I have been in a relationship for 4 years with the same girl. In the past year we have been having some major problems, normally over dumb sh*t. Most of the problems started when we were at a party about 2 years ago and she got really sh*t faced drunk and was a complete and total idiot **** and fool. Saying everything mean and derogatory in the book to me, getting physical with me as well, trying to attempt to drive her car home, I took the keys and called her parents to come get her, she was out of control, I had witnesses as well. So I told her I did not want to see her anymore after that(mainly because she said things to me that my ex said whom was a dominatrix and stripper. She was really mean when she drank.) My current girlfriend was not this way to me until this night. So we did not talk for a while and I ended up sleeping with another girl when I was drunk. I felt bad about it and decided not to see the girl or talk to her again. Though we had spoke during the week and she sent me some pictures on my phone. A week or 2 later my girlfriend showed up at my place and begged to be back with me, told me she would stop drinking and all that. So I decided OK. Well I never emptied my phone and she found the pictures and asked if I slept with her and I said no. I knew I had done wrong and was punishing myself as it was over it. We left it at that. Time went on and things were fine, though she still acted distant toward me after that, I can understand why. I then started to see a pattern of her drinking, she continued too drink and about 4-5 more times it was the same situation of her acting like a complete **** to me. I did not break up with her all those times and sleep with 4-5 more chicks. I just let things calm down. I do recall one time I was driving and she was this drunk and she hit me in the face because I kept telling her to shut up so I could drive, and she was opening the door on the freeway saying she was going to jump out, I slammed on the brakes and told her fine then get out. Of course she did not. Anyway long story short she says she is in love with me. She has not acted this way for a while. Everything was fine, then she sporadically needs breaks every few months. So most the time I call her on her sh*t and tell her if you want to just break up with me then tell me, do not lead me on etc... She says she just needs a break and I always tell her that usually a break means breaking up. Which is usually the case correct? I mean if you are in love with someone would you not want to spend as much time with them as you can here on this earth? I understand the break here and there and doing your own thing, but a forced break that is only one sided?? Anyway so we are going through this at this point, although she still comes and hangs out and we F&** and she stays or I stay at her place(we both live with our parents.) She tells me we are not boyfriend and girlfriend and we are not having a romantic relationship, though this is leading me on to sleep with me I would think. I am also the 2nd person she has been with sexually. I have noticed our sex life had turned to sh*t for a while as well, she would say she did not want to sleep with me because of my job, even though I am lucky to have a job in this economy, and I also look for a new job daily though I am not having luck. After having a little break the sex is great and she is ready to have sex more often, though we are not together. I originally broke up with her because I was tired of our relationship and the way it was heading. Now when I tell her I want to be with her she holds that against me saying I broke up with her. Is this mind games or what? Am I wasting my time? I do love her and we have minute problems compared to what others do. I did notice she is messaging other guys on myspace and she claims it is in my interest because of the jobs they do. I think that is BULL**** then again I know she would not go be with someone else. So all of this is confusing. My emotions are going crazy, and I am not sure why or what the deal is. Is it because I feel guilty for sleeping with that girl and it is secretly destroying us? I don't think it is that. Her parents also have a lot of say in things I have noticed. I am just extremely confused, at one side I feel like I screwed up and I need to repair everything and that I am lucky to have her, and at another side I feel like I am making my decision of being with her. I do not want to make a decision I will regret. We both have decided we want to work things out, but its not working 100% of the time right now, I do not expect it to, but the past gets brought up about miscellaneous things, and that is not our intentions. Part of her reasoning behind not getting back together is that she says she does not want to just pretend nothing happened and keep going through the cycle of breaking up and fighting and breaking up and fighting etc... Who does? I need some advice on fixing these situations. Now this is just the tip of the iceberg, there are more details but I do not want to run up a book quite yet.

I tried to pick certain points and things that have happened. Though there are a lot of reasoning's of why things happened that I left out because I did not want to go into detail and write a BOOK.

And thank you in advance.

I would think after 4 years you would have a solid foundation of communications in place, but obviously you don't.

Since neither of you knows what to do, then you find someone who can talk to you both, and see if any of this can be salvaged, or helped. If not, time to separate.




I mean if you are in love with someone would you not want to spend as much time with them as you can here on this earth?

Sounds good on paper, but a drunk partner brings you down, and until she gets a handle on her problems, your wasting your time.

You need to recognize this, as it will always be a wedge between you, until SHE does something about it.

Something's you cannot fix by yourself.

This is WAY too much baggage, this seriously sounds like a sorority girl who likes to drink too much and can't control it. I wouldn't be taking it and honestly don't know why you do to begin with.

You can't communicate with her, she doesn't care about your feelings. Why don't you grow a set and walk away from this abusive relationship, and in a hurry.

This girl sounds like she needs a lot of help. I don't know how old the two of you are but a lot can change between people in that amount of time, especially if you guys got together around the time of high school or somewhere in that time frame. I would personally not put up with this anymore.

And on a side note, you shouldn't have lied about sleeping with the girl. I think you realize that now because now you wonder if it's the guilt that's getting to you, but in your defense, you were on a break. If you're not together, then that isn't cheating... in my opinion. I hope that you get things worked out. (edit- whether that be leaving her or whatever)

Thank you for the replies and advice. It really puts things in perspective, and you know its funny when I try to tell her something how I feel or what she had done wrong, she turns it around and says that I am being a victim. She also now has begun this whole new manipulator trip in the past week. She calls me a manipulator every time I try to speak to her. I have left her twice from restaurants in the past month because of her attitude, it usually happens around the time we pay. We went out on a Saturday after she worked all day and hung out till around 10, then she said she was just going to go home and go to bed, which upset me because prior we had plans that I would stay the night, she then acted like we did not have plans. Also not to mention I wanted to get laid, and was flirting with her during dinner and such. She just always wants to go home and go to bed anymore. When we first started hanging out we would stay up and F' like rabbits, it was fantastic. Now I practically have to figure a way out to get her to F' me. It just sucks. She also likes to tell me that is all I want in our relationship is just to F' her all the time. I say yeah I do but hat is not all I want. I mean seriously 4 years with the same girl does that sound like I just want to F' and that is all I want? What makes no sense to me is that I do not see a problem with wanting and if a partner wants to have sex everyday, even more than once. I would think that great relationship is that yearning desire for each other that is the balance of love and lust. At this point we are not speaking. She says she wants to fix our relationship and she does not want to just be friends, I asked her straight out, as I am usually straight forward about things.

Sorry, but I think that the whole thing is broken.

No communication.
No understanding.
No fun.
No sex.

Your GF seems to be unstable and is potentially exhibiting signs of a personality disorder or addiction to alcohol. She needs to fix herself before the relationship can be fixed - and sadly, you can't do this for her. I agree with other posters, it sounds as if she needs professional help.

Ask yourself why you want to stay, when it sounds as if the relationship gives you no happiness or pleasure:

What do you get out of it?
What does she have that holds you there?

Then ask yourself what do you really want from a relationship - if the current one doesn't match up, then you need to make a choice.

Relationships should make you feel good and inspire you, not make you feel demeaned, anxious and abused.

You know it's odd you mention personality disorder. Ever since she started her job which was about 2 years ago also around the same time things started going down hill, she has been having some serious breakdowns at work, like really major ones where she is sent home. Also her boss has some issues of her own and feeds her xanax and other meds. She had taken these meds a couple times at first thinking they would help her out, eventually she had an anxiety attack on them and stopped taking them, at least from what I know of. I have thought about this before, is it possible her boss could have something to do with things at work that affect her outside of work? I am by no means trying to blame some one else for our problems, though I am curious if this is at all possible. Could her boss have that much of an influence over her? My GF recently started acupuncture and taking some herbs to help her. Not sure what those are. The reason I want to stay with her is because when we first started dating she was different than all the other girls, she did not care about money or any things like that. She really was in love with me and would do anything for me, eventually everything just went to after 2 years.

I can't answer if problems at work are making her act the way she does.

What I do know, is that if she's having breakdowns at work where she needs to be sent home - then she needs to urgently see a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist.

Taking medication that someone just 'gives' you is a recipe for disaster and potential psychosis.

She MUST get professional counselling - not herbs and acupuncture - these can assist, but won't get to the core of the problem.