Hi everyone

This is my first time on anything like this so I hope you will bear with me as I really need some advice...

I met a guy on a dating site and started chatting to him. We were on line the 1st night for 9 hours and then the following nights for hours... We eventually met and clicked straight away. We have now been seeing each other for 2 months.. In that time everything was absolutely perfect. We would sit and talk for hours and hours, we had so much in common (we both have our own businesses) , We talked about everything under the sun including our hope and dreams and previous relationships.
He treated me like a princesss, paying me lots of attention , paying for everything when we went out, and we both admitted to each other the sex was the best we had both ever had.
There was no problems in the relationship that I could see and we were always discussing our feelings about each other.
He would come and stay with me on a Friday night and leave on a Monday night and then we would talk on line or he would ring me or text me for the other nights.

He has a very stressful job whereby he has to give it 100% concentration and I know that I must leave him be when he is in work mode but he always found time in his busy day to contact me at least once.

Last weekend I felt that he was being slightly distant towards me and after having a glass of wine too many , I decided to ask him where he thought this relationship was going because I felt that he was distancing himself from me.
He told me that I was an amazing woman and he enjoyed being with me, loved my sense of humour and that he loved me... BUT he WOULD NOT ALLOW HIMSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME...
He said that he had been hurt 3 times before (he is 38) and would not allow it to happen again.
I said a few words to him along the lines of you don't know what is going to happen in the future and walked out.
I was so angry with him that I felt as if I was banging my head against a brick wall. I sent him an e mail in the morning apologising for coming on too strong and asked if we could just go back to the way things were. He replied straight away... saying a lot of lovely lovely things about me but basically said he wanted to stay friends but not lovers (which crushed me). He said he was too selfish and that I needed someone who would treat me as the most precious person in the world and he feels with his job he can't give me the time I deserve.
Later that night he text me to say he was online and did I want to chat.
I went on line and he was so excited that the work he had been doing that week (so he couldn't see me) had been sold and he was on a real high... He talked to me as if nothing had happened but didn't say anything about seeing me again.

It has been 3 days now with no word from him although I know he has been on msn looking for me but I won't sign on in case I make things worse.

I desperately want things to go back to how they were before I opened my big mouth... Can anyone please please give me some advice on how to deal with this?

It sounds like as the relationship progress he's nervous about being hurt. Maybe he needs more time to get serious. Oh and you spend way too much time talking to him. He needs his space.

Too much too soon.

9 hours?? Yuck!

Come on! You're both have lives.

You don't even need to talk every day the first couple months.

Too fast - too furious.

LESS IS MORE!!

You sound real needy to be talking gso much - work on yourself.

No more smothering - much less contact. Shut him OFF for a while.

Thank you for your replies.
Yes I agree it was too fast and too quick... but in all the time I have been known him , he has made all the running. I have only ever rang him about twice, if I am on msn he is the one who contacts me and he went off for a weeks holiday with his family and I never contacted him...

I fully understand that he needs his space and I have my own business and he knows I need mine as well but I must admit when we are together I tend to feel a bit insecure. Its just that I can't understand how he can't multi task and concentrate on his work but find time for me as well...

I really want him back . Do you think the best thing for me would be to do this no contact rule and make him realise what he is missing?

YES! Leave him a long. The only way he will come back is if he misses you - it's a must. Please do this. Contacting will only make things worse.

Honey Life Goes On Some Els Will Come Along

I really want him back . Do you think the best thing for me would be to do this no contact rule and make him realise what he is missing?



Right now he is not what you want.. he is what you need... your needs hurt real bad and he is enjoying the attention he is receiving you and others... if he was into you... regardless of what ever... he would have texted you or left a message just saying... missed you... will call you soon... All artist types are brooding souls and are selfish... life is his art... if he does not call today before 8:00 p.m... you need to view life as art also and look for someone else... get beautiful and go and collect your new muse...

Thank you for your replies..
It is now the time when we had arranged to have lunch today and I am sat at my computer working and trying hard to keep my mind off him. It is so hard because he is online as well with his work but he can't see that I am online because I have cloaked myself lol.
You would think at the age of 48 I would have learnt soooo many lessons but this is just so hard... I have always chased after a man to try and make them change their mind but perhaps I have finally grown up after all these years because this time I am absolutely determined not to run after him and contact him.
It is taking every ounce of will power I have but I know you are all correct in what you are saying.

I will take your advice and give him till 8pm tonight and if I haven't had a text or a phone call by then I will never speak to him again even if he does come running.

I have never felt about anyone before in my life like I feel about him and I have had a lot of relationships in my life.. I truly believed that even after such a short time together that I had found my soulmate and from his behaviour and what he said I thought he felt the same..

I could kick myself for getting on my high horse and walking out on him but I have explained it to him in an e mail the following morning so he knows exactly what my feelings are.

He hasn't had a girlfriend since last September and I know he hasn't got anyone else.. ijust wish I could turn the clock back

"I have always chased after a man to try and make them change their mind " - NEVER a good idea. You give up all your power. Guys want a chase as well.

You have to learn to be less available and make him chase some. LESS IS MORE.

You gave too much to this guy too soon.

They are part of your life - not your life. Be busy.

People want what they can't have. Always. Hence not always being available. It's OK to break a date.

Slow your train down. Re-read your own post. Sorry to be blunt butyou sound like a lovesick school girl who doesn't care what happens as long as she gets her man. Take it slower before you commit your whole heart. For a relationship to work you must both feel the same about each other and from what you have written he is nowhere in the same place as you. Wake up and get more balance in your life without him, or you'll break your own heart by pushing as he runs. Not trying to be mean but just want you to see reality.

Tal - perfect!! I'd rate, but I can't.

GO SLOW!! SLOW!! Did I say slow??

Even WIldcat has problems with this - then remembers to pull back.

MSN Messenger is the devil. I fell madly in love with a guy through messenger. Month after month of talking to him for at least two hours a day. If you (or he) thinks that just chatting on MSN will keep the feelings at bay... NOPE. Actually, it forces you to get to know a person better (although they can turn out very different in person). Do you look forward to him popping up on messenger a ridiculous amount? If it becomes the high light of your day you should rethink things.

As for expecting him to spend all his time talking to you when he has such a hard job... things change. People get busier. Messenger no long is sufficient. If you want a relationship with him do it the old fashioned way. Make him make time for you... face to face time! Otherwise, who knows. Maybe you just provide an online distraction (I've been there). And if that is the case you should guard your heart.

I'll bet many a person has been dissapointed when they meet some one on the net. The odds that someone can give you false and misleading info is tremendous and there is no way to see who's lying or not. But then I'm old school and seeing a person face to face is the only way to go. We all know how many predators and players their are prowling for vitims and lonely people. I would be very careful of meeting over the net especially when ones feelings and emotions are involved. I still can't see how one could fall in love though over the net but just being here on this forum I have learned how easily one can be hooked on cyber relations and downright addicted to the people and places the net gives you access to.

I just see it completely different than you.

Yes... there might have been some overkill at the front side, but it's a common thing to get infatuated and spend a lot of time on someone. Not a great idea, but it happens.

You see this as a failure of yours. I don't. Not at all. You saw he was uncertain. You asked. He told you he was uncertain. That's the truth. That's reality.

Now it might have been more fun living in that place where you both were infatuated. But you really did nothing to cause this... as if your asking him suddenly caused him to question your relationship. He was already wondering and worrying... valid points or not. If you had not asked him you would have fretted, he would have still been fretting, and it would have all happened, just maybe later that day or the next or the next.

So stop kicking yourself about being too forward. You asked a rational question and got a reasonable answer. There's nothing wrong with that scenario other than you don't like the answer.

Banging your head against a wall isn't recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors, but again, I really don't think you did anything wrong. If he saw you were frustrated that might have strengthened his ressolve about the issue, but again, he was already there. Usually by the time a person starts to talk about pulling away they've already been thinking about it for some time.

Stop kicking yourself. Back away and let him figure out if he's willing to pursue you. If he is, fine. Don't go too headfirst into the fray. If he doesn't come back, well you cannot fix him. He might be a great-first-two-months kind of guy and then he's done.

Stop deflecting his uncertainty and insecurities and morphing them into your failures. Stop feeling like you caused anything. A question by you did not cause his emotional baggage.

All this electronic crap kills a relationship

I stay away from even serious e-mails going forward. Text messaging can kill a relationship. Talking gtoo much o nthe cell phone.

My advice is to ONLY spend quality time and talk IN PERSON!! Not on-line.

Perhaps he perceives you as being too needy and doesn't feel that he can live up to that kind of expectation. That may be why he calls himself "selfish" and says he "can't give you what you deserve." I'll admit it does sound like he's a little too obsessive about his work, to the point where it's unhealthy, but that's something you really can't control. If you're going to have a relationship with him you're just going to have to live with that unless he eventually comes around on his own. But don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen. It's good that you apologized to him. Now I'd just back off for a while and give him some space. Let things cool off and let him concentrate on his work. Let him see that you're not so needy and clingy after all. That may help to mend things between you and possibly pave the way for things to work out after all.

Well further developments have happened this last day

Last night I went clubbing with some friends and had my purse stolen. All my friends had left already and I had had quite a bit to drink. So stupid me went round to his flat.. . Yes I know... a real stupid move.
He had his phone switched off and I could only get into the first set of doors so I didn't get to see him. So I sent him a text message

This morning he rings me to ask what the text was all about and we got chatting and he asked if he could see me tonight
I asked him if he wanted to come to my house and just chill out for the eve but he said he didn't feel comfortable with that and would I like to go out for dinner instead

Anyway I go on line this afternoon and he is there. I tried to ignore him and not talk to him but he was insistant.
So we had a chat and he was very apologetic and I was trying to tell him that all I wanted was fun and no commitment and just to get things back to how they were.

About 10 minutes ago I had a text from him saying
Don't feel like meeting up tonight -sorry

So I just sent one back saying... I agree

I am now 95% convinced that he doesn't want me and hurt so much.

I am now 95% convinced that he doesn't want me and hurt so much.

You act as this is some big surprise to you. Now back to the no contact rule and slow down on the drinking

QUIT all this electronic crap. Quit it. It ruined this relationship.

Sit down and TALK in person only.

Yes I have stayed off msn. However I did send him a final e mail saying that I thought it would be best if we didn't remain friends. I was quite blatant with him and told him exactly what I thought... ie. That if we had laid down some ground rules and talked about what we wanted then none of this would have happened... but now its too late. I had two phone calls from him yesterday which I didn't answer. The last one he left a message saying tried to ring you twice and you obviously don't want to take my calls. I have read your e mail and don't know what to say... if you want to ring me back.. if not --fine!

I didn't ring him back.

That's best for now.

I'd still insist on only in person discussions - no more e-mails - people take e-mails WAY the wrong way - ALWAYS. E-mail are NOT personal. No voice mails.

On September 28th you posted: "I will take your advice and give him till 8pm tonight and if I havent had a text or a phone call by then I will never speak to him again even if he does come running."

Was hoping you had really meant that but... Glad you know that texting him while drunk was a mistake and hope you get that not being able to get up to his apartment that night was best.

Things are too confusing right now. Like Tal and Wildcat said, too much too soon. Ride it out. No contact. Even if he calls or sees you on line, don't respond. If he gets desperate enough, he will come looking for you. Should he do that I would suggest being very brief and saying you need some space right now, period, end of subject. I know it hurts but believe it or not, that too will pass. Get busy, please.

Mom - can't spread the rep - but right on.

Get busy living!!

Thanks for you thoughts... Well positive thinking and keeping busy is definitely working at them moment
Joined a gym yesterday and got myself a personal trainer.
I really enjoyed reading that book... He's just not that into you.. so I bought the new one today called.. its called breakup because it's broken.
I would recommend anyone read that one, it is fantastic

When I woke up this morning I really missed his arms around me and I had this sudden urge to send him a text message. I actually typed the message and was about to send it and remembered what the book said.
Ok send it but how are you going to feel if he doesn't reply... worse than what you feel right this minute.

So I deleted it. Felt a great sense of satisfaction. Only trouble is the feeling doesn't last very long. But I feel that I have to hang in there and every day will get easier.
At the moment I still hope and pray that he will contact me and want me back and I believe that that day will come and I hope that I will have reached the point where I think to myself... yeh but remember how he made you suffer once.. he is capable of doing that again to you but at least I am having fun, reading and learning new things and hopefully making new friends at the gym.

The no contact rule is very very hard to maintain. You can sit here all day wondering why he is not ringing you but at the end of the day the simple truth is that you are not in his thoughts and he doesn't want to.

Keep it up. It will work.

People always screw this stuff up though.

The no contact rule is very very hard to maintain. You can sit here all day wondering why he is not ringing you but at the end of the day the simple truth is that you are not in his thoughts and he doesn't want to.

If you sit all day wondering, its hard not to feel the strain of a relationship gone sour.

Never sit and wait for someone to call. I repeat, no sitting by the phone waiting and wishing... There are too many other things in this world to do besides mope for some Yahoo who isn't even thinking about you, so my suggestion is WORK on getting a life that you enjoy. Find things to do that you like so you don't depend on any one to make you happy but YOU..

A gym and a personal trainer? Wow, you are serious about getting over this guy. Good for you. Now don't spend all that money and blow it by calling him. Go to the gym as much as possible. Read your book and reread all these posts to keep you focused and most of all, DECIDE that you will get past all this and be strong. CHOOSE to do it. It's hard, yeah, so what!! A few months at the gym and a physical endurance nazi you pay to run you ragged, now that's hard.

Seriously, no contact.

A few months at the gym and a physical endurance nazi you pay to run you ragged, now that's hard.


LOL mom!!

What's he playing at now?. after no contact for nearly a week and seeing him on line and I resisted sending him any messages.
We always used to watch this programme on TV together and last night it was on... For once I wasn't thinking about him and low and behold I get a text message from him asking if I was watching the programme.. I didn't bother to reply. A second message comes through saying how emotional he was watching it!! And I still didn't reply... then a third message comes through... saying pass the tissues love lol.
This one I did reply and said... get yer own loo roll!

What's going on??

He's trying to get a rise from you, stay strong as others have said this was bound to happen -NO CONTACT_

Sorry to be a thicko here talaniman... but you say he is trying to get a rise out of me... if he doesn't give two hoots about me why is he doing this?
Not to cling to false hopes but is this his way of trying to get me back?

Yes for his own purposes though and not the way you want it. All he needs is a foot in the door and he can break you BACK down. Like YOU said he doesn't give a hoot about you. No Contact.( Do you realise how many times I say that a day?)

Yeah - this guys a little creepy. Blows hot and cold with her.

He'd have to really prove himseld in an adult - mature way.

This is why I hate text messaging. It's reall you cowards way of communicating - hey and I've been known to do it. It's too easy.

Hi hides behind computers and text.

Yep - text messaging has gotten quite popular these days! :) And it can be pretty impersonal - although efficient at times.

Daisy Rose - I have read He's Not That Into You as well. Someone recommended "It's called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and I'm dying to get that one. Sounds like it's pretty good.

So what's the status? I am in a situation where I came on too strong, myself. It's not the first time and this time I caught myself. I was wondering how things were going with you, if you got things ironed out with him, are on to someone else, or are single and loving it?

Pull back dude - be busy - be less available!

Don't call her!! Don't!!

If people just took things really SLOW with people they really like and want to be with - everything would be so much easier.

You go slow and there is no pressure!! Pressure will send her away.

Hi enchanted and everyone else

Well I haven't posted for a while... so I will tell you what has been happening. It has been very difficult but I stuck to my guns and didn't contact him.

I did receive a phone call from him a few weeks ago and I did speak to him briefly. What was the point of the phone call ? Still not sure but he seemed to want to know what I was up to. He took great pleasure in telling me that he had moved on!! As if I didn't know that already. As to date things have gone very quiet. He is playing the silly game now of disappearing off line as soon as I sign on! I know he is thinking to himself... oh I will do this and then she will wonder what I am doing.

Yes... I wonder every day what he is doing and whether he is with someone else and I am itching to find out but I am being strong and won't do it. What he is up to in his life.. is none of my business.

I went out on a date last week with a guy who is absolutely besotted with me. He treats me like a princess . The only trouble is that there is no chemistry and I don't fancy him one bit. All the while I was with him... I was thinking of my ex... I still can't get him out of my mind, but I know with time I will.

I still want him back and miss him dreadfully but I am keeping busy and have lots of dates lined up.

Every day that goes by I wonder whether today is the day that he will turn up on my doorstep and tell me he has made a terrible mistake and wants me back.

Still at least I have kept my dignity by not chasing after him and I feel good about myself for doing that.

I want to thank everyone on this site for all the advice they gave me.

The advice about NO CONTACT is an excellent piece of advice to anyone in this situation.

You can rebuild yourself esteem knowing that you are not behaving like a mad psycotic woman and if there is a chance in hell that the other person will change their mind then the odds are more in your favour if you do no contact.

In my situation... He told me that he was attracted to strong independent women and by behaving like this, I firmly believe that I am showing him what he is missing and it will be his loss.

I am not a vindictive person... but I hope that there will come a day where I will be happy with someone else and he comes knocking... and I can tell him to go to hell!!

Lovely thought eh? Lol

Anyway thank you everyone
Xxxxx

It seems to me when I look at how the world operates... "coming on strong" is either desperation in disguise (and THAT sabatoges everything in its path) or it really IS a (healthy) personality trait which tends to sort out the faint-hearted pretty quickly. Its up to you, Daisyrose, to consider which one you are.

If it's the former, I would suggest another book after your break-up book called "Women Who Love Too Much". It helps you find a way to shed that desperation, be more careful and slow down.

If it's the latter, then I say more power to you. I have also been someone who can be perceived as coming on strong. Please don't have regrets if you run someone off -- it wasn't going to work in the long run with them anyhow-- can you seee that at all?

Just a few thoughts to ponder.

The wird thing about coming on too strong is - genrally the one coming on too strong is sooooo interested in the other person... they want to show their interest tooooo much. You'd think the other person would love the attention - but NOOOOOOOO - everyone wants a challenge. I don't see a problem with being so intersted - yet you CAN'T EVER SHOW IT TOOOOO early on - SLOWLY!! (there's that word again) SLowly show it!! Keep it to yourself and PLEASE don't express verbally how you feel for a long time - show it only - slowly. Unfortunatelt these atren't GAMES - but ways you must BEHAVE to get the one you want.

" He treats me like a princess . The only trouble is that there is no chemistry and I dont fancy him one bit. " - NOW you see the other side - right?? Get it??

I waill say it for the 1 millionth time here:

PEOPLE WANT What THEY CAN'T HAVE!! ALWAYS!!

I finally had enough of his games and told him that it was unfair to me to call and then disappear and not to bother to contact me unless he was ready to communicate... and it hurt at first but it's been feeling good as the day progresses.


Pull back dude - be busy - be less available!

Don't call her!!! Don't!!!

If people just took things really SLOW with people they really like and want to be with - everything would be so much easier.

You go slow and there is no presure!!!! Presure will send her away.

Well that's good - leave them alone now. It will bw hard at first - but move on - find new things to do - be busy.