I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be long. I have to give a lot of background information before you will totally understand what happened. I also ask that once you read you respect my decisions, I'm not here for an argument.

My boyfriend of almost a year broke-up with me just about 4 months ago. He was my best friend a year before that. Our relationship, as far as I am concerned, was great, he's often said so himself. We did not fight, except for the little things that most people argue about. I was 100% in love with him and he genuinely made me happy to wake up in the morning. He to this day is still the last person I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. We had plans to marry in a few years, when we could afford the wedding we both wanted. After his lease was up in Chicago and he had finished college we were both intending to move to Fargo, ND to be closer to his family, which I didn't mind as mine had never been really close. When he first brought this up I was a little apprehensive about just abandoning my life in Chicago. I had been here my entire life but I was afraid that if I went with him, things would end which was the last thing I wanted. Here is where it gets complicated. In July of 2008 a man I worked with raped me during work hours. A few months later I learned I was pregnant, unaware if the baby was that of my boyfriends or my rapist. ( I have since gone to counseling and continue to do so. Legal action has also been taken) I chose to not tell him right away. I was afraid I would think I wanted it, that I didn't try to stop him. There was no way I could tell him I was carrying a baby that may not be his, it killed me enough to think about it. I was afraid of hurting him, this man is my world and I would never want that. In November of the same year we had been having a silly argument about us moving and my fears. He started complaining about how I had been different lately. I was no longer smiling. I wasn't enjoying life and I was letting my appearance go. I was always worried he was going to hurt me, which ultimately pushed him away. I had lost my luster and that was the very reason he loved me to begin with. I finally broke down and told him. I told him everything, about the baby, why I was acting ridiculous. He sat there for a moment, just looking at me and holding me and then he started to cry. He talked to me for a little while and then told me he had to go. I later learned that he called his mom crying, asking her for help that she just couldn't give him. I saw him the next day when he crawled into bed with me. He kissed my forehead and promised he wouldn't leave me to deal with all of this alone. I was happy he had chosen to stay but part of me knew something was just not right. We talked a little bit about the baby and how we both didn't think the right time was now and that it just wasn't fair to bring a baby into this world when we had no idea who the father was. I got an abortion in December. The next few days he started acting very unusual, he was backing off and I knew it suddenly our plans became his plans and he no longer looked at me like I was special. He broke up with me in January, his reason: "I don't know how to help you. It's nothing you did wrong but I'm scared. I can't make you happy and that terrifies me. I'm not saying we wont be together someday but right now I just can't. I don't know what to do." He then broke down in tears and left my house, he had told me he was going to Michigan to be with his parents. His mom is one of my closest friends and she's told me since that day he's only talked about the whole thing maybe once and it's left him in tears. That he truly is afraid because he couldn't fix it for me. My ex and I still talk fairly regularly but it's never about the situation. He'll text or call just to make sure I'm doing OK and just up on things that are going on with my life He'll share a little about his, check up on my relationship status and that's that. He, nor I, have been in a relationship since. I've tried bringing up the events but he just brushes it off, he gets upset and avoids the topic. I've since stopped trying because I don't want to push him farther away and ruin any chance I have to eventually reconcile our relationship.

I have a few questions one is, how do I bring up the topic without making him feel uneasy? It needs to be discussed before we can ever works on repairing the damage that happened. I also need to help him see that even though I went through all that alone, that I've gotten help and I'm well on my way to be the person I once was. I've gotten myself back and I've certainly got my life back. I'm hoping ultimately that we can get back together. I am never one to let something great go without a fight and I refuse to let something like that tear us apart. I know it's a hard thing to deal with, but I've grown from the happenings and I see no reason why we can't make it work again. Now before you tell me it just can't be done from Chicago and him in Fargo, I'll be going back to school in Fargo this fall. He had asked me to apply when we we're planning on me moving with him.

Any advice would be very appreciated. I would also like to discourage any negative comments because I can't put every event that has happened in the post. Some things are left out and I apologize, but we'd be here for hours if I included everything. I've accepted the possibility that we will not be together, so I don't need advice on how to let him go. I've been well aware that me not being with him may be the case. In any event I would like to talk to him either way and at the very least be his friend, I will not fully move on and heal until we've fully discussed things.

I cannot imagine your situation, but I can give you a few tips about some things that you said.

First of all, if you cannot be honest with the person (regardless of circumstances) then you need to reconsider having a true relationship with them. When you chose not to tell your man about the entire situation, you took away any chance he had to make a decision on his own. In doing so, you manipulated him in a manner that you thought was best for you. Then, when everything finally came out, the previous deception prevented him from being able to fully trust you.

I know that on some level, you were confused and lost, and you thought you were trying to protect everything. I hope you've learned that regardless of the situation, if you truly care about someone you'll give him a chance to handle it on his own.

Now, at the bottom of the post, you mentioned that you can't fully move on and heal until you've discussed everything with him. What are you trying to accomplish with this? If he is not ready to talk to you, or if he hasn't sorted out his feelings, you are only going to make things worse. You're going to feel unfulfilled, and he's going to feel even worse for making you feel bad. Learn to accept the situation instead of trying to control it. Overcome your insecurities and figure out your life.

~ Tee

I'm not trying to force him into anything. I just think, unless I provoke him that we will continue to pretend that nothing happened, which is good for neither of us.

It's also not that I wasn't being honest, I wasn't lying to him I was afraid to tell him, those were huge personal things I had to deal with and I had to let myself tell him when I was ready.

As for getting on with my life and over coming my insecurities, that's why I go to a counselor. As part of my healing it's that I try to talk some things out with him. I'm not trying to make him do anything he doesn't want to do but at some point these things do need to be talked about.

As for getting on with my life and over coming my insecurities, that's why I go to a counselor. As part of my healing it's that I try to talk some things out with him. I'm not trying to make him do anything he doesn't want to do but at some point these things do need to be talked about.

I understand that you need his input right now, but please realize that if he is not willing to discuss something, it's not going to help you at all. Pressuring him is only going to make things worse (trust me, I sabotaged a good relationship by putting too much pressure on my ex to figure herself out too fast). Let him know that it is important to you, and then let it be.

It sucks, but that's all you can do. Reference my signature for your next steps ;)

~ Tee

So it's OK that I just be his friend like I am now and let him come to me when he's ready to talk? If that's what I should do I'll do it.

You want to talk to him because you feel that things have been left unresolved, and because there may be the possibility of reconciling in the relationship.

I can understand that you want closure, and that you want to demonstrate that you've moved on with your life. The difficulty with this is that it's all around what you want (and believe that you need), not what he wants (or possibly needs at this moment in time).

Life is extraordinarily hard sometimes - as you've sadly discovered from experience.

The problem is that things do not happen in neatly packaged bundles for us. Sometimes we can't 'tie up the loose ends'.

I will not fully move on and heal until we've fully discussed things

I would suggest that you may have to accept that this might not be possible because clearly, from his behaviour, he's still confused and distressed by what happened to you and between you. He might also feel pressured when you raise the subject. Men do deal with situations like this differently to women. Women typically want to talk, whilst men get on with their lives. (I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new!)

Perhaps the best course of action is to believe that you can move on and heal without having to explain everything to him. Maintain a friendship, but don't pressure him to talk about it or raise the subject. Be friends with him because you like him and are interested in him.

Who knows, in his own time he may raise the subject himself. Then again, he may not. I would not hold back any healing process based on this prospect.

I wish you all the best.