What do I do about my boyfriend?
Every time I talk to my boyfriend he always gets mad and I don't no what to do I l;ove him so much but he just gets mad over the stupid things and he's contolling

Then why is he worth staying with? Beside the fact you love him.

Your boyfriend will not change without something drastic happening in his life. You need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life and if not, get rid of him (he's defective) and get one that is caring and nurturing.

Time to dump him. I may be way off here, but I have this feeling that you don't really love him. My guess is that you're used to him. You're used to having him around and it seems better to have someone around, no matter how much of a jerk, than to be alone. Again, I may be way off here. But really, why should you keep some guy around that is controlling and always angry with you? What are you really getting out of it? Some version of companionship maybe?

Sounds like you are both pretty young. Adolescent boys and insecure men often use anger as a defensive shield, a way to keep others from getting too close and to enjoy a sense of control. The control only works if you are afraid when he gets mad.

Two options can be useful:

Let him know that he is safe with you. (Don't say this directly; his manhood will not like it.) One way to do this is by understanding him as he is and letting him be what he is. Don't counter-attack when he yells. Just don't let it scare you. He's making noise to cover his insecurity. Take deep breaths, relax your body, and stay present (Don't go off into past or future projections. Just pay attention to the moment) and be the way you want to be; be true to yourself.
Set boundaries and insist on them. Angry men can be bullies. Bullies will run over you unless you stop them. If you calmly, assertively set a boundary that he can't cross (refusing a way of speaking to you, for example) he will not like it, but he will respect it.


If he is insulting or abusive when he gets mad, this means telling him straight up, "You can't talk to me that way. Please don't.") If you do this without anger of your own, coming from a place of self-respect, and being absolutely determined to stand your ground, he will respect you as well as the boundary you are putting in place.

Setting boundaries also means that if he breaches a boundary, you take action. If you can find the courage to not see him for a few days or longer, to let him know in clear terms what he has done (He can't read your mind, so pouting doesn't work. You have to tell him.) or to further distance yourself until he changes his behavior, chances are, he will. It's a risk, as he might break up with you, but the risk to you that comes with staying in an abusive relationship because you are intimidated is far greater. That is where battered girlfriends and wives come from.

Expect him to kick and scream. You are telling him "NO." Bullies complain loudly when their technique fails to work. But if you set up those two conditions—that he is safe with you; you are not a threat. And he must respect your boundaries—you have a chance of growing a fine relationship.

You will also learn how to have better relationships with anyone for the rest of your life.

If all his makes sense to you and you want to prepare yourself for better boundary-setting, read a little from boundaries in relationships - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?q=boundaries+in+relationships) ", take a Google at Model Mugging. It's a powerful self-defense training that teaches women how to set absolute boundaries. Take one of their courses, and you will be emotionally prepared to deal with your BF. You;ll also be able to knock him out.

Tao

He sounds abusive. You can enable him and try to "understand" him as Tao says but this is an invitation to more abuse both physical and mental. Justcurious55 says dump him, and this my friend is the safest course of action for you. Don't get into this type of relationship, don't enable this type of relationship, don't settle for this type of relationship as it leads to a long life abuse at the hands of abusive men with you constantly trying to "understand" them and setting boundaries in your relationships that will never be respected by the opposite member.

When a party in a relationship is controlling the relationship will never work.

It sounds like he have some issues that was there before he met you and you can't sort nor solve them for him. He has to own up to them and work on changing them.

So you have two red flags-lack of communications and a controlling boyfriend. Then he have temper tantrums when things doesn't goes his way.

I have one way for you--LEAVE!

He sounds abusive. You can enable him and try to "understand" him as Tao says but this is an invitation to more abuse both physical and mental. Justcurious55 says dump him, and this my friend is the safest course of action for you. Don't get into this type of relationship, don't enable this type of relationship, don't settle for this type of relationship as it leads to a long life abuse at the hands of abusive men with you constantly trying to "understand" them and setting boundaries in your relationships that will never be respected by the opposite member.

Sailor,

In no way am I suggesting enabling this guy. Let's not confuse understanding with acquiescence. That mistake has caused innumerable men to shut down their ability to understand, and so go clueless.

Consider The Art of War, by Sun Tzu (Amazon.com: The Art Of War: Sun Tzu: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Art-War-Sun-Tzu/dp/1599869772/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243799372&sr=8-4)) plus just about every text on martial arts or warfare. They all state that if you know your enemy (Understand him) and know yourself better than he knows you and himself, you will win in combat.

I'm recommending that she set inviolable boundaries. To do that effectively, she needs to understand with whom she is dealing.

Tao

You sound young (teenager) and IMO you should not establish a pattern of putting up with this kind of behavior.
Your boy friend will do what you allow him to do and if he is getting angry with you for no reason and doing it frequently, I see no reason to stay and put up with such nonsense.

I totally disagree with even bothering to put up with him any longer. Boundaries or no boundaries. You are not his mother and should not have to teach him how to treat people. I still say dump him.

i totally disagree with even bothering to put up with him any longer. boundaries or no boundaries. you are not his mother and should not have to teach him how to treat people. i still say dump him.

Y'all,

Starrlight hasn't told us very much about this guy or about her age, desires, or feelings. I assumed that she wanted to deal with his obnoxious behavior. But as I read everyone's posts, we each assumed different things.

Most of you say "dump him." That might be the right thing. But if she learns how to manage behavior like his so that she maintains her power and doesn't play victim, it will serve her forever. Before dumping him, it might be worth a try.

I'm assuming this girl is young, like 14-16. The guy is probably that young as well. She needs to cut this guy loose.

If these were mature adults and she really loved him, I'd say "maybe" but personally I don't think anyone should put up with anyone who consistently treats them poorly. Managing behavior is fine for a parent and child, but two adults? If one is being a butt-hole, leave him/her to him/herself.
I don't believe in putting up with abuse of any kind. People like that should not be tolerated. Hopefully after they are dumped enough, they will get a clue and get their act together.

Taoplr I have to disagre with you on the advice you given here.

You wrote "if he is insulting or abusive when he gets mad, this means telling him straight up, "You can't talk to me that way. Please don't.") The only thing I can say to this is what? So you should stay with someone that might be insulting and abusive but bargin with them? I don't think so.

A boyfriend shouldn't be your bully. He should be the exact opposite. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and nothing less. You shouldn' fear your partner and you don't have to deal with their insecurities. If they have insecurities and are lashing out on you then it is time for you to remove yourself from the situation and let them work on their problems through counseling. You don't stay with someone like that and love doesn't mean a love because this isn't love.

Even if this girl is a teenager it still isn't an excuse to stay. The sad part is that a lot of teens are in abusive relationships but they stay because they believe their boyfriend cares more them when they are that way. The only person temper tantrums I am deal with is my son and daughter. I wouldn't take it from partner nor tolerant it.

I do agree with Liz, although I can see where Tao is coming from.

Tao, your advice would be very appropriate for a work relationship, or a relationship with a parent. These are often the relationships that we need to 'manage' in our lives, and where we may have less choice about our connection with that person.

However, in this case, and with very little information to go on, if a boyfriend is controlling and bullying, then I honestly think that the advice has to be to not put up with it. Too many cases of domestic violence start in this way, and turn out to be utterly disempowering for the women involved.

I also agree with Homegirl, if these guys see that their behavior is unacceptable, then perhaps (just perhaps) they might think about changing. We live in hope.

You have two choices

1. Either put up with his stupid controlling abuse behavior

Or

2. Leave him, find someone who will treat you how you should be treated and live a much better and healthier life.

I'm going with 2.

I'm just saying

Taoplr I have to disagre with you on the advice you given here.

You wrote "if he is insulting or abusive when he gets mad, this means telling him straight up, "You can't talk to me that way. Please don't.") The only thing I can say to this is what? So you should stay with someone that might be insulting and abusive but bargin with them? I don't think so.

A boyfriend shouldn't be your bully. He should be the exact opposite. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and nothing less. You shouldn' fear your partner and you don't have to deal with their insecurities. If they have insecurities and are lashing out on you then it is time for you to remove yourself from the situation and let them work on their problems through counseling. You don't stay with someone like that and love doesn't mean a love because this isn't love.

Even if this girl is a teenager it still isn't an excuse to stay. The sad part is that alot of teens are in abusive relationships but they stay because they believe their boyfriend cares more them when they are that way. The only person temper tantrums I am deal with is my son and daughter. I wouldn't take it from partner nor tolerant it.

I'm getting a fair amount of push back on my advice to deal with this boyfriend instead of dumping him, so I'm rethinking my position. But all we know is that he gets angry a lot and is controlling.

How many guys like that have gotten feedback on this forum and have changed their behavior because of it? How many women have learned to stand up for themselves and establish terms of relationship that work for them, even with obstinate, stubborn men, just because they decided that doing so was better than walking away? Is this girl's only choice to leave the relationship?

I fully agree with you who say that this is not what a boyfriend should be. None of the relationships people come here to address are what they should be. If this girl had said that he was physically abusive, it would be another matter. Like you, I would say dump him and move on. But if her next boyfriend is not quite perfect, yet has redeeming qualities that balance his flaws, she might want to have the power, courage, and skill to be an equal partner in making the relationship what she feels it could be. Over a lifetime, that's a useful thing to be able to do. This guy might not be the one to do it with, but she should at least know that she has that option.

Tao