fallen_angelx
May 12, 2009, 12:25 PM
My boyfriend and I met almost 7-8 years ago online. He came to me in a point in my life where I was emotionally distressed- I was depressed all the time and cut and was just generally unhappy with the way my life is. We talked almost a year straight without seeing each other's pictures, and then stopped talking a year and then continued talking, picking right back up where we left off.
Anyway, I was a senior in high school when we started dating. He said I love you first and I couldn't say it because I knew they were powerful words and I didn't quite understand the feelings I had for him yet. But he lived in New York and I lived in Connecticut. We dated long distance for 6-7 months. He came down to visit me as a surprise for two days. He gave me my first kiss in those two days and I realized I was irrevocably in love with him. He helped me stop cutting and I was finally happy.
I moved in with him the day after I graduated high school, merely 5 or 6 months after we started dating. And I was horrified. I'd never been away from my parents for more than 2 or 3 days at a time and all of a sudden I was 500 something miles away from my family and everything I've ever known. I admit I wasn't the happiest person my first 2 years in NY.
I treated him like crap, I treated his family like crap. I cried all the time. I went back to cutting. I constantly traveled back and forth between NY and CT for months at a time. I said the meanest things to him and still he was patient and waited for me. Treated me like a princess, told me he understood, was willing to wait for me and be there for me. I was so clingy. We did everything together- even worked in the same mall where we saw each other pretty much 24/7. We fooled around everyday for almost 3-4 months straight. There were times where I was happy and we did so much great stuff together from walking to the library and spending hours in the stacks together, to picnics at the park and early morning drives to the farmer's market.
We lived with his mother that year. After that we lived in this government subsidized apartment. It wasn't perfect and we weren't always happy- but we were happy more than 90% of the time. We moved after that into this new apartment that we both fell in love with. He started working 40-60 hours a week and met this boy, now one of his best friends and everything started to change.
Now this boy is 25, college graduate, obsessed with sports, got my boyfriend into gambling and such. This boy is also a "christian" and I put the quotes around Christian because he claims to be one of those "goes to church everyday types" but spends his free times in bars, sleeping with random women, calling my house literally 6 times a day and drunk calling us.
My boyfriend HATES talking on the phone- we use to do it before we started dating almost every night for 5 or 6 hours at a time, but now he talks to his boy literally 4 or 5 hours just about sports and whatever. Soon after they met, my boyfriend decides we need to take a break.
He tells me he hasn't been happy for a while, that he just needs some time to think. I'm bawling my eyes out and then all of a sudden he starts talking about his father and how he's afraid of becoming him and how he just wants freedom from bills and work and starts telling me that he buys all kinds of junk because he never had the stuff growing up. And then he starts bawling his eyes out and so I end up comforting him. Anyway, when we were both done crying he keeps hugging me telling me not to worry that if he was to get back together with any of his ex-girlfriend, I'd be on top of the list.
His father is in jail- was an alcoholic and druggie, who had a very bad temper and molested his sister when she was a kid. So pretty much he grew up with just a mother. He's only had 2 girlfriends in his life besides me. Both of them have been very into cutting and depressed and actually tried to kill themselves when he broke up with them.
Anyway, I went home for 3 months and came back because I love NY and my apartment and pretty much was to the point where I had no problem with being away from my parents. Sure I get a little blue every once in a while, but no where is it like it use to be when I first moved here. But before I came back, we had a conversation on the phone and he kept telling me I need to start making decisions for myself and how I needed to stop putting everyone else before me.
So I'm back about a week and the entire time he's acting completely weird, just like watching me and following me around. On the day I came back, I came back with a cat and he had this big bag full of presents. There was the whole Twilight series for me (he knows I LOVE vampires) and a whole bunch of stuff for the cat. Anyway, he'd disappear into the other room and lay face down on the bed, one night I decided to follow him and I sat and rubbed his back and then left because he wasn't talking and it was feeling a little awkward. And then I see him on the floor so I go to see why he's on the floor and I'm kneeling in front of him and I was frustrated because I couldn't figure out why he was behaving this way, so I tell him and all of a sudden he just kisses me and knocks me over and keeps kissing me.
But I pull away and ask him what it means and he tells me he misses me and he's in love with me. Then I ask him what about the stuff he said to me before and he says sometimes he says things he doesn't mean. And so just like that we're going back out.
We pretty much fool around a lot and almost have sex (we're both virgins). We even start talking about getting married. And he seemed so excited about it, telling me that I was going to be part of the family I'd have to start being more open and talking to them more. And all sorts of stuff like that. Anyway, 4 months in all of a sudden, one morning he's just like this isn't working and suddenly we weren't going out anymore.
And for a while I was absolutely devastated and stunned. It was so carefree and light and fun and then boom. Nothing. We didn't even break up he just said it wasn't working and then there was nothing. I confronted him and he said he liked me and just didn't want to be in a relationship. He wanted to be single for a while. But he was still flirting with me and when he looked at me, his eyes has feelings written all over them. He freaks out whenever he sees me talking to other guys (he's a very jealous person).
But now his moods are really hard to figure out. One week he's nice, the next he's a compete . He won't look me in the face and he barely talks to me. He started to exercise and shower more so I asked him about and he said he was tired of being unhealthy, so I said okay and joined him and getting healthy. He stopped doing that stuff in about 2 weeks, not even. He has gone almost 5 months without a break from work, working 2 to 10, sometimes earlier everyday and he seems really rundown and tired. He's stopped doing the things he loved and seems to be really depressed.
I have people coming up to me all the time asking me why he's so depressed and I don't know. Every time I try to talk to him- he clams up and doesn't say anything. I just I need a way to get through to him. It's breaking my heart not being with him and hurts even more to see him so unhappy. He gets so serious sometimes, I'm the only person he ever opened up to, ever told anything to. I could get him to smile no matter what and now... now nothing. We still live together- he's made no indication he wants me to leave, only suggested I help more with the bills.
I try to make things easier for him because I know he's so stressed out from working so much so I clean the house and make him dinner and do his laundry. I pretty much treat him like a king and part of me thinks that I'm trying to make up for the first 2 years of our relationship where I treated him like dirt.
I just want him back. I went to visit my parents a few months back for a week and before I came back we talked on the phone and I was asking him questions about our relationship and he answered a few. Telling me he wasn't interested in anyone else, he's just got a lot going on. He doesn't know if he has feelings for me. He just needs some time.
And I respect him for needing the time. I honestly thing though, that on top of everything else, our talking about marriage kind of freaked him out. Honestly it freaked me out- I didn't want to ask him to marry me, but I did anyway because I was afraid to lose him again. I'm trying to be happy and be his friend- but he's my best friend and I can't stand him not talking to me. I just can't handle it. I don't know what to do. So I ask you, what is it he's trying to tell me, do you think? What should I be doing? How should be acting around him?
Anyway, I was a senior in high school when we started dating. He said I love you first and I couldn't say it because I knew they were powerful words and I didn't quite understand the feelings I had for him yet. But he lived in New York and I lived in Connecticut. We dated long distance for 6-7 months. He came down to visit me as a surprise for two days. He gave me my first kiss in those two days and I realized I was irrevocably in love with him. He helped me stop cutting and I was finally happy.
I moved in with him the day after I graduated high school, merely 5 or 6 months after we started dating. And I was horrified. I'd never been away from my parents for more than 2 or 3 days at a time and all of a sudden I was 500 something miles away from my family and everything I've ever known. I admit I wasn't the happiest person my first 2 years in NY.
I treated him like crap, I treated his family like crap. I cried all the time. I went back to cutting. I constantly traveled back and forth between NY and CT for months at a time. I said the meanest things to him and still he was patient and waited for me. Treated me like a princess, told me he understood, was willing to wait for me and be there for me. I was so clingy. We did everything together- even worked in the same mall where we saw each other pretty much 24/7. We fooled around everyday for almost 3-4 months straight. There were times where I was happy and we did so much great stuff together from walking to the library and spending hours in the stacks together, to picnics at the park and early morning drives to the farmer's market.
We lived with his mother that year. After that we lived in this government subsidized apartment. It wasn't perfect and we weren't always happy- but we were happy more than 90% of the time. We moved after that into this new apartment that we both fell in love with. He started working 40-60 hours a week and met this boy, now one of his best friends and everything started to change.
Now this boy is 25, college graduate, obsessed with sports, got my boyfriend into gambling and such. This boy is also a "christian" and I put the quotes around Christian because he claims to be one of those "goes to church everyday types" but spends his free times in bars, sleeping with random women, calling my house literally 6 times a day and drunk calling us.
My boyfriend HATES talking on the phone- we use to do it before we started dating almost every night for 5 or 6 hours at a time, but now he talks to his boy literally 4 or 5 hours just about sports and whatever. Soon after they met, my boyfriend decides we need to take a break.
He tells me he hasn't been happy for a while, that he just needs some time to think. I'm bawling my eyes out and then all of a sudden he starts talking about his father and how he's afraid of becoming him and how he just wants freedom from bills and work and starts telling me that he buys all kinds of junk because he never had the stuff growing up. And then he starts bawling his eyes out and so I end up comforting him. Anyway, when we were both done crying he keeps hugging me telling me not to worry that if he was to get back together with any of his ex-girlfriend, I'd be on top of the list.
His father is in jail- was an alcoholic and druggie, who had a very bad temper and molested his sister when she was a kid. So pretty much he grew up with just a mother. He's only had 2 girlfriends in his life besides me. Both of them have been very into cutting and depressed and actually tried to kill themselves when he broke up with them.
Anyway, I went home for 3 months and came back because I love NY and my apartment and pretty much was to the point where I had no problem with being away from my parents. Sure I get a little blue every once in a while, but no where is it like it use to be when I first moved here. But before I came back, we had a conversation on the phone and he kept telling me I need to start making decisions for myself and how I needed to stop putting everyone else before me.
So I'm back about a week and the entire time he's acting completely weird, just like watching me and following me around. On the day I came back, I came back with a cat and he had this big bag full of presents. There was the whole Twilight series for me (he knows I LOVE vampires) and a whole bunch of stuff for the cat. Anyway, he'd disappear into the other room and lay face down on the bed, one night I decided to follow him and I sat and rubbed his back and then left because he wasn't talking and it was feeling a little awkward. And then I see him on the floor so I go to see why he's on the floor and I'm kneeling in front of him and I was frustrated because I couldn't figure out why he was behaving this way, so I tell him and all of a sudden he just kisses me and knocks me over and keeps kissing me.
But I pull away and ask him what it means and he tells me he misses me and he's in love with me. Then I ask him what about the stuff he said to me before and he says sometimes he says things he doesn't mean. And so just like that we're going back out.
We pretty much fool around a lot and almost have sex (we're both virgins). We even start talking about getting married. And he seemed so excited about it, telling me that I was going to be part of the family I'd have to start being more open and talking to them more. And all sorts of stuff like that. Anyway, 4 months in all of a sudden, one morning he's just like this isn't working and suddenly we weren't going out anymore.
And for a while I was absolutely devastated and stunned. It was so carefree and light and fun and then boom. Nothing. We didn't even break up he just said it wasn't working and then there was nothing. I confronted him and he said he liked me and just didn't want to be in a relationship. He wanted to be single for a while. But he was still flirting with me and when he looked at me, his eyes has feelings written all over them. He freaks out whenever he sees me talking to other guys (he's a very jealous person).
But now his moods are really hard to figure out. One week he's nice, the next he's a compete . He won't look me in the face and he barely talks to me. He started to exercise and shower more so I asked him about and he said he was tired of being unhealthy, so I said okay and joined him and getting healthy. He stopped doing that stuff in about 2 weeks, not even. He has gone almost 5 months without a break from work, working 2 to 10, sometimes earlier everyday and he seems really rundown and tired. He's stopped doing the things he loved and seems to be really depressed.
I have people coming up to me all the time asking me why he's so depressed and I don't know. Every time I try to talk to him- he clams up and doesn't say anything. I just I need a way to get through to him. It's breaking my heart not being with him and hurts even more to see him so unhappy. He gets so serious sometimes, I'm the only person he ever opened up to, ever told anything to. I could get him to smile no matter what and now... now nothing. We still live together- he's made no indication he wants me to leave, only suggested I help more with the bills.
I try to make things easier for him because I know he's so stressed out from working so much so I clean the house and make him dinner and do his laundry. I pretty much treat him like a king and part of me thinks that I'm trying to make up for the first 2 years of our relationship where I treated him like dirt.
I just want him back. I went to visit my parents a few months back for a week and before I came back we talked on the phone and I was asking him questions about our relationship and he answered a few. Telling me he wasn't interested in anyone else, he's just got a lot going on. He doesn't know if he has feelings for me. He just needs some time.
And I respect him for needing the time. I honestly thing though, that on top of everything else, our talking about marriage kind of freaked him out. Honestly it freaked me out- I didn't want to ask him to marry me, but I did anyway because I was afraid to lose him again. I'm trying to be happy and be his friend- but he's my best friend and I can't stand him not talking to me. I just can't handle it. I don't know what to do. So I ask you, what is it he's trying to tell me, do you think? What should I be doing? How should be acting around him?