GrandPah
May 23, 2009, 10:58 AM
Sorry for writing so much, and I think that if you spare a couple of minutes out of your life to read through and answer me, you will make a huge difference into my life.
Okay, I have wondered about this for a long while and I have asked this question for a lot of different people, getting really different answers and I need some down-to-earth advice because I just don't want to ruin my life for this. I will be appreciated if some of you read through everything I write, and I will try to be reasonable and unbiased, because I want real opinions and real answers. I also try to analize things in a thougtful and psychological point of view, to understand who people actually are.
Background:
I am Brazilian, 18 years old today and I moved to California with my father two years ago, so he would go into a study program for two years and then I would move back to Brazil for college. I started going out with this girl over an year ago (dec 2007) and I had an instant connection with her. I have had another really amazing girlfriend on the past, so I can assure you that this is not the kind of feeling that you have on your first relationship, but I also should let you know that I am the kind of guy who runs after girls, not because I am just stupid, but I guess I have a really low self-steem when it comes to myself.
Her:
Well it was a true, mutual love, for a long while, she had 3 boyfriends in the past, and all of them ended up being abusive or just didn't even know how to treat her well. We were deeply in love in every single aspect, we fought like everyone does but I guess ALL of our little meaningless fights ended up with a happy ending. We always got into consent, when I knew I had done something bad to her, I would get back to her house and apologize, even late at night, and she would do the same, even though she didn't ran after me that much, or made a lot of effort to be with me. I have been raised as a feminist kind of guy, so I know how to treat women well, but I feel like I am being played around lately (I will get into that in a moment). I know there are a lot of girls who would die to be with a guy like me, even though I quite can't see it. I was always good to her, she was always first on my lists and I honestly say that I would always choose the option who would favor us instead of anything else. She has been raised in a 5-sister family, so the idea that she got from her sisters is that she deserves to be treated as a queen, I think. I mean, she does really try not to be like that, but I guess that deep inside that's who she is, the kind of woman who can find any guy she wants and make them do everything for her. She is flirtatious when she needs something out of a guy and she knows that her attitude always made me upset, but at the same time I think she knows none of the guys who droll over her would be as good as I am to her.
When I look back nowadays, I see that both of us messed up and both of us had our let-downs, but for example, with my other GF, I never tried to imply that I wanted to be with her forever or for a long while. We were just kids, I am still way too young to decide that. I mean, even being a feminist and the kind of guy who wants to do a lot for a girl who deserve, at the same time I consider myself down-to-earth enough to not fool myself with these perfect dreams, but with her it was different. I had a connection so strong that I know many married couple would be jealous of, and I think I will be able to find someone with a stronger or more meaningful connection in the future, but I just don't want me and her to end as a "could have been".
Well those were amazing times, she was into me, she was more into me to the point she would NEGLECT her own origins and run after me and care after me like no one else did, even though there was not that much of an effort from her part. For example, I can be single and not care if I am single or not, but she has ALWAYS been the kind of girl who likes to be surrounded by guys who care about her. So I guess her interest in me wasn't always 100%, but I would say something like 95%, or something extremely high to unconsciously change the way she thinks and sees guys around her to be focused on only me. I also should state that she has had a very hard and abusive past. She has self-mutillated herself dude to depression and been put into a rehab, but I think that she never talked to an thoughtful counselor and I think that it would have made a large difference on her. I can also see some slight symptoms of ADD, bipolar disorder and ADHD, but she has never taken any medication or anti-depressants. I don't think she has any of these disorders, but I wouldn't doubt that. I am also the kind of guy who would try hard to work around these problems.
The problem:
Well my other background, about my family is that they never really seem to support me, and I only realized that now. I left her and the US in January, and I promised her that I would be back soon, to go with her to a community college. But without my parent's and family's support, the college neglected my application because I didn't have enough funds to attend it on my own. I was going to live in a friend's house until this summer and then I would figure out what to really do for the next year. That was my initial plan, and she always had a big importance to me, not just because she is or was who I really wanted to be with, and I was willing to run after it, but also because because I wanted to do so much for her, I conquested so high personal and professional things that I never thought I would do on my own, without an incentive like she is to me.
So I left. The first weeks she was good to me. We talked online, and she has had a long distance relationship before and so have I, and it's NOT what I want to have for us. But I see it as just a "phase" and that better times would come by. At least I would be able to see how hard she would do for me, how much effort she thinks I deserve, and having a long distance relationship is not something easy at all. Well, the FIRST bomb was that the community college rejected my app as I wrote. Well what to do now? How would I get a visa to go back if I wouldn't be able to do anything? I worked around that. I had an older tourism visa and I could spend three months in California and she could come over in summer to Brazil and I would figure out how to attend the college on the fall (as I still plan to do as I got a company to sponsor me). Well sure, I had some money on my family savings account and it was a good idea, but the "phase" got longer, to the month of April. Another thing that happened on the meantime is that we started fighting and it was getting hard to be on a relationship like this. Relationships are not supposed to be hard, they are supposed to be fun. Anyhow, she started to be jealous of Brazil because she thought that I was having a blast here, when I would spend hours and hours trying to work these problems out. All of my friends here started studying too and it got harder for me to hang out with them. And of course, I got jealous too. I am not the kind of boyfriend who tells his girlfriend NOT to be with her friends, I DO want to see her happy, but when she started ditching our daily conversation to hang out with friends and started HAVING parties while I was gone, it really made me upset. I don't know if I was stupid and overprotective on getting upset or if I was too liberal, but it got to a point when I was ing annoyed and I thought enough was enough. I asked her for a break (not broke up with her, I asked for a break) and she ended up breaking up with me because she didn't want to deal with a break.
Well I guess we spent a whole week not talking to each other and I decided to call her because I didn't want things to be like that. I remember I woke her up at seven in the morning or something like that and she was half-asleep, and the first thing that she said was "thanks for calling, I really love you and I really miss you". That gave me an unimaginable strength and it made me happy again, because I knew she loved me even though things were the way they did. That day we talked again later, and well, she kind of shocked me on the conversation. She told me a lot of things, how can I say? About jealousy, true love, and her "soft side", things that I knew she felt but I knew that she would never have the courage to tell me. She cried that day, but I felt REALLY REALLY special because she was finally able to torn apart ALL of her "hardshell" built by her family relationship. It was a good conversation to me, and I think it was for her too, even though she cried and she said that she "never wanted to feel so dependant of someone", or "never thought she would love someone more than herself". But what shocked me was that she said something like "please, please, take me back, I never wanted to do this to us, and please don't be on a break with me anymore, because I want to try as hard as I can", and I felt amazing about that, of course I said yes, but I guess when she said that she realized that she didn't want to end up like this and well, basically that's when I started to wonder if she has bipoler disorder. In a matter of 10 seconds, she said she didn't want to take me back, it was a mistake, and she got really cold. Well okay I guess. She made me upset but on the next day she apologized to me (not asking me back though), and we kept going on like that, I think the most I spent without talking to her after that was a couple or three days.
Next problem:
Well, to make a longer story short, as I told you my family never supported me, my mom ended up being another owner of my savings account (as I was a minor when we started that account, she had to sign me up), and she basically froze all of my funds. That weren't many funds, but enough to get a plane ticket and even spare a lot, but now all the money I could possibly get was gone. Well, I need to admit myself too. I lied to her. I lied to my love. I told her I was going back for her when I had NO CLUE on what to do to go back for her. I lied about dates a couple of times and I KNOW I shattered her heart by doing that. I really feel miserable about that and it is probably one of the things I regret most in my life. I have messed up too, I have lied, because I didn't want to end up hurting anyone from my family too, I decided to take longer and try to have a more blessed departure (even though that was another mistake, I believe that family is supposed to be a life-long bond and to support indefinitely, so this months have also been hard to me, and I have changed my idea about them for life too). I have messed up and I regret doing that. I even bougth a plane ticket (with my credit card who was also linked to my mom's) because I knew she wouldn't be able to pay without using the money I had saved for myself. I never thought my parents would be this selfish.
So yes, I lied to her, I messed up, I thought more about my family, I thought I could make everyone happy, I put her AFTER them all, and the biggest mistake of them all, which is the one I regret the most out of my life: I did NOT get into the plane because I thought my mom would change her mind and decide to support me from then on. Oh I was wrong.
We kept talking. We kept fighting. Things got worse, but we did have our good times. We did have new promises, we did make more effort to talk too. We grew up with all of those problems. Even though she decided not to take me back because she was doubtful if I was ever getting back (even though in one way or another, loving her or not, I left a lot of my personal and professional belongings in her hands). There were times where she would become completely soft again on the phone and cry how much she loved me and how she would do ANYTHING to make things better. She said I was the guy she wanted to get married with, she said she could see us living together and more depthful stuff. I mean, she is NOT the kind of girl who would cry or do so much for a guy, and I know that she waited so long for me and cried so much for me because she truly loves me or loved me back then. But those were just times, times when she decided or changed her mind in order to be nice to me, in order to be POSITIVE instead of pessimistic and try to look forward to things, even though she is not that kind of girl.
And I kept trying too. I had a professional project about building guitar pedals to sell to people, as a hobby, and I turned that into a real home-based company in order to obtain money to be able to see her again and work things out. I think that at this day, the company means a lot to me, but I can easily say that 80% of the effort I put into it was a consequence of our love, it was a consequence of my will to fight for her so hard in my life, so in one way or another, I am still getting good things out of this experience and bad things too.
I also should state that I always believed she was waiting for me. I mean I never even had a single moment of wondering if I should be with someone else. I do check girls out and like that of course, but I had so many opportunities, when girls who I had old crushes in actually asked me out and I said that I was in love with someone else. Not just because I thought it was mutual, but for the SIMPLE and MERE fact that I LOVE HER and I just didn't want or need anyone else at the moment.
Okay, I have wondered about this for a long while and I have asked this question for a lot of different people, getting really different answers and I need some down-to-earth advice because I just don't want to ruin my life for this. I will be appreciated if some of you read through everything I write, and I will try to be reasonable and unbiased, because I want real opinions and real answers. I also try to analize things in a thougtful and psychological point of view, to understand who people actually are.
Background:
I am Brazilian, 18 years old today and I moved to California with my father two years ago, so he would go into a study program for two years and then I would move back to Brazil for college. I started going out with this girl over an year ago (dec 2007) and I had an instant connection with her. I have had another really amazing girlfriend on the past, so I can assure you that this is not the kind of feeling that you have on your first relationship, but I also should let you know that I am the kind of guy who runs after girls, not because I am just stupid, but I guess I have a really low self-steem when it comes to myself.
Her:
Well it was a true, mutual love, for a long while, she had 3 boyfriends in the past, and all of them ended up being abusive or just didn't even know how to treat her well. We were deeply in love in every single aspect, we fought like everyone does but I guess ALL of our little meaningless fights ended up with a happy ending. We always got into consent, when I knew I had done something bad to her, I would get back to her house and apologize, even late at night, and she would do the same, even though she didn't ran after me that much, or made a lot of effort to be with me. I have been raised as a feminist kind of guy, so I know how to treat women well, but I feel like I am being played around lately (I will get into that in a moment). I know there are a lot of girls who would die to be with a guy like me, even though I quite can't see it. I was always good to her, she was always first on my lists and I honestly say that I would always choose the option who would favor us instead of anything else. She has been raised in a 5-sister family, so the idea that she got from her sisters is that she deserves to be treated as a queen, I think. I mean, she does really try not to be like that, but I guess that deep inside that's who she is, the kind of woman who can find any guy she wants and make them do everything for her. She is flirtatious when she needs something out of a guy and she knows that her attitude always made me upset, but at the same time I think she knows none of the guys who droll over her would be as good as I am to her.
When I look back nowadays, I see that both of us messed up and both of us had our let-downs, but for example, with my other GF, I never tried to imply that I wanted to be with her forever or for a long while. We were just kids, I am still way too young to decide that. I mean, even being a feminist and the kind of guy who wants to do a lot for a girl who deserve, at the same time I consider myself down-to-earth enough to not fool myself with these perfect dreams, but with her it was different. I had a connection so strong that I know many married couple would be jealous of, and I think I will be able to find someone with a stronger or more meaningful connection in the future, but I just don't want me and her to end as a "could have been".
Well those were amazing times, she was into me, she was more into me to the point she would NEGLECT her own origins and run after me and care after me like no one else did, even though there was not that much of an effort from her part. For example, I can be single and not care if I am single or not, but she has ALWAYS been the kind of girl who likes to be surrounded by guys who care about her. So I guess her interest in me wasn't always 100%, but I would say something like 95%, or something extremely high to unconsciously change the way she thinks and sees guys around her to be focused on only me. I also should state that she has had a very hard and abusive past. She has self-mutillated herself dude to depression and been put into a rehab, but I think that she never talked to an thoughtful counselor and I think that it would have made a large difference on her. I can also see some slight symptoms of ADD, bipolar disorder and ADHD, but she has never taken any medication or anti-depressants. I don't think she has any of these disorders, but I wouldn't doubt that. I am also the kind of guy who would try hard to work around these problems.
The problem:
Well my other background, about my family is that they never really seem to support me, and I only realized that now. I left her and the US in January, and I promised her that I would be back soon, to go with her to a community college. But without my parent's and family's support, the college neglected my application because I didn't have enough funds to attend it on my own. I was going to live in a friend's house until this summer and then I would figure out what to really do for the next year. That was my initial plan, and she always had a big importance to me, not just because she is or was who I really wanted to be with, and I was willing to run after it, but also because because I wanted to do so much for her, I conquested so high personal and professional things that I never thought I would do on my own, without an incentive like she is to me.
So I left. The first weeks she was good to me. We talked online, and she has had a long distance relationship before and so have I, and it's NOT what I want to have for us. But I see it as just a "phase" and that better times would come by. At least I would be able to see how hard she would do for me, how much effort she thinks I deserve, and having a long distance relationship is not something easy at all. Well, the FIRST bomb was that the community college rejected my app as I wrote. Well what to do now? How would I get a visa to go back if I wouldn't be able to do anything? I worked around that. I had an older tourism visa and I could spend three months in California and she could come over in summer to Brazil and I would figure out how to attend the college on the fall (as I still plan to do as I got a company to sponsor me). Well sure, I had some money on my family savings account and it was a good idea, but the "phase" got longer, to the month of April. Another thing that happened on the meantime is that we started fighting and it was getting hard to be on a relationship like this. Relationships are not supposed to be hard, they are supposed to be fun. Anyhow, she started to be jealous of Brazil because she thought that I was having a blast here, when I would spend hours and hours trying to work these problems out. All of my friends here started studying too and it got harder for me to hang out with them. And of course, I got jealous too. I am not the kind of boyfriend who tells his girlfriend NOT to be with her friends, I DO want to see her happy, but when she started ditching our daily conversation to hang out with friends and started HAVING parties while I was gone, it really made me upset. I don't know if I was stupid and overprotective on getting upset or if I was too liberal, but it got to a point when I was ing annoyed and I thought enough was enough. I asked her for a break (not broke up with her, I asked for a break) and she ended up breaking up with me because she didn't want to deal with a break.
Well I guess we spent a whole week not talking to each other and I decided to call her because I didn't want things to be like that. I remember I woke her up at seven in the morning or something like that and she was half-asleep, and the first thing that she said was "thanks for calling, I really love you and I really miss you". That gave me an unimaginable strength and it made me happy again, because I knew she loved me even though things were the way they did. That day we talked again later, and well, she kind of shocked me on the conversation. She told me a lot of things, how can I say? About jealousy, true love, and her "soft side", things that I knew she felt but I knew that she would never have the courage to tell me. She cried that day, but I felt REALLY REALLY special because she was finally able to torn apart ALL of her "hardshell" built by her family relationship. It was a good conversation to me, and I think it was for her too, even though she cried and she said that she "never wanted to feel so dependant of someone", or "never thought she would love someone more than herself". But what shocked me was that she said something like "please, please, take me back, I never wanted to do this to us, and please don't be on a break with me anymore, because I want to try as hard as I can", and I felt amazing about that, of course I said yes, but I guess when she said that she realized that she didn't want to end up like this and well, basically that's when I started to wonder if she has bipoler disorder. In a matter of 10 seconds, she said she didn't want to take me back, it was a mistake, and she got really cold. Well okay I guess. She made me upset but on the next day she apologized to me (not asking me back though), and we kept going on like that, I think the most I spent without talking to her after that was a couple or three days.
Next problem:
Well, to make a longer story short, as I told you my family never supported me, my mom ended up being another owner of my savings account (as I was a minor when we started that account, she had to sign me up), and she basically froze all of my funds. That weren't many funds, but enough to get a plane ticket and even spare a lot, but now all the money I could possibly get was gone. Well, I need to admit myself too. I lied to her. I lied to my love. I told her I was going back for her when I had NO CLUE on what to do to go back for her. I lied about dates a couple of times and I KNOW I shattered her heart by doing that. I really feel miserable about that and it is probably one of the things I regret most in my life. I have messed up too, I have lied, because I didn't want to end up hurting anyone from my family too, I decided to take longer and try to have a more blessed departure (even though that was another mistake, I believe that family is supposed to be a life-long bond and to support indefinitely, so this months have also been hard to me, and I have changed my idea about them for life too). I have messed up and I regret doing that. I even bougth a plane ticket (with my credit card who was also linked to my mom's) because I knew she wouldn't be able to pay without using the money I had saved for myself. I never thought my parents would be this selfish.
So yes, I lied to her, I messed up, I thought more about my family, I thought I could make everyone happy, I put her AFTER them all, and the biggest mistake of them all, which is the one I regret the most out of my life: I did NOT get into the plane because I thought my mom would change her mind and decide to support me from then on. Oh I was wrong.
We kept talking. We kept fighting. Things got worse, but we did have our good times. We did have new promises, we did make more effort to talk too. We grew up with all of those problems. Even though she decided not to take me back because she was doubtful if I was ever getting back (even though in one way or another, loving her or not, I left a lot of my personal and professional belongings in her hands). There were times where she would become completely soft again on the phone and cry how much she loved me and how she would do ANYTHING to make things better. She said I was the guy she wanted to get married with, she said she could see us living together and more depthful stuff. I mean, she is NOT the kind of girl who would cry or do so much for a guy, and I know that she waited so long for me and cried so much for me because she truly loves me or loved me back then. But those were just times, times when she decided or changed her mind in order to be nice to me, in order to be POSITIVE instead of pessimistic and try to look forward to things, even though she is not that kind of girl.
And I kept trying too. I had a professional project about building guitar pedals to sell to people, as a hobby, and I turned that into a real home-based company in order to obtain money to be able to see her again and work things out. I think that at this day, the company means a lot to me, but I can easily say that 80% of the effort I put into it was a consequence of our love, it was a consequence of my will to fight for her so hard in my life, so in one way or another, I am still getting good things out of this experience and bad things too.
I also should state that I always believed she was waiting for me. I mean I never even had a single moment of wondering if I should be with someone else. I do check girls out and like that of course, but I had so many opportunities, when girls who I had old crushes in actually asked me out and I said that I was in love with someone else. Not just because I thought it was mutual, but for the SIMPLE and MERE fact that I LOVE HER and I just didn't want or need anyone else at the moment.