So an incredibly long story short - My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me on Christmas of '08 - I moved from Nevada to Long Island late January to get away from all of the drama and to pursue a lot of opportunities that have been presented to me here..

Anyway I've been going back and forth (nevada and back) a couple of times to finalize my move and what not.. I have really yet to make a single friend and it's been difficult to find a job, I'm awaiting school to start in the Fall which I know will lead to meeting people and what not. Now don't get me wrong I'm not an anti-social person, but it has just been difficult to make friends out here - which is weird because I'm a pretty outgoing person. But not really having any friends or having anything to take my mind of my ex girlfriend has made life incredibly difficult. I don't think I've ever been this emotionaly distraught, ever. I think about her all the time and all I want to do is not dream about her, or think about her, or really anything for that matter. I just want to honestly wake up in the morning and not feel so empty. This girl was my life, I know I don't have to go into detail about our relationship because everyone has had their own love..

I dated a girl before her for about 2years, and when we broke up I didn't feel nearly as bad as I do now.. I just need to get her out of my head, and not matter what I do or think she just won't leave.. I sincerally feel depressed. This was a relationship that I really valued and wanted, but she just seemingly didn't. Naturally I'm an introvert which leads me to keep much of my emotionaly despairety(sp) to myself - and I know that's not an entirelly good thing.

- If there's any advice I can get, it would be greatly appreciated.

There is a scale that is well established that lists life changing events and which ones are most likely to cause depression.

Divorce and moving are very high on the list ,as is starting or ending school.

You have had three major stress events happen to you in a very short period and you have no outlet for your anger and sadness.

You are clinging to the relationship because you have nothing better to occupy yourself with.
You have to get out and meet people and quit dwelling on a past you can not change.

It is not easy but the longer you sit around pining over what was,the further into misery you will go.

You have to force yourself to get up everyday and do your routine a little different,change the way you begin the day and go on from there.Commit to making your life happier and work at it.
Go to a gym.Volunteer your time,there is nothing better for the soul than giving to those less fortunate.

Get exercise and fresh air and eat well and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

There is a life after a break-up but you have to make it happen.

As much energy as you have been putting into feeling miserable,take that energy and put it into making your life worth living.

The power to change is in you.

Do not doubt yourself and your right to happiness.

Do not give the past so much power,it has very little.

Get out and enjoy what is most likely the best years of your life if you let it be.

Envy2NY I'm not going to sit here and tell you what you should do because it all comes down to one thing and that is force yourself to move on. Sounds easy but super hard and trust me, I dated a girl for 8 years and 3 months before college graduation we broke up so I understand your pain. Ok, enough about me because we're talking about ou here. So, I'm not going to tell you much of what to do from here on out but I will let you in on a little secret that will make you strong and hopefully allow you to live a happy life because this will not happen to you again. You wrote and I read, "she was my life.." and this struck a cord with me. I want you to repeat this quote to yourself every time you feel desperate and anytime you meet a beautiful girl that you think is the ONE. And not to burst your bubble but the ONE does not exist. I want you to repeat this quote to yourself, "women (insert name of ex girlfriend here) are/is not my life, but a part of my life." Secondly, you did something wrong that probably made your ex leave. I don't mean you cheated, verbally or physically abused her, didn't help out around the house, overbearing, jealous, etc. You did something that I too am guilty or rather was guilty of too. A lot of relationships break up for this reason without the guy even knowing why. Now, going back to the statement you made about your ex being your life, I am guessing that you showed her a lot of affection and avoided arguing with her as much as possible. If you did these things than you did nothing wrong unless you over did it. It may even sound like I am speaking a foreign language to you and that is exactly what it sounded like to me when I was learning all of this but women like a challenge. They like to know that they are loved but once in awhile they like the chase too. This means that the excitement, drama, surprise, etc. has to remain throughout the course of your relationship or else she starts to get bored. You cannot settle or get too comfortable. Most importantly, you cannot be at her call and beckoning or let her know that you are completely and entirely head over hills about her. Women are great at this. Women call this the , "leaving something for the imagination." It's the same wth the relationship. You have to leave something for her to wonder about. If any woman knows that she HAS you, its like a cat that has caught a mouse. The chase is over, the fun is over, and she will probably devour you up. In other words, she will kill the relationship and find some new guy that will bring mystery and excitement back into her life. The reaosn why I am telling you all this is that I feel you were perhaps too lovey dovey. You cared and made sure all her needs were met and this is probably why you are so down on yourself. You are probably saying to yourself, "how can she do this to me after ALL I did for her." The problem may just lie with ALL you did for her rather than letting her let a taste of what you have to offer little by little. You see, at the end of the day she is still her own person and she will appreciate the fact that you are not worrid to lose her. That you don't have to bombard her with your love in order for her to stay. She'll appreciate it because you will come across to her as being a confident guy that is confident in his relationship and confident in knowing that she will be there regardless if you don't give her what she wants right now. Now, like I said. There are a million reasons relationships fall apart and I am guessing that this was probably your reason. Personally, my reason was that I was too jealous and did not trust her and over the years it was like I myself made my fears into a reality. You see our actions sometimes leads to the other person reacting a certain way. There has to be a balance in life, ying and a yang if you want to think about it that way. With no balance things fall apart and I think you may have given her more love than she needed and more love than she was giving back. What you need to do now is move on. "People in our lives are like seasons, and everything that happens is for a reason." The people that come in your life and then depart have done their jobs. They have taught you something about yourself and made you a better person so you shouldn't try too hard to hold on to them because they have fulfilled their goal. You need to focus on yourself now. I suggest you join a summer basketball, baseball, or whatever sport league and I'm sure you will meet some new faces. Try working out too if you are not that much into sports or do whatver it is you have been putting off for awhile now. Whatver you do remember that you have to live and push on for a brighter and better tomorrow because that is exactly what you have and will become. Please feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. God bless.

Have to spread the rep Artlady, but I can't imagine saying it better.

The first thing that occurred to me Envy2ny was the sequence of events: break up, move, new school. All stressful in their own right. All events that involve change, readjustment to new circumstances and grieving for things that have passed.

It's no wonder you feel more emotionally distraught than ever before. I would imagine that these events have made you feel disempowered and out of control, hence the depression and the loneliness.

It is a crusty adage that time does heal, but you need to bring yourself back into the present to do so. At the moment all your energy is leaking back into the past and you're focusing on what has been - try and pull yourself back into the present and focus on what is now.

You can't change what has been but you can change your responses now. Focus on one day at a time - go for a walk (notice the sun and the trees), go to the shops (make a point of speaking to someone), cook a meal (take time to prepare the ingredients). You get my drift.

It sounds corny, and I apologize, but give thanks for what you have - a new town, a new job, a new school and new opportunities that may well take you in fresh and interesting directions.

You have so much, it's just a matter of seeing it. You have a life, it's just a matter of creating it.

You hit the fresh girl honeypot with the moving to a new city. You can actually approach any girl you see and say "hey I am new here, im looking to meet new friends" and its actually true. I'd love to be in your shoes. Stop looking at it negatively.

Go to the mall, and talk to every good looking girl you see. Be honest with them. Tell them, hey. I am new here, I just moved into town. I left my friends and family behind me to pursuse new things and I want you to show me around.

If you went out to the mall, college campus, or any healthy place for lunch where there are cute girls you could approach and get 10 - 30 numbers in a week easily. Get some guys numbers too, look for groups of dudes and tell them your new and what's cool in Nevada to do, or blah blah... Being new in a city allows you the ability to introduce and invite yourself into groups.. how else are you going to meet people in a new city?

Find some dudes to work out with or play basketball, or whatever. Find some girls to hang out with, and then start some projects and things to occupy your time if you can't secure something on a weekend night to do.

If you let yourself stay in your house, then each weekend its going to just repeat and you'll never meet anyone. Then if you've been isolated long enough, meeting people will become so intimidating you will forget what it even feels like to meet new friends.

And whatever you do, don't get stuck playing xbox or videogames in your house alone. That will kill your chances of meeting someone super quick. :) stay motivated.

I live in Long Isand and I know it is a far cry from the city and you can get pretty lonely if you don't know anyone.

Maybe you can try this site Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com (http://www.meetup.com) because they have some great groups you can join and some interesting people you can meet for friendships. They have many different for every hobbie you can think of and I belong to two groups already. We met out sometimes after work or on the weekends and do things as a group. The site is worth looking at.

Had to spread rep, but Artlady and liz28 were spot on.

I'm trying really hard to get over someone as well, so I'm on the same boat as you.

Here's another take on what they said:

1) It's not just about getting over your ex girlfriend, it's about finding other things to do in life so that you to help you move on. Sounds like you have too much free time to dwell on the breakup.

2) While you are job hunting, you need other things to keep you occupied. If you are as social as you say you are, then go out and join some activities, socials groups, hobbies, play sports, etc.

3) At night, spend some time to keep in touch with friends and family from your hometown or elsewhere. IM? Phone? Emailing?

Envy2ny,

I, too am an introvert and know exactly how you feel. My exboyfriend was also my whole life. And he just broke up with me. I won't detail my story now, you can actually read it from my post yesterday, I'm also a new member.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/could-we-still-right-each-other-after-break-up-353936.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766-15.html#post1737591


Basically we were together for 4 years, I didn't pursue my individuality and independence and lost him to that. I know he still loves me, but he is strong and will not get back with me until he is sure that he can see himself having a strong relationship with a social, self-sufficient, motivated woman.

We are both 23, so we are each at crossroads where he needs to devote himself entirely to his career and he doesn't want to give me only 10% of his time and energy. I had to accept it and let him go if I ever want to maybe get back with him. I only say this now because we've been broken up for only three days, and I obviously still love him, but I am getting a gym membership, I got in contact with a girlfriend from high school and we are going to be gym buddies. I plan on taking up my clarinet again, spending a weekend in Santa Barbara with another high school girlfriend ( a friendship that I have neglected to make my ex my everything). Although I cannot say that I am not in incredible pain and still in a phase where getting up in the morning is rough, I am rather looking forward to the new me that I have missed out on for a few years. I think that it will be a combo of the new me, and the me that I lost over the past two years. I say two years because the first two years of our relationship he was still intrigued by me. But that's when I gave him all of me and I shouldn't have. thoughtiwastheman stated exactly what I felt when he broke up with me, "he's leaving me after ALL that i did for him?" Its like he was telling my story. I have learned that I cannot continue this in this relationship (if it will continue at all) or in the next.

Good luck. I'm struggling too, so I figure I will be reading and posting to cope with the pain. I will take this like therapy and its free, too!

I totally agree with all of the posts... just remember, never make your significant other "your life". This will in most cases if not all lead to disaster. Each relationship is about two very different lives complementing each other. Not one that gives up thiers to become the others... opposites attract.