Let me first say that Im 34 and my boyfriend is 33. We have both been married and divorced and both have children from those marriages.We have been together for about 1 1/2 years living together for the past 6 months or so. We have a great friendship and while the sex was never "fireworks", it has never been "bad"... or so I thought. I did notice that he didn't seem to be as into it as men I have been with in the past, but if you knew those men, well let's just say I haven't always had the best of luck in pickin' them! Anyway, for past several months it seems as if he has lost complete interest in having intercourse with me. I'll give him oral or a hand job and then its over. When I asked him about it the first time he told I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion and that sex isn't everything. So I let it go. As this continued, I became very self conscience, a little insecure thinking there was something wrong with me, so I brought it up again. First he tells me that he is just stressed out (yes, he is) and sex is the furthest thing from his mind. This time I pushed the issue a little more and he told me "Fine! You wanna know the truth? You were married to a black man (im white) and it grosses me out" Imagine my shock and hurt! I mean, if this was how he felt WHY didn't he tell me this before he told me he loved me, before we moved in together? When I asked him how he wanted me to react (I was SO hurt) he told me that he didn't mean it and that he was having some issues but was working on them and for me to patient. That was about 2 months ago... I have been patient. I haven't pushed him and no nothing has really changed. Then out of the blue this weekend he tell's me the same thing again. That I "disgust him" and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me. This was Saturady night and I slept on the couch Sat and Sun night. I mean, hell if I disgust him why would he want me sleeping next to him? I asked him last night why he waited so long and he was too tired to talk about it... because we are both at work right now, we really haven't had an oppurunity to talk today either. Is he serious? Do I walk away from the otherwise perfect relationship because of my past? My stomach is sick and I can't think about anything else. Any thoughts or advice would help. Thanks.

The relationship is not a perfect one. You have been sleeping with his issues. His stuff is affecting the relationship, profoundly! He needs counseling and more "working on it" than it's worth.

There are guys that will love you for who you are, right now. Break up with this... Bigot, and do some work on you. You deserve to grow and be cherished, just the way you are. The fact that you are questioning your own feelings while taking on his stuff about you being disgusting is a sign that this relationship may be one-sided.

Is your boyfriend racist? I would be highly upset if he tells me "you were married to a black man". My question would be "and?".

I am black any fiancé is white and if he ever open his mouth to say something like that it would be the end of us.

If you disgusted him so much you should move on.

Luckily he didn't say something like me because I would be in jail from kicking his a$$. He is a jerkoff and you can do better, believe me.

Btw, are your kids mixed?

Sounds like boyfriend is a racist to me also and if he is, there may not be any counseling that will solve those sort of imbreed issues.

But the problem is his. But it is effecting you.

Choice make him get counseling but if it does not help time to move on.

Yes try to get him to counseling. Also always suggest you do your own individual counseling just to help you deal with him as well. Your reactions to it.

If counseling does not seem to help then move on.

Joe

I wonder if there are deeper issues here, rather than the racism that other posters are suggesting.

I would ask is he genuinely racist or is he reacting with extreme defenceivness to your suggestion that your mutual sex life is not satisfying for you?

Perhaps he is insecure about his sexual performance and feels as if he's being compared?(obviously, if your ex husband is black, then he would feel the comparison is with him).

Perhaps he feels that you are too sexually demanding (I'm not saying that you are) and doesn't know how to respond to this or how to satisfy your 'demands'?

There are many questions here - I would suggest that you need to ask him about his commitment to the relationship, as clearly his awful words threaten it. Ask him is the relationship important and does he want to work through this issue with you?

If the answer is yes, then as other posters have wisely suggested, go to counselling.
I don't think that this is something that you can resolve on your own.

You two are not married and chances are he has no intention of marrying you. He clearly has issues and he is making his issues yours. That is extremely selfish.
I think I'd just leave him. He has been with you all of this time, having sex with you and he has these feelings. That alone would totally piss me off.
Are your children bi-racial? How does he react to them?
Na, he would have to go.

My stance on this would be he either goes to counseling with you, or he packs his bags and gets the hell out of your life.

No in between.

This is one of those few times where I think an ultimatim is a good place to start the conversation.

Well if after moving in with you, telling you he loves you and then he pulls this out of his hat, whatever! Dump him. He should love you for you today and who you are now. So what if you were with a black man. I am sure he has skeletons in his closet to. Big deal. Its not a big deal on color, race or gender. Love is love.

You know what my reply would have been if he said I disgusted him for sleeping with a black man... "well now so havent you" ha ha get him with that one.

Just from the title of your post I was going to say that you deserve better but after reading your post..
I know you deserve better!

Well, it seems to me that he is racist and I don't think counsrlling will help that type of behaviour, you mentioned that you have children are any of those kids from your ex-husband who was black? Gosh I hope not cause you don't need that type of negative energy around your children. In fact a home where racism lies is not a good environment for children period. So I don't think this relationship is perfect, think you better leave and move on with your life, sooner the better.

And this just NOW becomes an issue to him? Did he not know all of this BEFORE.

I think there are other issues you aren't yet aware of going on here.

And this just NOW becomes an issue to him? Did he not know all of this BEFORE.

I think there are other issues you aren't yet aware of going on here.

That's what I was thinking. After all this time and he says that.

I am thinking his ex-wife cheated on and maybe the guy was black?

I couldn't sleep next to a guy that said the things he said to you. He has a lot of balls to say these things.

Had to spread the rep Liz, but that's an interesting question that maybe his issue has something to do with a previous lover.

OP, never be with anyone that will put you down. You can not allow your children to be around this kind of hatred. They will grow up thinking it is OK or (if they are bi-racial) begin hating themselves.

Get out because this is not a healthy relationship. In this situation I really don't think counseling will help because feelings of racism are not something that will go away with... "And how does that make you feel?"

The fact is you will never feel comfortable with him at this point. You will always remember that he told you you're disgusting.

Please move on so that your children can see that mommy loves herself.

Been there,and done it.I was divorced and had a black boyfriend for about a year.Color didn't matter because he was giving me everything I needed.Or so I thought.The relationship didn't work out and we broke up.I made the mistake of telling my new boyfriend who is now my husband.He didn't like it.He said it was discusting.So my answer to him was eveyone is not perfect.It happened before I met him and I just told him that if that is what I wanted,then that's what I would be with.In time he got over it.How many women has he been with? Start telling him he's discusting because of certain things that you don't like.Tell him that if he can't meet your needs then its no good and that you don't think you would have trouble finding someone that will meet your needs.I don't know of any man that would not have sex with any women.Maybe he doesn't want it with you because he's getting it somewhere else and he's using that as an excuse.

Don't waste your time with this guy. He's obviously a racist. He's says sex is no big deal after you've "taken care" of HIM. Find someone, regardless of color, that will treat you like a lady and accept you for you. Good luck and GOD bless.

My BF knows I had a black boyfriend before him and all he cared about was did the guy treat me well.

I find it incredible that this issue is being brought up after such a long time.It is also very suspicious to me and I wonder if it is not same lame excuse.

If you children are bi-racial this is a horrible example for them and I would be concerned how he feels and acts toward them.

I have never know a racist to change their view,sad to say.
Perhaps there is a way to make him understand we are people first but I don't know how you would go about that.Sensitivity training?

I think for him to throw you this curve ball at such a late date is suspicious ,I think there is something more going on here.I think he has another agenda that you aren't aware of.

Sorry artlady, have to spread some rep, but I agree with you. I think there may be somethingelse going on with old boy. Like maybe another woman.

I think he's hiding something, and the most quick way to shut down a conversation is to say the most hurtful thing you can think of to stop the communication.

When he said, "you disgust me", that knocked you on your derrierre. You don't disgust him enough for a BJ or a hand job. What's the deal with that.

He is up to something, and you need to confront him, and not accept riduculous excuses to knock you off balance.

Don't let him turn this around on you. Counter his statements with direct questions, and get to the bottom of it.

What you've had so far is a sick smoke screen.

Time to get a new/better/kinder model of a MAN.

Not an arrogant racist loser.

I would suggest that your Bj + HJ is half of the problem-from now on inform him of YOUR disgust that he is not treating you well enough and should he continue-SHOW HIM THE DOOR!

Case closed. Move on.

As long as he is racist and can not let go of your past he will never change. He will always connect you with what he hates.

Unless he loves you enough to want to get over it AND he begins to recognize the problem as HIS and NOT yours your relationship is doomed to fail.

Ask him what he would think and feel if you told him that you can't get past one of his previous relationships (for whatever reason)

Don't buy into the procrastination talk to keep you dangling.
You need to have a talk with him about how he wants to deal with this and where he sees your relationship going. If he doesn't give you 100% positive answers it is time to leave him in the dust.

To those saying there are deeper issues involved.. so what? His racism is showing in the choice of hurt he used.

The only cure for racism I have seen that's effective is a funeral. Get him out of your life before he communicates his poison to your children. I feel really sorry for his.

To those saying there are deeper issues involved.. so what? His racism is showing in the choice of hurt he used.

The only cure for racism I have seen that's effective is a funeral. Get him out of your life before he communicates his poison to your children. I feel really sorry for his.
Deeper issues doesn't get him off the hook for what he said.

She was interested in knowing What was up... the real issue isn't what he said... its something else. Doesn't change anything. Unless she no longer cares what was really going on.

Smoothy, the other issues really don't matter for her kids. I have a very Darwinian view of racism: it's counter-survival, and should therfore become extinct, preferably as quickly as we can arrange. I say this as a Caucasian Southern male raised by rednecks who used the term "darkie" as easily as I use "male." (Yeah, this is one of my own "issues")

Well if she really wants to know what was going on in his mind she has to look beyond those comments. Like I said... I didn't give him a free ride on that because he was obviously wrong saying it for any reason, but that's not what the real problem is. And whites aren't the biggest rascists either, Take a look at who is setting in the White House right now... ever read either of his autobiographies? It goes WAY, WAYYYY beyond what this guy said. And stereotyping a southern white guy as a rascist is in itself rascist. Think about it, how about any particular comments that someone might have about your personal upbringing whatever it might be? See my point here?

Blacks don't get a pass on rascism either... nor Koreans... Hispanics... etc.. THey ALL practice it very extensively themselves... buts that's getting way off topic for this forum.

Basically the question is does she really want to know what was going on or just rely on some words he blurted out in stupidity and never know the root issue? She's never going to have closure until she knows the real problem.

Best analysis yet lucytwo2

We have a great friendship and while the sex was never "fireworks", it has never been "bad"... or so I thought. I did notice that he didn't seem to be as into it as men I have been with in the past, but if you knew those men, well let's just say I haven't always had the best of luck in pickin' them! Anyway, for past several months it seems as if he has lost complete interest in having intercourse with me. I'll give him oral or a hand job and then its over. When I asked him about it the first time he told I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion and that sex isn't everything.

From the above quote from you, I think he's problem lies with what happened to his marriage might and I quote MIGHT be the main reason, i.e If as I suspect, his ex-wife had an affair and or is with a Black man and has been belittled by her for not being great in bed as MAYBE her lover if Black is PLUS you are probably have a similar sex drive as his ex did, therefore he sees her in you, which he is disgusted about and not over (The Issue).
Do you know if his ex cheated on him with a Black man or maybe she is getting banged by one now?

Anyway my suggestion is the same as in lucytwo2's May 13, 2009; 10:14pm Posting.

Good Luck

Well aside from the "black" thing" it would disgust me if a man only wanted hand and blow jobs from me and did not care or want to touch me. That tells me he has no respect for me as a woman and his partner. He's got problems.
As for the black statement, he didn't say your being with another man disgust me, he said your being with a black one. That speaks volumes to me.
He has a problem with her being with a black man, where it stems from, I couldn't care less. His actions and his words would be enough for me to leave.

I think you are way too kind & naïve to rate this relationship as great before this incident. I detect in depth underlining problems with your boyfriend , such as: anger issue, poor communication skills, fear of intimacy etc. You also have issues you need to address, such as; self respect, boundary , seek validation by others issues etc. Go and seek some couple counseling ASAP.

Like I said before.I think he has the issues and he's probably insecure.I still say if he doesn't want sex with you then he's getting it somewhere else and he's saying what he is because he is on a GUILT TRIP.

OK,Hurt. You have had a lot of advice. To where has this process brought you? What has occurred within you and with him?