jhens05
May 12, 2009, 04:14 PM
I've searched on Google, as you can imagine, this last week has been the ''middle'' of the situation, so I've been searching for answers and some sort of reassurance.
I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. Just to give you a glimpse of how close we were, we've given promise rings, I work for her family, and unfortunately (I realize now), we spent time with each other every day.
Recently, within the last week and a half, she began getting off work and hanging out with her girlfriends more often. Something I'm cool with, but was slightly unusual for her to do as often as she has been. There's an underlying layer here, and that's that throughout our relationship, she has, and as have I, somewhat abandoned our close friendships.
Anyway, this group of friends consists of say 5 people, I was the 6th. As I would go and hang out with them at times, even during the beginning of our troubles a couple weeks ago. There are 2 girls, her cousin Brandon, and his best friend Alex. Alex is the 2nd underlying layer. He likes my girlfriend, and while her and I were fighting over the little issues, he was there to cheer her up. At this current stage, they have yet to develop anything more than a friendship. I have spoken with him about the situation, the night her and I fought, and he had let me know that she had said she doesn't want a relationship, and that she's not sure what she wants, but she does know that she's feeling smothered by me.
That's where it is with that guy. The thing that's been heart wrenching is that while I've been curious and jealous of him, that was a normal reaction to these types of situations throughout our relationship, including on her end. She didn't like me talking to my ex, or girls I went to Prom with, etc. So as you can imagine, I felt reacting in a jealous way was normal in the realms of our relationship. It was, but eventually, I began to beat a dead horse.. and began to nag, doubt, question, and most of all push her away. I know the feeling, as she has done it to me in the past about certain issues, where I just felt like - LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M OUT OF HERE! Who wants to deal with stress when the alternative is a good time?
I've struggled with not contacting her. I know it's the key to allowing the pressure to ease off. I struggled until this weekend, on Saturday I didn't call her the entire day or night. I fought it. The next day I did call, as she has not said '' don't call or contact '', but the main agitation comes with me bringing up issues and resulting in an argument. That's what she can't stand, and I'm fooling myself to think that it's good in my department as well.
Anyway, Sunday I called her at work. Her voice lacked that agitated distaste and was replaced by a little more interest in hearing my voice. This was definitely a nice change for me.
So Sunday night, I was at a friends, and she called his house and asked to come up, as I had told her I'd be there. She came up, which of course delighted me, to the point where I was watching the driveway, even wondering when she'd be there. When she arrived, I handled the situation the way I know is better, which is not getting on her about anything regarding the guy, or our relationship, at least not in a confrontational away. By avoiding that, we then hung out, talked, and honestly without tension, enjoyed the night.
Here are a few things she said/did to me during the time she had come up:
She had told me she loves me. She hugged me, looked to see if I was wearing my ring. I do know she still has an interest of whatever sort in me and my feelings. I just know that I'm not playing the situation to the best I can.
She also said one key thing, or two rather.. basically something like:
'' Half of me wants to embrace you so badly, the other half still wants to have fun ''
And something like
'' I want to be close with you, but I still have boundaries and don't want to give you the impression that we can kiss/touch etc. because it will send off mixed signals. ''
I have told her, and the thing isn't so much that I don't want her to have space or time with her friends, I told her she can have all that she wants. For me, it's the doubt seeping into my mind regarding this Alex guy. I usually trust these parts of my judgement. I truly did have a suspicion he was interested in her, and he took advantage of the fight her and I had and only then let her know that he liked her. I thought that was ty of him, but very opportunistic.
As of right now, I know that not calling her or talking, or driving by her house is the absolute thing to do. I know I want to go out with my friends, go to the gym, and do other things.
The final thing is this, as soon as this situation happened, it was like a spark went off where all I could think about was being with her. Before this, there were many times where I'd felt suffocated myself by her jealousy, and had urges to branch off, but I'd always loved her and was satisfied for the most part by staying in the routine we had. What I'm basically saying is, absent makes the heart grow fonder as they say, because before this situation, I was arguing with her, and there were so many times where I felt I was neglecting friends/wanted time alone.. but the whole time I loved her, so I never really stayed away.
I'm not sure what's to come of the situation. Obviously, I love the girl as a person, not just as a girlfriend who gives me attention. I do very badly want to be with her, but I realize if anything after this, even if things go back to the way they were, I need to change and so does she, and we both need to allow more time for each other. I have told her very simply - Sarah, if you want to be with Alex, out of respect for the relationship, I want to know. I just don't want to be waiting and sitting her. She has repeatedly said that she realized she doesn't like him, but he is nice to her. I can only hope it's true, but I still obviously have my doubts. I can't allow my doubts or hopes to really dictate my emotions though, and I know only time will tell if something does come up with the two of them. I imagine he feels in a strange spot as well. But he should.
Basically, I'm just looking for opinions about this. It's Tuesday now, so yesterday I did see her, but today I'm trying to make sure I don't talk to her.. and when or if she calls me, I have to make sure not to nag her about what she's been doing.
I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. Just to give you a glimpse of how close we were, we've given promise rings, I work for her family, and unfortunately (I realize now), we spent time with each other every day.
Recently, within the last week and a half, she began getting off work and hanging out with her girlfriends more often. Something I'm cool with, but was slightly unusual for her to do as often as she has been. There's an underlying layer here, and that's that throughout our relationship, she has, and as have I, somewhat abandoned our close friendships.
Anyway, this group of friends consists of say 5 people, I was the 6th. As I would go and hang out with them at times, even during the beginning of our troubles a couple weeks ago. There are 2 girls, her cousin Brandon, and his best friend Alex. Alex is the 2nd underlying layer. He likes my girlfriend, and while her and I were fighting over the little issues, he was there to cheer her up. At this current stage, they have yet to develop anything more than a friendship. I have spoken with him about the situation, the night her and I fought, and he had let me know that she had said she doesn't want a relationship, and that she's not sure what she wants, but she does know that she's feeling smothered by me.
That's where it is with that guy. The thing that's been heart wrenching is that while I've been curious and jealous of him, that was a normal reaction to these types of situations throughout our relationship, including on her end. She didn't like me talking to my ex, or girls I went to Prom with, etc. So as you can imagine, I felt reacting in a jealous way was normal in the realms of our relationship. It was, but eventually, I began to beat a dead horse.. and began to nag, doubt, question, and most of all push her away. I know the feeling, as she has done it to me in the past about certain issues, where I just felt like - LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M OUT OF HERE! Who wants to deal with stress when the alternative is a good time?
I've struggled with not contacting her. I know it's the key to allowing the pressure to ease off. I struggled until this weekend, on Saturday I didn't call her the entire day or night. I fought it. The next day I did call, as she has not said '' don't call or contact '', but the main agitation comes with me bringing up issues and resulting in an argument. That's what she can't stand, and I'm fooling myself to think that it's good in my department as well.
Anyway, Sunday I called her at work. Her voice lacked that agitated distaste and was replaced by a little more interest in hearing my voice. This was definitely a nice change for me.
So Sunday night, I was at a friends, and she called his house and asked to come up, as I had told her I'd be there. She came up, which of course delighted me, to the point where I was watching the driveway, even wondering when she'd be there. When she arrived, I handled the situation the way I know is better, which is not getting on her about anything regarding the guy, or our relationship, at least not in a confrontational away. By avoiding that, we then hung out, talked, and honestly without tension, enjoyed the night.
Here are a few things she said/did to me during the time she had come up:
She had told me she loves me. She hugged me, looked to see if I was wearing my ring. I do know she still has an interest of whatever sort in me and my feelings. I just know that I'm not playing the situation to the best I can.
She also said one key thing, or two rather.. basically something like:
'' Half of me wants to embrace you so badly, the other half still wants to have fun ''
And something like
'' I want to be close with you, but I still have boundaries and don't want to give you the impression that we can kiss/touch etc. because it will send off mixed signals. ''
I have told her, and the thing isn't so much that I don't want her to have space or time with her friends, I told her she can have all that she wants. For me, it's the doubt seeping into my mind regarding this Alex guy. I usually trust these parts of my judgement. I truly did have a suspicion he was interested in her, and he took advantage of the fight her and I had and only then let her know that he liked her. I thought that was ty of him, but very opportunistic.
As of right now, I know that not calling her or talking, or driving by her house is the absolute thing to do. I know I want to go out with my friends, go to the gym, and do other things.
The final thing is this, as soon as this situation happened, it was like a spark went off where all I could think about was being with her. Before this, there were many times where I'd felt suffocated myself by her jealousy, and had urges to branch off, but I'd always loved her and was satisfied for the most part by staying in the routine we had. What I'm basically saying is, absent makes the heart grow fonder as they say, because before this situation, I was arguing with her, and there were so many times where I felt I was neglecting friends/wanted time alone.. but the whole time I loved her, so I never really stayed away.
I'm not sure what's to come of the situation. Obviously, I love the girl as a person, not just as a girlfriend who gives me attention. I do very badly want to be with her, but I realize if anything after this, even if things go back to the way they were, I need to change and so does she, and we both need to allow more time for each other. I have told her very simply - Sarah, if you want to be with Alex, out of respect for the relationship, I want to know. I just don't want to be waiting and sitting her. She has repeatedly said that she realized she doesn't like him, but he is nice to her. I can only hope it's true, but I still obviously have my doubts. I can't allow my doubts or hopes to really dictate my emotions though, and I know only time will tell if something does come up with the two of them. I imagine he feels in a strange spot as well. But he should.
Basically, I'm just looking for opinions about this. It's Tuesday now, so yesterday I did see her, but today I'm trying to make sure I don't talk to her.. and when or if she calls me, I have to make sure not to nag her about what she's been doing.