I've been having a very difficult time figuring out how to deal with my fiance's past experiences with other men. We're both in our early 30's, and have an almost rock-solid relationship execpt for this issue. My story is simple- I've had pst girlfriends and was married for 4 years. The only woman other than my current fiancé that I've been with is my ex wife. I was taught to save sex and share it only with those whom you love, so I waited. My fiancé has also been married, and I have no issue at all with her past with him. He was her husband and I have no issues with it. My problem arises from all the other men, especially those between her former marriage and me (several years). Even though I tried to not learn about her past when I met her, the number I had heard her say was 7 guys. It was an issue for me, but I tried to get on with life and move past it. I learned several months ago that there were more than that. She described it as simply that she could "count the number on her fingers and toes." To me, that says upwards of 20, but I'm not sure to be honest. She has been with a couple rather abusive and controlling men and I know now that the numnber of men she's been with is related to that. We talked about it at length a few times, but she ended the last conversation about it by saying that she won't talk about it anymore. I am left feeling as if I'm to deal with this all by myself, and it's affecting my daily life. I've lost sleep and my appetite and it's difficult to hear her even speak about when she was younger as she travelled a lot for work and to even think about the states she lived in makes me feel ill. I feel that because she gave it to guys who didn't deserve it, what I have from her is somehow lessened or cheaped because of it. I need some advice here-- I know this may sound ridiculous to some, but this is a very real and painful thing to live. Has anyone else felt this way? Any suggestions? I've tried everything I can think of and know I need to find a way to solve this. Thank you so much.

This does sound strange. The problem is yours and if you can't get past it, you should let her go. No one deserves to be judged on something they did in the past and can't un-do now. All you can do is forget about it... STOP TALKING ABOUT IT... and decide to go on without another thought about it.


You have 3 choices in any given situation: accept it, change it or leave.


You can't change it because it happened in the past but you CAN change you thinking about it. It's craziness to be thinking about HER past all the time.

So you can accept it or leave.

If you are so concerned with how many men a woman has been with perhaps you should ask about this early on and if it's a dealbreaker, then leave. But if you know and continue on, then you need to accept it or let her go once you know you can't.

Is this really the problem or is it something else?

Want a good suggestion on how to deal with this?

Go pay a good counselor.

Seriously.

What she brings to you is HER---with all of her life before her shaping who she is now. If you love her, you love the life before you. Period. If you can't get past that, then the issue is YOURS, not hers.

She's right, by the way, in saying that she will not talk about it anymore. You don't NEED details. She certainly doesn't have to justify her past to you.

What you need to realize is that you love (hopefully!) who she is NOW. You don't have to love who she was in the past, or even LIKE who she was in the past--but you DO need to accept that she HAS a past, and be content that she is not making the same decisions now that she was then.

Seriously, if this IS a problem for you, and you Can, go to a good therapist.
If you can't move past it, then you have to move on.
I was raised that sex was for marriage. But some people find that sex is more for pleasure. My husband and I are very similiar sex wise, but he has MUCH more experience than I do. I can count on one hand how many men I have been with, and he can't.
It's simple for me. They were all BEFORE me. There won't be any AFTER me.
Think about it.

Bronzebabe-- Thank you for the reply and I agree totally with what you're saying. It sounds like we have very similar situations and I'm curious if it was a very cut and dry situation or if you had any hangups about it. In other words, did it bother you at all that he had many more partners than you did? If so, was there anything specific that helped you reach the mindset you have now about the situation? This is a strange thing for me as for the most part, I'm a "typical guy." I fart, belch and watch TV. In other aspects, I'm very much NOT a typical guy in that I recognize feelings and how important it is to convey what's going on in my head. I need to talk things out and get ideas and such- that's why I'm here. I know this is an issue for me to deal with and I'm trying to get a game plan. Thanks for the comments.

A good friend of mine , who has been married for 12 years , and has two beautiful girls , one night after having sex, and three bottles of wine, got into a conversation with his wife about how many partners each of them had had ( before marriage obviously), (a VERY stupid thing to do). Neither one wanting to go first, they wrote the numbers down and swapped them. He thought HIS number was high (40 something). Her number was " around 212". He KNEW she was somewhat wild before they met, but WHAT... He told me the fact that she kept an accurate tally bothered him too. Now he doesn't look at her the same way, after all these years together. I think that conversation very well may have ruined their marriage. I say don't ask , don't tell . But now that you know, what are you going to do ? You love this woman and can't change the past. I say 20 something is low, but if you can't get over it don't waste either of your's time. I say be there , get over it , and be glad you're not number 213.

She has been with a couple rather abusive and controlling men

21... Blackjack!

Seriously, either take the whole package or put it back on the shelf. People don't come mix'n'match.

When my wife condescended to take me into her life, I was NO prize, but she saw the good husband, loyal friend, and Dad (contrasted to sperm donor) under all the drugs, partying, and debauchery. I am still grateful for that, 24 years later

Actually, flipper, it did not bother me. I was in my mid-30's when I got with my husband. He was very honest about what all he had done, as was I.
The number means very little, if you think about it. It just means that they know what they like or they don't like. I just didn't Need to have as many partners to know what I like. ha!

The number DOES mean something.

And that is why you are fixated on it.

So, what does it mean?
1. She had a lot of casual sex
2. She didn't care for many of them
3. She did not have good judgement - as some were abusive
4. She doesn't like being alone
5. She is not the same as you in how you view sex.

Still, every relationship has it's challenges and this may be yours.
I think you may be a mix of jealous, confused and feeling a loss of control. All I can say is this. (I have been there, I dated one gorgeous girl who hooked up with her own babysitter! That messed with me for a while... ) If she is 100% loyal to you and you love her and there is NO other MAJOR issues that you are witholding here (is there?) then I think a little therapy for you would be a good idea.

Yes, she made some choices that shine on her character and it bothers you... But if she is the one I think you can both grow and move on. If there is something that makes you feel like you are not a good match beyond this - time to talk to her. Women don't like their pasts questioned, so be clear and be quick... And read above.

A

I think your feeling really insecure and I honestly don't think you should be... she is with you and has already made her commitment to you. 7 guys really isn't that bad over a span of 30 years. I know people who have slept with people on one night stands and the number is much higher then that. Maybe because of her divorce and being in abusive relationships she has a hard time not being with a man for emotional reasons - maybe her relationship with her father was never strong... this can get deep when trying to understand why. Since there is so many emotional voids after a divorce (pending on each individual matter) she may feel unwanted, unattractive and needs the feeling of being wanted, attractive and needed. Chances are she knows who she was with and that they where safe. Just because of this it does not make her a horrible person and you should be supportive and understanding when she does bring it up, but you don't need to know the details and you should not be placing judgment - you're the only person she can trust that is why she is your partner or going to be a life partner.

I believe the lack of control and the stereotype you have carried about sex & marriage needs to change; as the world has changed. Believe me I am the same as you - but it is her past NOT her present. You can empower yourself by knowing or being aware about how you feel and try to change the thinking of what is going on - keep it positive and remember. It is a lot of personal assessment but if you don't get a grip on how you feel and think now then you may be missing out on some really special moments with her and every action or non action has a consequence whether we want to believe that or not. You are now making yourself mentally sick. Unfortunately, this emotional and mental process of thinking can reflect on you physically making you sick (as you are). You honestly need to get past it, possibly get help, discuss your concerns with her and expand your perspective by expanding your mind. Rather than focusing on things and time, focus on preserving and enhancing your relationship with her and on accomplishing results that work and are beneficial by way of effectiveness not efficiency. Empower yourself and control your thoughts and know the difference between what you can and what you cannot control or change... what is done is done now the only thing you can do is change your perspective.

Recognizing is the first step to acceptance, change of approach, change of thinking is the second step to acceptance and once you have accepted you will notice how much you have changed for the better (for her and for you). Once acceptance and change is evident then you are able to let go. Take time to assess your personal growth. I really do wish you inner peace; I know what it is like battling your own thoughts and emotions; being hurt; being dismissed; just remember not to give validity to the unserving emotions as they will not assist you in growth. Apply yourself to the process of positive results... know what you want and then decide how your going to get there.

God bless,

Xox