Martian536
May 20, 2009, 12:13 AM
Hi All,
I've read all the similar posts.. and basically I do understand what I need to do and I'm hoping Im doing the right thing.. Anyway, my fiancée and I have been together for over 8 years.. this past January, we got engaged and she said yes to marry me..
Anyway, a history about us.. she just turned 27 and I am 29.. We got together when she first moved out on her own at 18 and I was 20... Basically in the beginning of our relationship, she shattered my trust.. a few weeks after we were first dating, I dropped her off to fly back to her hometown.. she was a virgin at that time... then she came back after the weekend and things continued as normal.. fast forward to 2 months or so later, we finall got intimate.. at that moment of intimacy, I'm not sure how it happened.. I think I asked her if she was still a virgin and to my shocking surprise, she said she wasn't... she had given it up to some high school fling (some guy she was just messin around with but they were never official) and she never would see that guy ever again.. what a crazy goodbye present!. I was torn apart but we were already at the heat of it.. I was filled with mixed emotions.. I could never imagine the girl I would fall so in love with could betray me so soon like that..
Fast forward to a few months later, we officially were together and I asked her politely to stop talking to this other dude that she had a high school fling with on her instant messenger.. She removed the guy's name off her buddylist in front of me... a few weeks later, I logged on and the guy's name is back on there! I was so hurt again.. I just couldn't understand if she was truly sorry for what she did to me.. She says he's just a friend.. but it doesn't matter.. I made it so easy for her by losing ties with my girlfriends who I had potential with...
Anyway, I get over it... fast forward to now.. all these years, I became sort of insecure and jealous because of the pain.. we barely fight about other stuff.. but if anything triggers anything related to affairs or if I question her loyalty, I've been so bad and I've been bringing up the past and put so much guilt and blame into her.. She's honeslty worked very hard to be loyal to me over the last 8 years but I guess I never realized I would be so tormented with jealousy and insecurities.. I should've known right back then that I wouldn't be able to trust 100%... she's a very friendly person and is like a social butterfly with people... sometimes I get jealous of her attention lately..
So anyway, our last big fight was in November, it was over something stupid.. but again, I would start making her seem like a bad person and start blaming my insecurities on her.. then I proposed to her in January, she accepted.. and I told her that once we married, we would both have a clean slate and I could believe in us because she was now my wife..
For the last year, I've been unemployed and in between jobs.. life has been tough for me lately.. she's had a steady job for the last 8 years and we are both done with college and all.. my life has been going downhill and hers has bene steady.. she's been having more of a social support network lately because her 2 sisters moved down to our town for school and now she has more people to spend time with... I sort of saw myself becoming codependent on her and I didn't realize that was happening.. along with that drop in self confidence, the jealousy became worse..
So then came our first big fight while we're engaged.. I just got laid off a job I had for a week because of some discrepancy with my background check, I wanted to vent out to her but we had unexpected company spend the weekend at our house (we've been cohabitating for a long time.. about 6 years).. so I couldn't get some alone time.. then on Modnay, when she got home from work, her young cousin who she sees as her baby sister told her some bad news about her being pregnant and marrying the guy she had an affair with (she cheated on my friend who she was with for 3 years.. ).. I didn't like her behaviro and I couldn't understand why she interacts with this girl so much.. My fiancée has a lot of female friends who are all having guy commitment issues.. none of them are married or have long term relationships.. 1 girl that she's close to just called off her engagement, another one just had a divorce after 1 year of marriage, this cousin of hers cheated on her man.. I just felt like she was part of a bunch of wishy-washy girls who just don't understand what they're doing or are totally insecure...
So anyway, what I wanted to vent out to her (I was depressed) became a chat about what she thought about her cousin.. she immediately blamed the guy for having the baby and I was so upset.. I lashed out on her and got mad and brought up the past again and acted like "is this what all you girls think is okay to do??" I was expecting her to be shocked and against it but she acted like it was whatevers... so everythin gI wanted to vent out became a jealousy attack again.. we had a big fight.. it was slept under the rug again and we went to bed..
She woke up the next morning, kissed me on the forehead and said she'd see me later after work.. she never came home.. she's been gone for 3 weeks now... and now she's decided to move out... she says she can't take it anymore of why I've become so jealous and insecure..
I finally realized what I was doing to her.. I could never fully trust her and build my confidence around her.. I also became codependent and expected her to validate myself..
She still wants to stay engaged and she says she just needs this space to move out and figure out what makes her happy because she can't go on feeling guilty for what she did in the very beginning of our relationship...
I begun the no contact rule.. she did text me a few times but I responded cordially and acted very confident.. she met me in person last week because she wanted to tell me she was going to move out and I accepted it as strong as I could...
Everyone I talk to said I should not let her walk out of my life like that.. she even wanted to give me back the ring because she was so angry.. we were both angry.. but her friends made her realize that she's throwing away 8 years of a relationship... basically if we were married by now, she would have more to grasp onto.. but it sucks that now she is questioning if she wants to take the next step with me...
This really hurts me and I don't ever call her or text her.. I just respond to her if she texts me about stuff, like informing me about taking care of the utilities for the house... I told her straight up that I understand I pushed her away and she told me that we are still exclusively together and not to worry about her dating other people.. I even told her that once she feels that I have become an option, then to do me the favor and send me the ring back...
Am I doing the right thing by giving her the space but remaining to stay engaged on her terms? I understand my jealousy and insecurity really pushed over the edge.. When she met me, she was surprised that I accepted her move out with dignity and calmness.. I wasn't so angry and jealous that she was doing that..
I now embark on not contacting her for 1-2 months.. she says she'll invite me to her new place when she's ready...
Am I doing the right thing? I have lots of activities lined up to make me a stronger person and I'm getting the job back that I lost next week.. so she knows she left me at the lowest point of my life... and that's why the insecurities became worse when she thought they would get better.. I am now about to enroll in therapy to make myself stop thinking negative about our relationship.. but I'm afraid all the anger I put in her will make her become exactly like me.. but she's a strong lady and I hope she forigves me soon..
I've read all the similar posts.. and basically I do understand what I need to do and I'm hoping Im doing the right thing.. Anyway, my fiancée and I have been together for over 8 years.. this past January, we got engaged and she said yes to marry me..
Anyway, a history about us.. she just turned 27 and I am 29.. We got together when she first moved out on her own at 18 and I was 20... Basically in the beginning of our relationship, she shattered my trust.. a few weeks after we were first dating, I dropped her off to fly back to her hometown.. she was a virgin at that time... then she came back after the weekend and things continued as normal.. fast forward to 2 months or so later, we finall got intimate.. at that moment of intimacy, I'm not sure how it happened.. I think I asked her if she was still a virgin and to my shocking surprise, she said she wasn't... she had given it up to some high school fling (some guy she was just messin around with but they were never official) and she never would see that guy ever again.. what a crazy goodbye present!. I was torn apart but we were already at the heat of it.. I was filled with mixed emotions.. I could never imagine the girl I would fall so in love with could betray me so soon like that..
Fast forward to a few months later, we officially were together and I asked her politely to stop talking to this other dude that she had a high school fling with on her instant messenger.. She removed the guy's name off her buddylist in front of me... a few weeks later, I logged on and the guy's name is back on there! I was so hurt again.. I just couldn't understand if she was truly sorry for what she did to me.. She says he's just a friend.. but it doesn't matter.. I made it so easy for her by losing ties with my girlfriends who I had potential with...
Anyway, I get over it... fast forward to now.. all these years, I became sort of insecure and jealous because of the pain.. we barely fight about other stuff.. but if anything triggers anything related to affairs or if I question her loyalty, I've been so bad and I've been bringing up the past and put so much guilt and blame into her.. She's honeslty worked very hard to be loyal to me over the last 8 years but I guess I never realized I would be so tormented with jealousy and insecurities.. I should've known right back then that I wouldn't be able to trust 100%... she's a very friendly person and is like a social butterfly with people... sometimes I get jealous of her attention lately..
So anyway, our last big fight was in November, it was over something stupid.. but again, I would start making her seem like a bad person and start blaming my insecurities on her.. then I proposed to her in January, she accepted.. and I told her that once we married, we would both have a clean slate and I could believe in us because she was now my wife..
For the last year, I've been unemployed and in between jobs.. life has been tough for me lately.. she's had a steady job for the last 8 years and we are both done with college and all.. my life has been going downhill and hers has bene steady.. she's been having more of a social support network lately because her 2 sisters moved down to our town for school and now she has more people to spend time with... I sort of saw myself becoming codependent on her and I didn't realize that was happening.. along with that drop in self confidence, the jealousy became worse..
So then came our first big fight while we're engaged.. I just got laid off a job I had for a week because of some discrepancy with my background check, I wanted to vent out to her but we had unexpected company spend the weekend at our house (we've been cohabitating for a long time.. about 6 years).. so I couldn't get some alone time.. then on Modnay, when she got home from work, her young cousin who she sees as her baby sister told her some bad news about her being pregnant and marrying the guy she had an affair with (she cheated on my friend who she was with for 3 years.. ).. I didn't like her behaviro and I couldn't understand why she interacts with this girl so much.. My fiancée has a lot of female friends who are all having guy commitment issues.. none of them are married or have long term relationships.. 1 girl that she's close to just called off her engagement, another one just had a divorce after 1 year of marriage, this cousin of hers cheated on her man.. I just felt like she was part of a bunch of wishy-washy girls who just don't understand what they're doing or are totally insecure...
So anyway, what I wanted to vent out to her (I was depressed) became a chat about what she thought about her cousin.. she immediately blamed the guy for having the baby and I was so upset.. I lashed out on her and got mad and brought up the past again and acted like "is this what all you girls think is okay to do??" I was expecting her to be shocked and against it but she acted like it was whatevers... so everythin gI wanted to vent out became a jealousy attack again.. we had a big fight.. it was slept under the rug again and we went to bed..
She woke up the next morning, kissed me on the forehead and said she'd see me later after work.. she never came home.. she's been gone for 3 weeks now... and now she's decided to move out... she says she can't take it anymore of why I've become so jealous and insecure..
I finally realized what I was doing to her.. I could never fully trust her and build my confidence around her.. I also became codependent and expected her to validate myself..
She still wants to stay engaged and she says she just needs this space to move out and figure out what makes her happy because she can't go on feeling guilty for what she did in the very beginning of our relationship...
I begun the no contact rule.. she did text me a few times but I responded cordially and acted very confident.. she met me in person last week because she wanted to tell me she was going to move out and I accepted it as strong as I could...
Everyone I talk to said I should not let her walk out of my life like that.. she even wanted to give me back the ring because she was so angry.. we were both angry.. but her friends made her realize that she's throwing away 8 years of a relationship... basically if we were married by now, she would have more to grasp onto.. but it sucks that now she is questioning if she wants to take the next step with me...
This really hurts me and I don't ever call her or text her.. I just respond to her if she texts me about stuff, like informing me about taking care of the utilities for the house... I told her straight up that I understand I pushed her away and she told me that we are still exclusively together and not to worry about her dating other people.. I even told her that once she feels that I have become an option, then to do me the favor and send me the ring back...
Am I doing the right thing by giving her the space but remaining to stay engaged on her terms? I understand my jealousy and insecurity really pushed over the edge.. When she met me, she was surprised that I accepted her move out with dignity and calmness.. I wasn't so angry and jealous that she was doing that..
I now embark on not contacting her for 1-2 months.. she says she'll invite me to her new place when she's ready...
Am I doing the right thing? I have lots of activities lined up to make me a stronger person and I'm getting the job back that I lost next week.. so she knows she left me at the lowest point of my life... and that's why the insecurities became worse when she thought they would get better.. I am now about to enroll in therapy to make myself stop thinking negative about our relationship.. but I'm afraid all the anger I put in her will make her become exactly like me.. but she's a strong lady and I hope she forigves me soon..