I, like many here, am trying to tough through some hard times. Reading these threads though, and the advice given, even if not directed specifically at me, has been tremendously helpful. A lot of times, it just feels (after the hundredth time or whatever) that venting to friends gets old, and I worry that they feel it's getting old. They're probably actually okay with it, but *I'm* tired of it, at least. Anyway, I read these when I come across a bad day, and there're some specific threads I reread because I sympathize particularly with them.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I just felt some thanks were in order, because you've all really been of a lot of help, even if you didn't know it. I don't even know if everybody who's posted (that I've read) is still here (there're a few from like 2007). I guess to single one out that stands out in my memory right now (out of many), is Talaniman. I guess I just wanted to express my thanks to everybody, somehow, and hopefully, maybe I can share a little and help out others going through the same as me.

I guess sharing a little about me is probably fair, and maybe it would do me some good too. This has already gotten a little long, so maybe I'll go into the whole story some other time. I do have a story from just tonight:

On Facebook, there's this game called 'farm town'. Now, I've already initiated NC, and my ex and I aren't friends on Facebook, but I'm still friends with her cousin, who I happen to play farm town with. I know this might be a little bending of the NC, but I didn't feel it was fair to her cousin or me to break off a friendship, and her cousin doesn't get along that well with my ex anyway. So the cousin knows well enough not to give me news, and when she talks about my ex, it's only her own gripes and peeves.

Her cousin had given me her (the cousin's) Facebook password, because on the game you can harvest the crops of friends, and it's a mutually beneficial arrangement (you both receive more money). Now I'm not crazy enough to go stalking, but as I'm loading the app on her cousin's account, Facebook has the 'friends that are playing farm town' list. There's my ex. With her profile picture. Of her, and her ex boyfriend (who she left me to be with), smiling.

So.
Not.
Smooth.

It's nowhere as near as bad as some of the stories I've read here (although I do have worse stories for you all, sometime perhaps), but still. You think you're doing all right. And then something stupid like that comes along.

Damn you Farm Town!

That sounds pretty painful. My ex left someone to be with me too, I would be pretty hurt if they got back together. Here I am hoping she'll come back to me when maybe she's going back to him! I doubt it but that would be crappy to find out.

This is exactly why I don't go on myspace or Facebook. I'm just too afraid of what I might see out there, it's too soon for me.

I do not want to have a bomb drop on me, looking at something that would crush me in a second.

Yeah, I need to fight my habbit of checking her MySpace. It's a private page so all I can see is her default pic, mood, and status, but even that is enough to break me down if she updates it with something bad. I've been lucky so far and haven't seen anything too bad, but I'm just welcoming the inevitable when one day I will see something I don't want to.

This is why I have always said, those social networking sites are the devil. My advice, stay away from them. Plain and simple

Facebook = SUCKS

Drama caused and drama ensued. Just de-friend your ex, block her page or whatever you have to do. Trust me, you can get into a lot of trouble playing around with Facebook, and YES, curiosity has killed this cat on several occasions.

Until you can be reminded of your ex without it hurting AT ALL, you shouldn't be putting yourself in situations where it could happen. I know you are friends with the cousin, but you need to realize that blood is thicker than anything else. Relationships can change; family can't.

I know it's rough. I was friends with my ex's sister, and we used to talk on Facebook now and then. But, when it comes to it, the family is always going to support your ex. It's better that you end it now, at least until you can move on without it hurting you to see a simple picture change.

~ Tee

Thanks for the comments. I think one important thing is definitely that it's up to me to keep myself out of trouble; no one else can do it for me. Maybe it's a good thing I had gotten to a point where I had forgotten to watch out for things like this. Then again, maybe I didn't, and a little part of me knew something like this was bound to happen. My mind has been messing with me quite a lot, lately...

Anyway, that's the end of farm town, and Facebook as well. Only I have the power to take care of my own emotional well-being, right?

It's really stupid though, in a way. I mean we have so many mutual friends (all from college), and they're my friends too... I've been hanging out with old friends from home and before college, but I'm going back to school and I'm living with some of these mutual friends (plans made before the break-up), and I know it's just going to come back and bite me. I'll have chances to make new friends, and I can always just concentrate on my studying... it's just... so stupid. I'll see a mass email inviting people to some event from a mutual friend, and I have to stop my eyes from wandering and looking for her email address among the recipients. I just want to ask myself like, 'dude... what's wrong with you... ' Why do you enjoy torturing yourself.

I mean, I guess there's nothing much to do about it (particularly the living situation, and I also don't want to just stop being friends with everyone). I guess I'm just venting. It feels so stupid.

This is why I have always said, those social networking sites are the devil. My advice, stay away from them. Plain and simple

I agree completely. It was to easy to play games on those sites. This cat has also been killed by reading bulletins on myspace and it really sucked.

And for those who start dating someone new, don't invite that person to be friends with you on Facebook. Because if it doesn't work out you don't have to worry about seeing that person on Facebook and all the stupid head games that go along with breakups.

A lot of times it's helpful for me to read other people's experiences here, because I know I'm not alone in what has happened to me. It's actually eerie sometimes, it's like some feelings and stories are word for word what I feel. I thought I'd put my story out there, and a little of what I think I've learned, for both my benefit, and any others who are interested.

My ex and I were together for about a year and half. The first 3-5 months were probably pretty normal; we spent every waking moment together, and practically lived together (I stayed over at her place pretty much every night [warning sign?]). In the spring semester, I went abroad to Shanghai, to study. We made it through okay, although there were probably a few bumps in the road. Afterwards, she came to Shanghai (her choice!), and we lived together, working, until about the end of 2008, when we came back to the States (we couldn't stand China, her especially, and I was having trouble finding a full-time job). We went long-distance again, she went home, and so did I.

About a month in, she tells me she needs to take a break. I'm shocked, but we talk for a long time, and eventually, part, and I think I dealt all right with it. I had every intention to let it go and see where it took us. BUT, did not go no contact. In my mind I guess I still thought we could be friends and there for each other, and this came back to bite me as the next day, she said she was worried she made a huge mistake and wanted to get back together. Of course I said yes, I was crazy about her, although I said we should probably take it slow. I probably did not take it slow, and probably within a few days was acting like nothing had happened.

A month later, the same thing happened. I didn't talk to her for a weekend (went on a camping trip); she had been texting and writing me emails, stuff like 'I just want everything to be okay,' and eventually at the end of the weekend, I talked to her again, and we had a long talk, and we got back together.

Nope. I was mistaken. We had not actually gotten back together, and we were on a break, for about a month, before I talked to her, and found out in passing. She had been confused why I was still acting like nothing had happened, and I was hurt and shocked that *apparently* we had been on a break. I told her I couldn't take it, and we broke it off, for good. Sort of.

Another month in, I found out we had both been accepted to the same graduate school. I had been talking to her, not often, maybe once every week or two (still somehow thinking that we could be friends [and probably also thinking we could get back together]), and so I had called her, to congratulate her, and figure out if I wanted to go to the same school (I had also been accepted somewhere else). She told me I probably shouldn't; I would have a harder time letting go of her. Finally, I get her to tell me that she just doesn't feel the same way about me as I did about here.

So that's the end of it, right? For her, at least. As far as I go, I do okay, but don't really go full NC (as I don't really know about it yet, and am doing it only because it seemed like the thing to do). Two mistakes: one, I txted her Happy Birthday, and the second, I was still friends with her on Facebook.

This (on facebook) is where I found out she had gone to Japan for about two weeks, to visit her ex-bf (who she hadn't been talking to while we were together, before we came back to the States), probably about a week after the last time we spoke. Suddenly, things begin to make a whole lot more sense.

I had always gotten angry with her over the four months it took us to break up for not being clear enough for me. She probably could have been more clear about things, but of course I hung on too long and helped dragged it out too. It's one of those things (I guess a lot of us probably know), where we still have hope, and are deluded into thinking that it's something that is worth fighting for, when in reality, there's nothing left there to fight for any more.

I have no proof they're actually together, and it probably doesn't matter too much. It's none of my business anyway. But a lot of things do make more sense (for example, she had mentioned once, during that first break-up, that she was worried she would never feel the same way she did for me as she did for her ex-bf). My guess is that they started talking after we both went home (which I had always been very supportive of), and she realized she still had feeling for him, or something. This is a guy she went out with during high school, through probably about 9 months before we got together. They had been in an 'open' relationship, which is to say there had been lots of drama, and hurt, (apparently one time, while she was home, they went to the same party, but instead of hanging out, he went and slept with some other girls). I guess as a mutual friend described it, 'when it was good it was really good (although I thought we had it really good too... ), and when it was bad it was really bad." I don't know if any of that is relevant, I don't know the guy, and this is probably just to make me feel a little better.

She had always been the type to 'sow her wild oats' before me, and never felt like she could be in a monogamous relationship. Anyway. She was happy (I thought). I was definitely happy. She acted like she was very happy. But she told me near the end that she had only been pretending because she felt like that's what she was supposed to do, and I didn't know her as well as I thought. I probably didn't.

I don't blame her. It just hurts. I can tell you a few things I've seen that I would do differently the next time.

For one, she was the center of my world. Lived for her, would do anything for her, and I showed it. I don't mean we shouldn't know or express that someone is important to us, just that there's a difference between living your life for someone and sharing your life with someone. I think it puts a lot of pressure on the other, and in a way, it's a cop-out, because you're putting a lot of the responsibility on the other. You have to be your own person, and it's too much to ask for them to be their own person *and* your own person.

An easy one is that we went too fast in the beginning. She called it our honeymoon phase. *I* think we were happy, but more importantly, I think it's important not to rush to that happiness. It's also possible it was just new and exciting, and when we got to the next, boring, phase of our relationship, it just wasn't working out for us.

Oh. I don't know about other people's experiences. But in mine, long-distance fails miserably. I thought we were going to be okay because we had done it once before. I just don't know if it's a great idea in general, anymore.

And yes, it probably makes a lot more sense why she didn't like China and wanted to go home (although I'm pretty sure she just didn't like it in general, and that probably didn't help "us" as well, and maybe my job situation wasn't that appealing either. Who knows.) I have a tendency (that really hurts) to keep on going back and over-analyzing things.

Here we're probably getting to the good stuff. Did not go NC. Huge mistake. She was unsure, which I took (because I was in love and crazy) to mean that I had to try and fix things and try and stay in contact and show here I could be a good friend. She, on the other hand, was probably just dealing with conflicting feelings, and needed space.

Another, is that we (the ones getting broken up with) definitely don't see everything for what it is. I still don't think she was being very clear (in fact this part kills me), and she probably could have done things to help me out a little better, especially in the beginning, (like just told me 'my feelings have changed,' or 'i don't want to be with you right now'), but things are probably never that clear, and she was probably trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to tell me exactly that. (I wish she had broken off all contact with me, but that is probably too much to ask for too). I thought, with my crazy in love glasses on, that her hesitance and uncertainty was hope, and that was a killer.

Please don't think I mean to say I think it was her fault (the horrendous long vague breakup). Of course I wish she could have been blunt and said 'hey it's over I've changed my mind,' but I know it doesn't always work like that, and I probably wasn't seeing things for what the were (like I probably took that first change-of-heart too seriously for too long).

What kills me is probably the fact that I don't know if she was ever happy with me. I have all these memories and she always seemed so happy, and now it's like I was deluded or in an alternate reality the whole time.

I've started to ramble a little bit. I guess there's mostly the two points. Don't make her the center of your world. It's a fine line, one that I don't fully understand yet, but it's possible (and wise) to live your life to the fullest, for you, *and* have your loved one live it with you (or vice versa). It's probably what happens when two people are right for each other.

The other, is that when we're in love, we don't see things straight. You think she's vague and doesn't know what she wants, she just doesn't want to feel like a bad person and tell you she loves someone else (again, all speculation on my part, but it would make a lot of sense, and it makes it easier for me to move on, so I'm going with it. The important part is that she doesn't want to be with you anymore (which she never said directly! Argh! Hah, I know, I know, unable to read between the lines).

Oh. And go NC. Duh. Maybe she is just uncertain. Maybe she does really love you. But there's nothing for you to fix. Nothing for you to 'make better'. She doesn't need you to stick around and be her friend. If you two will be friends, or more, you'll have plenty of time to do it later (or risk, like me, ultimately really hating her, even though you don't want to).

I don't mean these things will hold true for everyone. This is just my story, and my experiences, which was very therapeutic for me to write out (I'm actually a little scared, that somebody I know, or her, will somehow come across this and recognize the story, but I guess it's something I felt I needed to do). If you managed to get through this long long post (and wow it really was long... ) to here: Thanks for reading.

My ex was a lot like that, I couldn't tell what was going on with her. I never knew if she was happy with me either.

But at least there is more to life than just girl friends and relationships, much more.

Take care brother, when I have more time I'll read more deeply into all this and maybe have something better to say.

I will say this, learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself, Know yourself, and finally be yourself.

May peace and kindness be with you.

You're welcome, and thanks for the good read. I'm glad that you learned from it all :) Your story sounds very similar to my most recent relationship. Like you, I posted a wall of text, and felt a hundred times better after getting it all out.

~ Tee

Thanks for the support. It really did feel a little better, to just type type type away...

I hope I've learned something. All of it is just stuff I've read on these threads. They've been a blessing, for me; the panic starts rising in my chest (and this happens, all the time... ), and I come on here and I read, and I know I'm not alone. I just hope I actually believe and incorporate these lessons, and not just 'know' them. Guess we'll see.

I thought it'd be better to respond to you on your own thread.

We've all had the tendency to drag out a breakup. Almost everyone in this forum had that problem; thus, the reason why they come here in the first place. Sometimes, we're just not ready to let our ex go. We feel like we still have unfinished business. We still feel like we have another shot.

Most of us learn from experience, learn from our mistakes. It's just part of life. As long as we don't repeat our mistakes in the future.

As for dragging out the extra 4 months. It's not too late to be friends. You'll just have to start NC later than usual, but at least you're starting. Maybe in the future, (months, years) when both of you are completely over the breakup, you can talk again. But until that day, NC.

Why?. :(

To remove false hope. Dramas. Breakups/makeups, etc...
Try to force issues we already know, but deny.

Breaks usually mean "I wanna breakup, but dont wanna hurt you"

Prolongs false hope for anything romantic.

Thank you for typing away :), and sharing your story. Many of the elements of your story is like mine, and I am sure many other folks here. The lessons you learned are great.
I think expecting your partner to be straight forward on as important an issue as breaking up, or change of feelings is not unrealistic. But don't beat yourself up too much for not reading between the lines. When my ex began to talk like yours about feelings, etc, I knew something was up, and asked her very straight forward simple questions, and she still did not give me a clear answer. It is the weakness of their personality. My ex did not want to confront any serious issue in life, she was completely scared of any argument, or serious discussion (a huge red flag that should have sent me running in the first place). So even with very straight questions, I still had no clear answer, and things dragged on.
Take care yourself brother, and good luck in grad. School.

Very true. LIT75.

"a huge red flag that should have sent me running in the first place"

Sometimes we learn that after the fact.

I forgot to add that "breaks" also can mean: Im too much of a wuss to deal, or better yet, not emotionally together enough to be honest.

It takes two.

Wow, it's been a while. Posted this more than a year ago? Got a message in my email today telling me someone had responded. But I figure these threads really did help a lot when I was down, and it helped a lot knowing other people had gone through the same thing, and gotten out okay, so I'll write a quick update.

1st year in grad school is over with. I'm currently studying like mad (although not as much as I should be... ) for my qualifying exams in the fall. Things are... really great. I remember this girl was something that I couldn't stop thinking about, but now, she hasn't crossed my mind in the longest time until I got that email. Too many things to do =).

So, I guess what everyone says here is true. You will heal, you won't feel like this forever. And as far as I remember these are all things you probably know already, but it doesn't help, because you still feel horrible. And that's probably the worst of it: it's really just a matter of time.

So keep busy. Do the NC thing. And one day you'll probably see that it's a big big world out there, and this was just one part of your life. I wouldn't say I'm completely over everything, but I'm very slowly getting there, and I'm at the point where it doesn't matter anymore, if that makes sense. Met someone great. Life is going great. Things are good =).

Hang in there!

Just love it when it DOES get better.