Hello,
I've been dating my girlfriend for 7 months, but went out on regular bases for about 1.5 years. We had many fights over the course of our relationship, but mainly were small problems that were easily solved (Only two big fights I remember that were left unresolved). However, about two weeks ago, we had consecutive fights which led to my girlfriend breaking up with me.
I was caught off guard. In fact, at the time when we met, I was trying to tell her my plan to make things better between us so that we won't have to fight (I won't get into details as it is irrelevant). So, to hear that my girlfriend wanted to break up was really a heart breaking experience.
We broke up in person, but I couldn't accept it. I was in denial. I called that night, the day after, and the day after that trying to convince her. She was solid as a rock and did not even budge. But, I did manage to shift her mind from a total break up to a "break" for 10 days. After the 10 days, she would reconsider and tell me her answer. Now, she wanted a NC during this period. I should've respected this, but instead I pleaded and made an agreement that we would call at night to check up on each other and say good night.

After 3 days of the break, I calmned myself down and had more opportunity to think about it, but now I am confused as to what to do.
I have a few options:
1. Do I continue to contact her via phone at night until the end of the break?
I mean I was the one who wanted this in the first place. Also, I called her and asked a second time two days after the initial break up to re-check if this is what she wanted. She replied, "This (contacting) could be a good idea because if things are good between us during the 10 days, it could act as a support to give the relationship a second try." However, I'm afraid that she is just doing this so that it will be easier her for her to commit to the break up. I mean she will be hearing my voice so she won't feel as lonely and bad.

2. Do I tell her that I need some space during the break?
Would NC for such a short amount of time really effective? I mean I have to contact her at the end of the 10 days to hear her final answer.

3. Do I tell her that I am accepting the break-up? (AKA. NC)
Basically I will end all contact with her and would have to strive to live my life without her. However, then what about the 10day break thing? It would mean I would have to say that there is no more a break.

4. Do I just stop calling her and only pick up when SHE calls me?



I'm confused as to what is the best option for me to make so that she would reconsider the relationship with me.

I would choose NC if we are actually broken up, but this "break" thing makes everything confusing.

By keeping in contact with her your just prolonging the inevitable , she's made up her mind and has only agreed to the 10 day thing because its what YOU wanted. The more you contact her now the more she knows she has control of the situation and the more it will push her away.

This makes her feel less guilty for breaking up with you but unfortunately the answer will be the same in 10 days.

Go strict No Contact and if its meant to be she will eventually come back. Sorry Pal but that's the way it works , we see it happen day in day out here.

Well would it still be bad even if I keep the phone conversation short? I will not be talking about the break up, but just what happened that day. I will not sound desperate and needy but just enjoying the conversation with her. I think this could show her that I don't "need" her but I just want her. I don't know if this is a good idea, but in theory seems okay. Maybe I'm just making this all up just to talk to her, but at the same time I'm also willing to do the NC.

From what I can tell, it's over. (It always amazes me how people create all sorts of new meanings for words, to hope the inevitable doesn't happen?)

Go with total NC. No phone, texting, PMing, in-person stuff.

I agree with them. NC is the way to go. Breaks *are* confusing, but moreover, the people on our side of the break will always inevitably take any little sign as false hope. Like friend4u said, if it's meant to be she'll come back. Sticking around now will do no good for either your relationship or your own emotional health.

Girls are tender creatures. They don't like to cause any kind of grief or have anyone mad at them. She is glad you want to do the conversation thing because that takes the onus off her that she wants to break up with you. Now, she thinks, you two are "friends" and she will be able to sleep at night because you won't be mad at her for breaking up. Meanwhile, mentally, she has already moved on in relationships -- maybe has a new boyfriend possibility in mind, or maybe has been asked out and wants to give him a chance.

Do you want to twist in the wind and just be her "friend"? (No, there's no hope of recapturing your previous relationship.)

I understand you guys points.
I realized this too.. NC is the only option, but what she said about the contact thing is what keeps me bothered. Would she just say that in order to make it an easier break-up?
I like to believe that she is speaking honestly, but at this moment I can't think clearly...

I think the point is that even if she is speaking honestly, you can't just give it a second try after 10 days. At least in my experience, you're going to go in circles, and only after drawing it out for months (it was four, for me), will you finally end up right back here.

And you're totally right about the not being able to think clearly. I look back now and I see that I took every little thing that happened, and didn't happen, as hope.

More importantly, you are both too close to the situation right now to have any idea what is going on. You're going to have a lot of time, later in life. Live your life for yourself, and give yourself *a lot* of time away from her. If there's really a meant-to-be, keeping in contact and keeping her in your mind now will just guarantee that you two will have no chance in the future.

Thanks. That made a lot of sense for me. I agree that it will just be a perpetual motion, resulting in exactly the same thing... sigh...

I guess there's no magical cure in my case... It's going to be extremely tough to forget her...

Yeah =). Tell me about it...

I guess we can always come here, when we're panicking and hurt. For me, it's been trying to remember that there's a big world out there and lots of things I want to do for myself. I think living for ourselves naturally lends itself to having successful relations with everyone in our lives. But I don't know... It's hard.. =).

I think that starting right now you need to give each other 30 days. Don't have any contact with her at all during those thirty days. This gives each of you the time and space to reevaluate the relationship which at this point is vital because of the consistant fighting between you. 30 days may seem like forever but it really isn't. If she contacts you during that time then that is good but keep it to 10 minutes max. Don't talk about your relationship and don't bring up the past. Smile and be pleasent. Make up an excuse to end the call within 10 minutes. You are going to let things go at her pace, when she wants to call or see you. This NC for 30 days is very powerful. There is still the chance that she will insist on a break up and move on but at this point what do you have to lose?

Don't have any contact with her at all during those thirty days. If she contacts you during that time then that is good but keep it to 10 minutes max.This NC for 30 days is very powerful.
Where's the NC if he talks with her for ten minutes every time she calls??

You can't have it both ways. You must be female. You are on her side, not his. (Read my earlier post to see why I said this.)

I am female, my picture and name should clarify that. No I am not on her side but because I am female I am giving advice that works. She initiated the break up for what ever reason so her mind at this point is completely set on not being with him. Tho she is toying with his emotions by agreeing to a break. He seems to want to continue a relationship with her, in his mind she is special enough to pursue. That being said at this point he needs to approach it in a different way if he wants to win her back for good. This works both ways if the situation was reversed. 30 days of him not contacting her but yet allowing her to come back to him easily and effortlessly. By keeping the FIRST contact with her to only 10 minutes there isn't enough time to bring up the relationship or the past and it doesn't leave any room for arguements. This allows her to feel safe in contacting him again. The following contacts can be longer if he chooses but in this whole process he is creating a better relationship with her IF that is what he wants. Which I feel that is what he wants.

This relationship was lacking communication. Communication is very important. This is why the two of you kept fighting and fighting over small things.

Breaks are usually permanent. I can't see myself being in a relationship with someone and then I tell them "I need a 10 day break". This isn't a job.

You need to stop contacting her and when she reaching out to you don't answer. Why do you have to please her and be there for her when she wants you to?

Time to start healing and not begging or living on false hope.

Life goes on and I wouldn't sit around waiting for someone to decide if they want to be with me or not. There is more fish in the sea.

Go out and have fun because she is doing the same. One thing about life is that you live and you learn. And you learn something from every relationship.

Next time don't agrue because it takes two to agrue. You can't even talk when your agruing and bad things can be said in the heat of the moment. You have to just walk away and revisit whatever the fight was about when the two of you are calm and able to talk things out in a mature,civil matter.

There are great opinions here. Some say that the hope is gone and move on which in my opinion is great advice if he feels this way deep within himself. Time will only tell and yes during this time it is vital to continue to live a full life on his own. But again there is always a way to create a better situation and environment for a successful relationship to rekindle. The choice is up to him and what he feels and if he is willing to make the necessary changes in his own self. Ive said this before many times, just as we are responsible for our own situations and we ourselves create what we are experiencing in this very moment. We CANNOT blame anyone but ourselves for the relationships and lives that we have.

I may be a bit more advanced in this knowledge then some can understand but I have devoted a good part of my life in understanding relationships, human nature, laws of attraction, a great interest in quantum physics and so much more to help myself become the master of my own life that I can share this knowledge with the world. It isn't something new, it didn't just now exist. It has nothing to do with religion or anything else. These are basic principles that have been around since time began.

What I am sharing about this particular situation is that if he BELIEVES that this woman is worth having in his life and he comes to that conclussion after he has re evaluated the situation then he can take the necessary steps to improving the situation. I have done this myself in saving my own relationship and I have helped others as well.

The relationship will never be what it was before and you don't want it to be...it was doomed and led to a break up. You are creating something better then what you had.

If you think she is worth it then there is always possibility but it starts with you.

No matter what he decides that is best for him. It is going to take work and a willingness to change. Whether it is to forget and move on or create a better relationship. Because #1-Change is evident if he does move on because he will continue to experience the same situation with a new person. #2- Change is evident if he chooses to create a better relationship with this current girl. It is not a matter of taking anyones side both parties will need to change and it starts with one. Since he is the one asking for help he will have to make the change first. If he believes in the relationship.

Punture, feel free to email me. I know that a lot of this can't really be explained in a few sentences. What ever you decide change is evident.

I am female, my picture and name should clarify that. No I am not on her side but because I am female I am giving advice that works. She initiated the break up for what ever reason so her mind at this point is completely set on not being with him. Tho she is toying with his emotions by agreeing to a break. He seems to want to continue a relationship with her, in his mind she is special enough to pursue. That being said at this point he needs to approach it in a different way if he wants to win her back for good. This works both ways if the situation was reversed. 30 days of him not contacting her but yet allowing her to come back to him easily and effortlessly. By keeping the FIRST contact with her to only 10 minutes there isn't enough time to bring up the relationship or the past and it doesn't leave any room for arguements. This allows her to feel safe in contacting him again. The following contacts can be longer if he chooses but in this whole process he is creating a better relationship with her IF that is what he wants. Which I feel that is what he wants.
You are telling him to give her permission to put him on an emotional rollercoaster ride just so she can feel "safe"?? Yes, you are on her side and yes, you are telling him to let her toy with his emotions.

The only right response to him is that he do NC 100%.

if he BELIEVES that this woman is worth having in his life
But the overwhelming evidence is that she is not.

Its not up for debate, the choices are his. He is asking for help so he is the one I am directing this too. If it were her I would tell her the same thing.

JanMarie I don't know what you mean by saying your bit more advance than most.

It isn't hard to see that communication is lacking was lacking on both ends in this relationship. Which I sure you would agree is a important factor in any relationship.

It is good that you studied human nature, laws of attraction, had a great interest in quantum physic but I didn't take those things up because if anything I know people. I've had my share of experience in life with relationships and I learned a lot from them.

The point is that now the two of them are on a break and most breaks are permanent.

Yes, he might not what to give up and want to do whatever he can to make the relationship work but it takes to people for it to work not one. He can want and want and want but the question really is what does she want.

Also, since the two of them are on a break they are free to do whatever they want includes dating other people.

I just think he shouldn't sit around waiting and living on false hope that the two of will get back together because as you know nothing in life is guarantee. So he needs to try not to let this get him down.

Also, it is best for him to keep posting his responses on here instead of personaly emailing you because I believe that is against the sites rules.

Its not up for debate, the choices are his. He is asking for help so he is the one I am directing this too. If it were her I would tell her the same thing.

Yes, it is his choice to decide whether if he is going sit around awaiting her to decide if she wants to be with him. Personally, I wouldn't sit around waiting for no one to decide if they want to be with me or not. I will make the decision easier for them by leaving.

However, it isn't his decision to whether they get back together. Basically she has the say so because he is waiting for her to decide.

Janmarie
In my opinion YOUR feeding him False hope , it seems to me he was biting on the reality hook and you come in and let him off.

Bottom line is NC is the way to go , and that's to start the healing process so he can be in a better emotional state to decide if he really wants to take her back IF that scenario occurs.

Sorry you took offence its obvious there is a misunderstanding. When you read someones posts it is best to truly read it and read it again so that you can get the full essence.

No matter what he decides he must continue to live his own life with or without her. He does not NEED to sit and await upon anyone

Everything that anyone has posted thus far is correct and traditional sound advice. I am just offering up another way of approaching the situation. Options that maybe he has not heard of before.

He also has the right to email me if he has questions, as well as post on this site. People email me all the time and if you really read my post I didn't say that he should only do that and not post here as well. I am just offering him help. If anything is against site policy it would be if someone were to ask for money. I don't do that and never will.

As far as being more advanced in knowledge I only meant in what I study. Everyone here, including you, is very knowledgable in what they know.

Don't take offence just next time really read a post and I will try to clarify a little better.

No offence taken honestly :)

Like I said just my opinion!

Janmarie
In my opinion YOUR feeding him False hope , it seems to me he was biting on the reality hook and you come in and let him off.

Bottom line is NC is the way to go , and thats to start the healing process so he can be in a better emotional state to decide if he really wants to take her back IF that scenario occurs.

True to a point, but you condemn the situation without any thought based upon what you know. I am just offering a new insight into the situation. He has a choice so give him something to choose from besides condemnation and no hope whatsoever. Healing will come from either choice but does he want to repeat the same situation again in another relationship? It is not just about healing it is about understanding and true healing comes from understanding.[COLOR]

Whether the relationship works out or not isn't really the main issue but what he learns from it will make all the difference in his life. Communication, forgiveness, understanding each other, listening and I mean really listening to the other person without getting angry will ultimately lead to a better understanding. If the relationship never goes beyond what it is at this point. The greatest lessons will be learned just by listening to another.
Maybe most of you will disagree and that is perfectly fine, but there are choices. His is to make his own choices. He is the only one who knows how he feels. We cannot judge that.

Jan I agree with you. I was actually considering posting a thread last night disagreeing with the blatant recommendation of "NO CONTACT!!!" to every single person on these forums. I find it a bit strange that there would be one blanket solution to everyone's problems. Yes no contact is a way to get over someone if you really want to, but as you mention, what about when deep down in your heart, after much consideration, you still want to be with someone? You can't just force yourself to move on.

I don't think you're feeding someone false hope, there's no reason to think that things can't somehow work out.

If you read the rules about emailing and sending private messgaes you see what I talking about.

Besides that nobody he judging him. Everyone is giving their own opinon just like your giving yours.

And yes I read what he wrote just like I read what every one else wrote. I don't have to read it 3 or more times because my advice would still be the same.

Thank you for all of your input. I really appreciate that you guys are willing to offer help and support to a person who just joined the site! For that I am extremely grateful.

What Janmarie said was the closest thing that I had in mind. My ex-g/f is definitely worth it to pursue. I've been with a few other girls before this relationship and when it didn't work out, it didn't work out. I didn't do anything to try to pursue it any further. However, I definitely saw a future with her. Now, I don't blame her for the break-up because I considered it too, but I did manage to find the problem: communication.

liz28 is absolutely correct. We lacked communication. Why? For one, my ex wanted to be "independent", "in control" and "confident." The consequence? She never showed her weak side. How am I suppose to know what is truly hurting her if she never shows? To me, it appeared all fine for her, but after the conversation during the break-up, I realized that many of the things that I did hurted her.

Now going back to Janmarie, I am willing to change myself. In fact, as I posted on my original question, I was already planning the change regardless of the break-up. That's why it hurted more... I was so determined to give it another go with a new outlook that when she refused to do so, it just crushed me even more. Think of it as this. You own a architecture firm and you designed a couple of prototypes that failed. But, by observing the failures, you made a better prototype that you thought would work. However, the sponsors all backed out saying "I don't know if that will work..."

Now to the actual situation at hand, I want to do what is best to get back with HER. Whether if she is right for me is my own decision. I truly do think my life would be better with her in it than without it. This doesn't mean I'm throwing NC out the window, but given the circumstances, I want to use the chance I have of being able to talk to her for 10 days to its fullest before NC. For the past two days, I was in a huge dilemma of whether I should call her.. but guess what.. she called me. I don't know if she called me because she missed me, but she did... (This didn't get any of my hopes up because I knew this didn't mean anything significant) I kept it short. Did not talk about the relationship, but stayed cool and told her all the stuff that I did that day WITHOUT her. (i.e working out, gym, UFC, etc.) She's also busy with preparing for a piano competition and midterms for university. Now at the end of the 10 days, if she says she wishes to break up with me, I'm going to implement 100% NC. I will move on, but I will let the door open for her to come back. Now.. I guess the argument here is then I would be keeping my hopes up that she might come back... I'm not too sure... I guess it can be a win-win situation... I will move on, which is a win, but if she comes back, I'll have her again so that's another win.

I don't know... is implementing 100% NC now or 10 days later make a huge difference?

And yes I read what he wrote just like I read what every one else wrote. I don't have to read it 3 or more times because my advice would still be the same.

Liz28 there is no need to take offense. I will clarify just a little bit more. I did not mean to re read HIS post. I felt you misread mine and misunderstood as did others. I am not opposed to your opinion like I said before it is good sound, traditional advice and if it works for you...great stick to it. But, do you know without any doubt that HE feels the same way you do? Maybe he wants options, maybe he wants to know that there is another way of seeing a situation. Maybe he might want to consider every avenue. Maybe and just maybe non traditional advice could bring him ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction. Would you deny him that option and only see it from your point of view?

I don't know... is implementing 100% NC now or 10 days later make a huge difference?

If she is making the effort to contact you and your talks are pleasant and productive then keep the lines of communication open. Continue to not talk about your relationship or any unpleasant past event. The only moment that exists is the moment of now. The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet. What you do and say in this moment will shape your future so keep your focus in the now.

If she brings up the past...don't even go there.....Do not have that conversation, politely change the subject. What I found to be most delightful is if they bring up the past or begin to apologize for one of their behaviors is to just say, "Oh, that seems kind of serious, lets not talk about that now." If you remain cool, calm and collected, it will surprise her. You will be unconsciously conveying to her the idea that the problems of the past are not insurmountable. You will have time to talk about those things weeks if not months down the road when she begins to talk more about commitment and more of a pledge to you. For now just be open and listen to her. Sometimes repeating what she said to you will cause her to believe that you are listening. She will begin to open up more to you once she believes you are truly listening.

You will let the first 2 or 3 contacts or phone calls during this time go at her pace. And that doesn't mean to sit around and wait....do things you love doing during this time. You will feel more relaxed and at ease when she does come to you.

Keep smiling while talking to her on the phone no matter how you feel at that moment. The reason I say that is because when a person smiles on the phone while they are talking to someone, the person on the receiving end can actually hear the difference in the tone of voice. When she calls she cannot see you, touch you or smell you. The only thing she has is your voice so what she hears will be magnified in importance.

The goal here with these first few calls is to change the process between you and her.

Lastly, no emotional details about your day or your life. Part of the reason she is calling you is because she misses you. If you give up to much detail, you will take away her curiosity and giving to much details at this stage will only prevent her imagination to fill in the gaps. Her imagination is the best thing you have going for you at this point.

These same instructions is exactly what I have done to change the course of my relationship and others who have used this same advice.

I am on your side and believe it or not this is putting you in control of your life.

Made a big mistake, or at least that's what I think. She called, and I just could not resist the temptation to ask her about her feelings. She said nothing has changed, but her response did change.
Last week, she said she won't even consider my plan of seeing if things could be worked out, but now she said she is willing to talk it over with me and will probably accept it. Currently she has a big piano competition next Tuesday and an university midterm on Wednesday. Partly the reason why the break was 10 days... it is the day after the exam.

Now I see a couple of problem with this that some of you will pick out. Firstly, she said "probably" meaning she could be just saying this. Secondly, it could be that she just doesn't want to deal with me NOW because it will affect her work.

She said, "I like the idea and I would probably agree to it, but right now it's too late because it would take hours to discuss it (it was 12) and I have too much things to concern for at this time.... It would be like signing a paper without reading the fine print. There's a possibility that there could be some things that I won't like in your plan, but I'm just saying that there is a greater chance that I would accept it... If you insist that I give you a definite answer, then finalizing the break-up now is the only definite answer I can give."
I asked her that she could be doing this to prevent it from affecting her competitoin and midterm, and she said, "I already caused you pain. There is no reason why I would do something that would cause you more pain just for my own benefit."

Now I feel bad.. I shouldn't have brought it up and should've waited. I can't let go of the thought that she just doesn't want to be heart broken by me telling her that I will stop talking to her, which would affect her piano competition and midterm.

I'm still not going to keep my hopes up because that's just reversing what I did. Instead, I will forget about it until Thursday where we will actually talk in depth about it.

Any feed back?

Well i am not going to judge that you made a mistake but I really can't help you if you are not going to listen. She is remaining in contact with you but you really need to get control of yourself and your emotions or you will push her away and you will not get your desired outcome. You are reacting instead of responding appropriatly. You have to not talk to her anymore about the relationship, no more drama, you want her to feel safe in keeping in contact with you. If you keep bringing up the relationship the more she is going to want to end it. You seem to be forcing the issue when you just need to relax, reflect and get control of yourself or I quarentee you will end up breaking up.

Sorry. I knew at the back of my mind that I shouldn't have done it, but it was at night, I was tired and I guess my emotion was over-whelming.
Well, I learned my lesson. There is no reason why I should keep pressuring her in any way. She already told me what she wants, and that is giving her space till Thursday, where she agreed to talk about it in detail.
Also, it is really no point in worrying on whether she is telling me the truth when she said she would probably agree to it. The reality is that nothing changed and therefore I shouldn't get my hopes up.
From now on, I will consider that this didn't happen and go on with just chatting 10-15 min when she calls, and never bring up our relationship.
Janmarie, I think you are really onto something. When I brought up the relationship, the first thing she did was to sigh. I feel that you are absolutely right in that what I did yesterday was definitely a negative in her mind and threatened the relationship status.
Well.. I guess it is lesson learnt.

I feel that you are absolutely right in that what I did yesterday was definitely a negative in her mind and threatened the relationship status.
Well.. I guess it is lesson learnt.
Yes, YOU are threatening the relationship. YOU had made an agreement and then broke it. Can she ever trust your word on ANYthing??

Yes.. I realized that as soon as I said, "I need to ask you something" and she sighed.

I guess it is my fault. What can I do now but to try my best at maintaining what I originally proposed to do.

I am really going to consider my mistake and make sure I don't do it ever again. I can't let my emotion run away like that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Like a scientist sometimes we have to test a theory to prove to ourselves without doubt that it is true. You learned and that is a positive thing.

Let her have her space. Putting a 10 day on an answer is pressure enough for her and I am a bit uneasy about that. I think the "deadline" should be lifted and I will tell you why.

Have you ever had a boss come to you and tell you that something has to be completed at "this" date and time? He gave you a deadline or else? The closer that day comes the more stressed out you become because you are not sure that it will be ready?

Relationships are no different in that aspect and there shouldn't be a deadline. If there is ever a date to be set on a relationship then it should be reserved for a wedding day.

What you want to create in your relationship is a place of peace and harmony, love and devotion. A place she would feel comfortable and confident to dive into.

My advice would be to lift the deadline, lift the pressure and give more space for love to grow. Love and relationships do take time, it can't be rushed but yet it can thrive on its own if its not pressured.

Does that make sense?

My next suggestion is to continue not talking about the relationship even if she try's to bring it up. You continue to be relaxed, happy and having a good time everytime you are with her. This is going to completely change her opinion of you. She is expecting you to talk about the relationship, she is going to expect you to put on the pressure. What if you totally surprised her and said you didn't want to talk about it right now? (Not that you won't later down the road a bit)

The goal here is to recreate the value that she saw in you at some point in the relationship that caused her to go out with you in the first place.

I don't want to overwhelm you with words but I suggest you print out what I am telling you and read it throughout the day until it sticks in your mind like glue.

You want to convey that you are a relaxed confident man. Even if you feel like you are going to die if you don't get an answer from her.

Just me, when a partner asked for a break, give it to them, and leave them alone, and get a life that you enjoy without them.

That's where the NC comes in. To allow the shock, and hurt to wear off, so you can think, and make good decisions for yourself, based on FACT and not just shocked, confused feelings.

It also keeps you from making an idiot of yourself, by begging, or appearing so needy, you forget about why she asked for the break in the first place. Not unusual, for you to feel as you do, but as you see she has accommodated you to the max, and you still have no clue what this is all about.

My guess is you're a lousy listener, and an even worse communicator, the evidence is plain, its all about getting what you want and you have never asked her what's the deal, at least you haven't shared that tidbit.

Disappear from her life, and learn to cope with your feelings in a positive way, and leave the guesses, and games for players.

That's one guy to another, and what NC s really about, ending the confusion so you can see reality.

Let me know when your ready to try it, and don't be fooled by the watered down false ones that others will sell you.

NC is good advice that should be given in a situation where there is absolutely no other options available or it is an abusive, unhealthy relationship. I would highly agree and most of the time I do.

This particular situation I feel differently but most may disagree and that is the beauty of being human and having free will.

Giving such advice in every single situation seems so limiting and not always the best for every person. I will explain why and I am in no way, insulting anyone nor their advice on this forum.

First of all, Putnure is the one who initiated the "break" not his girlfriend. He felt the need to give that to her. In this, I find a man who cares enough about her and the relationship to offer it....even though he himself really didn't want that but he also doesn't want it to turn into a break-up. At this stage we don't know if there will actually be a break up. But he is taking the necessary steps to prevent that. And each person who loves their partner should try and change the situation as best they can.

Secondly, She is contacting him. She still has very strong feelings for him if she herself hasn't let him go and moving on with her life. This in itself tells me that she is also hoping for change in the relationship and still cares about him. At this point however, she doesn't know herself what to do to bring about the changes to create the relationship that she desires with him.

But seated deep inside she hasn't let him go, she is remaining in contact with him so he needs to keep that line of communication open with her. NC at this point will hinder any progression in the direction seemingly obvious they want it to go in.

He is asking for help to save his relationship and bring about the desired outcome. Which in my experience personally and for others who I have helped bring back their love. I stand behind my advice completely. I don't expect everyone to agree or change what they believe. That is not my attention. But as you can see for yourselves that Putnure is learning from his experiences that will help in the future. Either with this relationship or others to come.

That is what free will is all about, we do have control over our destiny's.

Not meaning to bombard this discussion. But I have one very important thing to show all of you.

As you can see Punture is learning from his mistake he made earlier in losing control of himself in his last conversation with his girlfriend. He became very consciously AWARE of this. Awareness is the key. becoming aware of the things you do that produces unsatisfactory outcomes in your relationships is so important.

Some people live throughout their lives going from one relationship to another and finding that every new relationship ends up like the last. They are blindly repeating the same mistakes in each one and not even realizing it. By putnure becoming aware of his mistakes he now knows that if he continues that he is going to keep getting the same results.

Conscious awareness brings about healing and change that will ultimately produce a better relationship now and in the future.

So for anyone watching this and wondering why they keep ending up in the same situations in every new relationships can learn from this and become more aware of how they are operating in their lives.

However, about two weeks ago, we had consecutive fights which led to my girlfriend breaking up with me.


You have been ignoring some very obvious signs of someone is not happy.

But, I did manage to shift her mind from a total break up to a "break" for 10 days. After the 10 days, she would reconsider and tell me her answer. Now, she wanted a NC during this period. I should've respected this, but instead I pleaded and made an agreement that we would call at night to check up on each other and say good night.

You must have done some good begging, as she has accommodated you I feel, as a way to just get rid of you, as you don't seem to quit until you have what you want. If that matches what she wants, remains to be seen.

I also know that manipulation never works which is why you should leave this female alone, and examine your part in this break up, and the behavior that follows.

Tal is right! If you have to bargin for someone to be with you then I wouldn't want to be with that person.

If I have to sit around waiting for 10 or 30 days for someone to make up their mind to whether they want to be with me then I wouldn't want to be them.

I guess Thursday is judgement day for you and I would love to see how this play out.

As interesting as this is, I don't think trying to convince an opinion is really going to help Putnure, after all, it is about him and his situation. It's not about you or me.

It is not about being right or wrong. Putnure is the only one who knows within his being what he feels, what his heart is telling him. The choices and decisions remain his own. Neither you or I can make it for him.

But he has options, he has two ways of looking at a situation, positively or negative.

And now I am off to spend the rest of the afternoon with my beloved enjoying a boat cruise just the two of us. By the way, this is the man who "broke off our relationship", 7 months ago. I never gave up on him and "moved on." as the advice was given to me and I am so glad that I didn't take that advice. Because my relationship with him now is much stronger, much more fulfilling and satisfying. Some times you just "know" the right thing to do to create the relationship and life you deserve.

I wish that for all of you.

You have been ignoring some very obvious signs of someone is not happy.

There were some fundamental underlying issues that had to be dealt. I did read those signs and realized something had to be done. But, it was too late and took too much time when I was finally able to think about it and come up with a plausible solution. As I said... the day when I met my g/f and she broke up with me, I actually asked her to meet with me so that I can present her with my thoughts and have a good conversation about it. Apprently she thought about the same thing, but took a totally different approach than me.


You must have done some good begging, as she has accommodated you I feel, as a way to just get rid of you, as you don't seem to quit until you have what you want. If that matches what she wants, remains to be seen.
I'm not going to lie. I did beg, but that's not what caused her to go with the break. Begging did nothing, but reasoning did have a slight effect. It is clear that this was a one-sided break that hurted me, and it seemed more logical that a mutual break-up was better than what she proposed to me. She had the option of just hanging up and never picking up my phone calls, but she chose to accept my offer. However, you are right in that she could've done this just to calm me down, in which case all that is remaining is to just see how things go on Thursday.


I also know that manipulation never works which is why you should leave this female alone, and examine your part in this break up, and the behavior that follows.

I don't know if this is manipulation. It would be a manipulation to do NC just to get her back.


Tal is right! If you have to bargin for someone to be with you then I wouldn't want to be with that person.
If I have to sit around waiting for 10 or 30 days for someone to make up their mind to whether they want to be with me then I wouldn't want to be them.
This is actually one of the things that is helping me getting over her. It hurts my pride to do this and feel like being toyed around. However, I love her, and I think I can sacrifice my pride in order to save this relationship.


I guess Thursday is judgement day for you and I would love to see how this play out.
I guess so...

@Janmarie: have a wonderful time with your loved one. I hope my relationship could be given a chance to follow a similar path as yours.

Also, she called me again today just to tell me about a funny site as she was taking a break from her math studying... I remember her telling me yesterday that she won't be calling today because of how busy she was... I don't know if she is just making up excuse to call me, or she is just lightening up the mood for the bad news coming up in a few days... I don't know... (btw.. I don't have caller ID, so I don't know who is calling).

Thank you Putnure, I had a wonderful time. I am noticing a wonderful, calming change in you. That is great and your awareness of the situation is going to help you no matter what happens.

Be a friend to her, stop doubting yourself. You are going to be just fine.

I wish you the best of luck! :)

I don't know if this is manipulation. It would be a manipulation to do NC just to get her back.



No Contact is a start to the healing process, not a strategy to get some one back, that is manipulation.

Nc, but only to heal. Personally, I think you manipulated her into this whole "break" thing and after 10 days, she's hoping you will go away.

I don't think she is just hoping for him to just go away. If that were true she wouldn't be making the calls to him.

We don't know the complete details of their entire relationship so we don't know if it can't be fixed. What they seem to be having a problem with is the "fighting." and no it is not normal to fight with each other everyday in a relationship but it is easily "fixed." Basically it is their ego's with different views on things and each ego wants to be "right."

As long as she is making the effort to keep in contact with him, he should keep the lines open.

She doesn't make the calls to him, she wanted NC, he pushed for the calls at night to cure his own loneliness, he is just delaying the inevitable

Do I continue to contact her via phone at night until the end of the break?
I mean I was the one who wanted this in the first place. Also, I called her and asked a second time two days after the initial break up to re-check if this is what she wanted. She replied, "This (contacting) could be a good idea because if things are good between us during the 10 days, it could act as a support to give the relationship a second try." However, I'm afraid that she is just doing this so that it will be easier her for her to commit to the break up. I mean she will be hearing my voice so she won't feel as lonely and bad.



4. Do I just stop calling her and only pick up when SHE calls me?

He is doing the work it appears.

I still don't know her reasons for wanting a break? Is it because she had exams and she had to practice for her music thing?

I went to colege, had a boyfriend, had a child, and a full time job and I never asked for a break. It just that when I had to study for exams I didn't want to be bother and my boyfriend respected and understood that. Sometimes he would just stopped by to bring me snacks and give me his well wishes and leave.

Her wanted a break have nothing to do with exams. What is going happen when she get exams again?

Believe me when I say she already knows her decision but she is just making you sweat and wait for it. NC is the way to go.

You all are awesome and have awesome advice for trying to help someone "Get over" someone. That is without doubt that I say that.

But there is a "But" here just as in all things there is always that question, "What if?"

Everything that I have read on this site, every situation, every basic problem, every question, always gets the same answer. Why even come here and ask a question if the only advice given is, "Move on, forget about them, you deserve better, you need to start the healing process and BY GOD! NC!"

I can get that advice from my mother.

Now a lot of the questions asked here does warrant that advice big time especially the one about the lady in love with the drug user. I have even given the NC advice because that was a very unhealthy situation for her and her girls.

But

Some situations need a new option then NC and a new healing process that is far easier and less miserable then absolute NC. Seriously, how many of you who looking back at a relationship of yours that wasn't all that bad, wasn't abusive or unhealthy, but had a few minor problems, hurts, fights, etc. But you really didn't want to lose that person from your life completely. Would you have been willing to do a few simple things to change that situation? To change yourself?


What if there were another way? Would you have at least wanted to know about it? And OMG what if you actually tried it and found out for yourself how much easier it is and how much better you felt about yourself, your life?

And even if you never did get your "love" back, but yet you became so aware of your old programming and realized how you have been operating in relationships, that you can now fully enter into a new one completely capable of sustaining a loving, healthy, and happy relationship with someone new and completely compatible with you. Wouldn't that have been worth your time?

I would feel lucky to have such a choice if I didn't know that there was any other way

I am not going to say anything more about this subject. It seems there are people wanting to prove that they are right. I don't need to prove that. Choose the NC and see how that works for ya. You know how to contact me if you are searching for options.

Good luck

Puncture,

Hope things work/are working out. I think I (and others) mean NC as a way of moving on, of healing after a painful time. When I said that keeping in contact now would only guarantee that you two would have no chance in the future, I only meant that we have a tendency to say hurtful things and/or not see things clearly when we are 'caught up in the moment,' and so it's helpful sometimes to take a step back.

I certainly can understand how sometimes things are worth it. I guess it's just important to know that just because it's worth it to you and you're willing to make it work, that's sometimes not enough if she doesn't want it, and there's nothing you can do about it. Also, sometimes when we're this close to things, we'll see hope where there isn't actually any.

But! If I thought there was hope, false or not, and I knew that it might turn out painfully, and knew the consequences, and still thought it was worth it, then I don't think I could just give up either. We've all got to sleep at night, and leaving what ifs isn't any way to go either.

So, know that will alone isn't enough, and know that you might not be seeing things clearly, and if it's something you've got to do anyway, then man, go for it =), that's what I think. I really really hope it turns out well.

I finally got the chance to talk to my g/f about it.
Because her phone broke, we had to resort to MSN, which was absolutely horrible. It was slow and very inefficient. Basically, in order to convey each other's message, we had to concentrate on typing, not reading what the other person was saying. Realizing that there was now a HUGE miscommunication, I decided that we had to meet in person if we were to have a real conversation.
I drove an hour and met her. We went to a restaurant and we had a real nice long talk. There was no miscommunication and she understood everything I said. Then we went to a beach by the sunset and talked some more.
What she had in mind was that around her, there were many on-and-off relationships where she didn't understand why they would do that. She believed that if a relationship becomes on-and-off, there was no point in pursuing it. Therefore, by giving me a chance, in essence, she was going against her values (so to speak).
Now, I understand where she is coming from, but I thought she was being quite closed minded, because there are many people like Janmarie who have succeeded in having a good relationship in the end. However, because I had to respect her opinion, I suggested that then we should try again, but if she doesn't like it at any point, she was free to just finalize the break-up, and I would not stop her.
Now, I know what you guys are thinking... If I stopped her the first time, what's keeping me from stopping her again. To be honest, right now I have taken the power and given it completely to her. There is nothing that I can do from now on, except showing her the possibility that our relationship can be successful. Plus, this time the thought of the breakup will be constantly on my mind and hopefully be more prepared for it mentally.

She asked questions like, "So, basically after 1 day, if I don't like it then we can break up? And you will become my friend?" Which made think maybe she just wants me to be her friend after the break-up. Hell.. if she is that manipulative, then that's supporting me more for the break-up. So, right now all I have to do is do my best and wait if she will be satisfied with the way things are turning up.

Now, some good news is this. After the date at the beach, we went to her place to just chill together. She was quite cold and seemed to be in a bad mood. So I tried to be affectionate, but she said "I'm not in the mood. I mean.. we got back together couple of hours ago... I'm not used to this anymore." So, we just watched TV for a while and I just held her hand. After watching TV, it was late and so she got ready to go to bed and I prepared to leave. I left, but I forgot my car key so came back. I decided to give her a good night kiss, half-expecting her to say no. But, she accepted it and basically we had a nice intimate session. So, it ended in a good note, but I'm not too sure how things will be today and in the future.

From this, I realized that basically she was just holding her emotion for the entire time we were watching TV. When I left, she probably felt sad and probably missed me. But when I came back to get my keys, she wasn't expecting that and was left with her guard down, allowing her to open up towards me emotionally.
Perhaps, today, she will realize that she shouldn't have done that and might act cold again. But, now I know that she still has feelings for me, and I think that's a good thing.

Just me, I can't see wanting another chance with someone, who didn't want it as much as I did.

Ain't that much love in the world to make me wait for someone to give me something that they obviously don't feel.

Your love has you blinded.

Sex doesn't always mean she has feelings for you, it could be just a release.

If the issues that broke you up to begin with aren't addressed, then it won't work out.

Also, I'm with Tal, if someone is already talking about "if it fails" stuff, I'm out. I'm better than that

Just me, I can't see wanting another chance with someone, who didn't want it as much as I did.
Ain't that much love in the world to make me wait for someone to give me something that they obviously don't feel.

Your love has you blinded.

I have nothing to say to this because you are correct. Only more foolish attempts will hopefully allow me to see things truthfully and help me break this love-blindedness.


Sex doesn't always mean she has feelings for you, it could be just a release.

If the issues that broke you up to begin with aren't addressed, then it won't work out.

Also, I'm with Tal, if someone is already talking about "if it fails" stuff, I'm out. I'm better than that
I have a hard time believeing that she can have sex just for her own feelings. Why? Because she doesn't have much sex drive. When we went out, we barely had sex (although we did do other sexual stuff) because a) she is really scared of pregnancy (even if I wear condom) yet refuses to take birthcontrol because it could ruin her body. b) she just doesn't like sex. This is not just with me... it was with her previous b/f too.

So for her to act this way, in a way is a release, but she wouldn't do it with anybody unless she has feelings for that person. I don't know I hope you understand this.

All the issues have been addressed. I really took my time to get everything down. It's just a matter of whether she has the motivation to go for it one more time. As of now, she has very little.

I called her today to say good morning and to see if she wanted to see me. As expected, she sounded very cold and said she couldn't meet me because she already made plans from before. Apparently, she is booked all weekend... I guess she is still putting some distance between us and that tells me she isn't putting her full effort. Well, I just casually said that it was okay and maybe next time. I felt bad, but what can I do.. I can't force her to change her mind so quickly... I decided to take it slow... hopefully she will start to open up more.

I would advise you not to hold your breath, while you take it slow, and wait until she sees things your way.

Let us know how that works for you.

My head hurts from this epic saga, and I'm not even the one who keeps running into the wall. I can't even imagine how your head feels.

It's obvious she's not interested in working things out. She just wants to make you her back up plan for when she's lonely. Hope you enjoy riding the bench while she keeps calling up new players to play on her field. Don't worry though, eventually you'll pitch hit for an inning again

You just going to have to learn the hard way because I already know what way this is heading.

My head hurts from this epic saga, and I'm not even the one who keeps running into the wall. I can't even imagine how your head feels.
This I agree... it feels like there's one obstancle after another to get this thing happening. Perhaps much harder than anticipated.



It's obvious she's not interested in working things out. She just wants to make you her back up plan for when she's lonely. Hope you enjoy riding the bench while she keeps calling up new players to play on her field. Don't worry though, eventually you'll pitch hit for an inning again

Well, I don't think she is doing it because she is lonely... but perhaps because I'm so insistence.

Anyway, any tips on how to try to get her to open up? I'm planning on just asking occasionally if she wants to go on a date or just hangout, and if she declines then I won't pursue it any further. I'll just ask her again later. I don't want her to feel negative toward this approach and end up telling me that she can't do it anymore. I want to probe and poke her just enough to see if she is willing to open up a bit, and if she isn't, then stop.
Also, I was thinking that perhaps roses and a nicely writte letter could help me here. Since she is saying that there is not enough time to go on a proper date, I can go to her house at night and just pass her the letter and the flowers. Quick meeting that really doesn't take much time. I think this won't offend her because technically we are still going out and I mean a boyfriend can prepare a surprise for her girlfriend right?
I know this could be cheesy, but I also thought of putting candles around me in a heart shape and me stand inside with the flowers and reading her the letter.
I just want to do something that will evoke her emotions. Perhaps reminding her of our earlier days (where I did such cheesy things).

By keeping in contact with her your just prolonging the inevitable , she's made up her mind and has only agreed to the 10 day thing because its what YOU wanted. The more you contact her now the more she knows she has control of the situation and the more it will push her away.

This makes her feel less guilty for breaking up with you but unfortunately the answer will be the same in 10 days.

Go strict No Contact and if its meant to be she will eventually come back. Sorry Pal but thats the way it works , we see it happen day in day out here.
ELF5905
I agree no contact I'm a women the worst thing you can do is be BUG-ABOO that will turn any women off

This I agree... it feels like there's one obstancle after another to get this thing happening. Perhpas much harder than anticipated.



Well, I don't think she is doing it because she is lonely... but perhaps because I'm so insistence.

Anyways, any tips on how to try to get her to open up? I'm planning on just asking occasionally if she wants to go on a date or just hangout, and if she declines then I won't pursue it any further. I'll just ask her again later. I don't want her to feel negative toward this approach and end up telling me that she can't do it anymore. I want to probe and poke her just enough to see if she is willing to open up a bit, and if she isn't, then stop.
Also, I was thinking that perhaps roses and a nicely writte letter could help me here. Since she is saying that there is not enough time to go on a proper date, I can go to her house at night and just pass her the letter and the flowers. Quick meeting that really doesn't take much time. I think this won't offend her because technically we are still going out and I mean a boyfriend can prepare a surprise for her girlfriend right?.
I know this could be cheesy, but I also thought of putting candles around me in a heart shape and me stand inside with the flowers and reading her the letter.
I just want to do something that will evoke her emotions. Perhaps reminding her of our earlier days (where I did such cheesy things).

Man you are coming across so needy your going to push her away further , we've told you what to do and that is give her the space she asked for. You didn't even give her the 10 days that she only agreed to to apease you. The more you push her the more she'll pull away. Keep some dignity and go NC.

You are going over board with this romance thing this is 2009 men don't to that anymore either she wants you or she don't you should relax wait until she comes around I agree with previous email you are to needy let up!

Man you are coming across so needy your going to push her away further , we've told you what to do and that is give her the space she asked for. You didn't even give her the 10 days that she only agreed to to apease you. The more you push her the more she'll pull away. Keep some dignity and go NC.

When you go NC, do you tell that person that you would want to end all contact with her, essentially forever?
For example, she said that, "can I call you if I really miss you and if I something to tell you?" and I said no... and that I needed time to sort all of these and move on.
Obvious implication of this is... perhaps at one point, she might be willing to give me a call to let me know that she would discuss about the relationship again, but realized that I said that and decides not to?

I'm not having a false hope here. Trust me... there is a reason why I told her to not contact me FOREVER. However, that doesn't mean that if she is serious about getting back together, then I would want her to let me know so that at that time I can make a better decision.

See you should've listen to us from the beginning because I already knew what the outcome was going be.

You say your not living on false hope but you are because you don't want to let go.

Let say you go NC and start your healing. 9 months from now you done healed and starting something with someone new. Then out of the blue she calls you and is ready to discuss your relationship will you listen and run back to her?

NC is for you not her. If she is lonely then she must find ways to deal with it. Your hurting and you don't need to hear about her life and what is new and don't even agree to this. This is just another part of her game and her way of having you around as her lifeboat.

People especially females know how much you care for them and when and how to use it to their advantage. She knows you still love and care for her and would most likely do anything for a second chance.

So don't partially go NC completely go NC. It is the only way unless you wanted stay stuck.

See you should've listen to us from the begining because I already knew what the outcome was going be.

You say your not living on false hope but you are because you don't want to let go.

Let say you go NC and start your healing. 9 months from now you done healed and starting something with someone new. Then out of the blue she calls you and is ready to discuss your relationship will you listen and run back to her?

NC is for you not her. If she is lonely then she must find ways to deal with it. Your hurting and you don't need to hear about her life and what is new and don't even agree to this. This is just another part of her game and her way of having you around as her lifeboat.

People especially females know how much you care for them and when and how to use it to their advantage. She knows you still love and care for her and would most likely do anything for a second chance.

So don't partially go NC completely go NC. It is the only way unless you wanted stay stuck.

Thank you for your consistently well-thought advices.
I have implemented complete NC, but right now, I have no intention of turning her down if she does come back because I want to be in the relationship.

However, if she doesn't come back to me fast enough, I will move on. As you say, after 9 months, I would have moved on ahead and would have something new going on for me. If she comes back to me then... I would have to reject her (unless she is starting fresh with me). For example, I would have to reject her if she comes back saying, "I was an idiot 9 months ago... let's have a go at this again." Unless I still have a strong feelings for her, I would say no... On the other hand, if she approaches me as almost a stranger, getting to know me again, then I would have no problem seeing if my feelings for her would develop again.

It all depends on my state of mind at the moment. But for now, I'm going ahead with NC.

These are red flags as to where your feelings are at, they show you haven't started the healing process, and overcome the shock of the break up.


I have no intention of turning her down if she does come back because I want to be in the relationship.



she might be willing to give me a call to let me know that she would discuss about the relationship again, but realized that I said that and decides not to?**


Recognize these are subtle forms of false hope. Leaving the back door open so to speak, and will slow your healing down, or sabotage the whole process.

Its amazing that for the most part, after you have healed, and rebuilt your life, I doubt seriously if you will want to go back, or want her back as a romantic interest..

** this is just fear.

Got to spread it Tal, but that's exactly what happened with me(if the OP needs proof) I moved on, healed and finally got to living my life the way I want. She came back asking for another chance, I was already with someone(now my fiance) and things couldn't be better

Your age - 20?

The best solution for a break-up isn't getting back together, or wanting someone to 'take you back'. It's a sales pitch for all the lonely hearts out there who just want to end the pain and not learn from the experience.

That is not the best solution and when you have gained some life experience you will understand that it definitely isn't the answer for a lot of relationships. Continuing dysfunction is not a solution.

Face reality.Its over.The 10 day thing was just a way to have to not see you. She was hoping that you won't call.If she wants 10 days that's so stupid.She doesn't want you.Dont call and get on with your life.Did you ever hear the old sayng that there are many fish in the sea.Find someone that really cares about you and that wants to be with you all the time.

It's been 10 days since the break-up.
I've been keeping myself busy by exercising and hanging out with my friends. I was able to get in touch with some of my "girl" friends that I lost contact of.

I'm not sure if it is right for me to start dating again. I have the urge to move on, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I go out with someone, it would be more like a rebound...

Any suggestions as to what I should be doing right now?

Don't start dating till you're sure you're ready but that don't mean don't communicate with girls. Keep them around as friends for now. Try get to know but don't jump the gun

It's been 10 days since the break-up.
I've been keeping myself busy by exercising and hanging out with my friends. I was able to get in touch with some of my "girl" friends that I lost contact of.

I'm not sure if it is right for me to start dating again. I have the urge to move on, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I go out with someone, it would be more like a rebound...

Any suggestions as to what I should be doing right now?

Elf... I suggest you move on there was a reason why you broke up the 1st time don't waste your time. Leave the past in the Past! Take it from me I have experience I would not them again that's Dead weight! THere is someone better

I'm not sure if it is right for me to start dating again.


Dates with expectations of romance and connection- No, your not ready.

Dates for fun and friendship- Now that's a lot different, and highly recommended.

Actually they are the same, its your attitude going in, that makes the difference.

Thanks talaniman.

You know.. after concentrating on one woman for 2 years, it is quite hard to approach new girls and try to get to know them. Sigh... It's kind of sad... lol

Don't see it as sad, take it as a challenge to be a more social person, and gain some personal skills. Its never easy to make adjustments, but start with what you like to do, and go from there.

Its easier to get to know people who have the same interests as you do, that applies to men or woman. Don't make it about your needs to have someone, as far as females go, but just see them as someone to know, and learn about.

I think you will find out a lot you didn't know about yourself.