I am in NO CONTACT purgatory! My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years broke up with me suddenly 3 weeks ago tonight. I have been through hell since then. His reason was that he had never truly been single (he is 22 and I am 33) and needed space to grow and mature. He told me that I have been great and gave me the old 'it's me, not you' line. When I asked, he assured me that there was no one else, which I don't wholly believe. His demeanor was very business-like and robotic. He had been thinking about this for some time and had made his decision. By the time is was brought to my attention, there was no room for negotiation.

I know our age difference is vast. He pursued me aggressively and assured me that he wasn't interested in partying like a frat boy. It took me a couple of months to agree to give a relationship a try. He was mature, funny, intelligent, attentive, sensitive, gentlemanly. And considerate - traits I had never experienced in aggregate from a partner. The physical attraction was mutual and strong. We had a great time together and I considered him to be one of my best friends. We pushed and supported each other. I did anything I could to help him. We communicated throughout each day, from morning until bedtime.

He wanted to remain in touch to help me through the dark days ahead. That lasted for about a day. He broke up with me late on a Monday night. I spent the night awake and sobbing in a shocked stupor. I was afraid to fall asleep lest I wake up and believe it to be a nightmare, only to have reality punch me in the gut. I called him numerous times throughout the day on Tuesday. He almost always answered, as he said he would. I would do my best to start the conversation in an even-toned voice, but always end up sobbing. I kept asking 'why?' and his answer never changed. It was so disheartening that this person who was such a major part of my life was, in essence, saying goodbye to 'us'. I couldn't understand why he didn't seem broken up about it. I was FALLING APART! During one of these conversations, he mentioned that some of his buddies were coming over his place to hang out later that evening. I was so stupefied by this. He breaks my heart one night and hangs out with his buddies like all is cool the very next night?!

On Wednesday morning, I called yet again. I went through the same motions and the sobbing started up again. He was silent on his end. The only thing he said is that he had to get to work and did I want him to call me later. That's when I realized that I would spend that entire day watching my phone for that one call. I took a deep breath and told him that, no, I did not want him to call me. I told him that I appreciated him trying to help me through this, but it was making me feel worse. I told him that he was doing great at everything he was busy with and that I wish him the best of luck. I said that I will have to find a way to get through this on my own and that I couldn't speak to him any longer. Then I said 'goodbye' and hung up. He didn't say a word.

That was the last communication from either of us. I was proud of myself for summoning the strength to initiate No Contact, but now I am more and more feeling hurt and confused that he hasn't tried to get in touch with me. Why doesn't he miss me? I also feel my resolve wavering because tonight he graduates from his EMS class and part of me wants to send him a 'congratulations' text. But if I do that, I know I will be awaiting a reply which may never arrive. I am so fragile right now that I couldn't handle that.

I feel like I'm not healing. I'm lonely and distraught. My mind seems to be working against me, an enemy of sorts in a way. I cry constantly. My family & friends are worried about me. I saw a therapist today, but he didn't offer up much for my money. Why is he not experiencing this? Selfishly, I just want to know that he is hurting, too. That I still mean something to him. Am I doing the right thing in continuing No Contact?

Any advice at all (PLEASE!) is so appreciated. I am in a dark place right now. I don't know how to get better. Thank you in advance.

-Lola

It takes time. Three weeks is barely any time at all. Don't congratulate him. It won't help anything.

I understand how you feel about wanting to know he's hurting too. Don't waste time hoping for that, though. He isn't. He made up his mind.

Just stay in no contact and stay strong. It will get better.

So but your issues can not be fixed with a wave of a wand. You can not expect things and changes to happen right away.

Therapist, each therapist works differently. Gets info, listens. A lot of it has to do with listening. Eventually the therapist will come up with ideas on how to guide you. Therapist is not a magic pill but you need to do your part as the patient. Sounds like you want it to fail, sounds like your not giving it a chance.

Stick with the therapy. You need it. In order for the therapy to work, you need to be a willing participant. You have to implement the changes in your life to work through your issues. It is a process and it takes time.

No magical pill here. Okay.

Joe

Sometimes one person sucks all the air up in the room, meaning if one person is really upset, there is no room for the other to be upset. I bet you, you will get over this just about the time he starts to feel it. Guys always feel it later. It sucks for you now but realize your getting ahead of the game this way.

It's only been 3 weeks. Of course you feel like s**t and are in despair.

It's called grief, loss, desolation. It's akin to a death - the death of a partnership, of your hopes for the future. It's also called feeling helpless and disempowered because you were excluded from his decision, there was no room for negotiation and he wouldn't provide you with any real closure.

Don't expect so much of yourself - you need to grieve and feel the loss. Unfortunately there is no shortcut - you have to feel this way to get better, to move through it and to feel more positive about the world. It's awful, but it's not the end of the world.

You will need to accept that he does not want to hear from you. This is hard and it's not fair, but it is. Worrying about why he doesn't contact you will only make you feel worse. Clearly he has thought about his decision, and for whatever reason is moving on with his life. Again, this is hard, because you feel you can't move on with yours. But you have to.

Just take one day at a time. It's corny, but it works. Allow yourself to feel sad, allow yourself to feel angry as well. Allow yourself to feel.

Let your family and friends help you and nurture you - help and nurture yourself as well.

Thank you for your responses so far. They are helping me realize that there is a lot that I need to face here and I've been too afraid/heartbroken to do so.

While breaking up with me, he mentioned wanting to be able to call me up when he graduated, or simply go out for a bite to eat some time. This made me so angry. He wanted to hang on to the support and friendship our relationship provided, but he wanted to be unencumbered in every other aspect. If I hadn't implemented No Contact, that would have be pure and utter torture for me.

Gemini54 - you are correct. I am stuck on the 'why hasn't he tried to contact me?' thing. From past experiences, I know that he has the startling ability to shut down, block everything out, and transform into this cold, robotic, stone-faced person. He has admitted that it is his defense mechanism and it is a nearly impenetrable force field. That is the person who broke up with me. The cold robot won't make an attempt to contact me. I have to accept that.

Hi,
I know how much pain you are going through. I was in the way too. I feel for you.

However, if I am you, I will not contact him at all for a month at least. He broke up with for space, and you are keep bothering him (sorry to say that), and it makes the situation worse. At least he is listening to you when you call. It means he feels responsibility. If you are in silence mode, he will start to wonder. Don't expect he will run into you, but it is mind game.

If I am you, I will go out and make over for myself for fresh look. When you make yourself proud, he will admire you.
If he does not come back, do not worry. There are too many fish in pond. In my experience it worked, and I ended up with the better man and got married 10 month ago.
If someone make you cry, he does not deserve you actually.

Take care.

Thank you for your responses so far. They are helping me realize that there is a lot that I need to face here and I've been too afraid/heartbroken to do so.

While breaking up with me, he mentioned wanting to be able to call me up when he graduated, or simply go out for a bite to eat some time. This made me so angry. He wanted to hang on to the support and friendship our relationship provided, but he wanted to be unencumbered in every other aspect. If I hadn't implemented No Contact, that would have be pure and utter torture for me.

Gemini54 - you are correct. I am stuck on the 'why hasn't he tried to contact me?' thing. From past experiences, I know that he has the startling ability to shut down, block everything out, and transform into this cold, robotic, stone-faced person. He has admitted that it is his defense mechanism and it is a nearly impenetrable force field. That is the person who broke up with me. The cold robot won't make an attempt to contact me. I have to accept that.

I like your metaphor of a "cold, dark robot." That really sounds similar to how my ex broke up with me. For the entire time we were together (almost two years) any time we were faced with a problem in our relationships she would shut down and block me out. No matter how hard I tried to help her figure things out and sort out the issues together, it never worked.

She went as far as to curl into the fetal position and say nothing (and I mean absolutely nothing) until I left the room for an hour or two. Some people have different ways of dealing with (or running away from) their issues.

You really seem better off without this guy, to be honest. I'm sure he had some really great aspects, but if you couldn't communicate then it wasn't a healthy relationship to start with.

You'll be fine, don't worry ;)

~ Tee

Thank you for your responses so far. They are helping me realize that there is a lot that I need to face here and I've been too afraid/heartbroken to do so.

While breaking up with me, he mentioned wanting to be able to call me up when he graduated, or simply go out for a bite to eat some time. This made me so angry. He wanted to hang on to the support and friendship our relationship provided, but he wanted to be unencumbered in every other aspect. If I hadn't implemented No Contact, that would have be pure and utter torture for me.

Gemini54 - you are correct. I am stuck on the 'why hasn't he tried to contact me?' thing. From past experiences, I know that he has the startling ability to shut down, block everything out, and transform into this cold, robotic, stone-faced person. He has admitted that it is his defense mechanism and it is a nearly impenetrable force field. That is the person who broke up with me. The cold robot won't make an attempt to contact me. I have to accept that.

Thanks, I'm glad my words hit a chord with you. The cold robot is an awful image and perhaps one that you should keep in mind as you go through the process of grieving. Imagine what your emotional life with him would have been like if this is how he responds to difficulty and crisis? Scary.