My live-in boyfriend is a sulker. He has a lot of unresolved issues with his ex whom he feels hurt him deeply and ruined his life. Anyway, every time we fight, when he looks at me, or hears what I have to say, he hears and sees her, and reacts. He refuses to ever talk about the fight, or talk it out like adults. Instead, he gets angry then flat out refuses to speak to me, come near me, sleep in the same bed as me, make eye contact with me, or anything. He's also not someone who gets better after a good night's sleep, he analyzes it, lets it fester and burn him from the inside, and he's even angrier the next day. The first time he did this, he just glared at me, stomped downstairs, and said "don't follow me" then slept downstairs for 3 days in the basement suite he rents from me. He tossed all my stuff upstairs and made sure I couldn't make any contact with him. He wouldn't talk to me, answer my calls, respond to my emails, or anything. If I tried contacting him or came near him, he got very angry with me, told me I'm not "respecting the distance". I was terrified he was going to break up with me. Since then, it's happened on a less severe basis where he's gotten over it in a few hours or a day, so I guess I'm getting used to it. However, it happened again 4 days ago and this time it's really hurting. He packed up all of his stuff, and I mean everything, even the things he never uses but he owns, and moved downstairs. I begged, pleaded, just tell me what's wrong, why are you doing this, what did I do?? I want to resolve this, and he said there's nothing to resolve. He wouldn't tell me anything, just told me not to talk to him, touch him, look at him, and get out. He stormed out of the house and came back sometime later, but refuses to see me or talk to me or even look at me. I can't go in the basement because that's his place, and if I do go there, if I "violate" that space, I think he'd move out. I thought he was coming around 3 nights ago because he was kind of talking to me about work but after ever sentence, he said "i hate you." I said no you don't, and he said he does. This happened several times. He said it like an aside, and I don't know why. The night we had our fight, we'd been having a great time together, he even told me how happy he was with me and that he loves me. And now this happened. I'm terrified that this time he's going to break up with me, or move out, or both, because it's never been this bad before. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days, and the only correspondence I received from him was an email he sent to me that said "i will be driving myself around and will not be eating meals with you. This will be the arrangement for an undetermined amount of time." I feel absolutely devastated, I love him so much, we are so compatible, he's my best friend, we do everything together. I don't want this to end. I have no idea what he's doing, or why he's doing it. If this is his way of asking for space, I don't know why it's so extreme. How do I know?? Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do? I was planning on waiting for a week before I try approaching him, although I have no idea what to say or how to say it so I don't push him away. I know not to talk about the fight, just talk about everyday normal things... but if he's not ready, it'll just make things worse. The hardest part is that he sent me a point blank email today that just said "find my appt notice, i need it" for an appt he has 3 weeks from today! Is he giving me a hint? I'm scared to death, and don't know what to do. I hate that he does this to me, to us, and the reason I stay with him is because when he's not like this, he's an amazing person. That's why I stay, and why I want to be with him... I just need to know how to deal with this, what he's thinking/doing, how do I go about winning him back?
As a prelude to this... the past couple weeks leading up to this fight, he's been super stressed about work, his ex, life in general, and has become very hateful. I think with this last fight he saw me as his ex. He told me I had "crossed a line." I have no idea what's going on or what to do... please help!

I have a question Why would you not want this to end? He sulks stomps around doesn't talk to you. My 9 year old cousin does the same thing when he is mad.

He have a lot of unresolved issues that can only be sorting out through counseling. You can't help him.

He have a lot of emotional baggage and this is a red flag why you couldn't have never got involved with him.

Your way better off without him and this isn't love, maybe one-sided love.

If he is still stressing about an ex then he is still emotionally attached to her and can't give you what you should have in a relationship,someone who is 100% committed.

Regardless of his reasoning,let him have his space.Try not to read into what his actions may or may not mean ,it is an exercise in futility.You simply can't know what someone is thinking.

He is behaving immaturely and his inability to communicate will always be a problem unless you both make moves to fix it.

You should not forgive or forget without some serious conversation.

I assume that you usually just give in to his hissy fits and when its over ,its over,without any communication or actual work on solving the issues.

You are most likely just relieved to have him back so the real issue and the lack of communication goes unchecked.

Until you make it clear that you won't tolerate this childish behavior and until he understands that being in a adult relationship requires work and communication,you will have more of the same.

Let him stew and when he wants to come back to you,tell him the condition is that you talk things out!

That all makes sense. Now do I wait until he comes back to me, or can I make the first move? Is he breaking up with me, or is he just needing space? It hurts so much, especially because he lives downstairs and we're both home at the same time and I can't do or say anything to him, or go see him or anything. I don't know which way to lean... to grieve because it's likely over, or to just wait because it's likely not, but be prepared to talk for when he comes back. I have no idea what to do. I don't understand men, so I don't understand why he's doing this. In his mind, does he honestly expect I'll just leave him alone and then take him back when he's done his fit, so that's why he's OK doing it??

It is over! Why do you what to even consider being with someone that treats you so poorly? Don't you think you deserve better? If you really think what you had with him is love I would love to hear your definition of that word?

There is a heavy supply of men out there and you don't need a man to validate who you are. There is nothing wrong with being alone. Also, you should really higher your standards when it comes to guys and stop dealing with guys who treat you lower than dirt.

You said you and this is compatible, however, I don't see it. You said this guy is your best friend but with a friend like this who need enemies.

That all makes sense. Now do i wait til he comes back to me, or can i make the first move? Is he breaking up with me, or is he just needing space? It hurts so much, especially because he lives downstairs and we're both home at the same time and i can't do or say anything to him, or go see him or anything. I don't know which way to lean...to grieve because it's likely over, or to just wait because it's likely not, but be prepared to talk for when he comes back. I have no idea what to do. I don't understand men, so i don't understand why he's doing this. In his mind, does he honestly expect i'll just leave him alone and then take him back when he's done his fit, so that's why he's ok doing it???

He is most likely doing this because every time he does he comes back when he feels like it and you allow it.You have allowed him to treat you like crap and not communicate and I fail to see what is so worthy of clinging to.

Alone and content is better than being in a lousy relationship with an immature guy who shows you no respect and is still hung up on his ex.

I know it hurts my dear but you can heal from this hurt.
If you take him back ,it will just be more of the same.The hurt will continue.

You need to rethink this relationship and decide what it is that you can't live without.There are good men out there and they will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

He is expecting you to baby him again. If I were you I would prepare for a break up because I would be the one initiating it.

Honor yourself and don't ever allow anyone to do otherwise to you.

People who sulk in this way use it to control their partners. It's a passive-aggressive form of behavior, because it elicits a reaction from you.

This behavior is nothing to do with an ex GF - that's just an excuse. In reality he is immature, manipulative and controlling. He knows he's getting a great reaction - you're running around like a terrified teenager. Don't kid yourself - best friends do not treat each other in this way, nor do couples that are compatible or in love.

Call his bluff. He doesn't want contact? Give it to him. Ignore him completely.

Get on with your life, go out with friends, in fact why not invite them over for a party while he's sulking in the basement. Do not put up with this childish tantrum. If you continue to do so you will NEVER break his pattern and he will only get worse.

I'd also be talking to a counsellor - why are you so scared of breaking up with such a p***k?

I made a mistake with him that I never wanted to make with anyone... I invested more in the relationship than I'm willing to lose. He is my best friend... we did everything together, spent almost all of our time together, everything. We have so much fun together because there's nothing we can't do. Now there's nothing I can do that doesn't remind me of him, nothing I can see, no where I can go, so that's why this is so devastating for me. I honestly thought the good times outweighed the bad, and that this was going to be for life.
I have no desire or motivation to leave the house, make an effort on my appearance, eat, live or anything. It's not healthy, but I don't know how to force myself to do anything different, or do anything that doesn't bring back incredibly painful memories of him. Unfortunately, this happened at holiday time around here, and all of my friends are away for awhile. So I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can on my own. He was my world, and now that's been taken away, so I feel empty, hollow. And that's ultimately why I don't want to let him go. Even though everyone is right, I shouldn't stay. I just don't know how to leave.

I hear that you're really down at the moment, but it's really not healthy to make someone 'your world'. It's like putting all your investments in the one portfolio and losing it on the stockmarket. Sadly you've learnt this the hard way.

It's also not healthy to have a relationship with someone as controlling and negative as your BF sounds. In the end the negativity attaches itself to you and brings you down as well.

You've had a double whammy so no wonder you feel so awful. Try and get out of the house - have a shower, put on some nice clothes, even if you don't feel like it. Visit your family and speak to some people so that you're not just listening to your own thoughts.

The important thing is not to get caught up in his manipulation of you. Are you able to ask him to leave?

I know, you're right, about all of it, and this is the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn.
Yesterday I thought I was making progress... I was sitting by myself and thinking, and was able to get angry at him for what he's doing, really angry, so I had a few hours of "screw you, you jerk, i deserve better." But now this morning I woke up and I don't have the will to do anything but sit and cry. Weekend mornings used to be so special for us and now they're gone, and this is my first weekend without him and it hurts so much. I've tried calling my family but they're not around today. I don't know what's happened to me, I used to have so many ambitions when I was with him and we were just spending the day apart, such as reorganizing my house, working on a distance learning course I'm enrolled in, remodelling a spare bedroom... now I just don't care. None of it matters. I think part of the reason I had those ambitions in the first place was because I knew he'd be proud of me for them. Now there's no point. Aghhh I can't do this.

Evict the bum and do what you were going to do and be proud of yourself. Its really just you taking control back of your own life.

Handle your business, and grieve, cry, an heal later. I can see why his ex ran for the hills. So can you.

I'll try. It hasn't been a week yet since this all happened, but I want it to be over now. I've also been wondering... will guys who live with their gfs sometimes just stay out of convenience? As in, because the rent is good, it's in a great location, I own all the electronics, we have a dog together, etc... will guys stay in a relationship they're unhappy with just for the fringe benefits? Or would that not matter, they'd just leave and worry about it later? I guess ultimately none of that matters in terms of my decision... I just want to know if I've been made a fool of for a long time.

Only your free loaders do. A real man knows when to walk away and knows how to stand on their own two feet. Also, people will only do what you allow them to. So people only take advantage of you if they see they can.

You have to learn to parts ways with someone and not just settle because you want someone. If a guy is no good then guess what? Their no good! There is no sense in holding on to something when it isn't worth while.

Love yourself more than you love someone else because once you love yourself you wouldn't tolerant anyone bs. You can do bad by yourself--remember this.

All guys aren't like the loser your dealing with now. Personally I've no time for losers let them find another loser to mess with.

How do I know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it's time to let go? I'm not very experienced with them, I've only ever had long-termers... but I remember reading somewhere (it may have been on this site) that you have to make a list of pros and cons, and when the pros outweigh the cons by 4 to 1, it may be worth keeping. I'd like to think that's the case, but I'm thinking I might be deluded because I'm still in shock and grieving. So maybe the good times aren't as good as I'm remembering, or maybe the bad times are more frequent than what I remember. Or does it really only take a couple of bad incidents regardless of the good times if they treat you bad enough? I'm really bad at this. :p

How do I know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it's time to let go?

When he lives in your basement, and resorts to unhealthy childish ways to express himself, instead of communicating honestly, and working with you to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

He ain't doing that, evict the big baby. He is not a healthy partner, so the relationship cannot be healthy.



... will guys stay in a relationship they're unhappy with just for the fringe benefits?


YES!! If you let them.

How do you get closure and begin to move on, and learn from the experience, when you have no idea why they ended it with you in the first place? :( Every time we've had a fight... he's refused to tell me why he's so angry with me, what I did wrong, anything like that, so I'm left guessing as to what it could be, and most of the time I never figure it out but he eventually gets over but still never tells me. I want to break NC just to ask him why?? He has nothing to lose now... just tell me! :(

It's time to get YOU back in your life. This guy really sounds like a jerk with the sulking and the bad behavior. Even if he's amazing when he's not doing this, the point is that he DOES this and it's childlike and stupid behavior.

Go places by yourself. Join some social groups. Join a book club, go to meetup.com and see what groups are in your area. Take classes, go to the gym, join a sports group... find something to do separate and apart from him. It might be hard but it's something you have GOT to do otherwise you are going to be tethered to this bonehead forever.

He really sounds like a big baby and you deserve better. And when you get into another relationship, do not (I repeat, DO NOT) lose yourself again!

Be good to you!

How do you get closure and begin to move on, and learn from the experience, when you have no idea why they ended it with you in the first place? :( Every time we've had a fight...he's refused to tell me why he's so angry with me, what i did wrong, anything like that, so i'm left guessing as to what it could be, and most of the time i never figure it out but he eventually gets over but still never tells me. I want to break NC just to ask him why??? He has nothing to lose now...just tell me! :(

Closure comes from inside you. You don't need to know anything from him. You can inventory your own behavior and work on anything that YOU don't like. It's not up to him to decide what YOU need to change. He could be all wrong about this.

The closure you are seeking can only come from you. Don't give your power away to someone else. Who cares what he's so mad about? Apparently he's just mad otherwise he'd had given you opportunities to change things.

Oh he sounds like such a BRAT!!

Thanks Susan, and everyone else who's posted replies on here. It's so hard (as most of you know) and I've never had to deal with this before, and it feels like my heart was ripped from my body. He could've died and it would've been easier to deal with. The only thing he's ever said about any of our fights is that I reminded him of his ex, who's an ex for a reason. He cannot let go of what she did to him, so every time we fight, I think if I defend myself the same way she did, or reacted the same way she did, he sees me as her, and freaks. Goes incommunicado into his "man cave" as he calls it so I can't "hurt him anymore." Then when he comes out he says I broke a lot of trust with him. How?? When you won't even tell me what I did?? This is looking to be the same thing, but I can't do this anymore. And I think everyone is right, he's doing this because he can, because I let him, because he knows (or thought he knew) that after he has his sulking hissy fit and feels like coming back, that I'll take him back, unconditionally. But because of what he went through with his ex, it's like in his mind he feels justified doing all this. That he has the right to act this way. Because every fight, regardless of severity of it, his reaction has gotten a little more extreme. It's been a progression. I wonder if it's a test? He had a mini tantrum a few weeks ago and I just ignored him and did my own thing. The next day when he was feeling better, he actually said that my reaction to his tantum was a "test" to see how I'd react. To see whether I'd act like his ex or not. Is that what all this crap is?? One big test?? Aggghhh. I hate him for doing this to me, for doing this to us. I really thought this was something, that we had something that would last. :(

How do i know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it's time to let go? I'm not very experienced with them, i've only ever had long-termers...but i remember reading somewhere (it may have been on this site) that you have to make a list of pros and cons, and when the pros outweigh the cons by 4 to 1, it may be worth keeping. I'd like to think that's the case, but i'm thinking i might be deluded because i'm still in shock and grieving. so maybe the good times aren't as good as i'm remembering, or maybe the bad times are more frequent than what i remember. Or does it really only take a couple of bad incidents regardless of the good times if they treat you bad enough? I'm really bad at this. :p

The bottom line here is that he is non communicative and his passive aggressive behavior is a way to manipulate you to get his own way.

Do you think he is going to all of a sudden become the great communicator and share himself with you?

Not likely,that would require an effort he is not willing to put into this relationship.It is a very one sided relationship at best.

You have made him the center of your existence and that was a mistake from the get go.Now that he isn't in the picture you feel lost.What happened to you? Where did you go?

You can try to guess his motivations until the cows come home but you will get no where as it is all just a guessing game.

It sounds like you are desperate to cling to this relationship at any cost and regardless of the way he treats you.Do you think so little of yourself?

My dear,honor yourself and accept nothing less from anyone!

When someone is treating you bad (like this guy) then it is time to leave.


Doesn't makes sense to stay and fight because your fighting for nothing.

I guess I feel like I was deceived. Like I'm in a bad dream and any minute now I'm going to wake up. I guess I just can't believe it's real. I can't eat and I'm barely sleeping. Every time I sleep, I dream that everything is OK. Then I wake up and reality smacks me between the eyes. I guess I never pictured myself not being with him, because everything we did together just seemed so natural, like it was always meant to be.
I'm trying the technique of attempting to block out the good memories, and replace them with all the bad ones, of seeing his face and seeing what he does every time he doesn't get his way, basically. That helps a bit.
I think what I'm clinging to is the company, of what could have been. I miss the kisses, the snuggles, the having someone there to eat meals with and go places with and live with. I feel like the ground was taken out from under me, and now I'm free-falling and can't catch my breath.
I'm going to need to find a way to make new friends, I think, because the only ones I have are married or in serious relationships and have their own lives. Even my family are jet-setters, and always away. I can't do this on my own, the temptation to fall back into what was comfortable and familiar is too tempting.
How do I get my heart to understand what my head knows to be true?

There should not be "tests" in relationships and if there are, HE is the one who is failing.

He is unresolved about his last relationship and taking his anger at her out on you. Honestly, he sounds like a toxic idiot and you would be best to move on. Please move on and stop allowing this mistreatment.

I guess i feel like i was deceived. Like i'm in a bad dream and any minute now i'm going to wake up. I guess i just can't believe it's real. I can't eat and i'm barely sleeping. Every time i sleep, i dream that everything is ok. Then i wake up and reality smacks me between the eyes. I guess i never pictured myself not being with him, because everything we did together just seemed so natural, like it was always meant to be.
I'm trying the technique of attempting to block out the good memories, and replace them with all the bad ones, of seeing his face and seeing what he does everytime he doesn't get his way, basically. That helps a bit.
I think what i'm clinging to is the company, of what could have been. I miss the kisses, the snuggles, the having someone there to eat meals with and go places with and live with. I feel like the ground was taken out from under me, and now i'm free-falling and can't catch my breath.
I'm going to need to find a way to make new friends, i think, because the only ones i have are married or in serious relationships and have their own lives. Even my family are jet-setters, and always away. I can't do this on my own, the temptation to fall back into what was comfortable and familiar is too tempting.
How do i get my heart to understand what my head knows to be true?

Just get out and do something besides sitting in the house! You have to force yourself.

Sometimes its just the act of putting one foot in front of the other and making a move.Go for a walk,take a class that has always interested you.Treat yourself to a nice dinner.Anything!

I know it is difficult to change your entire focus back to you but you can do this!
Even if your friends are married ,that does not mean they would not be up for company.
Go visit them!

Check out this web site and see if there isn't something in your area that interests you.
Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com (http://www.meetup.com/)

You got along without him before you met him and you can can get along without him now.

Yeah, you're right. I'm going to try. Last night I went for supper at my parents' and that was nice, for the most part I was able to stick this in the back of my mind and just enjoy the night. Coming home was so hard because I knew he was there. I'm going to try and go for a walk sometime today just to get some fresh air and get out of the house. Now how do I deal with the dread and sickening feeling of coming home? Other than getting him to move out, as it can't happen overnight (I need the one month's notice, as I can't afford the rent on my own).

Now how do I deal with the dread and sickening feeling of coming home? Other than getting him to move out, as it can't happen overnight (I need the one month's notice, as I can't afford the rent on my own).
You just have to bite the bullet and tell yourself* I can do this,I am strong*.You just have to psyche yourself up and give yourself a pep talk.
Have confidence in your ability to survive this.If you don't feel it ,fake it until it becomes real.
I would also start looking for potential roommates as it may take some time to find the right person.
Be sure to ask for references from previous landlords.

I'm such an idiot. :( I couldn't stand it, it was driving me crazy, so I had to call him and find out what, in his mind, is going on. It's been just over 4 days since he went incommunicado completely, and I wanted to hear from him, what he's doing and wanted. It didn't go well. :(
He was cold right from the start of it. I asked how it's going. He said 'fine'. I asked what he was doing, he said 'nothing.' I asked if maybe he wanted to do something with me today, hang out or go somewhere, he said 'no, I don't think so, not a good idea.' I asked why is that, again, just said 'not a good idea.' I told him I miss him, he just said 'mm-hmm.' I asked if we could talk, or if he could tell me what's going on, and he said 'some other time.' I asked when that might be, and then he asked if I was bullying him. I said no, I just miss you and would like to see you, and again, he just said 'some other time'. I asked if this is a space thing he needs or what, and he said 'let's start with that, but you're not really giving me that now, are you?' I apologized, and said I am, that's why I only called. I asked if it was something I did, or what is it, and he said 'what did I just tell you?' Then he said he had to go. That was it. :(
What?? Why??
You're all right about why to go NC... but I guess seeing (or hearing) is believing. Now I know from experience.
It's just so hard! I hate this so much! I can't believe he would do this to me, to us, how he can be so cold and callous. It's like he's completely heartless. I'm dying inside, and he just doesn't care. I can't believe any of this is happening...

You're all right about why to go NC... but I guess seeing (or hearing) is believing. Now I know from experience.
It's just so hard! I hate this so much! I can't believe he would do this to me, to us, how he can be so cold and callous. It's like he's completely heartless. I'm dying inside, and he just doesn't care. I can't believe any of this is happening...

Hopefully you will get mad enough to say"I'm not taking this anymore"! I deserve better!
Honey,he is not worth all this pain. Sorry that he had to be such an obvious jerk for you to see what it clear from this perspective.
Come back anytime you need to ,we are here to help you when you feel the need to connect with him.We will try to help you see the error in that .

I do see him as being a jerk, I just don't get why he is. :( maybe that's why I'm being so obstinate about this, because we were so good together, we were having a good time together and now he goes and does this, and I don't know why. :( I don't understand what any of the conversation means, and I just don't get why he's doing this. Initially, I wanted to wait until Tuesday to contact him (would be one week NC), but I lost my resolve today. I don't want this to just be silence until whenever he feels like it, I want answers! Why does he refuse to give it to me? If he's done in his mind, why won't he just say so? I'm tempted to call him Tuesday and force it out of him. Confront him, get him angry, I don't care, I just want to hear him say "i'm done with you, leave me alone forever." Then I'll really believe it. I guess I want him to say that if that's what he's thinking, because then it'll eliminate my temptation to want to be with him, if that makes sense. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I guess I just don't get that he doesn't want to, it seems like he is just very angry with me, but he won't tell me why. Ugh, I wish I wish I wish...

The best thing that worked for me when I feel stressed out is exercising. A work out is good for your mind, body, and soul. Take up kick boxing or something. It is fun!

Also, try volunteering some where like at a hospital, nursing home, school, big brother big sister program, shelter, etc.

Do something for yourself. Pamper yourself. Go get your hair and nails done or go to the spa or (as Tal said one time) do some retail theraphy. Go shopping!

After you get completely over this guy your going reflect on the relationship you had with him and think to yourself "How could I been so stupid" and won't believe you wasted time with him.

Write down a list of qualites that you want and don't want from a guy and use it as a guide for your next relationship.

Right now your in a funk but you will get pass him. Gather all the strength and willpower you have. If you have to cry then let the tears out instead of keeping it bottle in. Take it one day at time because like Gloria Gaynor said "I will survior" listen to the song and make it your motto.

I do see him as being a jerk, i just don't get why he is. :( maybe that's why i'm being so obstinate about this, because we were so good together, we were having a good time together and now he goes and does this, and i don't know why. :( I don't understand what any of the conversation means, and i just dont get why he's doing this. Initially, i wanted to wait til tuesday to contact him (would be one week NC), but i lost my resolve today. I dont want this to just be silence til whenever he feels like it, i want answers! Why does he refuse to give it to me? If he's done in his mind, why won't he just say so? I'm tempted to call him Tuesday and force it out of him. Confront him, get him angry, i don't care, i just want to hear him say "i'm done with you, leave me alone forever." Then i'll really believe it. I guess i want him to say that if that's what he's thinking, because then it'll eliminate my temptation to want to be with him, if that makes sense. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but i guess i just don't get that he doesn't want to, it seems like he is just very angry with me, but he won't tell me why. Ugh, I wish i wish i wish...

Maybe he is getting back with the ex he can't seem to get over and is taking his crap out on you.Maybe he is making arrangements to leave and he wants to do that without discussing anything,as per his usual behavior.

You said you were having a good time together but he was always pouting and acting like a baby and when you gave in everything was O.K.
Then things were good,as long as you did not expect communication and an adult relationship,it was good.
Honey,are you kidding? What was good?

Artlady I had to spread the rep and I think you did an awesome job on this thread.

No, he's not getting back with his ex, he really does hate her, even more so in the last couple of weeks. He left her for a number of reasons, and he's never really had too much of an issue with her until as of late. She's trying to take his kids away from him by moving to another country. I think he's definitely taking out frustrations with her on me though. If he was trying to leave, why wouldn't he say? He'd be done with me, and that way he'd ensure I wouldn't keep "bugging" him, plus he'd need to give me notice anyway?
Yeah, you're right... whenever I gave in, and let the little things slide, he was happy, and then things were good. And yes, as long as he never has to communicate his issues if he doesn't want to, there's never a problem. Oh, I wish I could stop loving him. I wish I could hate him. But I can't right now, try as I might, and this not knowing is killing me.
Could he be bipolar? I'm not making an excuse for his behavior, he has suffered from depression about 3 years ago, but I was wondering if it has progressed to something more.

Artlady I had to spread the rep and I think you did an awesome job on this thread.

Thanks hon,you too!
I just wish she could see things as they look from this objective perspective.I know its hard when you are the person hoping something will change.Sad.

No, he's not getting back with his ex, he really does hate her, even more so in the last couple of weeks. He left her for a number of reasons, and he's never really had too much of an issue with her until as of late. She's trying to take his kids away from him by moving to another country. I think he's definitely taking out frustrations with her on me though. If he was trying to leave, why wouldn't he say? He'd be done with me, and that way he'd ensure i wouldn't keep "bugging" him, plus he'd need to give me notice anyway?
Yeah, you're right...whenever i gave in, and let the little things slide, he was happy, and then things were good. And yes, as long as he never has to communicate his issues if he doesn't want to, there's never a problem. Oh, i wish i could stop loving him. I wish i could hate him. But i can't right now, try as i might, and this not knowing is killing me.
Could he be bipolar? I'm not making an excuse for his behavior, he has suffered from depression about 3 years ago, but i was wondering if it has progressed to something more.

His reasons for his behavior are of no consequence.He is treating you like crap and that is the bottom line.Couples share the pain and troubles,that's what couples do.
Are you going to let him get away with this again?
All he has to do is pout and be a jerk and he gets his way. You have established that in the relationship and that is all your going to get in the future.
Of course he could be bi polar,he could also just be a selfish one way.

Cassie it seems like your making excuses for his behavior. I don't care what he is going through that is no reason for him to treat you like crap. And you shouldn't take being treated like crap. This isn't love maybe one sided love only on your part.

Also, don't think for minute he is going give you notice before he moves out. Maybe he will tell you while he is movie but I doubt he will give you a 30 days notice.

You need to open your eyes and leave. Don't wait for him to do it.

Yeah, I guess I am. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :(
I guess I assume he'd give notice because I didn't think he'd just leave. He knows I'd be in a really tough spot without him.
If I was breaking up with someone, if I was initiating it, I'd make sure they knew. I don't get why if that's his intent why he hasn't done it yet? Why he wouldn't say?
I'll put the word out that I'm looking for a roommate on Tuesday... :(

Yeah, I guess I am. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :(
I guess I assume he'd give notice because I didn't think he'd just leave. He knows I'd be in a really tough spot without him.
If I was breaking up with someone, if I was initiating it, I'd make sure they knew. I don't get why if that's his intent why he hasn't done it yet? Why he wouldn't say?
I'll put the word out that I'm looking for a roommate on Tuesday... :(

Good, and you need to serve him as well.You have to give him a legal eviction notice.

If I was breaking up with someone, if I was initiating it, I'd make sure they knew.
That is you ,who communicates and are adult. Clearly,you can't expect from him what he has never been able to give.
Glad to hear you are moving forward and making changes to protect yourself.
Make sure you do this all legally and I wish you the best during this week,when he gets his eviction notice,he may have an even bigger tantrum than he is used to having.

He is an abuser.

He is a person who has controlled your emotions, self esteem, and through his mastery of being so skilled at control, has even managed to control how you feel about yourself, your appetite, your normal activities, and keeps you walking on egg shells until he decides that you can put your slippers on for a few days.

An abuser does not wish to talk about 'feelings' and 'reasons' and 'being reasonable' because all that they need psychologically, they get from controlling others. To be in a relationship with such a man, is to accept him the way he is. Which you have done, by being grateful for the crumbs, mixed messages, and moods he throws your way.

You have to learn by the way he walks, or talks, if he's angry, or getting angry. The smallest words can have the biggest meaning, and you knock yourself out trying to avoid what is coming. You throw your best self forward in a loving, concerned way, and he takes that love, twists it around until you don't know which end is up, and spits it in your face.

He masks his anger, which is what really drives him. Abusers are walking tornados and you never know from one minute to the next when the wind is going to pick up, and what is going to hit the fan.

You live on the edge, whether he is there, or whether he is not. Even if he is gone, all your thoughts revolve around him, and what will happen when he calls, or comes home. He keeps you hanging and sends the odd manipulative control hammer now and again, such as the appointment text, just to keep you guessing and trying to figure out what the heck THAT means.

Having control over another person to such an extent only serves the person with the control. They cannot live without gaining the self gratification, feelings of power, and having their ego's fed until they've decided they've had enough.

They don't give anything back, because it does not serve their needs.

You need to see that this is only about you inasmuch as it suits his purpose to have you around to manipulate to serve HIS needs.

There is no equality here, no line in the sand that he does not determine for you. You have no say, no authority, no control over what you think, feel, and do, because the simplest sentence, or gesture, is enough to undermine you and put you in your place.

It is terribly dangerous, not just annoying. He is far more than being immature.

He is an abuser, and you are the willing victim.

Get out while you can, you will never fix, cure or change him. Take your life back. Give him notice, and start thinking for yourself again.

Wow, that's very good. I think you have him nailed, like Gemini said. Everything you describe is exactly him.
I think I know what drives him, where this abusive nature came from. He's gone to therapy before for a different issue, and it helped. Is there any way I can suggest therapy to him now, with him actually listening, or at least, not flying off the handle? Anything I can say? With me not around, the only ones he'll be able to control are his own children, as he's pushed everyone else away... and I care about those kids, and don't want to see that happening. :(

I hate this. It's 3am, and I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. I can't stop the thoughts. I think I'm addicted, I want to call him, see him, email him, and just ask why. Why are you being like this? You never used to be... what changed? Why can't you just be with me without the drama, the issues, the control? The question is... how would he respond to something like that? Would it push him away? Would it make him think "hey, she has a point"? Even though my head tells me it would be a bad idea, my heart wants me to do it. Please tell me something so I don't, so I just let it go. :(

Don't do it. By approaching him you're giving him more and more control.

He loves the drama, he loves you being responsive to his whims. He pushes you away so that he can see you come hurtling back. He loves this.

He's good at creating that addiction, because some part of you is needy.

He won't listen to your pleas, they will only make him stronger and you weaker.

Resist the emails, texts, whatever. Have a drink, watch a DVD, scream into your pillow. Whatever it takes to resist the temptation. Don't do it.

Personally I think your mad for staying with him, have a bit of self confidence and realise you don't need a mad boyfriend like this. His issues are his not yours! So to sound so harse but he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness. If I were you I wouold send him a calm email, telling him the rental agreement still stands and you want to formalise this. You should tell him your relationship is over but you would like to remain civil for the rental arrangement and if he can't do that he should move out all together.
It will be hard for you to make this break but its for the best. I think you know that.
Give yourself sometime to get over this man, eat plenty of ice cream and chocolate and get out with your girls. You'll soon find your thinking of him less and less until he's a distant memory you'll choose not to think about.
I wish you all the best!:o

You're all so wise. This is so hard. Every time I have a good thought of him, or miss him, I try to replace that thought with a time when he was a jerk, and there are several very significant times I can remember and that sometimes helps. But then a memory will flash in my head of something he does every day that's so sweet, or something about him that's so unique and special, and I get scared because I've never met anyone with those characteristics and I'm scared I never will again. I don't want to lose that, but I can't keep living like this either.
I remember at one point in our relationship he mentioned that he's scared of commitment because of what happened with his ex, and is self-destructive in relationships. Is this a test? If I leave, is he going to hate me and go 'see, I was right, I am self-destructive and she's just like my ex'? And if I stay, it'll reinforce that he's in control?

How can he be living life normally, doing whatever he wants to do just as easily as before, and I'm going through hell and can barely function?? :(

Your be able to focus on your life and put it back together once you stop trying to figure out his motives behind his actions.

I could give you an endless list to why he does things but most importantly he walked over you because you allowed it.

He is going continue to live him life while your having sleepless nights and unable to focus. Let it go so your healing can be begin. It is all about willpower.

How can he be living life normally, doing whatever he wants to do just as easily as before, and I'm going through hell and can barely function???? :(

I think the trick is not to think of him, as much as you can. When you find yourself thinking about him just say to yourself - "Stop"! Do it every time you think of him.

Does not his cold behavior tell you something about him?

Would you want to get back with someone that behaves in this way?

Think about that.

I'm trying, I really am. :(
I guess that's part of my problem. I'm trying to figure out his behavior. Trying to figure out why he's acting this way, how he can act this way, why he doesn't just come out and say what he means, what he's thinking! Why is that so hard? It's obvious he doesn't give a rip about my feelings, so why can't he just say what he's thinking? What's he got to lose? He's got to know he's going to lose me anyway, so it can't be the loss of control. :(
I guess I'm under the illusion that if I got back together with him, I could tell him "this is conditional. You need therapy. I won't be going through that again."
Sigh... tomorrow, it'll be one week since he left. How much space does he need before he talks to me again? I just want answers... :(

Do you really need answers?

Do you really need him to talk to you?

Even if the answers are bad... I think yeah, I do. :( The not knowing is killing me.

I think your whole problem is that your going through a break up, which can't be easy, but are still around the guy your breaking up with. Recognize this as you can never heal, while your still seeing him, and what he does everyday.

One of you has to go.

Reading this thread is driving me crazy. There are many decent, kind, healthy communicators out there just waiting for you to fall in love with them! This guy is a complete jerk. All of the others are right- he's doing this as a means to control and torture you. Cassicat, this guy is not relationship material. You will never get an explanation for his behavior.

You need to get out of there as quickly as possible. Don't try to fix anything, just get out.

You are so overwhelmingly controlled by this man that you cannot even find yourself.

You need answers in order to somehow figure out why he treats you the way he does. In having answers, you can put some sort of reason to it, and then once you have that, maybe he has some disorder that can be cured.

You've got it all wrong here.

If he were to say 'jump' right now, you would. You'd go and get him and be thrilled to have him back. You are not in the mindset to say no, and take back any of your own power and control over your own life.

He is a man who will do you no good, has done you no good, and will continue because he chooses not to either believe he has a problem, or believes he doesn't need to change. Why should he, he gets what he wants, when he wants.

I urge you to seek counselling, or do a little research online to find out what characterizes an abusive relationship, and why dominance by this man, controls your life. How to change yourself is the only way you will find happiness.

When you no longer think every waking moment about him, and why he does what he does looking for reasons to justify his behaviour, only then will you beging to see what you have lost of yourself in this relationship.

Please think about counselling as well. Many women just like you have been down this road, and it is a dead end. Find out why so you can think for yourself, and think what is best for yourself. Abusers are a dime a dozen.

Real strenghth and control is what you can only do for yourself.

Your boyfriend seems to have unresolved issues that will keep entering your relationship. I am curious to know how your live-in relationship evolved. How was your relationship before you moved in together?
My boyfriend has similar post-tramatic type behaviors. He'll be talking to me, but he seems to be referring to something that happened in his past, sometimes I totally don't understand where he's coming from. I have come to realize that we love each other dearly, but we just can't live in each other's spaces. He lives across town and sometimes we crash at each other's place. Our relationship works best that way. We've tried moving in with each other, but it just doesn't seem to work out, and I thought it meant we were breaking up, but it didn't. We've had many discussions about our relationship, and I think living apart works for us. You would need to decide what type of love relationship that you want.

Update: so it's been about 3 weeks since he broke up with me. We ended up talking about a week after it happened. I'm not sure why he approached me, but anyway, I ended up getting a, albeit twisted and nonsensical, explanation out of him for why it happened in the first place. He gave me 2 different ones, on two different days.
The first time he gave me a reason, he said I was just a trigger and that if it hadn't been me, it would've been someone else. He's too stressed out with everything that's happening in his life and couldn't deal with me too.
The second time he gave me a reason, he said I had "betrayed" him by being "unstable" and "aggressive" in my response to the fight. He said two unstable people cannot help each other, and he therefore, as much as it sucks, needs to deal with everything on his own, behind a wall, and keep me at arm's length.
I strongly suggested he get therapy, to get an unbiased perspective on his life, but he says they won't be able to help him.
I still see him everyday, but only as a friend.
I'm starting to see him for what/who he is. He used to be kind, caring, compassionate, and used to make me a priority in his life. He doesn't anymore. He actually has become a real jerk. He's rude, selfish, self-centered, lazy, and makes cutting and hurtful remarks at me. When I do things to help him out (as a friend, to be nice and alleviate some of his stress) by doing his dishes or whatever, he glares at me, and demands to know why I'm helping him, what my reason is. I tell him, because I care, and want to help you out. He said his ex did it as a means of controlling him, of making him feel guilty for not helping, is that what this is?
When I called him on his behavior/comments, he said it's his way of making sure I'm still at a distance. Well congrats... it's working, I hope he's happy. Who wants to get close to that?
I have a list of many reasons of why I can't be with him... primarily, he's not the man I fell in love with, he's mean to me, and I don't think he's going to change back because he seems to justify his actions/feelings by saying it's all because of his ex. He's no better than serial killers who blame their parents for abusing them as children, and cite that as the reason for their behavior now.
I understand she hurt him deeply, and damaged him. But I'm thinking that's no excuse to treat his girlfriend, who's supposed to be important to him and mean something to him, like dirt. He thinks he has the right, that he's justified because of what he's been through, and what I've put him through... but I'm not OK with that.
What I want to know is... when does it start getting easier? :( It still hurts so much. We really did have something special, and I'm reminded of the little things, the sweet things, the good things, far too much. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, and other days, I can't even sleep. I want the pain to stop.

You still have him living with you? If so, this won't help with your healing. It will only interfere with it.

Even the worst of relationships are not 100% bad, 100% of the time. Eventually you survive by remembering the good times, when things were emotionally healthy, easy to understand, and pleasant.

It is much more difficult to put your finger on specific dates, times, places to snap back to reality and remember, or remind yourself, why you made the decision that you did.

One way to help do this is keep a diary. When you start to doubt yourself, think about the times he made you feel less than human. You don't need to remember anything specific, such as an event, but that was a common behaviour theme with him. Write out how it made you feel, how it affected your thinking, self esteem, day to day living, etc.

As you remember, and write these feelings out, such as the fear, insecurity, distance, denial, inability to see he needs help, etc, you will have a better perspective of how it really, truly was.

Before long you will have a lot more balance between the good, and the bad.

Try to look at the total, in a critical, sober way. He is the way he is, and many traits you can now identify from an emotional distance, far better than you could when it was actually happening.

Another bonus for taking stock in this way, is that you will be better prepared the next time you are thinking about getting into a serious relationship.

I'm with Liz... once you are in separate dwellings, things will get easier. You need to not be under the same roof!

You will never heal while your still living together. Somebody has to go, and until you take the steps to make that happen, you will be miserable.

Amazing how you have not given him his notice, no matter how he treats you.

I
still see him everyday, but only as a friend.

He isn't your friend. He is someone who makes you miserable.

This person is determined to make your life miserable, and still you keep him around.

Yes, that's really commendable, compassionate even, but it only makes HIS life easier doesn't it? What about your life? What about your feelings?

He's now shown you his true colours:


He said I had "betrayed" him by being "unstable" and "aggressive" in my response to the fight. He said two unstable people cannot help each other, and he therefore, as much as it sucks, needs to deal with everything on his own, behind a wall, and keep me at arm's length. I strongly suggested he get therapy, to get an unbiased perspective on his life, but he says they won't be able to help him.

Spoken like the true narcissist Jake suggested he is.

Don't kid yourself that by being kind to him in some way you'll earn his appreciation and respect. He's determined to blame everyone else for the things that happen to him and from now on you'll be in the same 'box' in his mind as the Ex.

Unfortunately, your pain won't go away overnight - it's called grieving and disappointment and it's something we all go through when relationships end.

The thing that you can and must do, as the other posters have already said is get him out of your house. ASAP.

He's looking for his own place.
He said we're friends. I'm OK with that. I thought that meant I was still important to him on some level, and that was comforting. To me, that would mean he really does have issues, that it's not me, and that it doesn't change the way he feels about me.
Today was my b-day, and he didn't even acknowledge it. I know he knows what day it is, because 2 months ago he was talking about what we should do to celebrate it. I guess he's become so self-centered because of everything lately that he really did forget.
It shouldn't have hurt me as much as it did. I thought on some level he still cared, still felt something for me. Guess not. How do you get over being this angry and in this much pain? So many of you have done that, and I'm so proud and impressed at you guys for doing so. I keep thinking I'm not that strong though.

If you look at your original post/question, you have many of the same concerns then, that you do now. Same deal, different day. You are still trying to figure him out, and, I suspect, win him back. Neither is going to happen.

Try to think of what you are letting go, and what you will gain from it.

Write out a list of 10 things that you will NOT miss.

I had said earlier that you should seek counselling. At the very least, keep a daily diary of how you are feeling so you can see progress as he moves closer to the door. Think positive about having your own space again! Your own power and control to make decisions that you want to make that are good for you. Give yourself the luxury of thinking that you can, and you will do better for yourself. You don't need this man in your life. The relationship is over. Let him go.

Counselling can help you work through the steps of greiving as Gemini said. This is a huge part of how you let go of your past, and move on with confidence in your future. If you don't work through this and remain wondering about things like why he forgot your birthday, you'll be spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere.

Take charge. Start by giving yourself the momentum to take back your life. While he is casually working at finding another place to live, you give him the date. Tell him it is just too difficult for you to have him in the house, and you want him out by the weekend.

In the main part of the house, if he has any belongings laying around, pack them up. Put all pictures, gifts, personal items of his, in a box too. Anything he doesn't need for day to day living such as clothes, put them in a box. Make sure that there is no excuse or reason for him to return after he's finally on his way.

You will not find your strength in thinking about how you are going to get through all of this. You will find your strength in taking charge, accepting that it is over, and making a commitment to face the future without him. There is no magic pill to get you through this.

Thinking you are not going to be strong enough isn't an option. Pull yourself together, start taking steps to take your life back, and say goodbye to the past.

He's looking for his own place.
He said we're friends. I'm ok with that. I thought that meant i was still important to him on some level, and that was comforting. To me, that would mean he really does have issues, that it's not me, and that it doesn't change the way he feels about me.
Today was my b-day, and he didn't even acknowledge it. I know he knows what day it is, because 2 months ago he was talking about what we should do to celebrate it. I guess he's become so self-centered because of everything lately that he really did forget.
It shouldn't have hurt me as much as it did. I thought on some level he still cared, still felt something for me. Guess not. How do you get over being this angry and in this much pain? So many of you have done that, and i'm so proud and impressed at you guys for doing so. I keep thinking i'm not that strong though.

Look up narcissist on the internet, and you'll possibly see some similarities to what you're dealing with here. At least it will assist yo to understand that it's not about you.

It's not easy to get over the pain, because you were willing to give of yourself, but you will. No one ever died of a broken heart, as they say in the classics.

Take it a day at a time.