I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now. We like each other a lot. Things are going great. But the for the last 30 days, I have been stressing out and I am in a very bad mood. Here is the problem. I am 22 year old. I have only had two girls in my life. My girlfriend is 19. But she has already slept with 11 guys before me. 3 of them from her previous boyfriend which is totally fine with me. However, the rest of them 8 were from one night stands and friends with benefits. I was really grossed out by that a month ago when I asked her about her sexual past. And she told me all that. I met her at the beginning of Jan this year. She broke up with her boyfriend in last Sep, and she had a one night stand that month. And then she was having sex with her friend for a while. And this guy is ugly and he is a looser. According to her he was consoling her because she was sad and she slept with him. I want to break this guy's face if I see him.

I told her a week ago that I can't seem to get over her past. She told me that she is sorry that I can't get over it and she told me that eventually I will be able to get over it. That is why she changed and she didn't have sex for two months before we met. Yeah but she slept with me on our first date. Here is another problem, too. I am leaving for training in another city half a world away for a month. I don't think I will be able to trust her. She loves sex a lot. And most of the guys that she slept with previously are still in this same town. And I know she still talks to some of them on Facebook under private messages. Even though she told me she doesn't anymore but she is always talking to someone on Facebook, and I saw her talking to guys on Facebook also.

This girl is amazing in every other ways except for her past. I really want to get over her past and start trusting her that she won't cheat on me when I am away for training. But I can't seen to find ways to help myself. I almost wanted to cheat on her so I can feel guilty when I see her and so I can respect myself less. But I stopped myself, case I can never cheat on someone. I am constantly so worried about the relationship. I was so stressed out that I got shingles/chicken pox. Now I am even more depressed.

My question is :
1) How can I completely get over her past
2) How can I trust her when I am not around
3) Can someone really change in two months from having sex with random guys
Please help.

I don't think I will be able to trust her.
Trust is one of things relationships are based on, if you can't trust her then why stay in this relationship.


I am constantly so worried about the relationship. I was so stressed out that I got shingles/chicken pox. Now I am even more depressed.
Why put yourself threw this mentally and physically rollercoaster. Move on and find someone you can trust.

1) How can I completely get over her past

You're not a computer, you erase this information from your hard drive. Her past will always be there. What you can do is accept her pass. Trust that she will remain faithful to you from now on.


2) How can I trust her when I am not around


You can't force yourself to trust her. Trust is earned. She has to earn your trust. But the fact that you ask this question means that you obviously don't trust her.


3) Can someone really change in two months from having sex with random guys

No one can answer this except her. It's different from person to person.

The bottom line is that there is no trust in this relationship. No trust, no relationship. You are torturing yourself to be with her. Relationships aren't suppose to be so painful, lack of trust and insecurities. I think it's time for you to move on from her...

Carbon copy of a situation I posted here way back when.

I have no answer friend, I can only identify and understand what your going through.

First off, you coming up with ideas about cheating on her or breaking some dude's face is not a viable way to accomplish anything. Let those thoughts go.

IF you can accept her and truly believe you can do this than continue with her. If not, don't force it or convince yourself you can handle it because it will come back and blow up in your face. I fooled myself into thinking I could look past it (again, it's eerie how similar our situations are/were, almost the same number and age too) but it came back. Even when I didn't purposly try to bring it up it came out.

The stress and the time spent thinking about it was not worth continuing with her and eventually it ended and ended badly.

Some can accept and move on, for those of us that cannot handle the fact that the person we like so much could casually entertain other dude's it is wise to just accept this "fault" and look elsewhere.

I don't think your one of those than can handle it based on your question and how you feel so my advice would be to get out before this really gets problematic and ends the same way. I don't think it's mean of you or anything to do that, although I would fall short of actually telling her, then again maybe not.

Good luck man, it's not easy. Leaving, however, would be easier than the alternative in my experience.

Thanks for the fast replies guys. I understand that trust is very important in a relationship. The thing is she likes me as much as I like her. She is always the one phoning and messaging me every night. She always tells me what she is doing and stuff. She told me that she doesn't even hang out with anyone other than her relatives. She has no good friends anymore because she stopped hanging out with them. She said they were bad influence. But I only see her a few times a week so I can't be certain that she is telling the truth.

The reason to why I am putting up with the worrying is because I think I am the problem here. She has no problem with me. She thinks everything is perfect between us. She said she will trust me to go to strip clubs or clubs even if I don't bring her with me. Our hobbies are almost identical. It's even closer than my best friends. Anything that I like to do, she likes them too. I don't think I can ever find a wonderful girl like her that is so compatible with my personality ever for the rest of my life.

Should I just take some time away from this relationship to think straight or should I keep communicating with he about the problem. I don't want to hurt her feelings and further more I don't want a break up because I appreciate her very much.

My question is :
1) How can I completely get over her past
A: You have to realize that she is with you now, the past is exactly that, it's a sunken old ship.
2) How can I trust her when I am not around
A: You have to have faith in her feelings for you, without trust there is no relationship. Point blank, period
3) Can someone really change in two months from having sex with random guys
A: Yes, if someone cares a lot about someone, they can change their outlook on sex. I didn't want a relationship and was out hooking up with other girls after my break up. I met the girl I am engaged to and even though we were just talking I wasn't interested in other girls.
Please help.

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that she really likes you. All these signs... calling, texting, etc. it doesn't mean much. What matters is how you feel: Do you trust her? Are you happy with her? Do you feel secure with her?

If you really want this relationship to work out, then you have to keep talking to her. Be patient. Tell her your concerns, but give her the chance to earn your trust. But I still think that you are just torturing yourself.

Move on.

EDIT: Your head line said you can not get past her past and you do not trust her.

That is why two simple words move on. Two red flags for you. Right off the bat.

Take care.

Joe

I agree that I think the problem is with your thought process on her lifestyle prior to meeting you.

I think it is common for some women to experiment sexually and make choices that they themselves may not be proud of when they are young. And she is young. Perhaps even too young for you.

If her past bothers you, that is not going to change and she can't change her past or be held accountable now for things she did prior to your relationship.

You decision, is her past enough reason to leave a relationship you apparently appreciate? She has not given you a reason within your relationship to mistrust her, can you offer her a clean slate? If not, then leave her alone, she deserves a clean slate... not to be judged on her baggage alone.

Hmm...

Well, I honestly don't give a damn that my partner is good in bed because, in part, she slept with other men before me. What... should she look down if I'm getting her off and demand "who taught you that move?!"

All you know is that she's used sex before more casually than you. Maybe she's had more opportunity. Maybe she's used it on occasion for "relief"... I don't care.

Unless she is a habitual cheater, I just don't see how who she has been with is any business of yours, outside of STD issues. Yes, the more partners you have, the more at risk you are. You can get an STD with your first partner. You can have many without getting an STD. studies clearly show that a higher number of partners increases your risk.

But all that said... again... I met a good woman who had a child. Whod dated probably a dozen men before me. She was still a good woman, and her past shaped who she was.

So... its OK to be uncertain and unsure... but I do not think you get to be uncertain and unsure and torture her with your frustrations. If you cannot accept her, fine. Man up and step back.

It might be as simple as her drive is high and she made some potentially questionable decisions.

Personally, id worry less about her past and focus more on your relationship. How are things in the bedroom? How does her drive match yours? Are you satisfied? Is she? Have you talked about your desires? Her needs? etc...

Sorry... I'm not wearing my "kid gloves" but I think there's a point when a person needs to accept that the things done in anothers past might shape who they are, even explain how they act, but it isn't all there is about them... and if I'm to be held accountable for the dumb decisions I made in the past... if there is no forgiveness or acceptance... then I'm a lost cause.

So... for all the noise of the past... she still found a way to love you.

Can you do the same for her?

I agree with the advice that he should move on if he can't handle the situation.

I disagree with the notion that she cannot be held accountable for her actions prior to meeting him.

I agree with the advice that he should move on if he can't handle the situation.

I disagree with the notion that she cannot be held accountable for her actions prior to meeting him.

So it's acceptable to you to be in a relationship, where baggage is held over someone's head?

How can she be held accountable to her past? Why should he have the right to do that? Especially for someone he likes.

Hopefully she has been tested, as there are consequences of her actions that should be addressed, but no I don't agree that any person has the right to hold their new significants accountable for their baggage.

Should I be held accountable then for bringing two children into a new relationship? Would it then be right that my partner although accepted them, held only me accountable for them? Would I want to date someone who felt that way about my baggage?

Baggage makes us who we are, so if you like that person, some thanks goes directly into their life experiences.

I agree with the advice that he should move on if he can't handle the situation.

I disagree with the notion that she cannot be held accountable for her actions prior to meeting him.

Hmmm... I think its hard for me to explain my position... I do not believe being accountable and "accepting the past" are the same thing.

A persons past is worth understanding and knowing. What is the "magic" number when a person becomes a "slut"... I'm just not going to try to derive that formula.

How long should you know someone before you sleep with them?

Well, the OP seemed fine with her sleeping with him (AND HIS SLEEPING WITH HER) on the first date until suddenly she did it with others. I think that's a little hypocritical.

So... yes... it helps to know a persons past for a number of reasons.. fine... he is at the "accept" or "walk" stage... and I think its perfectly OK for him to accept her past or to understand that it is an issue...

A person can be "held accountable" and still loved. Or not.

His decision.

Here is another thing. Her parents were devorced when she was 10 because her dad cheated on her mom. She told me that she has never cheated on anyone as she saw what happened to her family.

Her last boyfriend cheated on her. When she found that out from someone else the following day. She couldn't stop crying. It was so bad that her mom had to bring her to the hospital so they could drug her to ease her to stop crying.

Her last boyfriend treated her like crap but she still dated him for 1.5 year. Apperantly her ex freaked out when she told him her past, too. But then after she broke up with him, she went again to slept with 2 random guys before me.

Now do u think base on that her dad and her ex cheated would make her a cheater or it would make her hate cheating. I was thinking that what her dad did might have changed her a lot on her sexual past.

You need out of this relationship.

Her past makes her who she is, if that is who you love, then stop analyzing her and waiting for a ball to drop.

She is 19 years old and you are putting way too much pressure out there for such a young relationship.

ACCEPT HER or WALK AWAY, don't analyze all of her faults.

"More mystery, Less history" is something people should learn in new relationships.
However, in your case, I think it's good you know upfront her character, her impulsivity, and that she makes bad decisions. What you have to consider here is that not only will history likely repeat itself but your health may be at risk if you stay with someone like her! Its not like she grew up and changed by the time you met her- she was just as careless and impulsive with you, right?

That is what I was trying to say Justy.

In my own words.

Accept her for who she is or leave. It is really simple, but your making it a lot harder then it should be.

Joe

Well my dad cheated on my mother and I've never cheated on another person, ever.

So you are with a girl who has never cheated, but who engages in sex more casually more than you'd prefer... including with you.

And she chose to stay with a jerk who treated her like crap. And then slept with others. And then you.

Look... she might have some issues to work with and if you are not the man to be there for her, with her, fine. Its OK.

Dear Lord... I hope to God nobody ever said of me "hmmm... his mother was cheated on after ten years of marriage, and she got pregnant with him when she was 16 so she was clearly a slut even tho' she was an A student. i just wish i knew how many people his mother slept with before so i could decide if i can be with him"...

This girl might not be right for you.

F I N E.

You seen to be spending more time analyzing and disecting her past than enjoying who she is today...

And if she writes in here, with her side of the story, I will tell her that if her boyfriend cannot let this go, cannot see her for who she is, then she should dump him to the curb.

Look... every woman I have ever loved deeply has cheated on me. It sucks. I don't take infidelity lightly. And then, I'm attracted to naughty girls, it would seem. Or my "picker" is broken.

But whatever decisions I make, I own.

If your panties are all tied in knots... step back. At least a little. Take some time.

If you aren't willing to risk losing her while you find your bearings... well... what the hell do you want? Her to wait around while you decide if she is worthy of you?

IT IS OK if you cannot be with her because of her past. Really. Its OK.

But id suggest you own some of the "blame" here... not just guilt her into feeling like scum of the earth. I'm guessing she dated you thinking you might be a good man, and even a person with a jaded past deserves some love... I think.

Well I know it's hard to get over things like this I had the same thing happen to me... well the honist truth is if you look at her now do you think that she is the kind of person who would cheat on u? If you put her past aside do you think that she is?
And also why are you asking other people this? You are the only one who can answere this question

But I can give you one answere and that is that you don't need to forget about the past just reamember it and look at the present and now do you love her anough to be with her?

After we slept together on our first date. She told me she had slept with roughly 10 guys. She was shocked that I had only been with 2 girls. She was so worried that I wouldn't want to see her again. I even asked her a month later that what if I only wanted one night stand with you. She said I was different than most guys. And she knew I wanted more than just one night stands. She said if I didn't want to see her again after that first date, then she would feel stupid and had to accept it.

On that first date. I didn't care about the guys that she had been with because I had no feelings for her. But now its been almost 4 months that we have been together. I have really strong feelings for her. I wouldn't say that I love her because love is a strong word that I wouldn't use lightly. It's hard to just step out of the relationship at this stage.

I am willing to stay depressed until I get over this. The only problem is I am going to be gone for a month at the end of May. During this month that we are going to be apart. I am not going to able to concentrate on my army course/work because I would just keep thinking of her. She even told me that she will be studying at home for her course so she can be a nurse soon and she won't be seeing anyone. I don't want to break both our hearts to step out of the relationship. I am so lost right now.

Justwantfair - Only in a perfect world would we all be able to accept everyone's fault's and enter into a relationship reserving judgement. Your example of having children and entering a relationship is not quite the same thing as having many partner's at such a young age and viewing sex as no big deal.

He has a right to know what he is getting into, he's not holding this over her head, and I do believe that she should be held accountable forher decision making in the past. IF he leaves her than that would be her being held accountable for her actions and I do not see anything wrong with his decision to do that. A person refusing to entertain a relationship with you based on you having children would be a different matter and one in which I would not agree with.

People can say the past is none of his business but that would be unfair to him, he should know whom it is he is dating and loving for that matter.

Please... don't be a martyr who is "willing to be depressed" and who isn't going to be able to concentrate on your work because of her, and who isn't willing to be the bad guy who breaks hearts.

That's passive aggressive BS.

I'm losing patience.

So the only way to be "held accountable" is to punish?

For whatever reason, if a relatively "new" relationship is already creating this much angst and anxiety, let that be your guide. This is not about judging someone's past, it's about how another person makes you feel and the things you are feeling are negative and weighing you down. Sometimes things are just not a 'good fit' and you have to cut bait when you realize it and as you get older, whether it be a job, a bad friendship or someone you are dating- hopefully you'll learn to do this without sinking yourself into a pit and punishing the other person.

I am willing to stay depressed until I get over this. The only problem is I am going to be gone for a month at the end of May. During this month that we are going to be apart. I am not going to able to concentrate on my army course/work because I would just keep thinking of her. She even told me that she will be studying at home for her course so she can be a nurse soon and she won't be seeing anyone. I don't wanna break both our hearts to step out of the relationship. I am so lost right now.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel that I cannot see? What are you holding on to? Have you made any progress lately?

If you are so confused about your feelings for her, you need to spend some time apart from her. You need to sort out your emotions and feelings first before continuing with her.

Why torture yourself? Relationships aren't suppose to be so sad and depressing.

A LOT of truth here.

Tried to give another "agree" rating but I hafta spread it around first.


For whatever reason, if a relatively "new" relationship is already creating this much angst and anxiety, let that be your guide. This is not about judging someone's past, it's about how another person makes you feel and the things you are feeling are negative and weighing you down. Sometimes things are just not a 'good fit' and you have to cut bait when you realize it and as you get older, whether it be a job, a bad friendship or someone you are dating- hopefully you'll learn to do this without sinking yourself into a pit and punishing the other person.

KP - Is that comment directed at me?

If so, he'd break up with her because he cannot handle the information or the thought of what she has done. Him leaving would not be to hurt her as a punishment for her actions.

He likes her, he see's something in her, he just can't handle the stress. Same like me, I liked my ex, I saw something in her, I was disgusted at her behaviour prior to meeting me, it ended, hope she changed her ways and a better guy came along.

I know you guys are thinking that's impossible:)

She was young, made some immature decisions about her body. Maybe she suffers from low self esteem. I think that the fact that she made some less then honorable decisions in her youth, should not be held over her head, just because he made the right choices.

Sounds like there are two different agendas here and the fact that she was upfront and you continued the relationship only to now be upset because you have feelings, sounds more like jealousy of her experience or fear that she is mentally measuring you against her past.

Walk away, this isn't fair for someone you love to feel this way about her.

Justwantfair - Only in a perfect world would we all be able to accept everyone's fault's and enter into a relationship reserving judgement. Your example of having children and entering a relationship is not quite the same thing as having many partner's at such a young age and viewing sex as no big deal.

He has a right to know what he is getting into, he's not holding this over her head, and I do beleive that she should be held accountable forher decision making in the past. IF he leaves her than that would be her being held accountable for her actions and I do not see anything wrong with his decision to do that. A person refusing to entertain a relationship with you based on you having children would be a different matter and one in which I would not agree with.

People can say the past is none of his business but that would be unfair to him, he should know whom it is he is dating and loving for that matter.

He has known since day one 'what he was getting into', it didn't bother him then.

I don't really think that because she has had more partners then him that she believe sex is no big deal. We all make mistakes in judgement when we are younger. He has to accept it or move on. He is choosing not to accept it, she is owed that respect.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I am accountable now for all of my errors of the past.

Be judged for who you are, not where you have been, as that is what makes you who you are.

Justwantfair - He stated he did not have such strong feeling for her in the beginning and also that he found out about the past after they began dating.

I agree with much you say although I cannot come to accept that these error's should be easily dismissed.

Very true that we should not be subjected to scrutiny over past mistakes, however, some issues are more alarming than others. I could not just wipe the past clean if this information was revealed. If she kissed a boy or got drunk one night and acted a fool I'd agree with you, she did much more and the underlining reasons for that could be serious one's.

To a guy (some), their girlfriend is everything, a reflection of themselves and in some cases their worth. This girl either treats sex as a fun thing to do whislt bored or she may very well have self-worth issues. Whatever the reason, she was the one who chose to do it and I don't think she can expect everyone she meets to dismiss what she has done under the protection of love and caring.

Other than the above I agree that this will not work out and that he should leave before it gets worse.

Justwantfair - He stated he did not have such strong feeling for her in the beginning and also that he found out about the past after they began dating.


After we slept together on our first date. She told me she had slept with roughly 10 guys. She was shocked that I had only been with 2 girls. She was so worried that I wouldn't want to see her again. I even asked her a month later that what if I only wanted one night stand with you.


I agree with much you say although I cannot come to accept that these error's should be easily dismissed.

Very true that we should not be subjected to scrutiny over past mistakes, however, some issues are more alarming than others. I could not just wipe the past clean if this information was revealed. If she kissed a boy or got drunk one night and acted a fool I'd agree with you, she did much more and the underlining reasons for that could be serious one's.

To a guy (some), their girlfriend is everything, a reflection of themselves and in some cases their worth. This girl either treats sex as a fun thing to do whislt bored or she may very well have self-worth issues. Whatever the reason, she was the one who chose to do it and I don't think she can expect everyone she meets to dismiss what she has done under the protection of love and caring.

Other than the above I agree that this will not work out and that he should leave before it gets worse.

I can understand what you are saying, but given the age, I just find it a tad more forgivable.

That said I think that he feelings changed and now he wants to hold it over her head and that isn't fair to her.

Happy to disagree about portions, even happier to agree this relationship won't make it past this.

KP - Is that comment directed at me?

Yeah and no...

I'm honestly trying to talk this through and not have it be "im right/youre wrong"... if I wasn't middle ground here, itd be easier. I like to play out the argument until I can't get any further... I am trying to push some, but not trying to irritate. Honestly, I think you are more "right"... in that if he is so uncertain, its best to cut ties and let both sides recover and regroup sooner than later.

It was in response to your post. Not so much at you... Lord knows I'm not going to tell someone what is right for them. Barely know what's right for me most of the time.

But even in this post, you don't seem to give the possibility of reconciliation. Of finding peace after struggling through some noise. That's not completely true... but I think maybe I think it can be overcome easier than you might...

But that's the problem, isn't it? The unknown... I struggled through a tortuous end of a long term relationship, and vowed to not do that again... to cut ties much sooner... and I generally have since... so I guess my actions aren't much different than what you went through and what your conclusion has become.

Better sooner than later, if it is to happen?


KP - Is that comment directed at me?

If so, he'd break up with her because he cannot handle the information or the thought of what she has done. Him leaving would not be to hurt her as a punishment for her actions.

He likes her, he see's something in her, he just can't handle the stress. Same like me, I liked my ex, i saw something in her, I was disgusted at her behaviour prior to meeting me, it ended, hope she changed her ways and a better guy came along.

I know you guys are thinking that's impossible:)

Well put KP, I appreciate your input and enjoy reading your posts.

I do tend to have a more bleak outlook in situations like this due to personal experience. I marvel at people who can put stuff like this in the rearview mirror, I am not so forunate and that may very well be a flaw on my part depending on the reader.

It's funny, reading this all back I agree with much of what everyone says, guess I'm looking for an argument. ANOTHER FLAW of mine? Geez, I sure hope my next girl isn't one of those people that hold's you accountable for...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/nursing/dont-know-what-do-303919.html
This is when you first dated and she told you everything.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/gf-broke-our-hearts-dont-know-what-do-288335.html
This is your break up and that's when you had a chance to make a decision

I personally think its really being a hypocrite to hold someone's past against them while your banging away with them.

If she is good enough to screw, and profess love to then you better get over yourself, because its real simple the way I see it. If you can't handle who she is, what the freak are you doing leading her on and pretending its all good and enjoying the loving'

I know, you said you talk to her, and that's BS. You mentioned it, but did nothing but go along with the program.

Grow up, and be an adult, and stop acting like a kid in a candy store, who has a belly is aching, but can't stop licking the lollipop.

Its not about what someone did yesterday, but what you do today. Deal with your issues, and not put them on her. Not fair.

Back at you BMI.

All things considered, I'm probably too forgiving and willing to make things work... not at all costs, but perhaps more than needed.