Hey all,
I've been finding great support in reading a couple of threads in here, so I think it's time to write down my own.
Me and my girlfriend met 7 years ago. We had really much fun together and really soon I moved in with her, well not technically moving in, but I was there almost everyday so I consider it the same.
After a year or so, we moved to another house so we could get another dog, we weren't allowed to have one in her apartment and she already had a dog, but that was OK for the neighbours.
So we lived there and we were thinking about buying a house together, as at the time, we could get a house for almost the same montly payment as a rented house.
It was a house in my home town, but there was really much work to do in it.

By that time this thing happened... I added a girl I knew from work in my IM, but because I wanted to be with that girl or anything like that, but just as friends. So my girlfriend had been snooping in my history of my internet browser and found her IM profile. She was really jealous and told me I should not talk to any girl I know from work in my free time, work colleagues are work colleagues and if a boy wants to talk with a girl after work that indicates that there is something more going on. Well... this made me change a lot... I deleted every girl I knew from the past out of my IM, I didn't even talk with my other friends anymore, I didn't go out anymore... I just didn't want that fight all over again.
I got really negative about stupid things and I always had problems with expressing my feelings before that happened, but it got so much worse after that.

The work around the house... I did some stuff, but not much... I kind of lived in my own world...

We broke up 3 years ago that was part of me being so negative and not really enjoying live and also for the fact that she apparently had some medical problems, her body didn't take in vitamin B12 anymore and that got her really depressed.

The first days I texed her like a mad man, I wrote a letter to her, when she needed to go somewhere (she didn't have a car at that time) I drove her
I went to a fitness with a good friend at my work back then, we went to parties, he really was there for me and I had good support of him.
Step by step I was moving on with my life and then her best friend asked me about how I was on IM. I stilled missed her like hell, and loved her with all my heart but I told him that I was doing OK, that I was getting my life back together slowly.
The next week she told me she wanted to get back together. Because the girl she was living with then had to move out, she moved back with me. I was really happy that she got back, but she ignored me, she didn't kiss me, she didn't hug me... After two weeks I was a mental mess, I was thinking why doesn't she show me her love.
I went to a festival for 3 days with a friend, because that was already arranged several weeks ago, I wasn't really in a state to go, but my girlfriend told me I couldn't let that friend down.
I got really, really drunk and I met the girl there who my girlfriend lived with when we were separated, and she was telling me stuff like "If I were her, I would give you all the attention you want, you are such a sweet guy" "I only wished I could find someone like you" and well she kissed me and I didn't back away :s
I told her when I was back what happened and then she confessed me why she was ignoring me all that time, she had been sleeping with another guy, but it was just for the sex and I couldn be mad because we weren't together at that time, but I'll tell you I was devastated that she did this, this started only a week after we broke up, she even texted me to tell me she missed me and was crying all the time.

There wasn't really much money to do big things around the house so it didn't get any better. And I didn't change my bad habits.

And now she told me that she really loves me but we aren't meant to be together, it just doesn't work out. She wants to start a new life somewhere else.
We were trying to get a baby you know :(.
The worst part is, I can't blame her, Ive been negative about everything, didn't go out, locked myself up...
I told her that I should enjoy life more and try to be positive again, that it would work about for the two of us, as we were really happy when I lived more.
But she says I had my chance to change already... and she is right I did.

I'm trying to do NC now, and start to work on myself, as I really need to do that, for myself. I'm not the person I once was, and I hate myself the way I am now.
I just miss her... I love her... she loves me... but as my girlfriend says that's not enough :(

She at first wanted to stay here as 'friends', but I told her that wouldn't work because I don't want her as a friend but as a girlfriend and it would do me too much pain.

Yesterday I went over to my parents to see how I can move back in home with them, but they didn't really wanted my cats to come along because they have 2 dogs already and they think it won't go together. And I should try to keep the house because then I have something from myself, and she shouldn't ask for her part of what we already paid because she has no right for it, because my parents helped to make the first big payment for the house.
Well I breaked down again. I don't want to stay here in this house, this reminds me too much of her, and I don't want to leave my animals behind and I called her up, crying, asking for another shot, telling her I love her. She said that she could help me to get back on my feet, and asked if she should come over today but I told her that wouldn do any good as I already know what she's going to say, that she doesn't see a future together anymore.

I have so little hope left, and yet... I want to talk things over, I want a new start for the two of us, I know we can be happy if I sort myself out, but you have to be with 2 persons that want to work on a relationship I guess.

I have almost no friends left because I ignored everyone, I hate myself for changing the way I did, and quite frankly I don't know what I need to do now, how to get my life back :(

She now is living with her dad for a week and then she comes here to live with her dog, and I move to my parents. I asked her if I could be here some time alone to think about things, to let it sink a bit... And she told me "i hope not for too long, I dont like living with my dad". And then she went "I got my periods again, time to start with my birthcontrol pills again" . THAT really hurts you know :(

I really want to get back together with her really... I always thought of her as the love of my live, but I can't blame her for leaving me, I wouldn't want to live with me either.
Chances are really small that we get back together I know that, she said it's over so what's more to it... But still... the fact that she still loves me is some hope I try to hold on too :(

Sorry for the really long story, but I just had to write it down somewhere.


And I just want to call her to get over her, to talk to her , but I just now that I will say the wrong things all over again, that I will be begging again for her to come back,
But it's just so damn hard, she only left me two days ago

Wow, you have a lot to deal with. You can start by accepting she doesn't want what you want, and maybe its time to heal, and rebuild your life without her.

Its only been 2 days, so your feelings are intense and fresh. Handle your business with this house, in a fair manner, just to get her out of your life for real. Then you can cry all you want.

Just because things didn't work out for you this time, doesn't mean you can wallow on the pity pot, and boo-hoo yourself through it. Get up, and get your act together like a man is supposed to do, and handle your business, heal, and make yourself ready for a serious person, who will want what you want.

Unless your happy with yourself, you will never attract another happy person, and have nothing good to share.

Get busy.

I know, I've already made some plans what I'm going to do next... well I try to do then right from the start, but it's really hard right now... I really have to force myself to do things rather than cry and think about her.
But well... I just have to keep on going I guess. When I sit back and hope for her to come back it's not going to help either way. I have to get myself happy again, else even if she gets back we would break up again cause I didn't take time to make me happy.
I'm also not really a person that connects well with other people, but the more I get out, the better it will get I suppose. I just have to be a bit more positive towards life and other people.
The fact that I went through this before does help a bit, I know now that begging for her to come back doesn't solve anything, and I just have to try to carry on with my life... not that it's easy.
Well today I'm going to start NC, for this week to get myself together, after that it's time to deal with the house,. don't know how I'm going to handle that but well I just need some time first to thinks things over.
Hopefully this will become day 1 of NC.
Thanks you for the advice... deep down I know what I should do and everything will turn out OK either way... but it's always nice to have someone else tell me this .

There are some similarities with my situation, I let my depression affect my relationship, we didn't have a lot of money to go out, thought we were both happy staying home all the time and just hanging out. Now she left me and I realize how crazy I was to expect someone to stay with me in a situation like that.

So I feel the same way, I completely understand why she doesn't want to be with me. But I love her and want it to work and it is killing me.

I don't agree with much of the advice around here, "be a man", "move on", does being a man mean being in denial? I loved someone and I'm not going to pretend that I suddenly don't care. I am completely upset with myself that I let it all get messed up and I feel like I am supposed to be with her.

Good luck with your plans. I attempted No Contact, made plans with other people, tried to be distracted, but the first second you get back home and don't have anything to do, the feelings will still be there.

I am completely upset with myself that I let it all get messed up and I feel like I am supposed to be with her. <- those are exact my feelings at the moment :(
And I know the feelings will still be there... I send her a message again even though I already knew the answer... broke my heart all over again, but hey I could expect that :( That was my own damn fault.. my mind tells me to leave her alone, but my heart always wins the fight over this...
I only wished I took action earlier, she gave me enough opportunities but I didn't took them. I feel such an idiot to let this happen, I'm even thinking to talk to someone (psychiater or I don't know) how I can change my life again and get a more positive view on it... my friends tell me that that's not necessary but I don't know... maybe it's good that I can speak with someone and tell them everything that goes on in my mind.
I realise that she already made up her mind some time ago, and is already trying to move on... but it's hard to really accept it...
She wants to help me to rearrange my life again, but I don't see that going very well... how can I do that if she is around all the time, I told her I would fix my life alone.. . I really don't want to be only friends with her, that would kill me...
Another question I have... What do you guys (& girls obviously :p) think if I just went to do some stuff with a girl I've know for like 7-8 years, like going to the movies or some other thing. Some problems here are 1) she also broke up some time ago and is well... quite a mess... She found out the guy was married & had kids :s
2) I'm afraid that in the future there would be feelings from her for me and I'm not ready for that and I don't want to disappoint her either cause I've known her for really long. I know that she once drove all the way to here with a train (and that takes like an hour or so) to come to a party she tought I would be at, but I wasn't there, she never told me until some time ago. So I think she had some feelings for me some time ago...
I want to go because I can talk with her and she understands what I'm going through.
Well but... it feels like cheating on my ex even though I don't want a relationship with her

Healing is a process that takes time and work, but the last thing you need is another romantic attachment. Having a friend is different, many as a matter of fact, but beware of transferring hurt feelings, to someone else, as that on complicates things, and stops the healing process.

If you can be honest with yourself, and others, it will go a long way of keeping things simple, and not let you get carried away by some strong, intense feelings.

That's the whole point in dealing with a break up, or personal loss. Dealing/ coping with your own feelings.

It's just so hard that each day you could share everything with a person that made you laugh, loved you and cared about you, and the next day you are all alone,. thinking that most of it was your own fault...
Maybe it's to soon to fully get her out of my mind, maybe I want to get over it to soon and I need some time to think it over. I want to get over this and move on with my life, but right now the feeling of 'wanting her back' is still taking over...
I know that I should be strong and 'get my act together as a man', but well in reality... it's not that easy.
Still day 0 of NC :S A part of me just doesn't want to let her go...

And sorry to keep moaning about this...
I just have to let it go somewhere, I spent a lot of time at my parents now but well what can I say, the part of me that has troubles expressing my feelings, I think I inheritated that from them, so I can't really talk with them about this.
If I tell them anything about my feelings, they don't know what to say or get mad at my ex and that's not really what I want to hear.

Being strong ha s very little to do with being proactive. Ranting, and venting, is only part of the healing process.

I think taking action is essential. Doing things for yourself. That's the part of the plan that needs your work.

Hey Hun,

I hope you don't mind. But since you went public I have to add my 2 cents. From what I was reading, your G/F is the reason you started acting like this to begin with. When your in a relationship and you can't trust your lover to just talk to someone and nothing more then its broken from there. For example... My Boyfriend still talks to a couple of his X's. It annoys me sometimes because I don't like them personally but I don't mind cause I can trust him with everything I am. I know with out a doubt that he would never do anything to hurt me. And just so you know a person who gets possesive like she did, in telling you not to talk to any girls, well she was probably guilty of more than what she was accusing you of. That's how a guilty person makes themselves feel better. Please do me a favor as well. I know you want a baby with her, or at least think you do. Don't do that! I think its time for you two to move on and go your separate ways. And if you two did have a baby it doesn't make failing relationships work out. If anything it complicats it more. And then you two won't just be hurting each other but an innocent child as well. There are plenty of women out there that will treat you better. And trust me if she was sleeping with someone else while you two were broken up, Then she has moved on and is just messin with your head. But if you two do get back together she won't trust you and you'll always wonder about the other guy. I am sorry I was so blunt. But that's how I am and I have been threw this before. Its not worth the heartache and tears. You will meet someone special if you try and forget about her! I did and I am happier then Ever!! Good~Luck Sweety!! I wish you well and Hope it works out in your favor!!
Jamie

Well... she said that when she got back here she would be painting the house and stuff so that it would get more value when we sell it and she asked if I wanted to help her...
Ok... what the hell should I do... one of the reasons we broke up was because I didn't do much around the house... So should I help her with the work... with the (maybe silly) hope that she will see that I've changed and like a fairy tale she'll fall back in love with me, or should I just try to sell the house ASAP.
It's just... I really want her back and want to proof to her that I can be a positive, supportive man,(edit : no I WANT to be a more positive supportive man for other people for my own good) and hope that she'll change her mind...
But hey I already know the answer from you guys... I'm just fooling myself with the little hope I have left I guess, I'm going to get in the "friends" zone and I don't want that to happen :(
It's another mind-hearth battle, I just hope my brains for once win :P normally I'm more of a rational and intellect guy, but these days...
And my girlfriend already apoligised (god how do you write that in English :p) for the way she behaved back then with the jealousy, but I didn't want to have an argument again and I tried to avoid the situation in the future... but that's one of my biggest faults right there, I lost all my friends and my social life.

And Jamie what you say is so true, I don't want a child with her anymore now, only with a person that truelly loves me too and is the right one for me... but I was just hoping that she was the one.

Well tomorrow I go back to work, hope that'll keep me busy and try to think of other stuff. I've been at home these days because of holidays, so when my normal life proceeds I've got more things to do.

Thanks talaniman for your great and fast advice you give me, I really appreciate it and it means a whole lot to me. I'll try to take some action to get my life back on track, meeting up with old friends, starting to exercise but the whole "house" thing is still standing in my way.

Next week I'm moving out of here and back to my parents, and she'll be staying here, that'll be a good change for me, so I don't have to see all her stuff around the house and think of all the good times we shared in here.

So should I help her out to fix the house a bit... To be honest I don't really want to be with her as 'friends' and work together, but I still do want a fresh start with her (yeh I know... )

And something else that has been bothering me... The first time we broke up and she had sex several times with another guy and told me that I couldn't be mad because we were apart...
Not that this matters anymore... because we have tried to forgive each other about our mistakes (me kissing her best friend :S) But... was it OK for her to act like I shouldn't care and I was overreacting, while she gave me a hard time over the kiss?
Just want to know that, because it still confuses me, OK... I still feel really bad about that kiss, but it really meant nothing and yeah it doesn't justify it... but well under the circumstances back then I was really confused and lost...

My point through out this is that you make decisions for yourself. Can't you see that's what she has been doing all along?

Making decisions that work for her, no matter what you do. That's why your confused, you can't understand the concept of taking care of yourself, no matter what others do.

Now get a professional to advise you how to get rid off the house, and cut ties with this female forever.

Hey talaniman,

I can really say that your last post kind of opened my eyes. I need to take control over my own life again and do what's best for me. Thanks for showing that to me.

Basically I've let myself become dependent on another person to be happy, and set my own needs and feelings aside. I guess I got really negative and not-social in the progress.

Well time for me to discover myself again. I'm still a bit down because I don't have many friends, but I contacted some people I know from the past and some wanted to hang out in the future, so I can get some contact back with them, and maybe meet some other people through them.

I do still have a mixture of emotions... one side of me is looking forward to moving on with my life and get back to be the funny, supportive guy with many friends that I used to be, but well the other side... you can guess what that is. I do still love her , but I'm more and more getting convinced that if she doesn't want to be with me or try to work on our problems, she's not the right girl for me. Even if I made some mistakes, she made them too...

Plans for the future :
- start running (need to get back in shape again, will feel a lot better I think)
- going on vacation with my best friend (party time)
- got some music making software, so I'm going to try to see if that's something for me, always wanted to do that :)

And I finally got my head straight and went NC, 3 days now (yes I know, I messed the first days up again :p)

I only hope that it won't take too long to get rid of the house, and I can keep my pets where ever I'm going to end up.

Feels good to write down what's going on inside my mind somewhere.

Thank you all for the support and the great advice, it really is a comfort and gives strength to get on with my life.

Anyone any advice how I should behave or handle the situation with her on selling the house etc?
She wanted to paint the walls and stuff and do some other things to get the price higher, and asked me to help if I wanted too...
Well my first thought is no... It would only get me more hurt to spend time with her as 'friends' and be here with her. (well I can't deny the fact that I see hope in there that it'll bring us back together, but that's why I don't want to do it, false hope brings me nowhere)
What do you guys think ? Personally I want to get rid of the house as soon as possible, and if I don't have any debts from it afterwards it's OK enough for me. Get want to get on with my life as soon as possible.

That sounds like a very good plan, call a realtor. ASAP.

Well major breakdown on Friday evening...
I don't really know why, I was doing OK and so on, but I went to my evening course and well a friend of mine in there told everyone so they all started talking about it "it's better this way, you'll find someone new, blabla". It didn't really affect me so much then, but well I started thinking of her again when I got home and got these "I'm all alone, I miss her" feelings again. I started to chat with 2 of my best friends and it helped a lot.
Well it was good to let my emotions out again I guess, I feel much stronger now.

But! I'm looking at the bright side of it too now I guess, basically... I can do what the heck I want :P.
She really didn't want to listen to my music and hated that I went to these parties
(that's something she said too when we broke up... "and all of a sudden you started listening to other music then that I like and you go to these parties" (psytrance, OK... it's not for everybody, but hey I really like it)
And I only went like 3 or 4 times in a year, I did go to parties she liked a couple of time, but guess how often she went with me to my parties,. I mean not that she should have, but well she could show some interest, didn't even listen one time to it.
... I mean come on... what kind of an excuse is that,. I want my (future I suppose) partner to listen to whatever she likes, you can't force music taste on people can you :s

But hey... guess where I'm going to tonight, I'm meeting an old friend of mine I knew before her there too, so I hope I'll have a good time. Hoping on meeting some new interesting people too, but you can't force that, but just hoping... :)

Well... now she contacted me :S
She send me a textmessage "hey is it ok if I drop by one of these days ?" "how are you ?" how are our pets ?"
Well... I dont know how to react to that :S
I don't want her to drop by to have "friends" talk, either 1) to talk about the house, how we're going to sell it etc, or 2) finding a solution to our problems (but well I somehow don't see that happening anymore), but not for friends talk , cause I don't want to get hurt again and again and again.
Should i just reply with "why do you want to come over? And the pets are all fine, if you want to see them you can, I'm not at home much next week" Or just ask her to come over...
I'm not ready for this pf but I should be I guess :(

Lol well couldn't wait, I just texed back "why do you want to come over? Is it to arrange selling the house or to see the animals? The animals are fine.

... if she just wants to see the animals she can come over whenever she wants, because I'm not much at home next week, if she wants to talk about selling the house and stuff, well... I just have to do that so I can move on

I don't want her to drop by to have "friends" talk, either 1) to talk about the house, how we're going to sell it etc, or 2) finding a solution to our problems (but well I somehow don't see that happening anymore), but not for friends talk , cause I don't want to get hurt again and again and again.

I love it when someone recognizes the reality of their own needs, and can acknowledge them. IMPRESSIVE!!


Lol well couldn't wait, I just text back "why do you want to come over? Is it to arrange selling the house or to see the animals? The animals are fine.



A fair question.

I forgot to block her in my IM, because she hasn't been using it since we broke up, it was when I noticed her coming online that I thought about it.
She started to talk about 15 min, how I was doing and when she could drop by.
I answered really short, and told her that today is the only day that's possible for me because I have other stuff to do for the rest of the week (evening course + need to do work for it at home)
She said she would try to come and when I just answered "ok" she just said "bye" so me too, I just said "bye" too.
Not even 5 minutes later the phone rang... "do you hate me?" I said "no I don't have any reason to do that" "then why do you answer so short..." I told her I had nothing more to say
Well here comes the best part... "But... can't we still be friends ?" I told her "no that would hurt me too much right now, I can't do that, I have to think about myself right now"
"But... this is really painful for me too... and it's even worse if you act like that..."
I didn't answer much to that just "myeah" or something, figured I wouldn't need to point out to her that it was her choice.
"ok... I guess... I'll see you tomorrow then..."
Me : "ok bye" and hung up the phone
To be honest, I felt really good afterwards because I stayed strong and I think I handled it rather well (correct me if I'm wrong).

It's not my problem anymore that she is in pain or depressed about this situation too, I've got my own problems that I need to take care of.

I do am a bit nervous for when she comes to visit me this evening, hope I can stay strong, try to arrange everything worth mentioning about the house and well... I'm going to try to get her to leave as soon as possible, because it will hurt to see her, so better make the pain as short as possible.

Any ideas / tips how I should act, how to not let myself go all emotional again?
Sure would appreciate it.
Thanks already for the great support you guys gave me :)

I hope I'm not the emotional wreck I was just after the breakup after this evening, I'm doing great up to now (if I say so myself :p)

You handled yourself quite well. Don't you think it interesting and very telling, her response to your being to hurt to be friends?


"But... can't we still be friends ?" I told her "no that would hurt me too much right now, I can't do that, I have to think about myself right now"
"But... this is really painful for me too... and it's even worse if you act like that..."


Its important to continue to stand up for yourself, as she sees this much differently than you, and is more concerned about herself and what she wants as compared to what you want.

Honesty is the key here. And business before pleasure as you must never forget she can take stuff any time, but believe me her agenda is getting as much as she can from your jointly owned home. A 50/50 split may not be fair since you got the down payment from your family.

These are the real issue to consider, not stuff, or friendship. That's why you need facts from a professional, (lawyer) as how to make this a clean, fair break, or she will have hooks in you for a long time to come.

Hey just to inform you what happened these days...
She came over to visit me and we talked about selling the house. She herself said that she wants to make sure that my family get there part back, because that's the right thing to do.
Sometimes she said things like "do you really want to sell the house?" "I don't know if I'm making the right decision right now..." "If we really belong together we will end up back together, but I can't promise anything" well I don't really believe in faith and stuff, everyone makes their own future

Needless to say probably, but this got me all confused again and I felt like the first day we broke up again, stressed, confused.
I broke down again and called her a couple of days later, she said I misheared what she said and that she didn't mean it that way.

Well AGAIN lesson learned about contacting her, I just need to get over her and handle my own business, but well it's rather easy to get false hope when she says these confusing things (well I found them confusing, don't know about you guys)

Ok started to feel a little better again, but still confused... now what happened lol...
I got a little drunk yesterday and I was using my instant messenger, she came online...
Well basically we had our first fight lol, normally I don't really show my feeling because I'm too scared to get hurt, but well I had to release them one time I guess.

Well 'fight' is a big word, but I was acting a bit too assertive :p.
The longer we talked, we started to talk about the things that went wrong, and what our feelings were when stuff happened and things were said in the relationship.
She even said she still has problems with me kissing the other girl and could never forgot that. I told her that I too think a lot about the fact that she slept with another guy and can't forget that either, but I forgave her and tried to cope with my feelings. She told me that after that stuff happened she was really scared to open up again to me and that could probably be a reason why it didn't work out again.

We talked about all sort of stuff and our emotions in our relationship really.
We kept talking till about 4 am and then she went to sleep.
I texed her to wish her a good night and she texed me back to say I was really sweet and wishing me a good night too.

I know that I shouldn't have talked with her, but to be honest, I do feel really relieved now, that I get all these emotions and thoughts off my chest. I should talk about my feelings more often, as it really seems to help, instead of always ignoring them and try to forget.

Today I sent her an sms to say thanks that we had the conversation, and that I really feel better now that we talked about our emotions and she finally told me about her feelings about stuff that happened.
She texed back that it really was a good thing and that she feels better too now.

And I'm still feeling pretty good right now, I now realise it wasn't only my fault that it didn't work, and I no longer blame only myself for it, we both had problems. I feel that I finally can let go of the past and move forward to a better future, with or without her

I do wish we had this sort of conversations much much earlier, but well some things can't be changed and I don't have to sit around and worry about it, but only have the future in mind, and what I want to accomplish in my life.

I'll just have to see what the future brings to me :)