in this twisted web.
You are in an affair with someone who obviously does not care about you as deeply as you want him to. Your husband, while he may love you deeply, does not have that love from you because you are not being faithful. Your affair partner is not being fair to himself or his wife either.
If you really want a deep and satisfying relationship, the only way you could do that would be to break it off with both partners and spend some time on your own discovering why things went this way.
What went wrong in your marriage to make you look for love outside of it? And then when the time is right for you, look for someone who can complete you, so you don't have to go looking outside of him for what you need.

What do you expect from a lying cheater? You have life, and BS all mixed up.

So if I understand this correctly.

1. You cheat on your husband.
2. He cheats on his wife.
3. You've been having sex for 8 years.
4. It suddenly dawned on you after 8 of him cheating on his wife and you cheating on your husband that you love him.
5. He won't tell you that he loves you.
6. You know he does.

If I understand all the above correctly I have to say, just keep trying a little harder because you two deserve each other.

What do I do ? We are both married, and have no intenstions of leaving our partners.

You already answer your own question. STOP CHEATING, leave each other alone and focus on your own marriage.

You guys have been cheating for so long that you think it's normal.

You already answer your own question. STOP CHEATING, leave each other alone and focus on your own marriage.

You guys have been cheating for so long that you think it's normal.

And what about this very strong friendship... what then happens to that.. I understand totally what you guys are saying... but I don't want to lose this person as a friend as he is my best friend. It's so all confusing. :(:confused:

First of all you both are married. Your both cheating. I don't care whether your "cheated on spouses" know about your affair or not. There is obviously NO LOVE going on here. You have no love for each other, because if you did, you would end your marriages and move on with your lives together. You obviuosly don't love your spouses because if that was the case, you wouldn't be cheating. Right? Oh I'm sure you feel that you love him but how can you really, when you both have spouses involved. Maybe he would have more free reighn of saying I love you, if he wasn't with his wife.

Either stop cheating and move on with your life with your spouse, Or end your marriages to be together. If he is unwilling to end his.. then you have a decision to make. Affairs weren't meant to be "easy".. if you embark on one then prepared not to get everything you want. Just doesn't happen that way.

And what about this very strong friendship ... what then happens to that .. i understand totaly what you guys are saying... but i don't want to lose this person as a friend as he is my best friend. It's so all confusing. :(:confused:

You sound extremely confused. You're mixing up friendship and a person that you cheat with.

You can be friends if you stop having feelings for him. We're telling you to stop cheating. You don't need to have an affair with your best friend to keep them as your best friend.

And what about this very strong friendship ... what then happens to that .. i understand totaly what you guys are saying... but i don't want to lose this person as a friend as he is my best friend. It's so all confusing. :(:confused:

You are the one confused. This is not confusing. This is a serious question. Do you feel you have to have sex with someone for them to like you? Everything you write so far suggests you have no confidence in yourself that people can just like you for you.

You are the one confused. This is not confusing. This is a serious question. Do you feel you have to have sex with someone for them to like you? Everything you write so far suggests you have no confidence in yourself that people can just like you for you.

:( I agree I don't have much confidence...

:( I agree i don't have much confidence......

Well that's a start. You've at least recognized you have a problem. So instead of begging him for 3 words he doesn't mean and giving him a piece of yourself to beg for his attention why not spend that time learing to love yourself?

:( I agree i don't have much confidence......

Bubbs22, Your confidence isn't going to get much better if you continue on this way. Your with a man who cannot entirely give 100% of himself to you. You are basically "sharing" this man with another woman. AND he doesn't have the decency to make a decision. As a lover or a friend, this man is doing you a diservice. Have you thought that maybe he does all these things for you because he wants to keep you around for sex? Because that's what it seems like to all of us. You deserve better than this and so does your spouse. If you feel that there is no hope for you and your spouse than make the grown up decision to get out of it and find someone who will love you and be with you 100%. Because this situation is very toxic for everyone involved. Good luck

I agree totally with all your contributions and now feel I must sort all this out once and for all... due to my lack of confidence I haven't a clue where I amgoing to start though... why can't life just be easy...

why can't life just be easy...

I ask myself that all the time, haven't figured that part out.

I think you need to ask yourself why are you cheating on your husband? Is he a lousy partner, or what?

:( Yes I wish life was easy too! Where do I start? I'm scared I'm going to lose this person as a friend.. you have all clearly said how he is using me for one thing only.. So tell me how do I go about starting the ball rolling. As much as I love him I know I have to do this for myself and my husband, who I do adore and he also adores me... Why I have cheated for the past 8 years.. I don't know!! My hubby works away through the week driving (not trying to justify what I have done) I suppose I liked the attention and from there it just snowballed. I have been very stupid in letting this person manipulate me.

Start by ending this affair, and finding ways to get attention that are positive, and within the boundaries of good behavior.

Volunteering
Hobbies
Girlfriends
Social Clubs
Healthy activities
Classes
Church groups, in other words a life that you enjoy.

Forget being his friend, or keeping him in your life. Make some healthy friends.

That's a start. Complete No Contact with him in any way!! No excuses.

Your question caught my eye because I often tell my wife I love her & she will just say well show it in your actions, anyway I would not judge you in a perfect life no one would ever cheat or lie but its not that easy is it, my advice is this has run its course & it is time to let go try your best to build on your committed relationship.
Oh good luck !

I agree totally with all your contributions and now feel i must sort all this out once and for all... due to my lack of confidence i havn't a clue where i amgoing to start though.....

Start by asking what you are getting from cheating. Start by asking yourself what behaviors and actions you can take that will lead to building some confidence. What behaviors and actions will take it away. Ask yourself why you have to seek the approval of others for you to like you. If there is something you don't like about yourself either correct it or forgive it.


why can't life just be easy....

That is a self sabotage question. If you ask yourself why can't life just be easy, your brain will give you answers and you will behave in such a way to verify this. If you asked yourself, "Why is life so great" or "Why am I so lucky?" your brain will start giving you answers. If you do this long enough you sub-consious will start behaving in such a way to allow these answers to become true.

:( Yes I wish life was easy too! where do i start? I'm scared i'm going to lose this person as a friend.. you have all clearly said how he is using me for one thing only .. So tell me how do I go about starting the ball rolling. As much as I love him I know I have to do this for myself and my husband, who I do adore and he also adores me... Why i have cheated for the past 8 years ..I don't know !!! My hubby works away through the week driving (not trying to justify what i have done) i suppose i liked the attention and from there it just snowballed. I have been very stupid in letting this person manipulate me.

Who cares if you lose your friendship with person, you're husband should be more important. Have you forgotten your vows you took when you married him? I seriously think you should leave this guy alone and leave him in the past and work on what's more important, your marriage.

Start by doing that, and by being honest with your husband and tell him what you did. If you don't and he finds out himself it ll be even worse. Try to go see him if you can and spend some quality time to rebuild the marriage.

Is your husband aware of your cheating ways?

I would be more concern with my spouse loving me more then some guy your having an affair with. Some how I think your confusing the attention your getting from this for love.

Btw, remember karma has a way of catching up to you and kicking you in the butt.

I have just come off the phone with said person and we are meeting this evening to talk things through... This is it guys, you have all made me think wisely as I have had nobody to discuss with this it has been exactly what has been needed. Advice, criticism, you lot telling me what I should do and shouldn't... I should have done this years ago.. Just hope he doesn't swet talk his way around me as he usually does. All I need to do now is get my act in order as to what to say when and how...
Wish me luck
I know this is going to have me in tears as he means a lot to me.. but as you all have made me aware of my marriage is more important if I want to save it...
Oh my days... I am so scared... xx

There's an old saying about when you let someone go you meet someone new. The someone new if your situation just might be yourself. You might finally get to know the real you, not the person who is the other woman.

I agree totally with all your contributions and now feel i must sort all this out once and for all... due to my lack of confidence i havn't a clue where i amgoing to start though..... why can't life just be easy....

Life wasn't meant to be easy, sweete. If it was who would learn from anything and how would you get stronger as a person? As much as it sucks sometimes, you do grow stronger as a person. The old saying is true. "If it doesnt kill you it will only make you stronger." With life comes with some tough decisions that you HAVE to make. If not your only going to find yourself miserable. That's no way to live

I agree with you totally Biz . Thanks for your support... just hope things all go to plan.. I know I have behaved badly and you guys have made me see this.. Deep down I do love him to bits but at the end of the day I need to think am I really happy with the way things are.. is going to carry on like this for another 8 years... and by then things will be even more complicated... if he really did care for me and love me he will prove that this evening... so lets see...

I don't understand the reasons for meeting this guy your having an affair with especially if you know you might fall for his sweet lines. You don't owe him any explainations.

You can simply call and tell him your going focus on your marriage now and will not continue with the affair your having with him then hang up. I hope he doesn't blackmail you.

Then your going have to decide if your going tell your husband or not and work on rebuilding your marriage.

.... if he really did care for me and love me he will prove that this evening... so lets see ....

What?

Originally Posted by Bubbs22 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-cant-he-tell-me-he-loves-me-when-he-shows-his-actions-362024-3.html#post1782375)
.... if he really did care for me and love me he will prove that this evening... so lets see ....


Prove it how, and why the freak would you care how he feels... nevermind, keep running head first into the brick wall, let me know how that works for you.

Right OK I understand... I shall ring him and cancel... tell him over the phone... your all right just me being my normal self, though it would be best to speak to him face to face... I'm too much of a sentimentalist...

Once again I put him first not wanting to hurt his feelings but I am seeing exactly what you mean why do I feel I would hurt him...

I'm too much of a sentimentalist ...

How about that guy whose ring you are wearing. How come you don't get sentimental with him? Someone takes an oath to be with you for life and then has the nerve to take a job to support you that requires him to be away for 5 days a week and you can't get sentimental about that. That's complete BS. You have a husband that chose you and provided for you and sit here and try and defend cheating on your part, on this other guys part, a complete sham of a relationship, what love is and what you say you are going to do.

What is causing all this? Why is the man who gave you a lifetime commitment not worthy of you freaking sentiment? Why is the guy who took a job away from you to provide for you not worth your sentiment? Your husband deserves better then this and the only people who seem to recognize that sentiment are the ones on the board and not the one bragging about how sentimental she supposedly is.

:(
Heck!!

Do you not think I don't realise all that... why do you think I am going through all this upset to try and sort out myself for my husbands benefit...
You must imagine me as a really heartless person... I'm not why do you think I am ending all this...
The things you say make me want to just go into a corner and die... so everything goes away

Sorry, I'm not going to fall for it. Maybe those sypathy lines work on the two guys in your life but not on me. Go play the "whoa as me" card somewhere else. You get burned in a fire you can play that card. You lose both legs you can play that card. You are born with a incurable disease you can play that card. You cheated on your husband for 8 years and then wanted another cheater to tell you he loved you. Then you said you take some positive steps in you life and end it.

But then you wrote this...


if he really did care for me and love me he will prove that this evening... so lets see ....

So really you were not going to end it for you. You were going to end it as an ultimatium for him. Your husband had nothing to do with this.

Then when you got questioned on that you said...


right ok I understand..... I shall ring him and cancel ..... tell him over the phone .... your all right just me being my normal self, though it would be best to speak to him face to face ... I'm too much of a sentimentalist ...

So spare me the "you must think I'm heartless" speech. I'm not the one whoring around on my husband and I sure am not going to be made guilty because I dare call you on you ridicules, cruel, and well yeah.. heartless behavior.

You came her looking for answers and we deal in reality. If you want to play your stupid middle school games that everybody sees through you keep doing what your doing. You want results you damn well better start looking the mirror, and quit blaming everyone else for everything that is not going right in your life.

I not falling for what your saying either. Some how you don't want to end it and you want to continue with the affair. If so, then leave your husband because you done cheating on him for 8 years and that is shameful.

No more lies! Now if you want to start being faithful like a wife should then break it off over the phone or stop calling him and/or stop taking his calls. Sooner or later he will get the picture unless he isn't that bright but you don't owe him any explanations.

Its funny how vows don't mean shyt to people these days...

Its funny how vows dont mean shyt to people these days....

They do to Bubb's husband.

Do you not think i don't realise all that.... why do you think i am going through all this upset to try and sort out myself for my husbands benifit ....
you must imagin me as a realy heartless person... I'm not why do you think i am ending all this ....
The things you say make me want to just go into a corner and die.... so everything goes away

You can't be all that surprised by our reaction, Bubbs. You did make it sound like you were ending it with him, then said and I'm paraphrasing here- see if he proves that he loves me, tonight. So its true that if he were to say that he was in love with you, you would stay? Saying it doesn't mean anything.. actions show it. IF you two were "desitned" to be together and you both honestly loved each other, than you would have ended your marriages years ago, and would not have carried this of for 8 long years.

That's why not many here are sympathetic to you. In this quote you make it sound like you're a victim. But no one put a gun to your head and made you cheat on your husband. A mistake is a mistake, but you carried this on for 8 years. That means there was plenty of time for guilt, regrett.. and obviously you chose to ignore it.

Bottom line... END IT! Don't put any expectations on him to tell you something that you want to hear. Because that's what he's going to do to keep you around. You are his go-to girl for sex. He doesn't love you... I repeat, doesn't! All these things he's done for you is to keep you around.. THATS IT! Don't fall into that trap. As soon as you accept that truth you will be able to end it. Get on with your life. You know your not being fair to your husband. And he doesn't deserve this and "he" defenitly deserves to be happy.

Well all I can say is I didn't fall into the trap I have told him I will not be seeing him no more and asked him not to contact me... of course I was asked all the normal questions to which I answered...
He left the conversation saying he was quite upset as to me saying I basically am only a f buddy and nothing more... I basically said that its over as you have no other reason for wanting me in his life...
Woke up to 5 e-mails this morning and text messages, wanting me to meet him, to talk, I have ignored them... which I will say is very difficult... but have done it. No matter what you all think of me I do have a heart and at the moment it is hurting as I now have just thrown away my best friend ever...

Well sometimes you have to do that.

You were having an affair with this best friend for the last 8 years. If you seriously think for 1 minute the two of you can erase the 8 years and be just friends then your sadly mistaken.

He is out your life for now and keep his out. The only guy you should be focus is your husband. I think it is unfair that he doesn't know what you been up to for the last 8 years.

No matter what you all think of me I do have a heart and at the moment it is hurting as i now have just thrown away my best friend ever...

Just out of curiosity, why do you consider this man your best friend, why not your husband? Im engaged right now and as far as men go, my fiancé is my best friend. I guess I'm just trying to understand why this man was so much better than your husband. You really haven't touched on that part. You really haven't said why you carried on this 8 year affair or what caused you to. Are you guys having problems? If you seek advice because your marriage isn't going well, then talk about it.

Let's start from the end first.


No matter what you all think of me I do have a heart and at the moment it is hurting

Nobody said you didn't have a heart. We (and really by we I think we mean me) said you had heartless behavior. Also, you brought that up, not us. So again, I will say save the blame game for someone else. It doesn't fly here.


Well all i can say is i didn't fall into the trap

So you have strength. Start recognizing it.


i have told him i will not be seeing him no more and asked him not to contact me... of course i was asked all the normal questions to which i answered...

This was all you owed him... if you owed him that.



Now, I'm taking creative license with your words as I'm switching them around for my grand point.


as i now have just thrown away my best friend ever...

Really. This was your best friend? Every poster here is a better friend to you then he was. We are not lying to you, manipulating you, or being a partner in your emotional torture against the innocent.


He left the conversation saying he was quite upset as to me saying i basically am only a f buddy and nothing more...

So your best friend says your nothing more then a f buddy? That's all he thinks of you? He tells you, hey, your nothing more then a f buddy and you think that means he's your best friend? This is how you define a friend, much less he's the best one?

Again, don't you have a guy that works he his butt off for you? How is it that you don't like that guy as your best friend? Why can't you just get a best friend that likes movies or corquet and have sex with your husband?


I basically said that its over as you have no other reason for wanting me in his life...

Stood your ground. Because you are strong. Focus on it and give yourself credit.


Woke up to 5 e-mails this morning and text messages, wanting me to meet him, to talk, I have ignored them... which i will say is very difficult... but have done it.

Difficult yes. Impossible no.

Doesn't it speak volumes about your "best friend" that you tell him to stay away from you and his first response is to attack you, then his second response is to beg?

But all in all there was a lot of strength in your character in what you did so focus on what you have done right and the strength you have shown to yourself.

Hey Bubbs, you simply could be the woman that my husband is so happily seeking right about now. Talking from the wife's perpective you should really be ashamed of yourself for what your doing. I'm sure you are a good person people don't ask for these things to happen they sometimes do but but at the end of the day you can make a choice in the matter. What you put into a relationship is exactly what you will get out of if. You could have what you have with your cheating partner with your husband if you would simply open yourself and allow it to happen.