Hi everyone,

This is my first post on these boards and I was drawn by the fact that I am having difficulty dealing with the probable end of my relationship with my girlfriend of six years. I am hoping to get some insight from people who can show complete objectivity with respect to my situation, i.e. not my friends or family or even "ex" at this point.

Here are the facts. I am a man in my late twenties who met and dated my "ex" for the past six years. We met when I was in my post-graduate education and she was finishing college.

So there is no bias, I will begin by saying she is smart, beautiful, loyal, faithful and trustworthy. I will say that I still love her and I'm pretty certain that the feeling was mutual. In fact, it is the only serious girlfriend I have ever had and the only girl with whom I've ever been in love. I had always gotten along well with her family and I believe the feelings were reciprocated. In addition, I had gotten along with nearly all of her friends, though I admit that there are a couple that I didn't particularly like. That said, that was not a major issue with the relationship.

The major sticking point in our relationship was the conflict in our personalities; particularly, I would say, our respective outlooks on life and our future life partners. Needless to say, we have been in countless arguments throughout our relationship, some I would say borderline dangerous.

We both come from very traditional families with corresponding values, traditions, etc. However, as between us, I am the only one who actually bought into that and she clearly has a more modern outlook on relationships, women, etc. I don't want to be brandished a chauvinist (sp?) pig as I'm sure a number of you may think. In fact, I have always been supportive of her career (as we're both professionals) and hardly think that a woman's role is that of a domestic.

Our difference in outlook has sparked a number of conflicts between us as we argue about what is and what isn't acceptable behavior in the relationship. This typically entails what we do with our free time (i.e. she always wants to be out and about whereas I am the "homey" type; I want to spend more time with our families whereas she has other thoughts); her manner of dress (i.e. she's a little too provocative for my taste); her demeanor toward others (i.e. I believe she should act more like a girlfriend and less like the "party" girl). Her criticisms of me typically are that I lack romance and as stated above, I should go out with her more.

Another major sticking point is that I have asked her throughout the years to become for intimate with my family, something I have had no difficulty doing with hers. After a number of "lackluster" attempts, this simply has not occurred to the extent that I'd like considering a relationship spanning over a 1/2 decade. She also made other half-hearted efforts to try to compromise other behavior that I found problematic.

What has also been problematic is that she has let our disputes become public at times, openly making a scene in front of friends, family members and even strangers. Now, I am a great deal more private than she is and would have approached these situations differently. She is very headstrong and always wants her way and will rarely admit wrongdoing on her part.

I say the above knowing full well that I have my faults. I can be dull at times. I realize that I have a traditional view of relationships that not everyone ascribes to. I also realize that I can be stubborn, jealous, judgmental, non-romantic, etc. basically the traits women can detest in a man.

However, what I have always tried to do is hold her in the highest light and be true to her. This is the woman I believed I would marry and have children with and it appears this will not be the case, to my dismay.

Her great qualities aside, I have been unhappy in this relationship for a long period. In fact, we are the type that have had the short break-ups, i.e. less than a week, on a few occasions and this was our last go-around, before we decided to call it quits. In fact, the relationship had become so strained that I did not want any intimate relations with my beautiful girlfiend as of late.

Essentially, I came to the point in my life and in my relationship where it was time to take the next step, i.e. engagement. Before so doing, I consulted with others who are both happily and un-happily married and there seemed to be one common theme: don't marry her if you have any major doubts. Well, I have a number of doubts and that is what prompted the break-up, when she was expecting a ring, marriage and children.

My doubts aside, I can't help but to feel that she is the one for me. In other words, it is hard to picture myself with anyone else.

I apologize for this lengthy post, but her and I have been through a great deal and I thought I would be as through as possible. Would anyone be kind enough to post their thoughts? Am I right or should I stay with her because we love each other? LOL, am I a naïve old-fashioned guy that will never find the girl for me?

You seem like a smart guy, you see the positives and negatives in your relationship so let me put it to you this way:

Let her go. You will not be happy, nor make her happy. You two are totally different people and as that wouldn't be a problem, both of you argue like it is a problem. You're a home type of person (like me) and your ex was a going out type of person.

You feel like she is the one because there was nobody else before her, obviously not in the future as well... but you haven't taken that chance yet, so you cannot say that you picture yourself with anyone else... how can you? You just ended a six year relationship with someone.

She seems like my ex, half-assing the work in a relationship, don't care about my feelings, too involved with herself and her family. Looking at 'me' instead of 'us' type of thing. No one deserves half-love.

I feel you man, I know it hurts and it's going to for a while. And you know what? Days will get easier... but they won't get easier unless you put hard work into NC. Don't beat yourself up about this dude, everyone asks those questions and has those doubts. But hey, slowly you will realize that it is reality and ultimately you'll have to accept it like it is and when that day comes... you won't be so struck by it, and have already moved on.

It sounds workable if you BOTH want it to work and are willing to compromise. If not, and you expect each other to change, then no it will not work. You both need to be able to do things you don't want to do to make the other happy, such as going out more often. But you both need to decide independently what you want, and if you have the patience to compromise. Ask her to do the same. A decision like this should not be made on your own, you are a partner with her for 6 years, you can discuss the situation like adults, and decide together if this is workable or not.
If so, you need to sit down and write a list of things you want from the other, specifically... and let the other know what you are willing to do on that list and what you are not. Go from there... but this is a decision you need to make WITH HER.

Good luck!

First off, let me say how impressed I am! You're so thoughtful... it's a shame the two of you may be incompatible. It's also kind of ironic that I'm answering this because my boyfriend of a year and half (who I thought I was going to marry) just broke up with me, and I very much am in the "Let's work things out" kind of mood. That being said, from what you've written, it seems like there are certain things about her that are never going to change. No one can tell you whether you've made the right decision, but do you honestly think you can be happy with someone who has only half-heartedly tried to get to know your family?

You say you're an old-fashioned guy, and let me tell you, there are plenty of old-fashioned girls out there. I think it's quite admirable that you hold your girlfriend in such high esteem. But, you also have to remember that she hasn't really taken into account your requests. There are certain fundamental issues that can never be worked out in relationships, no matter how much two people love each other. I'd say you're going to have to decide whether your issues with her fall into this category. At the very least, it seems like a break is necessary. The worst thing you could do is propose, marry her, and then have these feelings later.

Best of luck to you!

AJ, Yelo, & Lost Soul, I thank you all very much for your advice. It is difficult for me to bring this stuff up with my friends and family and I think getting a non-biased, objective opinion is great.

AJ, I think you and I are on the same page; what you said is most in line with my thinking. In defense of my ex, it isn't as if she didn't try to make the relationship work. I don't doubt that she is sincere when she says she wants nothing more than to be with me and get married. However, I do think she lacks the foresight to determine what that entails. In addition, she definitely lacks consideration for me in many respects.

Yelo, I agree wholeheartedly with what you said; however, it has been tried (i.e. compromise) and failed. Forgive me if I wasn't clear in my original post, but this is a decision that I have thought about for some time and everything that I shared with you all, I told her directly (on a number of occasions).

Lost, thanks for being so complementary but it is not difficult to be thoughtful when I am considering what I believe one of the most, if not the most, important decision of my life. It's also refreshing to know that there are some women who still have old-fashioned ideals. I don't hate my ex or other women like her for having their outlook on life; it's just not for me.

Again, thank you all for your advice. I can't tell you how much it is appreciated.

Well I think you should both take some time apart.
And see what happens
I mean 6 years is a lot if you were together for so long is because of something.

Relationships that are healthy have a good sense of balance.The balance is compromise,allowing the other partner to lead a life outside of the relationship and acceptance.

Your differences are not what I would consider deal breakers.

Love is not easy to come by and to chuck it all without making every effort to improve it seems foolhardy.

Perhaps some couples counseling would benefit you.

You must have realistic expectations about your mate.Make your expectations known and see where you can reach a compromise.

It takes diplomacy and a willingness to let go of something,on both your parts.

If she does not spark with your family,maybe that is something that time and a sense of her own security in the relationship will mend.Bottom line,you move from your family to your wife.

Regarding her dress and her mannerisms that are "party girlish",those are small issues and again,in my book,no deal breaker.

If you want your concerns heard and accepted,be sure to use "I" statements ,instead of pointing a finger and being accusatory.
People turn off when they feel they are being threatened by judgment.

An example"I feel like you do not respect me when we are out and you (insert party girl behavior)".Those are your feelings and they should be validated.

If she is an extrovert and you are an introvert,that will always be an issue unless you agree to understand that is what makes you the individuals that you are.

Am I right or should I stay with her because we love each other?
If your both not willing to work together to solve your issues thru honest communications, your chance for success is slim to none.

LOL, am I a naïve old-fashioned guy that will never find the girl for me?
Thats your fear talking, and says a lot about your attitude, and maybe why your staying. Thats not healthy, my friend.

Your well written, and thought out, so you have facts, and issues, that need resolving. Then you can make a reasonable decision. Either you take the risk, or not. What does she say as obviously her thoughts on the matter are different than yours.

Why do I suspect, your trying to change her, as opposed to accepting who she is?

If one partner is not willing to work on it, then its already over.

Thanks for the additional input, guys. However, I would like to stress that I have made NUMEROUS attempts to compromise, and do things that she finds to her liking, without that being reciprocated in any great fashion. After a while, one loses interest in trying.

In addition, particularly in response to Artlady, you may not feel that the mannerisms are a huge deal; however, I assure you that they say a lot about a person and there are many others that agree with me in this respect. However, I must thank you for suggesting the therapy. I believe that is a good idea, but frankly I don't know that it will do a great deal of good at this point.

I am becoming more and more convinced that moving on was the correct decision. It is obvious that she will never be the type of person I am looking for, and vice versa; and I'm tired of being unhappy and putting up with stuff I wouldn't for anyone else for the sake of someone's happiness.

Thank you all for the advice.

Well maybe in your heart you know its time to move on and just came here to hear it. I agree you can't change a person. You are who you are. I have learned in my own marriage you work at it and work at it, but in the end we are still the same people. Your more laid back and old fashioned in your ways. I think in the end you will be so much happier finding a girl with the same values. That special girl is out there and you will find each other. I mean if your GF has party girl behavior and is the way you described what type of mother will she be? Not that party girls are bad or wild. But sometimes its hard to settle in to motherhood and marriage after your used to a certain lifestyle.
Just be happy.

Hi gcicc,

I think most angles have been covered in the previous posts, so I won't add to them.

Only to say that your girlfriend must have been the same person when you first met... maybe it was your difference in personality that attracted you... they do say opposites attract.

Maybe as the years went on you gradually grew apart developing into different personalities.

I think you have made the right decision,rather than marry, have children, realise it was a mistake,then end up getting divorced... to much hurt involved.

What ever you do in life I wish you luck

I won't belabor the points others have made but it is possible to love each other but be basically incompatible or to grow in two different directions.

It sounds like it simply doesn't work at this point in time and while it may have worked in the past, it's not working now.