I really shouldn't be talking about this and I know I am not perfect by any means but, my husband and I got in a really heated discussion last night that ended up an argument, I was so mad and hurt I slapped him. It was provoked by me and I probably deserved it... usually I walk away but the kids where not home (I never argue in front of them - I know the emotional destructiveness this is for my children as I grew up in an abusive house hold and alcoholism) and I just got so sick of stuff being said and done. He threw me on the tile and kicked me numerous times in the ribs and head and he choked me out on my neck by pressing his foot down on it. I have old back injuries that feel like they came back and bruises all over my arms, legs, ribs and the top of the nose (between the eyes) where he punched me... not broken. He has done this to me while we where first married and I called the police... he was charged. I didn't want to call the police last night because honestly. I don't want social services involved. My kids are by no means neglected or abused (emotionally, physically or otherwise) because I know the effects in adulthood and I am still in an emotionally abusive relationship with my parents. He has maintained so much control over my social life that I honestly have three friends... only thing is I am there for them and they are not there for me. I have always been self-reliant and self-sufficient; emotionally stubborn and the ability to get up, dust myself off and walk - we where taught to fight for survival and survive in the hardest of circumstances. I am scared of the future of everything. Everything about him is great except for his raging temper... usually he takes it out on the house... I woke up to the coffee table across the house, glass smashed up, downstairs in the basement he broke everything. I don't want to be my mother... we have been through so much crap in our marriage... I don't know if there is anything worth fighting for? I slept in my daughters room last night... I think I might for a while, he needs help and I need help because I am tired of making up excuses. He cleaned everything this morning but it doesn't help how I feel... we have not said a word to each other today... is there anything to say?

This is not okay, you know that.

Have you ever tried counselling, separately and together? How often does this happen?

It is never right for one partner to abuse the other. I think that deep down you know that you have to get yourself and your kids out of this house, away from this man.

He needs help, but there's nothing that you can do, it's up to him, up to professionals, and the choice has to be his otherwise it won't work.

Please, find a way out of this, it will only get worse. Once a man crosses that line and hits his wife, it usually escalates, rarely does he stop on his own.

You don't deserve to live in fear.

I wish I had better advice, I wish I had a quick fix but I don't. I just know that you need to get out and now!

We're here for you, we'll do our best to help, even if it's just to listen.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Oh my goodness hun. You really need to get out of that relationship. I know what it is like because I've been there too. But eve you slapping him gives him no right to do what he did to you. He is a man. Only cowards hit girls. That means he can't stand up before a man and fight. He can only fight the weaker sex. I know deep down you love him, but next time could be the end of your life. Just a simple punch could kill you. He could hit or kick you somewhere on your body that could end your life. Please get out of there. Think of your precious kids. They are the reason to live and be happy. They will be so much happier with just you. One thing a kid loves to see is their mother smile. You can do it!! I know you can. My prays are with you.

I feel so distorted today, my body feels like it went through a meat grinder and my heart is breaking. He hasn't said one word to me. He said to me last night "you deserve it, you slapped me, what? you can dish it out but you can't take it?" But I just slapped him and told him that it was over and I wanted out if situations and circumstances didn't change and that we needed help. I still remember him kicking me over and over when I was down on the tile, the goose eggs on my head... I thought when he choked me with his foot... that this was it and I did think about my kids. I am so scared... how am I going to do this with two kids on my own? I have been breaking down all morning, dreading to pick up my kids and bring them home.

In the first two years of my marriage this was a weekly thing and after he pushed me when I was pregnant with my first, I began spotting - that was it! I called the police and charged him... we lived with family for a very long time so someone would have intervened but now we are alone and have been for almost a year. He hasn't hit me or choked me in over 2 years.

If he does this to me above and beyond my already other personal marriage problems posted on this site... he doesn't love me; he hates me right?

He puts on a good face to everyone and makes me look like "the bad guy"... he has destroyed a lot of my personal relationships even with family. Who is going to believe me?

April, you know that this isn't going to get better, in fact, I'm sure that now that he's broken the 2 year mark and hit you, he'll continue.

He won't change unless he wants to, and it seems like he doesn't want to.

It will be hard being on your own with two kids, but it's not impossible. You need to get out because the next time may very well be the last.

There are woman's shelters, other places you can turn to to get help. We're here for moral help but sweetie, the hard part is up to you and only you.

I can imagine that you feel very defeated right now, very weepy, at a crossroads in your life, but it's time to do what's best for you and your kids.

You said that you grew up in an abusive home, trust me, even if you two don't fight in front of the kids, they know.

Really, get out, get safe, get your life back on track. You only have one shot at life, don't waste it with this man, he won't change, ever!

Abusers are good at making themselves look like the good guy. You have done nothing wrong at all! So what you slapped him, that does not give him the reason to beat you like he did. To answer your question, no, he doesn't hate you. He is just trying to control you. He knows you love him and would do whatever you can for him. He doesn't think you will leave, so when you told him it was over, he got scared and reacted the only way he knows how. And that was to hurt you. He knows you are too scared to leave him. When I finally got away from my ex. He told people that I used to hit him and he would push me in self defense. He would tell people that I cheated on him... etc... The stuff he did to me, he would turn around and say that I did it to him. They are good con-artists. If anyone would believe him, they are just as stupid as he is. I wish I could meet you and just give you a hug. Believe me when I say this, but reading what you posted brought me to tears because I see myself. What I went through is exactly what I am reading from you. I feel like you are my twin going through the same hell. Hold your chin up high and get out of there. Or at least wait until he goes to work and just grab what you can and get you and the kids out of there. Go back later with the police to get the rest of your things. Do not let anyone tell him where you are. There are many organizations out there in your community that will help you. If you have no where to go, they will provide you and the kids with temporary shelter until you get on your feet. I will even help you with getting ahold of places in your area. I probably live far from you, I'm in PA. But I can surely look up things for you. God bless you.

You poor thing! Where are your kids now? I hope you don't go back when you go pick up your kids. You should pack some things and go get the kids and don't go back home till you know he won't be there. There are woman's protective shelters you could go to if you have no where else to go. Please don't stay there with him. Even if you slapped your husband as hard as you could he had no right to attack you or even slap you back as hard as he can because he is so much bigger and stronger than you! Men who beat their wives don't stop without help and usually get worse with time. He could kill you next time. Please leave. Don't go back till you have someone who can go with you to get more of your things or things for the kids.

There is help out there and you need it! The next time,you may not be so lucky.

I am a survivor of domestic violence and as long as you are there in the home,a repeat episode is inevitable.

Please click on this link I am providing and you will be able to access a domestic violence shelter in your area.

You can obtain counseling through them and also have a safe place to stay with your children.They will not force you to press charges or make you do anything you do not want to do regarding your abuse.

My friend,you have to make the hardest decision ever but I implore you to make the call.Change your life.

No matter how well you protect your children,they will be affected by your abuse.A broken Mom is not what you want for your children.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.ndvh.org/)

Sunflowers and Artlady. I couldn't agree with you more. She needs to get out of there pronto. It sounds like all of us have been through that hell. I don't care where anyone lives or where they are from, I will do my best to help them. One thing no one should go through is abuse! Especially when children are involved. All the kids want is to see Mom happy. Please XOXOAprilWine, get out of there. We are here to help you. Our prayers are with you and the children and we are here to talk to you and do whatever we can to help you in this situation. They are right honey, it isn't going to get better. It will only get worse. Those kids need their mom. Please, live a happy life with your babies.

xoxaprilwine agrees: I am calling the number now. Thank you.
Good for you sweetheart,stay strong!

I really hope you leave and use the link Artlady provided. They help and will even come to pick you up and they will make sure charges are press against your husband.

I feel so sad for you and my heart goes out to you. This so called man beat you like a stranger in the street and could have killed you.

I hate to admit this but I slapped my fiancé twice but he didn't hit me back. Instead he got up and left and came back when things heated down. He onced told me he continuously walked around the block for over 30. I know our nosy neighbors probably thought he was crazy.

I hope you come back and hope you stay strong and do what is right for you and your kids. The right thing for you to do is leave. Keep us posted.

XOXOXO
Liz

I left and am with family right now so I can pick the pieces up. He pleaded for me to stay and went on his knee's saying he can change and that me and the kids is his entire world. I told him that I needed time away and he needs help. He said that he would go to the AA for his Addiction, Anger Management, Parental Class and attend Marriage Counseling... he said "if I have to do it all afternoon I will". He didn't even realize that he stomped on me and kicked me when I was down, nor does he remember punching me (actually it was almost as if he was denying it)... I have welts all over my head and body ;I showed him and said goodbye. I had family with me escorting me out; they saw everything. I am not going back until I see certificates from all these places, I don't know... it's hard to just pick up and leave the house and everything but I will stay here until I can truly figure things out. I can't believe this... I take cold showers just so that the welts don't swell and my back is so sore. I never thought it would get this bad. He doesn't do this all the time but what's going to happen next time even if it is in three years from now? I could be dead or suffer some serious injuries. I won't go back, I just can't see how you can hurt someone so bad, someone you love, trust, spent 10 years with... has your children. I could never... so I told his family and my family what was going on so we both get support... him for attending classes if he doesn't at least try to change then I am by no means going back.

I am so glad to hear that you got out of there. It sounds like he blacked out when he was attacking you. That's what my ex used to do. Thank the lord you are OK!! He will call you and beg you ever chance he can. Just stay strong and don't give in. Like you said, wait to see the certificates and stuff before you think of talking to him. It is true about an abuser always being an abuser. Just be careful, keep your guard up. Please keep us updated on how things are going. We want to hear from you from time to time. God bless you.

I glad you left and that alone took a lot of courage because some females stay instead of leaving.

Take pictures for prove of your injuries in case you need it in the future. Did you get check out by a doctor yet? If not, I think you should asap.

Stay strong and again I am glad you left.

I left and am with family right now so I can pick the pieces up. He pleaded for me to stay and went on his knee's saying he can change and that me and the kids is his entire world. I told him that I needed time away and he needs help. He said that he would go to the AA for his Addiction, Anger Management, Parental Class and attend Marriage Counseling...he said "if I have to do it all afternoon I will". He didn't even realize that he stomped on me and kicked me when I was down, nor does he remember punching me (actually it was almost as if he was denying it)...I have welts all over my head and body ;I showed him and said goodbye. I had family with me escorting me out; they saw everything. I am not going back until I see certificates from all these places, I don't know...it's hard to just pick up and leave the house and everything but I will stay here until I can truly figure things out. I can't believe this...I take cold showers just so that the welts don't swell and my back is so sore. I never thought it would get this bad. He doesn't do this all the time but what's going to happen next time even if it is in three years from now? I could be dead or suffer some serious injuries. I won't go back, I just can't see how you can hurt someone so bad, someone you love, trust, spent 10 years with...has your children. I could never...so I told his family and my family what was going on so we both get support...him for attending classes if he doesn't at least try to change then I am by no means going back.

I am so glad you found the courage to take that first step.
I understand how easy it is to get beat down and feel like nothing is going to change.So you just take it and hope it's the last time.

I put up with abuse for 13 years.Sober he was the nicest guy,drunk ,he was horrible and hospitalized me so many times.

Went to jail,it got better,happened again. The cycle didn't stop until I went to counseling and began to understand my reason for staying in the relationship.

I know he needs help but you do as well,to help you understand the dynamics of domestic violence.

If he is doing these things to you in a blackout,you are lucky to be alive today.You had an angel with you this time.

I wish you the very best and please know we are here for you.
Many Blessings.. Michele

After the last couple of days of sobbing and being depressed & violated; I am starting to see everything clearly. He has serious problems, I am trying to envision his rage of five minutes on me... how can you punch and push the one you love down then kick relentlessly in the legs and ribs then stomp on the head three times, choke me out with his foot? I remember my body going numb and my vision going white... all I had was my thoughts. I lost consciousness and lost control of my bladder... I was almost dead. Something made him stop and continue his rage in the basement... my angels where there. Then what about my children? Would he make it look like a break and enter? Would he absolve from his responsibility? Yes he would. He knew there would be consequences for his actions so he stopped, if there was no jail time; I think I would be dead. We have had a lot of marital problems as you know and my sister thinks its because of his addiction since we lack in emotional and physical intimacy... I won't get into it. Yes I am getting help, I don't know if I can ever trust him; he isn't just abusive but to go for the vitals (which is not the first time) and take the air out of my lungs. I trusted him with my life and now I am safer walking down a dark alley then in my own home.

Artlady, are you still with your husband? Did he get help? Did the counseling help him as it helped you?

You slapping him merits a slap in return (if not just a walk away and talk about it later) not an all out beat fest. He was WRONG. And you need to get OUT of this relationship right away. It doesn't matter how long he has been nice, what you do, or if he promises it will never happen again. Once a man has shown this kind of behavior, he is showing his TRUE side and this will never stop.

Jenniepepsi is right! He will never, ever change. You did the right thing on getting out of there. Please don't go back, because maybe one day he will turn on your children. I am proud of you! Stay strong!

I am so glad you found the courage to take that first step.
I understand how easy it is to get beat down and feel like nothing is going to change.So you just take it and hope its the last time.

I put up with abuse for 13 years.Sober he was the nicest guy,drunk ,he was horrible and hospitalized me so many times.

Went to jail,it got better,happened again. The cycle didn't stop until I went to counseling and began to understand my reason for staying in the relationship.

I know he needs help but you do as well,to help you understand the dynamics of domestic violence.

If he is doing these things to you in a blackout,you are lucky to be alive today.You had an angel with you this time.

I wish you the very best and please know we are here for you.
Many Blessings ..Michele


Arty I am glad you are a survivor and thanks for sharing your experience with us :)
Your experience is encouraging more women than you may ever get to know

Tried to give you a greenie but it wouldn't let me

After the last couple of days of sobbing and being depressed & violated; I am starting to see everything clearly. He has serious problems, I am trying to envision his rage of five minutes on me...how can you punch and push the one you love down then kick relentlessly in the legs and ribs then stomp on the head three times, choke me out with his foot? I remember my body going numb and my vision going white...all I had was my thoughts. I lost consciousness and lost control of my bladder...I was almost dead. Something made him stop and continue his rage in the basement...my angels where there. Then what about my children? Would he make it look like a break and enter? Would he absolve from his responsibility? Yes he would. He knew there would be consequences for his actions so he stopped, if there was no jail time; I think I would be dead. We have had a lot of marital problems as you know and my sister thinks its because of his addiction since we lack in emotional and physical intimacy...I won't get into it. Yes I am getting help, I don't know if I can ever trust him; he isn't just abusive but to go for the vitals (which is not the first time) and take the air out of my lungs. I trusted him with my life and now I am safer walking down a dark alley then in my own home.

Artlady, are you still with your husband? Did he get help? Did the counseling help him as it helped you?

When you say you had angels with you ,I could not agree more.You are lucky to be alive.

No dear,I have not been with my abuser in nearly 20 yrs.I was never married to him.He was just a live in boyfriend.He died on the street many years ago,a homeless alcoholic.

He went to classes in jail for abuse but it never lasted long.The abuse only happened when he was drunk,it was the alcoholism that he never could shake.

I was lying on the floor being beaten one night and my son woke up and saw me on the floor ,lying in my own blood and I looked at his face and it was like someone turned a light switch on and I could finally see,through the terror in his eyes ,what I was allowing to happen in our lives.

It was my epiphany!

He went to jail,I went the next day to a woman's shelter and began going to group therapy and individual therapy.

When he got out of jail,every time he was drunk,he was at my door,busting it down.Cops would come ,he would go to jail for violating the order.It was insane.This happened for a good 2 years until I was finally able to move away.

The therapy helped me to understand , what an abuser does,how they think ,the red flags but more important, it helped me to understand why I kept giving in ,my motivations for staying in the relationship.

I do know that some people have success with their relationship if the abuser gets to the bottom of the issue(in this case alcoholism) but you must live separately and the failures are more often the norm.

I hope you do look into therapy for yourself,it was free back then,they did request a donation .A woman who has been battered can and often suffers from post traumatic stress disorder and some of that will never go away.To this day if I see a movie when a woman is getting beat,I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and can't watch.

I sincerely cannot encourage you enough to stay away and get help for yourself,you can't help him.
I wish you the very best ,if you are so inclined,let us know your progress.

Ty arty, fighting back tears,

There is a new thread started that I would like your help on.
Attention! Is Husband Cheating with SISTER!

I rarely tell anyone to leave a relationship, because I think most people (including myself) usually take the easy way out.

Having said that I believe that in the end there are 3 ligitimate reasons for divorce

A-abuse
A-addiction
A-Adultery

I have been in that exact situation and I tried to fix it. But in the end, I did leave. I could not let go of the damage done that day. After I left he got help for his anger, and is medicated, but as long as I stayed he was not willing to deal with it.

On the other hand, I have seen two couples who have made it through this situation together with intense counseling, including therapy groups for him. But if he does not acknowledge how serious it is... it is usually not a one time deal.

Update:

After sometime has gone by I started remembering what actually happened. It isn't what I said... when I woke up that next morning I thought I knew what happened but I was wrong just like I have been about A LOT of things with my relationships "all" relationships - which where failing all around me because I was unhappy with everything and everyone - that is the truth and by far the biggest obstacle I have had yet to face in my new personal development awareness. The kids where gone, we had a few drinks and I drank way too much (because I don't drink in the first place and am mildly allergic). I started telling him off about porn (because I have issues with it and with everyone and everything!! ) and I got in his face, he pushed me away from him and I lost my balance and fell, I actually hit the bottom of one of the stairs... he went in the basement and stayed down there until I got up and made it to bed. I pee when I cough (which keegles has now stopped - gratefully) - I was getting sick in addition to that... I ended up getting strep couple of days after. Which would made sense with the body aches and pains... though falling on the floor at 170 pounds and body not in the best shape. I had foggy headaches, aches and pains, shivers, weakness, really sore throat and restricted chest then later developed fever and coughing... after having to use a pad to stop wetting I went to yoga and worked on keegles because it was the grossest thing to cough and pee.

So, I feel awfully stupid about stirring up all this stuff when my recall was wrong. I am just starting to see things for what they actually are and my thoughts and emotions which guided me into thinking about what I think is going on and what actually is. I feel like crap because I have blown everything out of proportion and I do that a lot... I got fired from my job, I lost good relationships around me and I was so wallowed up in disappointment and suspicion on everything and everyone.

Honestly, your post today does not sound truthful. It sounds like you're making excuses for your hubby's bad behavior. I hope he doesn't, but at some point, he may abuse you again- hopefully, you'll eventually take the advice that was given to you in this thread.

Honestly, your post today does not sound truthful. It sounds like you're making excuses for your hubby's bad behavior. I hope he doesn't, but at some point, he may abuse you again- hopefully, you'll eventually take the advice that was given to you in this thread.

He didn't and he won't. We have been together for 11 years and it wasn't a thing of the past, I honestly thought that it happened because of the physical symptoms but feeling sick the way I did a week after with strep and having actually talked about it... I feel really bad about the accusations I had. Then over the last week after, I did remember correctly that I lost my balance and fell and he ran downstairs and slept on the couch. I will never have another drink - I swear I am allergic because 3 of my family members are. I was sick with strep on the couch and it sucked I have never been this sick and I honestly blame the fact that I had the flu shot earlier this year because I "never" get sick. But, what really hurts is that I blamed him for things that didn't happen. We have been together for a very long time and love each other very much; I just can't believe what I did and how I blamed him. My mom didn't believe it when I told her because they know how he is; who he is and what he does for me - how hard he works to provide for me. We lived with them for 2 years and we barely disagreed (since we are so alike and have a lot of things in common) so fighting was like out of the question. I am not giving excuses... this is a fact; I had to write because I felt stupid about this. Trust me if a man ever hits me I will run... but I am glad that I worked through this because I would have made the mistake. We are working together even though there was a moment we both thought it wouldn't work.