Hello,

I've never done this before so bare with me lol. I am 24 years old and have been married for 2 years, yes young I know oh well :). I have no sex life, I pretty much have to force myself to have sex with my husband at least once a week. That is so terrible isn't it! The thing is, he is horrible at it, in all aspects. On a good day it lasts maybe 2 minutes, he is sloppy, to harsh with it sometimes or so slow moving that I can't even tell he is doing anything. I feel so bad admitting this, gosh I feel horrible, but I don't know what to do. I have no sex drive anymore, I know Im okay because I am checked out and I can pleasure myself just fine. I have even talked with him about this, telling him where to touch or how to move, we've even had this discussion about this particular problem. It does upset him and makes him feel like a failure, but it hasn't helped, he is responsive about the topic, and wants to figure it out, but yet he doesn't do anything. Is it possible for a person to never be able to be good at sex? Or a woman to never achieve an orgasm from penetration? This is really starting to affect my marriage and I adore and love my husband more than anything. We were good friends before we started dating, then dated for over a year before we got engaged and now were married, and never have I gotten off and never has it been good or lasted for more then 2 minutes. This problem is causing me to not want to even try, because its not worth my time. I am desperate for help.

Allie56

First, yes it IS common for women to NEVER orgasm from intercourse. That doesn't let him off the hook, though. He should at least be TRYING to learn to pleasure you in other ways.

If there is no change even after discussion, I would recommend you BOTH see a therapist specializing in sexuality.

I agree with them. If you have talked about it, and it really hasn't done any good, tell him it's time for professional help. A therapist can help You talk to Him about what you need. And, they can do it in a way where he isn't feeling so insulted.
I hope it will help you, and you can find a great sex life with him.

Agreed. You need to see a licensed sex therapist in your area. You can check the AASECT website for listings: http://www.aasect.org American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists

I think that trying to talk things like this through on your own often doesn't work - because often you go back to what feels comfortable - even if it's uncomfortable.

The advice to see a counsellor that has experience working with couples is excellent - because you can work through your issues with an objective mediator, and begin getting out of your sexual comfort zones.

If you are both committed to doing this personal work, it could be a great way to strengthen your relationship!

I write a lot... so bare with me. But, after reading this, I hope that you'll have all the help you need to reach what you so desperately deserve.

I'm actually a 24 year old male and I can tell you that I use to be TERRIBLE in bed. I mean it. Flat out horrible, much like your husband by the sounds of it (no offense intended, just trying to show comparison). I would last 2 - 4 minutes... at best... sometimes less! And making a girl finish through penetration? No chance. BUT. That's actually completely changed now, my/my fiancee's average lovemaking sessions is usually 2+ hours now, so have hope! There are some things that you/he should know and try.

If you want, print this off, and make him read it, it's a great how-to primer :-).

First off, the best answer is a sex therapist like other people have posted. But going to one isn't always possible, whether in be financial, personal, or even geographical limitations. Even then some people have a very hard time opening up to strangers. If you think it's right for you then I encourage you to try it! Otherwise, here are a few tips.

All right, so the tips.
If your saying he lasts 2 minutes and you want to finish through penetration then obviously he's not focusing on foreplay. Did you know that not all women can finish through penetration? And even out of those who can, many will need oral stimulation to reach climax?

Step-to-step:
Set the mood/atmosphere. Sounds corny, but you know what, the more relaxed you are the easier it is for you to climax, and seeing your hubby's dirty drawers on the ground isn't helping anyone. So make sure your place is clean, light some candles, maybe a light scented candle and dim those lights to get the mood started. Also, make sure you have no pressing matters to take care of (ie, Iron is on... cooking on the stove... toonnnnsss of stuff to do that night, the less on your mind to worry about, the better!)

Next, make sure your comfortable! WARM FEET! Sounds stupid but this is very important. This isn't a old-wives tale or myth, if your feet are cold you decrease circulation to your lower extremities. Legs, Thighs, Vagina. All get less blood, which means your cliterous and g-spot get less blood, which means it's harder for you to get aroused/orgasm.

Next, HYGIENE. Make sure your both clean/smell nice. Nothing worse then bad-breathe in the middle of making love... but this was more of a side point.

Start SLOW! Give him a sensual message to get him turned on. Lynseed oil is a GREAT message oil + it's VERY cheap. You can buy the real message oils too from cosmetic shops and soap shops (ie, The Body Shop). This little incentive of a message will have him ready to go, but, instead, you ask for your message in turn. Not only does this help you relax, this teases the hell out of him since he has to message your naked body and can't do a thing sexually about it. Make him start slowly with your neck/back, then legs, flip over, and let him message your front BUT he CAN'T touch your private areas!

Did you know that on a women's breast the nipple is the most sensitive part BUT not the most sexually receptive part? It's true! It's on the larger area of the breast surrounding the nipple, have him gently caress both of your breasts with his hands, in a circular motion, careful not to touch your nipples! This actually overloads your sensitive nerves in your breasts and is counter-intuititve!

All right, this part is key, tell him that tonight YOU ARE IN CONTROL! And he HAS TO DO whatever you say! :-|. Also, if he's wearing a condom chances are he'll finish faster... much faster, it's harder for the guy to tell when he's going to climax, so it will creep up really fast and then it's over. I'm not advocating unsafe sex, but, since you 2 are married and only have relations with each other the risk is minimal, just be sure to be on the pill if you don't want kids ;-), and as an added precaution make sure he finishes outside of you. Back to the primer!

Next, instruct him to kiss you on your neck and collar bone, he can wonder to your ear if he wants, but nothing too major. Just VERY SLOW light kisses, tell him to take his time. Your in no hurry. To make sure he doesn't get bored, you can play with him a little down there, nothing major, very slow and gentle, to make sure he stays aroused/interested but so slow that he's not going to build up to anything.

Next, he should move to sensual touching/kissing, inner thighs, upper legs, pelvic area. This is to excite you, get that blood flowing and feel his warm soft kiss on you where it does some real good! Tell him to go SLOWLY! SLOW IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING HERE!

After a few minutes of gentle kissing/licking and exploring, it's time for the main show.
There are a few things you can do here (in no particular order)
Here is a trick I discovered recently that drove my fiancée crazy. He'll take the hand he writes with (the strong hand in other words), and insert his thumb inside the vagina, have him make the stop sign with his hand as he does it. The palm of his hand is going to go flat against the outside of your vagina, have him rotate his hand in a circular motion there, softly of course, but firm enough to spread your lips. Make sure it's a fairly wide circle, all the while keeping the thumb inside of you. What will happen is your having a firm surface rub your cliterous irregularly in a soft/slow motion, even if he tries to go fast, well, he can't! The wrist is too slow to go too fast!! :-D. Plus, the thumb inside of you is going to be lifting and hitting your g-spot over and over again! Have him continue this for a while. Keep experimenting with different speeds/direction/area till you get it where you like it!
Another thing, ORAL! The god-send of any man who can't last in bed! Have him lick and suck you do there. Specifically your cliterous. HERE is the MOST IMPORTANT PART! COMMUNICATION! If you don't tell him what you like, then your not going to get what you want! WHILE HE'S GIVING YOU ORAL, GIVE HIM GENTLE INSTRUCTIONS. Guaranteed he'll love it! Hearing a girl moan/ask for something in the act will be a huge turn on to him :-), plus, you get what you want/need. If your shy about talking during the act, then you can't expect improvement! SO TALK TO HIM!
Now, for my favorite part, giving oral. There are a lot of instructions online for this sort of thing. It can be a lot to take in but worth the read ultimately. If he's going down on you, here are some things he needs to know.
1. WHERE IS THE CLITEROUS? It's a pearl shapped object located on the outside of the vagina covered in a hood of skin, protected between the lips of the vagina. This is his target!
2. You'll read a lot of places that to drive a girl crazy he'll need to pull the skin back on the cliterous to expose you to REAL stimulation. THIS is simply idiocy propogated by guys who don't know what they are doing! The cliterous over-stimulates so easily it's a heartbreaker! Leave the skin over-top for the most part! Licking is strong enough that you'll feel it through the clitoral hood.
3. Fast = CRAP. You'll over-stimulate the cliterous and GAME OVER!
4. Different motions/patterns with the tongue. I personally find making a figure 8 patten with my tongue sideways (so the infinite symbol) is the most effective. But that's just me, some people move their tongues side-to-side, others in a circle around the cliterous, some move their heads back and forth with a stationary tongue! I try to mix it up and do all of those + whatever else I can think of.
5. Focus Focus Focus. Don't let him blindy lick you anywhere. It has to be on/around the . The rest of the outside of the vagina is just sensitive skin. It will get you no where fast.
If he starts to wonder off, push back in the right direction.
6. Next, WHERE IS THE G-SPOT? Inside the vagina, INTERIOR wall (so inside of the exterior wall). About 1 - 1.5 inches in. It feels rough/spongy a little. So it's easy to spot. Tell him to put 2 fingers in, with his palm face up when your laying on your back. He'll be able to feel it pretty quickly.

This is a great finisher for the above section, this part, unlike the paragraph above, is in order since this is a deal closer :-p.
If he can (this takes practice) have him lay down, have fingers in you rubbing your g-spot while giving you oral on your cliterous! The longer he can do this the better! If he gets good enough then you won't last long enough to reach penetration before you climax! My fiancée often finishes at this point.

Here is your next hint, you know how long it took you to read all of this? If you were able to perform all of the above things in the time it took you to read this then you've gone WAY too fast! The above, minimum, takes 30 minutes. The longer the better. I would honestly aim for an hour at least for all that stuff! I usually hit about 1 1/2 - 2 hours with it.

Now, for what you wanted, the KEY to the castle = DO NOT USE THE MISSIONARY POSITION!! This puts pressure on the penis in a way that it SPEEDS UP ejaculation :-o!! You on top is the best position. He'll lay flat on his back, you'll get on top on your knees. Rock back and forth gently AND SLOWLY, this is a sureeeeee fire way to reach orgasm! Now remember GO SLOW, I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, SPEED WILL MAKE HIM CLIMAX! Only when it gets REALLY intense for you or it's not quite cutting it pleasure wise do you dare speed up, remember this will take time, expect to be up there for a while! BUT, If he does start to build up to a finish let him know to WARN YOU. Lift so he pulls out! Have him rub your cliterous for 3 - 5 seconds, then go back down. Most of the blood in his penis required for climax is gone, 5 seconds is MUCH BETTER then 3 by the way. SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE! Just continue on this path.
A side-note. Make him work-out. Specifically his ab muscles. A strong lower abdominal muscle lines up perfectly with your cliterous. It's a firm, warm surface, and when you are rocking back and forth... this will make it MUCH better for you and you'll finish a LOT faster. I use to have nice abs down there ^_^. Been meaning to get them back myself, but even a spongy mid-section on him will still feel nice to you.

Finally, there are products on the market to help
1. Climax control Gel for men (can be picked up at a local sex shop or online. The Stag Shop is a good example of a store that can help). I'm not gauranteeing the effectiveness of it on him, but I know people who use it and say it does help a little.
2. Toys. I know, this makes a lot of people cringe, but, a vibrator/dildo in his hands could exite you to no end, and it's a guaranteed finish. It may not be the perfect answer, but as a last resort it's not terrible. PLUS, to make it stay intimate even with a toy you can get him to give you oral while penetrating you with the vibrator or have him fondle your chest lovingly.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I hope this helps! And remember, this takes time, patience and practice. You should focus his attention on oral, it's the easiest way for you to climax both cliteroally and to get you ready to finish through g-spot/penetration.

P.M. me and let me know how it goes/if this worked for you :-).