I just got broken up with. No, let me be blunt... I was dumped on my birthday, and on the same weekend as my graduation from law school. Pretty mean thing to do...

That being said, I get where he's coming from. My boyfriend had a nervous breakdown - he's stressed about not having a job, about his dad just losing his job, about all the debt he's in and how he may not ever be a lawyer because he's so late on some bills. He's had a hard time; a very hard time. He says now that he needs to find his own way before he can figure out how it might coincide with someone else's way. Here's a portion of an email he sent me:

"I hope that when I do find my way one day, it will cross yours in a positive way. I hope that I haven't done anything today, yesterday, or in the many days before that to destroy that possibility. Because, in very real ways, you have helped me and helped to make me a more complete person."

"I know that my actions and my statements may seem at odds with each other on
occasion (e.g. I care about you, yet I push you away). I know that I must
not make sense, and I would be lying if I were to tell you that I am able to
make complete sense out of this myself. Still, I have determined what I need
to be happy is time to mature into my own person. I have to do this
independently. Only then will I be the man of which I am destined; then,
perhaps I will be able to progress into a different kind of relationship,
one in which a more capable & individually whole man will enhance and take
away a greater happiness. You deserve somebody who is capable of that."

So, I love this man. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I don't want my dreams of settling down with him and having a family with him to become the dreams of some other girl. He has told me he needs space. He has told me he will contact me when he's capable of being in a relationship, but that he doesn't know if we will get back together.

So, my question is - do I give him space, or do I fight for him?

Thank you so much in advance... you have no idea how much this helps (I'm basically dying inside right now).

You give him space. Fighting for him will only serve to lessen your chances of ever getting back together. He has issues he wants to work on, so you need to respect his wishes and carry on with your life. The outlook for a future relationship looks grim at best, from what you wrote. You have your own life, and your own goals. Start focusing on the positives in your life (congrats on graduating by the way) and let the rest take care of itself. You should not be expected to wait until someone feels "whole" again. That is unfair and unrealistic. Live your life, and if it is meant to happen, it will.

I agree. Give him space, but also let him know you are there for him to talk to; and you want to help him through the hard time in his life if he will let you.

To the OP, please give this man space, he is going through A LOT to say the least. Just take a step back, don't put your life on hold and see how things pan out

Give him the space. In the state of mind he is in right now you "fighting" for him will just add another burden on to his mind. It sounds harsh when I say it that way but I don't know any other way to say it. Give him his space let him work things out. But just like KC said work on your goals right now. Happy Belated Birthday!

Definitely give him space. That's what he asked for and what he wants.

OK - here's an update. Yesterday, I graduated law school. My ex boyfriend texted me to see if I would meet with him to say goodbye. I went, and he said, "nice speech" (I spoke at graduation). I said, "what are you talking about?" And he said, "I couldn't miss your graduation. I was standing in the back." After that, when we parted ways, he was crying, and he say, "Goodbye. I love you."

I have not contacted him since. WELL - just now, I received the following text from him:

"Everything works out one way or another. Last night was the loneliest night of my life, but I made it here today."

What does this mean?

So, my question is - do I give him space, or do I fight for him?

You can give him space AND fight for him, but remember that the fight is with yourself, not with him. He sounds like a pretty good guy, and you should thank him for being upfront and honest with you about what's going on. Make sure he knows you respect and care for him, and then honor his request to be left alone.

If you have the fortitude to leave him alone while he does what he needs to do, it's entirely possible that you can resume your relationship later, with both of you being stronger and more capable of real intimacy instead of the borderline co-dependence that often happens in relationships between immature people.

In the meantime, don't put your life on hold "waiting" for him, but don't rush into another relationship either. Take the opportunity to build your own mature identity as well. It will pay dividends in your future health and happiness whether you get back with him or not.

OK, another update - He just called me to see how I was doing.


I'm committed to giving him space, but how do I do that if he's still contacting me all the time? I mean, I have to say, it makes me feel great that he's texting and calling, but how should I take these things?

I really want to prove to him that I am capable of giving him space.

I think it may be possible he is saying he needs space just so he won't be around you to stress you out. But you really won't know until you ask him. Since he is still making contact with you... seems odd as he is the one that wants to be alone. Tell him you care for him and want him to be able to work out everything he needs to. I think that he misses you and cares for you.

OP, you were kind enough to respond to my post so I figured I will return the favor. Let me start by saying that I congratulate you on having graduated from law school. You and I now share the same profession, and it has to potential to be very rewarding in many respects. And the fact that you were a speaker at graduation tells me you were probably at or near the top of your class, and therefore, you're smart and will do well and you're a nerd (... just kidding).

As for your boyfriend or ex or what ever you want to label him, my guess is that he doesn't know what he wants, you included. (Been there, done that). He obviously cares for you a great deal but is coming at a major crossroads in his life, particularly considering his financial and career situation. As you know, that can be overwhelming.

What the others have said is good advice. Give him his space, let him know that you're there for him; but at the same token, start to prepare for a life without him if that is what happens. Don't put your life on hold, even though it will be if you will be using this summer to study for your bar exam(s).

I would add that your boyfriend, unfortunately, is in a rough predicament as a number of recent law school grads are in as a result of the economy. I was reading a law journal article from my state which commented as to how difficult recent grads have it. I know his prime concern is getting a job at this point, but an interesting piece of the advice that the article gave was to volunteer for pro bono work, as it has a number of benefits, including possibly opening potential job opportunities. I would recommend that you at least mention it to him.

The best of luck!

This is a very difficult situation for you, because your BF is giving you mixed messages.

On the one hand, he wants space to sort himself out and he's experiencing overwhelm, on the other hand it sounds as if he still cares about you and needs to know that you're there.

Given his state of mind, it may be difficult for him to know how he feels about anything, but perhaps you need to gently point out that if he wants 'space' then he should take your needs into consideration as well.

Tell him that you appreciate his phone calls but that you are finding them distressing and that he needs to be thinking about himself at the moment. Ask him to back off until he can tell you how he feels about you and your relationship because you're feeling confused about his motivation.

He's been able to be honest with you, then be honest in return.

Ok, here is another update:

Today, I responded to an e-mail he sent me on Saturday night. I told him that as hard as it is, I thought the breakup was the right thing to do. I don't really want to be broken up, but I do know he has a lot on his plate that he needs to figure out (massive debt, his dad lost his job, he's worried about getting a job, his friends haven't been the greatest, etc.). He told me two weeks before we broke up that he needed space and that he was unhappy. I guess I'm hoping that he'll see once we're not together that he's not magically happy all of a sudden.

This morning, he imed me. We talked for about an hour, and it was intense. He told me he saw his ex last night and cried to her for an hour about me. He told me he threw up this morning. He even said things like, "I know we will have a wonderful connection in the future." But, then he sent me mixed messages saying things like, "We will always be more than friends...not lovers...but more than friends, no matter whose bed you or I are sleeping in. We will always mean this much to each other because for a year and a half, I loved you more than anyone else."

I asked him if he is still in love with me, and he said that he couldn't answer. I don't know what to think. He said he needed space, but he keeps contacting me. I love him deeply, and I want to be with him. What should I do? Do you think we will ever get back together?

The guy is obviously confused and is placing you right in the middle. If I were you I'd set the record straight and clarify what it is he wants, then stick to that. Going back and forth does not help the situation but rather makes it more confusing. It sounds as if he's using you whenever the mood strikes him. Tell him you want direction or leave him alone for awhile and let him clear his head.

You should not be treated like this regardless of his personal circumstances.

Ok, here is another update:

Today, I responded to an e-mail he sent me on Saturday night. I told him that as hard as it is, I thought the breakup was the right thing to do. I don't really want to be broken up, but I do know he has a lot on his plate that he needs to figure out (massive debt, his dad lost his job, he's worried about getting a job, his friends haven't been the greatest, etc.). He told me two weeks before we broke up that he needed space and that he was unhappy. I guess I'm hoping that he'll see once we're not together that he's not magically happy all of a sudden.

This morning, he imed me. We talked for about an hour, and it was intense. He told me he saw his ex last night and cried to her for an hour about me. He told me he threw up this morning. He even said things like, "I know we will have a wonderful connection in the future." But, then he sent me mixed messages saying things like, "We will always be more than friends...not lovers...but more than friends, no matter whose bed you or I are sleeping in. We will always mean this much to each other because for a year and a half, I loved you more than anyone else."

I asked him if he is still in love with me, and he said that he couldn't answer. I don't know what to think. He said he needed space, but he keeps contacting me. I love him deeply, and I want to be with him. What should I do?? Do you think we will ever get back together?

No one can tell you if you'll get back together because we don't have a crystal ball.

I would ask him to stop contacting you - it's actually selfish, it's about him and it's distressing you. I know you love him but he's behaving in a really insensitive way - he wants to vent and emote but he's not prepared to let you know how he feels about you.

Let him know that this has to stop until he can pull himself together (what's the thing with the ex anyway?), block his number or whatever you need to do until he can be more rational.

PS I suspect he may be trying to tell you it's over, but he's too weak to do so.

I asked him if he is still in love with me, and he said that he couldn't answer. I don't know what to think. He said he needed space, but he keeps contacting me. I love him deeply, and I want to be with him. What should I do? Do you think we will ever get back together?
Why are you accepting this weird behavior? Why are you letting him do this to you??

What else can I do? Write him off completely? The last thing I want is for him to be out of my life. I know that he's behaving strangely, and I don't like it. But, it's hard to put aside all the wonderful times we had. He's a great guy even though he's not behaving that way right now. I'm just confused, I guess...