Basically, this last year is the first time in a long time (about a decade) my brother and I were civil. Mostly I just ignored his presence entirely (it worked pretty well all through middle and high school). Unfortunately, my mother still got/gets really upset about how we don't get along.

Starting with when I was 9 years old, he would physically and emotionally abuse me. In the 4th grade, my friend had to help me get dressed for swimming at school because both arms and shoulders were so bruised I couldn't pull a shirt over my head without tears welling up. He used to randomly launch attacks when I was just sitting at the table reading and having a snack after school. I always had to hear how I was fat, had no friends, was ugly etc. This was usually followed by a statement that he was going to kill me since I was "a stupid little c*nt/ that no one likes" and me getting thrown to the ground, kicked, and my book/snack getting mutilated. He would always be nice to me when my parents were around, but the second they left he changed. Needless to say, they (especially my mom) generally believed him when he would go to them with stories about how we were fighting because I "didn't answer" him. I always answered... and my mom always told me "it takes two" and that she "knows how I am" (she thinks I'm a that doesn't answer people).

It was so bad I was going to kill myself when I was 10 (I got the idea from him after he strangled me and everything was going black)--I didn't because I didn't want to upset my parents--and started cutting (didn't work, by the way) and was all but anorexic. From the time when I was about 9 until I was 15 or 16, I literally had trouble sleeping in my room. My mind managed to convince itself that someone materialized in the dark corners to kill me. My heart would be racing, and I wouldn't move a muscle in bed. To this day, I still sometimes compulsively check the closet before going to bed (I know... pathetic).

I am now 20, and my brother is 23. My mom still reads into my lack of excitement and carefully cultivated neutrality. Apparently my inability to get excited for his college graduation is me being jealous and petty. Not really, by the way. I'm at college studying biology for pre-med... and will be graduating in 2 years myself. I don't really care if he graduates or not.
She still gives me random little talks about how I should really be nicer to him.

I can't just leave (no matter how tempted I am). They're paying for college, and I generally love my parents otherwise... They're two of my favorite people.

Any advice on how to deal/get my mom to quit with the lectures?

Have you told her exactly what you just told us in those same words?

Have you told her exactly what you just told us in those same words?

Trust me, I've tried... for a decade.

Maybe you should write them a long, lengthy emotional letter about your situation. I'm so sorry that he was like this with you.
My husband was in a similar situation you were, and unfortunately he still holds a grudge and is angry inside from this past. He is a very strong willed and smart man and very strong. In fact, he had enough just a few years ago and pinned his brother against the wall(he is bigger and stronger than his brother will ever be). His brother has been extremely nice to him ever since. But he still holds that chip. His parents understand his situation though, so it's a little different.
Reading your question was very heartfelt. I think if you wrote a detailed letter and put out all of your emotions, something might click and they can hopefully leave you alone or try and help you two get back together. With a letter, they can go back to it for reference and maybe they will understand better.

How does your brother feel? Have you two ever talked about it? Has he ever apologized?

I would like to add that they get along fairly well, even playing golf occasionally, but he still has this angry little chip and I always know exactly where it is coming from.

Trust me, I've tried...for a decade.



Then you have to keep telling them and telling them and telling them. I see no other answer and you basically can't make anyone do anything.

This is one of those "my neighbor's dog told me" answers that I HATE and criticize BUT - my friend's husband had an affair with her sister. She and the husband divorced; the sister and her husband reconciled. The mother can't understand why my friend holds a grudge. Aside from beating my head against a wall with disbelief, my friend has told her mother a thousand times and her mother has ignored her a thousand times. She just keeps telling her.

Of course, she doesn't live with her parents. Maybe putting up with your mother is the cost of living with her and having her pay for your college education.

I would like to know if your brother has ever tried to talk to you about it? Also, what happened to him that made him so violent? I would agree to write you parents a letter. Tell your mom that unless she is willing to hear you out and truly understand your emotions about the past, then you will no longer listen to her comments. Literlally walk away or hang up when she is lecturing and not listening to you. She probably does not want to hear it, it hurts her to hear that her son could do that and hurt her to hear you were hurt. Maybe she is ignoring other things? Hmmmm...