Hello. My name is Jes.

I have been dating a really great guy since Feb 2008. In November, we decided to take the next step in our relationship and move in together.

I have been married before and so has he. We do have an age difference of 16 years. I have never thought it may be a problem.

He has two children from a previous relationship that we see as often as possible. He is a really great father and treats his duty as a parent as I would want him to if they were mine. I have formed quite an attachment for his children. I do love them and I find myself missing them and excited about doing things with them.

We moved from the first house to a new house last week.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs since the beginning. We have baby momma drama, we have went through both losing our jobs through this crappy economy, and we have worked through our own issues trying to grow together as a couple.

Nothing has ever been so bad that we could not work it out. We argue a lot though. I am very mean when I get upset and I say ugly things about my partner and sometimes even his kids. I don't mean them, but I get mad.

Last week, I got mad and acted so ridiculous. I said mean things to him, pushed on him, and told him I was calling the police. I said it was my house and he had to leave. I acted really out of control.

I did not mean anything I did. It is not really the way I feel, nor did I really call the police. I was upset.

Well, he did leave the folliowing day. We still have a lot of our things in boxes from the move, etc. Our house is still in somewhat of a mess.

We have talked. He has stayed at his family and friends houses since he left. He was been so good hearted to come do some things around the house, but he will not stay.

He says he does not feel like it's a home. And he does not want to be with me anymore. He says the longer he stays away from me the better he feels. He also says that he does not want to have to worry about anyone but himself and his kids anymore.

Lastnight, I came to visit my family. I have so much stress with this going on and I hurt so bad that I started shaking and shook myself into somesort of attack. The ambulance came. They said I had an anxiety attack. I have never had this happen before.

I went and talked with a priest. He read me some passages, and helped me ask God to forgive me for being so horrible to the man I love. You don't treat people you love like that, but I did.

He says he emotionally wants to give in and come back, but he knows that things will be back to the old way in no time.

And reasonably is the way he says we should be thinking instead of emotionally.

All of our stuff is in the house (I know its just stuff), but its our stuff... our bed, and it makes me hurt even more.

He won't answer my phone calls. He just comes home to get clothes, etc.

I feel like I have changed after all of this. It sucks that something so bad had to happen, but I know what I want and I just want to be happy with him and spend the rest of our lives together.

I don't think he wants to. He says he doesn't believe that I changed.

I miss him and the kids so bad. I have told him all of this, but he says, " how do you think I felt with you were calling me names, pushing on me, and telling me to get out.?"

I know we have had problems. Like I said, both of us have been divorced, so we are no relationship experts. But I do know that we love each other. But is it enough? He says love is not enough.

I have a schedule for some couple counseling that I will commit to go to, but he doesn't even want to try that.

Do you think he will com back? Do you think we will work through it?

I don't think he wants to. He says he doesn't believe that I changed.

I think that is a reasonable assumption,after all ,it has only been a week.People rarely change that dramatically in one week.

You may have been given a wake-up call and the motivation to change may be fervent but true change is not that easy or quick.

I think you need to ask him if you go to therapy and work on your anger and communication if there is any hope for your future.

At some point he must be willing to participate in the therapy as well,if you want a solid foundation for your future.

Communication often needs to be taught and for it to be successful both parties must give it their best shot.

Love is not enough to make a healthy lasting relationship.Love is the easy part,it comes naturally.
Relationships take work,commitment and compromise,just to name a few.

To speculate on whether he will come back is a waste of time,no one can predict the future.

All you can do is reiterate to him that you are going to work very hard to work on your issues so as to be a better partner.Then the ball is in his court.

I'm going to be blunt.

If someone constantly nagged at you, harped at you, yelled at you, talked badly about your kids, threatened you, would you be willing to give them chance after chance after chance? Not many people would.

I really don't think he's coming back, it sounds like he's come to the conclusion that you aren't going to change and he's right, love isn't enough, not if you're constantly walking on egg shells waiting for the next fight.

I know it hurts and I'm sorry that it took this incident to finally realize that you have problems. I'm also sorry that it seems like you learned this too late to save your relationship.

It's time to get help for your anger issues. Do it for you, not anyone else. Move on with your life, it will get easier. You really don't have a choice.

Good luck.

I think you hurt him in more ways than one. You verbually abused him and any form of abuse isn't good. The hurtful things you said to him left a scar in his heart and to add salt to the wound you down played his kids. Not cool in my books and if someone ever did that to me I would be out with the quickness.

It is good that you found God and is willing to go through counseling but do these things for yourself not anyone else. Get to the root of your anger, learn to control it, and overall watch what you say to people especially the ones you love. Your tongue is the wickest of all swords and if you don't have nothing nice to say then don't say nothing at all.

This relationship was toxic and when going downhill anyway. The constant agruing, anger, and verbual abuse from you should have been signs.

The relationship is over but you can still change for yourself. And if anything you should have learn a valuable lesson from this relationship--learned when to put the shut to the up and walk away.

If the situation were reversed, and it was him doing the name calling, yelling, pushing and threatening behaviour, we would call that abuse flat out.

That's what it is.

Abusers are always remorseful after the fact, but never seem to recognize the history of abuse, and do anything about it to stop it, so it keeps happening, by choice in my opinion. If you knew where the arguments lead, why didn't you take steps to address your anger and aggression with a therapist a long time ago.

On the positive side, I have to say I admire you for not blaming him for your behaviour. You are really honest about that, and take responsibility, and I believe you are sincere.

You are a perfect candidate for anger management training. You have already realized that it is your behaviour that needs to change, not the behaviour of everybody around you who cause you to lash out.

To seek out that type of therapy will do wonders for you. You learn how to identify what is happening, and how to control, diffuse, and take control of yourself.

I would say that if you did that, he may very well come back. And even if he doesn't, with your anger under control, the next time you fall in love, your chances for success are much, much greater.

Look. No one can tell you if he's going to come back, or if you can work through it, because it depends on you, him and how much damage has been done.

What I do know is that this is actually a blessing in disguise. It's a wake up call for you.

You've been behaving in a way that most people would consider to be abusive in a relationship. You have behaved with meanness, anger and disrespect towards the person that you supposedly love. The person that you should be treating with love, compassion and kindness.

You now have the opportunity to do something about this abusive pattern of behavior. You said it yourself - you're very mean and you say things that you don't mean. Why?

At this stage, if I were you, I'd be examining my own behavior and where it comes from. Use this crisis as an opportunity to speak with a counsellor who can assist you to explore where this mean spirited person inside you comes from. Do it with an honest intent to understand and change your responses.

If your partner sees that you are genuinely committed to this process he may think about coming back. If he doesn't, then you'll be armed with new knowledge and self understanding for the next relationship, and hopefully you won't make the same mistake again.

It's up to you.

Sounds to me like he's doing everything the right way, from what you're telling us. My ex use to do the same thing to me but the difference was I stayed and never left her.

Sorry but he's doing the right thing, and the right thing for you to do is to give him his space. You cannot change over the course of a week, give him what he wants (space) and it shows him respect which you seem to lack for him.

You need to seek help to keep your anger in check, sure we all say things when we are angry, but you not only emotionally struck him, you also pushed him. You then threatened to call the cops, you made him feel like a guest in the house by saying "it's my house, get out" I wouldn't want to come back either. Who knows when the next time you would kick him out and if his children would be there. Then you insult his kids! That's the biggest no-no, I'm not biologically my kids father, but anyone who messes with them or talks bad about them, gets the wraith of an angry father after them. His job is to do what's best for his kids, and living in a verbally and physically abuse house is not that.

Go get help for your anger issues, work on your own problems before you try to fix this relationship.

. I have told him all of this, but he says, " how do you think I felt with you were calling me names, pushing on me, and telling me to get out.?"



Improve your behavior, and leave him alone.

What makes you think he would put himself through that again? He won't. No one would.