horsiegal
May 12, 2009, 07:04 PM
I will try and make this long-winded story as short as possible...
A few years back I dated the love of my life. We were dating long distance at the time which lasted a year. I was supposed to be moving countries to be with him after I finished studying however in the meantime he got another job in the same country but a completely different city and in a nutshell we decided to call it quits as we wouldn't really be any closer to each other then we already were and I didn't want to hold him back from this great job opportunity + he felt he was putting my life on hold for him as I was just starting my career. Both of us were heartbroken but neither of us expressed how really felt as we were both trying to do the right thing by each other.
We were separated for nearly 2 years. I soon fell into a new relationship which lasted for most of this period and he too was in another relationship for that second year. As much as I cared for my new partner, a part of me never let go of my ex and eventually that combined with problems within my current relationship led to me end that relationship. Not too long after that, I finally worked up the nerves to call my ex up and tell him how I felt after all this time and to my joy and relief, he felt exactly the same still.
I need to back-track for a minute. The girl that my ex was seeing whilst we split was an old friend that he went to school with and after having a casualy fling one night it turned into a relationship and they ended up shifting in together after a couple months. This girl already had a 2 year old son to her ex who she now has no contact with and as my ex and I did keep in touch from time to time, I got the impression that she was slowly trapping him and pretty much trying to make a father figure out of him for her son. A few months into their relationship this girl falls pregnant with his child. When I heard I was devastated, but not all the surprised as in honest truth I had a preminition of this happening. The pregnancy was a honest mistake as the condom broke, however she did refuse to take the morning after pill the next morning as apparently she "doesn't believe in it". This was only about 4 months into their relationship so there was no long-term discussion of any kind at this point and in fact my partner was quite unhappy and prior to the pregnancy, was complating leaving her. Once he found out she was pregnant he decided to stick in there and ride this thing out. The girl ended up miscarrying which he described as the most horrific and devastating thing for the mother that he had ever seen and she was very emotionally unstable by it all and so again he stayed around for her and her son's sake. He also didn't want her to think he was leaving as a result of the miscarriage. After this the girl promised she would go on the pill. Supposedly she was taking it, but surprise surprise she falls pregnant again. I know that there is a very small chance of the pill being ineffective, but the fact that her Facebook & bebo pages were full of quotes saying how badly she wanted another child... I am very sceptical it was an accident. Like I said before, I always had the impression that she was slowly trying to trap him (she even bought herself a wedding and engagement ring, handed it to him and said "here, give this to me when you're ready. They hadn't even discussed marriage before now!) but as the ex-girlfriend I felt that it wasn't my place to say what I thought unfortunately.
Sorry guys- I am nearly out with it all, I promise!
After he found out she was pregnant again, not only did he not want to be with her and not want to have a child with her, he was still in love with me and he too could not deny it any longer. Naturally he never mentioned his feelings for me to her but he did tell her that she was not the person he wanted to spend his life with and nor did he want to have this child with her. She was adament that she was going to have this child regardless and that termination was not an option and accused him of just not being able to handle being a father. He tried explaining to her that again, that he was unhappy in the relationship & that she wasn't who he wanted to settle down with... whether it was now, 1 year, 5years time this relationship wasn't going to last and that is was better to be upfront now prior to the child being born then later down the track after the birth. Again tried to have her reconsider the pregnancy, but she wouldn't have a bar of it and so he told her that if this was her decision then he would financially support her and be there for the child but their relationship was over. She ended up flipping her lid and has now turned around saying that she wanted him to have nothing to do with him or their child and that she would text him when it was born.
The boy and I ended up getting back together at the beginning of the year and although we still live in separate countries we have managed to see each other 5 times since then and he is moving here at the end of the year once his work contract is up. He is the love of my life and I am still pinching myself that we are getting another shot at this. We will get married one day and whether you believe in soulmates or not, we truly are each others.
The birth is just over a month away and I am really starting to freak out. My partner is still in 2 minds about what he is going to do re. the child. She has told him she wants him to have nothing to with it which at first he was OK about but as this is becoming more and more real he is feeling guilty and feels the right thing to do is to be involved.
This is where the help part comes in. I am furious at her for what her selfishness has done. Not only for the poor child's sake as it is going to grow up in a broken family with a brother from another father who also doesn't know it's daddy but also for how this is going to affect my partner and I. Whether I/we like it or not, she is going to be part of out lives for ever. I am thinking about this child all the time and constantly break down in tears over it. I haven't told my partner how I am feeling as he is stressed enough as it is and don't want him to have the added guilt that this is upsetting me so much. As he and I are in this for the long run, he wants my advice as to what he should do regarding the child as ultimately it will affect both of us. I have no idea what to tell him. In a perfect world, I would love all this to go away but to reality is that it won't. If he stays out of it's life then I am worried that it will eat away at him over time and this sounds selfish but I am worried that when the time comes to have our first child, not only am I worried that it won't be exciting for him but am worried that it will bring up old emotions and memories. My conscience tells me that it's the right thing to do for him to pay child support and be there for the child but I am having a hard time justifying giving our hard earned money to someone I feel is undeserving as getting pregnant was clearly her plan all along and this was not a child of love. Also, the mother has moved to the same country as what I am currently in only a different state so even when my partner moves here it's not like he can have weekly visits with the child so even just maitaining a relationship will be hard!
I'm sorry that I have babbled on so long... I am just so confused and have some many emotions running through me but I guess the thing I am struggling with most is that the man I love is about to become a father but not to my child.
A few years back I dated the love of my life. We were dating long distance at the time which lasted a year. I was supposed to be moving countries to be with him after I finished studying however in the meantime he got another job in the same country but a completely different city and in a nutshell we decided to call it quits as we wouldn't really be any closer to each other then we already were and I didn't want to hold him back from this great job opportunity + he felt he was putting my life on hold for him as I was just starting my career. Both of us were heartbroken but neither of us expressed how really felt as we were both trying to do the right thing by each other.
We were separated for nearly 2 years. I soon fell into a new relationship which lasted for most of this period and he too was in another relationship for that second year. As much as I cared for my new partner, a part of me never let go of my ex and eventually that combined with problems within my current relationship led to me end that relationship. Not too long after that, I finally worked up the nerves to call my ex up and tell him how I felt after all this time and to my joy and relief, he felt exactly the same still.
I need to back-track for a minute. The girl that my ex was seeing whilst we split was an old friend that he went to school with and after having a casualy fling one night it turned into a relationship and they ended up shifting in together after a couple months. This girl already had a 2 year old son to her ex who she now has no contact with and as my ex and I did keep in touch from time to time, I got the impression that she was slowly trapping him and pretty much trying to make a father figure out of him for her son. A few months into their relationship this girl falls pregnant with his child. When I heard I was devastated, but not all the surprised as in honest truth I had a preminition of this happening. The pregnancy was a honest mistake as the condom broke, however she did refuse to take the morning after pill the next morning as apparently she "doesn't believe in it". This was only about 4 months into their relationship so there was no long-term discussion of any kind at this point and in fact my partner was quite unhappy and prior to the pregnancy, was complating leaving her. Once he found out she was pregnant he decided to stick in there and ride this thing out. The girl ended up miscarrying which he described as the most horrific and devastating thing for the mother that he had ever seen and she was very emotionally unstable by it all and so again he stayed around for her and her son's sake. He also didn't want her to think he was leaving as a result of the miscarriage. After this the girl promised she would go on the pill. Supposedly she was taking it, but surprise surprise she falls pregnant again. I know that there is a very small chance of the pill being ineffective, but the fact that her Facebook & bebo pages were full of quotes saying how badly she wanted another child... I am very sceptical it was an accident. Like I said before, I always had the impression that she was slowly trying to trap him (she even bought herself a wedding and engagement ring, handed it to him and said "here, give this to me when you're ready. They hadn't even discussed marriage before now!) but as the ex-girlfriend I felt that it wasn't my place to say what I thought unfortunately.
Sorry guys- I am nearly out with it all, I promise!
After he found out she was pregnant again, not only did he not want to be with her and not want to have a child with her, he was still in love with me and he too could not deny it any longer. Naturally he never mentioned his feelings for me to her but he did tell her that she was not the person he wanted to spend his life with and nor did he want to have this child with her. She was adament that she was going to have this child regardless and that termination was not an option and accused him of just not being able to handle being a father. He tried explaining to her that again, that he was unhappy in the relationship & that she wasn't who he wanted to settle down with... whether it was now, 1 year, 5years time this relationship wasn't going to last and that is was better to be upfront now prior to the child being born then later down the track after the birth. Again tried to have her reconsider the pregnancy, but she wouldn't have a bar of it and so he told her that if this was her decision then he would financially support her and be there for the child but their relationship was over. She ended up flipping her lid and has now turned around saying that she wanted him to have nothing to do with him or their child and that she would text him when it was born.
The boy and I ended up getting back together at the beginning of the year and although we still live in separate countries we have managed to see each other 5 times since then and he is moving here at the end of the year once his work contract is up. He is the love of my life and I am still pinching myself that we are getting another shot at this. We will get married one day and whether you believe in soulmates or not, we truly are each others.
The birth is just over a month away and I am really starting to freak out. My partner is still in 2 minds about what he is going to do re. the child. She has told him she wants him to have nothing to with it which at first he was OK about but as this is becoming more and more real he is feeling guilty and feels the right thing to do is to be involved.
This is where the help part comes in. I am furious at her for what her selfishness has done. Not only for the poor child's sake as it is going to grow up in a broken family with a brother from another father who also doesn't know it's daddy but also for how this is going to affect my partner and I. Whether I/we like it or not, she is going to be part of out lives for ever. I am thinking about this child all the time and constantly break down in tears over it. I haven't told my partner how I am feeling as he is stressed enough as it is and don't want him to have the added guilt that this is upsetting me so much. As he and I are in this for the long run, he wants my advice as to what he should do regarding the child as ultimately it will affect both of us. I have no idea what to tell him. In a perfect world, I would love all this to go away but to reality is that it won't. If he stays out of it's life then I am worried that it will eat away at him over time and this sounds selfish but I am worried that when the time comes to have our first child, not only am I worried that it won't be exciting for him but am worried that it will bring up old emotions and memories. My conscience tells me that it's the right thing to do for him to pay child support and be there for the child but I am having a hard time justifying giving our hard earned money to someone I feel is undeserving as getting pregnant was clearly her plan all along and this was not a child of love. Also, the mother has moved to the same country as what I am currently in only a different state so even when my partner moves here it's not like he can have weekly visits with the child so even just maitaining a relationship will be hard!
I'm sorry that I have babbled on so long... I am just so confused and have some many emotions running through me but I guess the thing I am struggling with most is that the man I love is about to become a father but not to my child.