Okay, so I met this guy over Christmas and we started seeing each other. In the beginning of march we had a talk about what this was and we decided to be lovers. I kind of said one thing in particular that I regretted the same day... that I could never fall in love with him or be with him because he partied too much. His answer was that he could never be with me or fall in love with me because I'm not the sort of person who would stop him from partying too much.

The next day he told me that the reason he hadn't introduced me to his family yet was because we weren't serious and would most likely never be serious. 5 days later I'm suddenly in his moms living-room and the day after that I also met his brother. A week after meeting them I told him that I felt it was mean of him to introduce me after telling me he wasn't going to do so. It was also mean because it kind of led his mom to believe that things were more serious then they were(and still are). I said this because I felt bad about it when I met her... she told me it was nice to finally meet me and that she had been wondering who I was and so on and hoped I'd come back and visit some other time and I knew I probably wouldn't be doing that and then I felt really bad about it. Dishonest somehow...

We also made an agreement at the beginning of march that if either of us did fall in love with the other we should be honest about it. I honestly think I'm starting to fall in love with him and a part of me doesn't want to be honest about it, but I also want to be realistic cause I know this is NEVER going anywhere. 1. I believe that the things he said are true. 2. I'm a terrible commitment phobe. 3. so is he. I've also been perfectly comfortable with things the way they are... he's fun to hang out with and I don't feel tied down in anyway or pressured and I like that!

Should I tell him? Or should I just kind of pull out slowly (like get my stuff from his house and just have less and less contact?

Tell him. Regardless of your own concerns, he deserves to know exactly how you feel and where you both stand in the relationship.

It sounds like you have tried dropping plenty of signals, but you need to come right out with it and tell him exactly what you want. If you don't know what you want... well, that's something you got to sort out on your own. And it's not fair to string him along while you figure yourself out. Same goes for him.

~ Tee

Roxy be honest with him wouldn't you want the same?

Why are you breaking up with him. It seems like he is into you but don't know how to express it, some guys can't.

This relationship is still new so you don't have to worry about things too quick. I say continue hanging out without the labels if you want.

I know your scare of being tied down but what does it really means to be tied down? Life doesn't stop and it good to have someone around to share things with, talk to, kiss and hug, cuddle up with while watching a movie, him cooking you a meal (not a sandwich), etc.

I think you should really think about the move your going make because I don't want you to regret it Roxy heart.

Why would you want to end something you enjoy?

If you are on the same page, what's the problem? Why would it NEVER go anywhere?

Both of you should communicate your expectations of each other and go from there.

Nothing wrong with telling him you have feelings for him, because if you really do and they are not reciprocated by him, you know what's next... a broken heart : (

Find out what you want from each other... before you get too invested

Tell him. If you love someone let them know before its too late. I am sure if you don't tell him and something gets in the way you might regret it for the rest of your life! Life is unpredictable, you never what could happen the next day.

Thank you all for answering!

The thing I realized this weekend was that for now I'm happy with things the way they are... but I do want a committed relationship...

The reason it would never go anywhere; well I'm friends with his best friend and we had a talk and he said that the guy in question told him (like early in) that if I fell in love with him we'd have to end it. Of course that was over 3 months ago and he might have changed is mind.

Also, personally I dread getting close to people. I dread opening up. And I guess that's what I mean by being tied down.

Liz: your post literally made me cry (in a good way!) and you are right it is early to be worried about it, but I'm just scared. And I do think I'm going to think about it and I do think I'll end up telling him...


All of you are right, I'l probably regret it if I don't. I would want him to tell me and I guess I should just get the words out.

Survior: I know, makes no sense right: to end something you enjoy, but for the past two weeks or so I've been in total fight or flight mode... and I've seriously been considering the latter because I honestly do not want to get my heart broken... I've also considered just waiting for a few weeks and just see what happens, but I do think its time for a talk either way...

Once again, thank you for your opinions! I really appreciate it!:)

You can't really go on what his friend says he wants or wouldn't want. Only he can tell you that.

I understand that these feelings and emotions are scary and it feels so safe behind our walls, doesn't it? But, it can get lonely behind them, too.

Taking chances is what life is all about, otherwise, what's the point? Good luck

Yeah it really does feel pretty safe, and your right it can also become very very lonely!

He did tell me that himself though, but we had known each other for like 3 weeks at the time and if someone told me after knowing me for 3 weeks that they were in love with me I'd say the same thing... and I wasn't in love with him at the time... I really need people to grow on me and feel safe enough to allow myself to feel anything at all.

Yeah... I'm usually a big fan of taking chances, I usually jump with out looking but with him I kind of don't want to jump... because I'm scared of where I'll land... and he's kind of a rare find I guess, someone its not hard to be comfortable with, he is friends with my brother so I never had to have a talk about my pill addicted mom. And when she does wired things while under the infliction of pills he's understanding about it. Like when she totalluy crossed a line and called him and ranted about nothing for 20 minutes. He was abandoned by his dad as a kid, so I never had to explain how that feels either. He's smart, he's funny, he's independent and knows how to take care of himself, he's calm.

Thank you! LOL I think I need it. (the good luck that is ;) )

Roxy in one word "relax" and enjoy getting to know each other. This is the fun part. Hehe

Lol yeah, I should relax... just got a little panicky once that red light switched on! And of course falling in love shouldn't be a red light at all, maybe a less danger inflicted color I guess. (I SOOO know what I'm going to spend my next therapy session on... lowering my shoulders, opening up, letting go of my fears and relaxing... )

Have to admit though that I've kind of been holding back a bit lately with him (personality wise, because some people think I'm a bit too much... I talk too fast, when I'm exited I talk too loud, I can go on and on about stuff that few people think is interesting...

And on the latter he never says anything negative, he just lets me talk and joins the conversation... and of course that has started to freak me out to because I've kind of gotten a little used to people disliking or frowning at sides of myself I like, because I like these things about myself... ;)

Okay, rant over... going to work on relaxing now! ;)

lol yeah, i should relax... just got a little panicky once that red light switched on! and of course falling in love shouldn't be a red light at all, maybe a less danger inflicted color I guess. (I SOOO know what I'm gonna spend my next therapy session on... lowering my shoulders, opening up, letting go of my fears and relaxing... )

Have to admit though that I've kinda been holding back a bit lately with him (personality wise, because some people think i'm a bit too much... I talk to fast, when I'm exited i talk too loud, I can go on and on about stuff that few people think is interesting... and on the latter he never says anything he just lets me talk and joins the conversation... and of course that has started to freak me out to because I've kinda gotten a little used to people disliking or frowning at sides of myself I like because i like these things about myself.... ;)

okay, rant over... going to work on relaxing now!! ;)

lol, love is an amazing thing. Sure don't need to panic =P it should come natural, makes you feel good inside, and have a great time during it.

None: LOl true! It is and it really should. Hehe. And I really really do like him, I've actually tried to ignore it for a few weeks, the really liking him thing. But whenever I'm going to see him I get really really happy. If we have a plan to do something on a Friday, I wake up happy on wends, thurs AND Friday feeling exceptionally happy ;)

I think you want your cake and eat it to so to speak. I think you want to be in a relationship but if this one fails you can blame it on him being a pariter, lying about meeting his mom, etc. I get the feeling he feels the same way, in that he wants the relationship but if it fails he can blame you for holding him down.

As it stands now it's doomed to fail because there is no stability in this relationship, it's just living off the basic framework but once that goes so will the relationship.

If you are in love with the guy then tell him. He deserves that. If he says he can't handle that, then that's his problem, but you can walk away head held high that you did the right thing. You stood to your word and did right by the relationship, and more important you stood by you own integrity and honesty to yourself.

None: LOl true! It is and it really should. hehe. and i really really do like him, i've actually tried to ignore it for a few weeks, the really liking him thing. but whenever i'm going to see him i get really really happy. If we have a plan to do something on a friday, i wake up happy on wends, thurs AND friday feeling exceptionally happy ;)

Don't try to ignore it, embrace it lol. Its better let it be out in the open, you will feel way better and happier when you spend time with him that way.

Wish you two the best!! XD

Chuff: I think you hit the neigl(sp?) on the head... that's how I feel... if it falls a part the way it is now; I certainly can fool myself into thinking its his fault, and I also do feel that he can blame me... I said I could never fall in love with him... I said it first. I tried to safe guard myself in such a silly silly way and of course it bit me in the arse...

And you are right (as always... ;)) I do honestly think its doomed to fail the way it is now, because it has no where to go. We laid down some laws and they are just so tight and strict that it left us with NO options if we should want any and I do feel that I want some options... so in an attempt of not ending up with a feeling of being tied down... I still ended up tied down in someway or another.

I must say, this is why I love this site, you talk to real people, with real insight and different points of view and Its more cleansing then anything. Really!

And yes, it would only be fair to him and to me to tell him... I really do think I'll regret it...

1. If I walk away with out saying it... I will never know the out come...

2. I don't give him any say in the matter it really isn't fair. If he feels the same way then that's good, if he doesn't and it all goes really badly at least he knows... because what I think I realized over the past few hours is it isn't really fair to just disappear when things are going good with no explanation; even if he doesn't like the way I feel and even if he doesn't feel the same way...

None: thank you ;)

Chuff: I think you hit the neigl(sp?) on the head... thats how I feel... if it falls a part the way it is now; i certainly can fool myself into thinking its his fault, and i also do feel that he can blame me... I said I could never fall in love with him... i said it first. I tried to safe guard myself in such a silly silly way and of course it bit me in the arse....

Friends with benefits can never be safeguarded. Someone always falls for the other... or it was there the entire time and they lied to themselves about it. That being said, he might feel the same way, but not want to say it either. You are both caught in this weird circle. You set the rules where you can't care, if you do you have to say it, and you say it's over, so nobody says it. You are playing chicken with each other but destorying yourselves in the process.


and you are right (as always... ;))

I have got to get this copyrighted.


I do honestly think its doomed to fail the way it is now, because it has no where to go. we laid down some laws and they are just so tight and strict that it left us with NO options if we should want any and I do feel that I want some options... so in an attempt of not ending up with a feeling of being tied down.... I still ended up tied down in someway or another.

But so did he.


I must say, this is why i love this site, you talk to real people, with real insight and different points of view and Its more cleansing then anything. really!

and yes, it would only be fair to him and to me to tell him... i really do think i'll regret it...

I'm not wanting to make you a promise, but I get the impression you won't regret it. I think he's into you, which is why he brought you to him mom and brother. I think he's afraid to break the rules you two have set up so he's playing the same game you are. This is so unhealthy, but it's not broken. It will eventually break anyway like this, so approach him and say here's the deal, I fell for you, I'm holding to our rules. I'd love to continue this exclusively but you can't I understand there will be no hard feelings. I have a feeling if you tell him just like that and not pressure him he's going to be into you and it will give him a reason to open up himself.

Well, I don't think that I can add much to the discussion on this post - it's been really interesting reading what everyone has said and the responses from roxypox.

I would only like to say one thing, that I have found to be so true in my own life:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

Yea, I know, it's corny - but it's really true - there is no better way to get to know yourself and another person than though a relationship.

Put away the fear and just do it - don't overthink it and enjoy.

Chuff: yeah you really should get that copyrighted ;)

And thank you. That was a good suggestion (as a way of saying it!) I will do that!

Gemini: your so right! It really is better to love and lose then to never love at all. ;)

Thank you all for your advice, as well as support! I'm going to tell him (and of course tell you the out come ;))

PS: after I logged of and went to bed yesterday I remembered some stuff that he said a while ago.. He has some pretty wired thoughts as to what a relationship is... and it all seems like stupid excuses, e.g. since we live in different cities, we'd have to talk on the phone or txt everyday...

And you are right about his mom and brother, chuff, it was a pretty big deal for him.

Should I tell him? Or should I just kind of pull out slowly (like get my stuff from his house and just have less and less contact?

All of the above. You knew the risk when you first got together, and defined what you were doing. (basically its friends with benefits, you say lovers, )

Even though its way to early to say what happens next, you already know how you feel about it. Once your honest with yourself, you can be honest with him.

I find it striking your enjoying yourself, but want more. But I'm thinking its way to soon to be professing love after two months, and worrying about where things are headed, instead of enjoying getting to know each other better. Its only been a couple of months.

You are a risk taker though, and I like that in you. Just be flexible when you take risks.

I think your biggest mistake though is you have locked yourself into being exclusive, and not just dated without benefits first (or long enough). Now you want to change the agreement. Don't know how that will work.

Just me, what I do is hold off on confessing, and just do my own thing, and let him tell you how he feels.

Is this the famous, to much, to fast, scenario? I don't know but any relationship has to have room to grow, or it dies.

Honesty is always the best policy. Tell him where you are heading - tell him you think you are falling in love. Then the ball is in his court. He can either say he too is falling in love. Or he can say he never will, in which case I would advise you to get out before you get hurt badly. All the signs suggest that both of you are in fact falling in deep but you both seem scared to admit it - why? Relationships only become worthwhile when there is trust. It sounds very grown up to say you don't want commitment. But I reckon that's exactly what most of us want - we're just a little afraid of looking stupid if we admit it. TELL HIM!

I don't think they are falling in love, but are getting more attached to each other.

Well, I don't think that I can add much to the discussion on this post - it's been really interesting reading what everyone has said and the responses from roxypox.

I would only like to say one thing, that I have found to be so true in my own life:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

Yea, I know, it's corny - but it's really true - there is no better way to get to know yourself and another person than though a relationship.

Put away the fear and just do it - don't overthink it and enjoy.

Actually I see it differently lol I guess its opinion.

I think its better to never loved at all, than be loved and lost.

Thank you both for responding.


Well, tal you are right it has only been a few months and it is way way too early to be professing love, we kind of were friends with befits before we defined it as such... so its been almost 5 months... and I don\t think its so much professing that the love is here and its big and manifested, but more that its kind of heading in that direction. I'm somewhere between charmed and in love... does that make any sense?

I've given all of these answers and this thing a lot of thought to day and I guess what would be fair is to say that that's the direction I'm headed.

I would like to share a thought that struck me... and I had a talk with my sister about it and she pretty much agreed. I think that dating in Norway is pretty different then in some other places. Most people become a couple pretty fast, my sis and her Significant other became a couple after 1.5 months, one of my best friends and her boyf (of three years now) became a couple after a few weeks, a co-woker and her SO after a few days... and I didn't really tell people early on that me and this guy weren't really dating but more friends with benefits then anything else, so when I had known him for 2 months people thought it was weired that we weren't bf/gf, and now after almost 5 months they still thinks its weird. I also think that the people who know the both of us, and the people who know me just kind of think of it as more serious then it is... and we hang out with his friends all the time and they make no fuss about it, either way.

His mom told me that when she had asked to meet me... he had said that we weren't in a hurry and I'm not. But I do feel there is no way this can go anywhere, because I pulled the trigger too fast and said things I know now isn't true.

And of course with FwB it prob isn't that uncommon that one falls for the other, and what I've honestly realized is that I can't really keep this going the way it is, because there is no sense of direction and there is too much insecurity (at least for my sake)

TAL: as for risk taking... I like that you like that, I do to. ;)

I guess if things doesn't work out with me and my fiancé I should move to Norway. Hehe! Just a thought!

Every couple move at their own pace and I think your pace with your boyfriend is weird at all. I rather move slow than fast any day.

Hehe yeah maybe you should ;)

Yeah I guess so ;) Lol, I think everything about me is fast; I talk fast, move fast, walk fast...

PS Liz: Love your signature!

Actually i see it differently lol i guess its personal opinion.

I think its better to never loved at all, than be loved and lost.

Oh no! My heart breaks for you.

I've loved and lost and have NEVER regretted the experience. Being in love is too wonderful to not experience it.

Oh no! My heart breaks for you.

I've loved and lost and have NEVER regretted the experience. Being in love is too wonderful to not experience it.

His broken heart is still fresh... he'll change his mind. I have faith in him.

It's always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. WHY?

Experience.

Gemini, survivor: I do actually agree! But of course when a heart ache is still fresh it's a little difficult to image that it is better.

Hey Roxy girl! How you doin'? Geees, I also agree with them but boy isn't it true that when you're in the midst of it, it feels like it's (the pain) never going to go away. It's almost too painful right? I know this is a stupid comparison BUT... whenever I have a pet, I am so tormented for the day to come when they will... well leave. But I feel good knowing I gave them so much love and a happy home. K, wait,. this has nothing to do with the subject. I just know I don't like pain. None of us do. I wish I could take away yours and everone else's. Basically, I am with you more than you know. And these other guys really are too. I want to keep posted on this because it's helping me also. Be well!

And P.S. Yes, it makes sense to be between charmed and in love!

His broken heart is still fresh....he'll change his mind. I have faith in him.

It's always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. WHY?

Experience.

Thanks Survivy! I think that is how I will feel one day and just look back and think of it as a good thing. Im starting to actually. =P

Gemini, survivor: I do actually agree! But of course when a heart ache is still fresh its a little difficult to image that it is better.

Stop the pain, roxypox. Think about it this way, if you told him how you feel, the worst thing he will said is he doesn't feel the same but what about the best thing? With the answer you get from him, you can use it to see where you go from there with him.

I've learned that positive thinking can come a long way, it will turn out the way you picture it whether if its with him or someone else.

I did something horrible today. I acted like a HUGE B***H.

A couple of hours ago I called and asked if I could come by real quick and get some of my dvds, because I have my mom and dads house to myself so I want to watch some movies and chill.

He said: really... okay I'm at home the rest of the day. We're having a BBQ later and some beers if you want to stay.

So I walked over to his house went inside and got my movies, he asked me: are you taking all of your movies? Me: yes, I don't know which one to watch and what if I change my mind and I leave some here?

He was in a really good mood when I came. I was in a terrible mood. He tried to kiss me, I just pulled away, and he asked me why and I said I no reason, I'm just really tired and in a terrible mood. I told him, half laughing at, that if you want something you should just try to pick someone up if you guys go out later. You're not getting any here, not today.

He said: well why would I do that? Besides it isn't that easy, not that many interesting girls out there...

By the time I left he was in a really bad mood. I'm just so stupid. He also asked me how long I'm staying... if I go back tomorrow night or on Monday morning and I said prob Monday morning. I'm going to stay at my moms house till then. Easier that way... (of course I said this so he couldn't ask me to sleep over. B/c I usually do that on sundays and then he drives me to the bus on Monday morning)... and I won't see him until at least 2 weeks from now... because he is going on a trip.

I called him on my way home and apologized for being crabby, though... but I don't know. I think I just totally went into a zone this morning where I have decided to break things of with him. I'm even at the point where I only half care what he feels or thinks about it and if he gets sad... well too darn bad. I think the moment I started to consider the out come I started to let go...

Stop the pain, roxypox. Think about it this way, if you told him how you feel, the worst thing he will said is he doesnt feel the same but what about the best thing? With the answer you get from him, you can use it to see where you go from there with him.

I've learned that positive thinking can come a long way, it will turn out the way you picture it whether if its with him or someone else.

I have to say I'm not really feeling any pain right now... I meant like in general when it feels that way ;)

Have to say that I'm more conflicted.

That's what all relationships are about, conflicting feelings, moods, and attitudes, that have to be resolved.

As long as they are from an honest place its all good. (you could have taken the time to explain it to him, as we men don't have a clue) but you will have to be willing to communicate your feelings in an honest way sooner or later.

For now though, some distance doesn't hurt at all, as sometimes we want those resolution to our problems, right now, but it seldom happens that way. Irritating I know.

Yeah, I kind of hoped that he wouldn't have a clue. I don't think he does.

Yeah, its hard not to resolve this right away. I like doing things right away. But on the bright side, I have taken a long napp. And I think it did some good. So I'm not crabby anymore and I think I gained some patience at least.

He said: well why would I do that? besides it isn't that easy, not that many interesting girls out there....

Hint. HINT. THIS IS A HINT! IT CAN NOT BE ANY MORE CLEAR


I called him on my way home and apologized for being crabby, though.... but i don't know. I think I just totally went into a zone this morning where I have decided to break things of with him. I'm even at the point where I only half care what he feels or thinks about it and if he gets sad.... well too darn bad.

Did I completely miss something here?

The other day you debating on if you should tell him you like him, I believe he likes you and now your going to self sabatoge and then take him down with you and you don't even care how he feels about it?

What am I missing here?

You are missing the debts of insanity that goes of in my head once in a while like a time bomb...

I have a way to distance myself from all emotional things. Good and bad... today I did it and once I realized that I was self sabotaging, which took surprisingly long time to be honest, I tried to erect what I've done... He shouldn't suffer because I have issues... Its like I go into a mode where I become like a machine and in this situation a very destructive one... crazy, plain crazy

Yes, you are right Chuff, as always... it really is a hint... and yes, I'm trying to take him down with me. Subconsciously, but you're right. Gosh that sounds horrible, it is horrible!

Any tips how to avoid self sabotage and keep a clear head? I guess I can try very very hard to be conscious about it?

Self Sabotage is a protection mechinism in your brain that causes you to act out in a in a way that makes no logical sense. But the brain runs on emotions not logic, and emotionally you like this guy and you are afraid if you admit that to him this could be over, because of the rules you two made. So instead of going through with the action that might be painful you are going around it and breaking it off with him so that you can avoid the pain of rejection. The pain of rejection is worse then the pain of the actual separation, so you just planted the seeds of separation.

Your brain has protected itself, like the brain of any animal is designed to do. Unfortunately, the fact that you have overlooked is, he never rejected you, and while I maybe wrong, from what you right on this thread, I think he's just as much into you as you are him. You both made these ridicules rules and now you are both handcuffed to them. It's time you took the step and unlock the handcuffs. You need to tell him the truth. This relationship is based on a stupid premise and it can go nowhere because that premise is a lie. So you have to stand up for yourself and tell him you fell for him. If he doesn't feel the same way you will then deal with the rejection you are trying to avoid. But that rejection will actually make you stronger so that next time you might not practice self sabotage because you've faced it and lived it down.

This relationship needs some truth injected into about a month ago. He may not be your boyfriend, but from what you write he's never done anything to purposely disrespect you, and I believe that means he deserves the truth. You owe it to YOURSELF to give it him. If you can continue to lie to yourself, then your going to continue on with these mixed feelings and acting out in ways that do not make any sense or support your cause. Your cause here is not the relationship, but a healthy emotional outlook instead of a cloudly, confusing one. If he rejects you, you have a solid concrete answer, and a reason to move forward. But your emotional health will actually be better because you will have a solid reason to move forward and not play the"what if's" games going back in forth in your mind now so you will be emotionlly healthier even if you have rejection pain temporarily. If he does not reject you, you have an opportunity to get rid of the old rules and create new healthy ones that make sense for both you and will be more productive for your own emotional health.

WOW! Its hard to answer you last Post chuff, mostly because its so on and so true and filled with an insight that is undeniable and unquestionable... Thank you! Really!

Sometimes I need to be pulled back in towards what I know should be done. I knew it this morning and then I just backed out of the thought and create awful new ones.

Rejection isn't that hard once I've been rejected. Then its over and its done. Its more the time before I might be rejected that's hard.

Once again Chuff, thanks!

My advice always leans towards telling the truth and following my heart.

But there are two sides to everything...
I know a woman that told her boyfriend how she felt, and it lead to their break-up. I think she's regretting it now, because their "friends with benefits" relationship was going pretty good up until then.

My advice always leans towards telling the truth and following my heart.

Agreed.


I know a woman that told her boyfriend how she felt, and it lead to their break-up. I think she's regretting it now, because their "friends with benefits" relationship was going pretty good up until then.

I disagree with this. Granted, I'm assuming a lot from two sentences but from what you describe it was never a solid relationship of any kind. They were never boyfriend/girlfriend if they were friends with benefits. This is exactly the problem people in these relationships form. They confuse what they are and never make it clear to themselves or there sexual partner. The rules for the relationship changed for her but not for him in what you describe above. But she wasn't honest with herself because if she had feeling for him and he didn't for her, then she was just going to be used from that point forward. It was in HER best interest to speak up even if it did end the relationship, because once she was over the pain of the rejection she was clear minded to move forward. That could not have happened if she stayed and "waited" for him to change his mind, while she emotionally suffered.

I agree with Chuff on this. I'm dreading the talk because I can't calculate the outcome. I like to be prepared. But at the same time I know I have to have the talk. (thanx to chuff for pulling me back in)

I think your friend was prob better of in the long run. I personally do feel that If he will never feel the same about me, it ain't worth my time. I also feel that for me, personally, myself respect would take a dive from it... and I really do not wish to go there.

I tried talking to him to day, but chickened out :p might do it later today though... He's been a little distant the past two weeks, so I just want to get it over with. Either way, I won't see him the next too weeks anyway...

Here I go again, sex may be great, and so are the walks in the park, and the ice cream in the summer, but no relationships can survive when there is no honest communications, and when your feelings change, your partner should be the second one to know, so you both can make a good decision based on facts.


I'm dreading the talk because i can't calculate the outcome. I like to be prepared

Break ups may hurt, but that's not a bad thing. Not wishing you bad luck Roxy, but when partners can't deal with the changes that come up in a relationship, they leave.

Acknowledging your changing feelings is something he needs to know, plain and simple. Glad your working to that end, it's the best way to go, whatever he chooses to do about it.

I had a talk with him last night.

I told him that I needed to talk to him about something that had been on my mind lately, I said that I had realized that I could fall in love with him.

He said: that's not good. This means we have to end it. I can't see us working in the long run.

Me: what is it that you believe can't work out.

Him: we are too different, similar on some points , but different and for me it would never work in the long run. And I'm not willing to try something that I don't believe in.

Me: that the funny part, how too people ca preserve something in such a different manner. Because I think it could. But that doesn't mean that I don't respect the way you feel about it.

I spent the night at his house and he drove me to the bus I'm currently on. Going to pick up my stuff in two weeks. He asked if we could stay friends, I said yes, but Don't expect me to come visit. And then he asked: what if we meet at a party or at your brothers place; would you talk to me? I said: yes, but the chances of that are slim to none, so I wouldn't worry about it..

He took that as a sign that I would avoid him, which I told him isn't true. Its only the more realistic way of seeing things. I also told him that it started to change for me when it stopped being about the sex and started to be about him. For me sex and to only have focus on sex, in the long run is just meaningless. He wanted me to sleep in his arms, I said it was too hard, he offered to go sleep on the couch I said he didn't have to... it was painful but not that painfull.

I have never been rejected like this before... maybe because I always leave before I can be. I have been hurt though, but the first thing I noticed was my intense want and need to change his mind last night, if I could have forced his hand to try for just a littløe while. I would have, Must say it was quite and interesting emotion.

Thank you all for your advice and help with this! Even though things are a little more painful today, then what they where 12 hours ago, I'm happy I did it. I'm happy I told him and was honest with him as well as myself. I honestly believe that if I stop being honest with myself at any point in life I'll sgtop growing eventually as a person. (see upside ;))

If anything, I am one more lesson richer! And like you said Chuff at least I could walk out this morning, kind of sad, but at least I could hold my head high.
Thank you!

I'm honestly sorry because from his actions I thought he felt the same way. I feel like I've led you on a little bit and it turns out it was not the case.

But Roxy, this is in my opinion, good news. No more wondering, no more mood swings, no more sex where you are drawn closer and he's not caring. In the short term it's hurts but in the long term it's the best thing for you.

I like how you are turning the negative into a positive. There will always be challenges in life. Getting something for the future out of them only makes you stronger.

OK tell him you love him. With my boy friend I said I loved him too. Also do not use the word "lovers" unless you have had sex

ok tell him you love him. With my boy friend i said i loved him too. Also do not use the word "lovers" unless you have had sex

Since it is your first post I will spare you the reddie but this is beyond ridicules if you actually read the thread... or even Roxy's last post.

You know the drill, heal first before you move on.

Sorry for his loss.

Roxy I am sorry the outcome wasn't differ but at least you are at peace now.

He just didn't want nothing serious. Me and my fiancé have some things in common but not everything and it works for us. I can't image us not having different opinons, hobbies, etc.

Remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Chuff> No worries, I kind of had a feeling this would happen. He is more commitment phobic then anyone I have ever know, I've known this all along, got to admit that I had like a tiny tiny tiny hope he would gotten rid of some of it, but I wasn't surprised by his decision.

But yeah, I think its for the better! Now I know. Now I don't have to wonder, and it is true as Tal commented earlier; I was growing more attached to him... I wasn't really in love yet...

And I'm lucky, I have great friends and I'm surrounded by lots of people who love me and appreciate me just the way I am. :) Besides, I got to know a great person and I learned a thing or two about being calm and we had fun together

At the end of the day, when the emotions calm down: I'm going to take the good, leave the bad, and move on. Lol found me a couple of happy songs (I love music and I like to use it when I'm sad... either to stay sad for a bit or in this case cheer me up ;) )

Tal: Love your comment! Thank you. That's how I see it too. His loss!

Roxy I am sorry the outcome wasn't differ but at least you are at peace now.

He just didn't want nothing serious. Me and my fiance have some things in common but not everything and it works for us. I can't image us not having different opinons, hobbies, etc.

Remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Couldn't give you a greenie Liz, but thank you! So true, this is a lesson and I'm kind of proud I was able to tell him, proud I stood up for the way I feel and I didn't run away or back away. :)

You did yourself a real favor. Peace of mind is much better than what you had before.

We only go around once. We can't waste time on people or things that are not good for us.

You're smart. You know what to do, and I agree with Tal, Sorry for his loss. : )

Survior> so true, life\s too short! ;) thank you. And yes it really is his loss :)

Better now than later, when all your time is invested into something that isn't what you expect it to be. =P There are many people out there Roxy that is looking for the same things you are XD

So true None! So true ;)

Is it uncommon to kind of disliking him for being so nice about it? He actually sendt me a text on Monday saying he was glad he got the chance to know me and that he thought it was good and brave of me to tell him and that he appreciated me being honest about it, so that none of us ended up hurt. I kind of wish he would be mean so that I could like hate him a little... just a tinzy bit... lol... I'm going to let it go. (my defence; 2.5 days in)

From Roxypox

Chuff> No worries, I kind of had a feeling this would happen. He is more commitment phobic then anyone I have ever know, I've known this all along, got to admit that I had like a tiny tiny tiny hope he would gotten rid of some of it, but I wasn't surprised by his decision. XD

I wish people would realize that the cure for a "commitment phobe" is for them to find the "one." If you think he's a commitment phobe, then he must think that you're not the one. There is nothing wrong with that.

Thank you for your opinion, and you might very well be right. Who knows... but personally I don't believe in the concept of the one. I honestly don't... That is just too unrealistic for me. Of course I do respect the fact that others believe in it... ;) (out of the, what 7 billion people out there, only one can be right for me? I honestly don't think so. Even if I'm young, I have loved and been loved by several people. And of course I'm not going to be right for eveyone I feel can be right for me. Sad fact of life. But a fact none the less.)

But thank you for taking the time to answer. :)

Update:
We went 8 days with No Contact. I sent him a text asking if I could come and pick up my stuff on Saturday (the 30th)

On that Saturday, He picked me up at moms house and his best friend was with him. We went to his house. I gathered my stuff. He asked if I wanted something to drink so I stayed for a couple of hours just chatting with them.

When I was about to leave he said he and his dog could walk with me. He told me that his mom had invited me to this thing at the end of June. And that he told her I was busy.

I asked him; what? You haven't told her?

Him: no I don't want to have yet another talk with mom and grandma, where they are mad at me for never opening up to people, and for guarding myself... besides she'll be sad. I don't want that either.

He also apologized for being so hard when he we talked on the 17th and that he didn't mean to say things the way he did... I just said that if the words you said are what you mean, then it doesn't really matter how you say it... you still mean it. He said, that's true, but I didn't really mean all the words I said and I didn't mean to be so cold and hard about it.

Seriously I have no idea what he's talking about and I don't know, when I faced him on Saturday I just put on my cold-hearted-sally face and pretended like it didn't face me at all.

Also for the last three days he has been inviting me to come and watch a movie and eat dinner...

Could he be missing what he had? I think so, but its more important he say it, so you don't assume it.

He, unlike you, is less of a risk taker. Why is he so guarded with others? Curious.

I think he's conflicted. He likes you but he also afraid of commitment so he can't bring himself to go any further.

Could he be missing what he had?? I think so, but its more important he say it, so you don't assume it.

He, unlike you, is less of a risk taker. Why is he so guarded with others? Curious.

I think that too. But of course he would never come out and say it... and I don't reallyw ant to assume it either.


I don't know why he's so guarded... but when I met his mom she said way more to me about him then what he would have appreciated. (or course it makes sense now, if she keeps telling him to let his guard down... )

But from what I understand, he went through a nasty break up when he was 20. (yup over 8 years ago) and he's only talked to me about it twice... The first time he just told me that he hadn't been in a relationship in over 8 years, and it was the only realationship he's had. They were together for two years... the second time he told me that they never used protection and never got pregnant, but that the girl had gotten pregnant with a 41 year old (rigt after the break up) (of course from this one can assume many things, so I tried to just not keep out of it... I kind of regret that I never asked any questions once the door was open though. Mostly because I was kind of shocked)

Also both him and his mom talked to me about his dad... how he left them when he was 6... he's not so open about this subject either.

He has talked to me about it a few times... when it was just the two of us.

He has admitted that the only person he has been peeved with his is dad, he is also the only person he has ever hit. And that he hasn't seen his dad since he was a teenager. He came to his confirmation and gave him a gift. Later it turned out that the gift wasn't from his dad at all, but his dad's wife... and that his dad had taken some of the money. When he has talked to me about it he's sounded bitter, when his dad ever came up and his friends were there, he pretended to be all cool about it.

Do you think he would actually give me an answer if I ever asked? (at a convenient time that is) He is very guarded though. All emotional subjects have been of the table.

As for risk taking... I think you're right. I am a risk taker and I really don't think he is. He even said that once, he doesn't like taking risks... people just end up hurt that way.

When we talked on the 18th and on Saturday he said that he thought it was good that we stopped when we did, so that either of us gets hurt... of course I'm thinking... how can you get hurt if you don't take a risk? I even told him that I was the one who risked getting hurt...

Wow, he has a lot of issues from his dad and past relationship and that's why he is the way he is. More than likely he thinks if he starts to get close and let his guard down the person will just leave. However, sooner than later he is going have to let go that fear unless he wants to be old and alone. I wouldn't want that.

I've have been in relationships were guys have broken my trust and hurt me. I just to think that all guys was the same and I would never find someone worth while due to my emtional bagagge. But I let my bagagge go because it was to heavy and change my way of thinking. I know I missed out on some great guys before I release the bagagge but I still found my fiancé.

Hopefully his way of thinking will change and he is still hurting from his father let downs. It is sad what his father did but he got to find a way to let that go to.

Tell him to watch the movie "Hitch" perfect for people not wanting to let their guard down.

There is a quote at the end(I was very guarded with relationships before) it goes something like "Being in love is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute thinking you can fly, and the whole way down you keep wondering "why the hell did I jump"

As attached, and attracted, as we are though, sometimes our judgment has to be clear, to evaluate if someone is really worth the risk. Sadly people don't change just because we want them too.

It's a red flag that he has carried his baggage for so long, and not started to unpack them.

As attached, and attracted, as we are though, sometimes our judgment has to be clear, to evaluate if someone is really worth the risk. Sadly people don't change just because we want them too.

Its a red flag that he has carried his baggage for so long, and not started to unpack them.

Had to spread the rep but your right.

He has to want to change his ways and if he is having problems doing so then maybe he should get himself into counseling.

And Roxy you need to let him go instead of holding on or waiting for him to change. Even if the two of you decided to give a relationship another shot the same problems will occure again. And you don't to get on this rollercoaster ride again.

Rome: love the quote!

Tal and Liz: true... it really is up to him to change and he has carried his baggage for a long time and it really is something to keep in mind (not unpacking his baggage).

On the one hand I think I know better then to sit her with my hands in my lap waiting for him to change, but on the other, I got to admit; it is tempting to do so. (false hope and all... ) Of course I think that's the part of me that miss his company and dry sense of humor talking, while the sensible part just wants to move the heck on with my life and stop thinking about him at all...

I have made some progress (as for moving on with my life... I've started to plan my graduate degree (courses, graduate thesis and a possible stay in the US for a semester).

And Liz you are right about the endless loop it would most likely be...

Update:

I wasn't really sure if I wanted to give an update or not

Gosh things have been more or less crazy lately. My summer vacation started with the disappearance and death of a young man that I grew up with. He was 19 years old when he disappeared around the 20th of June and I've known him since he was 3. They found him a week later, he had gone into the forest that surrounds the area we grew up in and hung himself.

Heart breaking... I'm not even sure if that word covers it. I honestly feel that no words can convey the way I feel about it.

The guy I wrote about in this thread (B) and I we are still friends and yes we have hung out some and we have slept together, so that's defiantly a step backwards. But I did figure out that I have no feelings for him when he told me he loved me but didn't feel that we were a good match. He also started talking about what would happen if I moved in and that if I did, say next year, it would probably work out well, but we're still not a good match. I got no idea what he is talking about. He has mentioned this twice and all I tell him is that I really can't understand what he means. I will say that I do appreciate his friendship and that he is one of the few people in my life I can talk to about school and school stuff.




About 4 weeks ago I met a guy and we started dating. He got me fooled pretty nicely at first. He seemed like a really nice guy, and almost everything about him seemed good in my book. And then it started. He turned out to have a shallow out look on life. He had racist opinions (whic I really can't stomach! I really can stand it! I honestly don't think that people should be judged by the color of their skin, their religion or the way they look.) he also seemed more or less obsessed with dissing how people look; and when he made a smart-a$$ remark about my cousin and her weight I totally snapped!

The whole thing turned into a mess and he showed me a truly ugly side of himself. And ended with him sending me the ugliest text I've ever received.

I also met my x boyfriend when I was out on Friday. He wanted to talk about last year which was really bad... we had a talk about it and I told him that I could never go back to him or to move backwards and into last year in anyway. What's done is done and there is nothing that will change the way things was or how things ended. He made his choice and it was to threat me badly and to tear me apart!

On the upside I finished my bachelor degree, I got an A on my bachelor paper and I got into grad school. My sister is getting a dog so he will move in with us in August. LOL I also figured out that right now I'm not ready to move into dating or a relationship. But when I am ready for it, I won't be scared to commit. Commitment isn't such a scary thought for me any more.

And school will deff. Be very important for me in the next 2 years. ;)

In all honesty I feel that for every step I take forward (at least this month) is followed by two steps back. LOL it might be because just so many thing has happened this past month and I've made some decisions that might not have been all that good. I am proud of how I handled my x though, and the guy I dated. I will say that I took a stand and stood up for myself.

thank you all for the support you've shown and the great advice you guys have given me since October. I really appreciate everything you guys have done. And I really do find it comforting to know that if a problem or situation arises, I can come here and talk about it and you guys will knock some sense into me when needed.

love
Roxy.

Congrats on your degree Roxy, and even though you have been through some tough times, it does a heart well, to see you growing through it, with your head up. That's a formula for success.

I am happy for you, and glad your part of my cyber family.

Thank you so much Tal! I'm gald you're a part of my cyber family as well!

I have to say that even though it has been rough. I have handled it well, and I feel stronger then I've ever felt before. And that's just such a great feeling. :)

After reading your post I feel that both of you are not intrested each other, both of you don't have trust each other.

First leave him for 1 month, and after 1 month think what you really want...
Don't force yourself for love...
Your don't hold love, if you really in love it will become reality.

after reading your post i feel that both of you are not intrested each other, both of you don't have trust each other.

first leave him for 1 month, and after 1 month think what you realy want..............
don't force your self for love.....
your don't hold love, if you realy in love it will become reality.

Thank you for your answer? Did you read all of the posts or just my Original post (OP), the Op was written in the middle of may and I have come far since then... and you are right. We don't hold love for one another. It was attachment... and unwillingness to let go of what we had.

Congrats Roxy!! You're a strong, smart young woman. You've accomplished so much, even with a little "growing pains" along the way, but they are necessary to gain the knowledge you need to be a happy, successful person, and you seem well on your way!

Well, I believe that you shouldn't be the who admits her love unless you see it in both of his eyes that his hear beats slowly and quickly at the same time when he sees u dear.

Well, I believe that you shouldn't be the who admits her love unless you see it in both of his eyes that his hear beats slowly and quickly at the same time when he sees u dear.
Another one who didn't bother to read the whole thread, and not just the original post?? :eek::rolleyes:

Yup! LOL kind of hard to understand the whole story that way. :rolleyes:

:cool:

Seems like you've come a long way from when you first posted this question. Glad that you learned so many things from this experience.

It might seem like you took 1 step forward and 2 steps, but I disagree. I think you took many steps forward and maybe a few steps sideways. I haven't seen too many (if any) steps back.

LOl I wish, I'm glad to hear that! Yeah, I feel I'm growing and I def know more about what I want now and that always helpful. :)

UPDATE:
Gosh, I feel so silly for asking this... and for even getting back into the dance with Mr. B.
So we are hanging out, we are back to where we were before I ever posted the OP. Why? Well when I dated that guy this summer (Mr. And lol I'll call him that) I realized several things;

1. I'm not that afraid of committing as I have been
2. I'm not ready for a commitment right now
3. I have too much going on to be someone's GF
4. I have all my bases covered, why committ to someone on a deeper lvl when I've already got someone in my life that I like, that I can watch movies with, hang out with, party with, relax with, share a bed with etc. etc. etc.
5. Mr. And and I were not compatible what so ever and also if I had to choose, I'd choose between the two I'd choose B every time!

Also, all those issues I experienced when I wrote the OP all that stress was me taking on some of B's issues as well... He's tense so I grow tense. Now, I'm totally relaxed, because I know what I want.

Do I love him? Well I don't know, I really don't. If I do, I honestly can't feel it. I care though! I care a whole lot, but I grew up knowing that love can be painful, parents leave, people leave and it made me close of. I can cut of feelings for others quickly if I see that I'll get hurt and maybe that's what I'm doing with him. Maybe I care a whole lot more then I dare admit to myself. But he's stand of ish and he already rejected me once, I'm not letting that be an option right now, there has been enough pain this summer and there has been enough... well stuff happening.


Anyway. I do get confused by him. He still throws stuff out there that leaves me wondering what to do, say and think about it.

A month after we kind of 'parted' ways... he told me (when we were drunk of course) that he loved me and that he thought it was very sad that I had taken all of my things and left. The most upsetting thing for him was me taking my tooth brush with me... so now we have a deal. If I take my tooth brush with me, I don't want to come back... i.e. as long as I have a toothbrush at his house he knows that I'll come back. (how messed up are we? We are two emotionally messed up people! LOL just had to point out that I'm fully aware of this :rolleyes:)

Two weeks after this he asked me if I was in love with him yet and I laughed and said; NO!

About three weeks ago he tells me (not under the influence) that he loves me, he loves me a whole lot, but he's not in love with me. Although he does appreciate me and if I'm in his life for 3 years or more, he'd def miss me if I suddenly disappeared from his life. The last statement is BS, because the few times he hasn't seen me for two weeks, he misses me.

Yesterday he told me that all of his friends think that I'm head over heels in love with him... I didn't really answer this, I just told him that they can believe what they want. When I hesitated to say more he added; and besides who would want to the pain? (i.e. being in love with him)

The thing I find confusing is that I don't know what to do about him and I don't know how to talk to him about this, I try but then I'm kind of stuck, cause no matter how I answer I feel like I can't win. If I'm in love with him (you know deep inside, where I can't feel anything about this) I lose, If I'm not I lose...

One side of me feels as if he is testing me, he's not a risk taker, and quite honestly I'm want to believe that what he says is true... but then he tells me (like he did today): You can't believe everything I say, but you can believe what I do... I have no idea what that means...

I know, I should have walked away when I had the chance and now I'm so deep in this that I really don't know how... how do you walk away from something that, over-all, works great? We have fun, we enjoy each others company... I just don't like the feelng of knowing where I have him...

Thank you guys for putting up with my drama ;) I really do appreciate it!

Love,
Roxy:)

Hej roxy-i really think you need to take some time out on this one-is this making you truly happy?kram monica

Hey,
You seem to be too nervous.. try and relax. Give it time. You might feel sorry about it if you move out. Allow yourself to fall in love, if you fall out of it you will know it too. Don't worry about commitment. It will come with time. Don't get angry with him if he tells you one thing now and does the opposite later on-because he too is going through the same thing!
If he introduces you to his family, welcome it, allow yourself to meet them as you would any of your relations.. don't try to calculate or form any for of opinion. To avoid getting tense and nervous, you might think of taking some music, art .
Have a good time, wish you all the best
Take care

You can't believe everything I say, but you can believe what I do... I have no idea what that means...


It means his actions speak louder than his words, and it seems to me you should pay attention to see if they both match.

I think its okay to like a person, but at a distance that's comfortable to you, so you can keep the boundaries between friends, and lovers, clearly defined to save confusion, and conflict later.

Then you can relax, and enjoy yourself, without the emotional conflicts later.

Take it from someone who has enjoyed the company, and pleasure of many females, setting your own boundaries of good behavior lets you, and everyone around you, relax and enjoy the time you spend together.

Okay, I am a semi retired party animal. :cool: :D :)

I know it seems like you've come a long way from when you first posted, but I think you could use more time. Like you said, you're not ready for a relationship at this point.


1. I'm not that afraid of committing as I have been
2. I'm not ready for a commitment right now
3. I have too much going on to be someones GF

Why rush into something?

Therefore, just go with the flow of things. You don't need to analyze all the signs and details. You don't need to "figure" out his intentions or "what you want". Just keep moving forward with your life and see where it leads.

Instead of "figuring out where to end up", just keep walking and "see where you end up". You don't need additional stress or pressures in life. Just focus on yourself and building a life for yourself.

You can continue to talk to this guy and see where that leads, but you don't need to force yourself to figure it out. If things were going to work out, it will happen naturally.

Roxy, I may be totally wrong but there are a couple of points in your update that have me concerned.

It almost seems like I am reading the news coverage of a football game and I am not sure who is playing on which side.

What you have talked about him saying almost sounds like he is playing some sort of game of his own and I think you are sensing it too when you talk about "losing" if you love him or not.

From what you have written (especially in the latest update), he seems intent on getting you to admit how you feel about him. Almost like he has something riding on what your answer is. I wonder how long it would be before your toothbrush was evicted if you professed undying love.

I really hope I am wrong. :(

Tal: I'm taking that advice to heart! You're right I should relax. Also after I posted this I started thinking that I feel that I'm at a comfortable distance we have right now, for me personally and he's the one who has issues with it. I'm fine with the way things are... until he starts testing where I stand, which makes me a wee bit stressed cause I really don't want things to change either... I like things just fine the way they are now. But I do think you're right... and I do think we need to redraw the boundaries.

BTW I'm glad you're only semi-retired, Mr. Party animal! ;)

I Wish:I should relax more, and I usually do... I just feel that I sometimes pick up his stress lvl and worries and kind of feel that and run with it...


CAT: I also feel that he is very keen on getting me to admit to it, and I find it kind of... I don't know what word I should use... but annoying?

Thank you guys though, for your input, time and advice. I really appreciate it!