I think my fiance' is cheating, but as we all know, it is so hard to prove!

He started working for a new company 9 months ago and started to become friends with this girl, who apparently is very funny, etc.

They have been out on work do's, but particularly a weekend work do away about a month ago. He came back and was a bit distant and kept telling me all afternoon that he loved me. He has never been the most effectionate person, but doesn't even try and seduce me anymore, just quick kisses and expects it to just happen (if you know what I mean!).

There have been other things, but one in particular is that he works with his best friend who has tried to seduce me! He said that this girl was going to ask me out on a night out (as I don't know anyone), then his best friend said that she was a hypocrite! When I asked why, he just shook his head and said nothing!

There have been many other things, but mainly when he has been really drunk and doesn't remember them the next day.

It makes me feel so inferior and disrespected! It seems his friend knows something and that there is and has been something going on. I can't find a way to ask him without him saying "it's not true"!

What are your thought's? Please help!

All I know is when a woman has that gut instinct... it's usually 97% true. That old gut instinct is built in radar. You wouldn't be here if he probably wasn't cheating sad to say.

Obviously you don't trust him.

Have you met this woman?

You have to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. NO ONE should ever make you feel this way.

You need to sit down with him and completely clear the air. I had to do this and it helps a ton. But, I did break with her - never found the truth - but I thin kshe was - and she called and e-mailed for the next 6 months.

Sit down with him and TALK to him about this.

Even if you can't find proof he is cheating, if you really think he is, despite any evidence, then do NOT marry him.

Typically, your gut feeling is right and your marriage will simply end in a divorce.

Thanks,

The reality is that I don't trust him, but I can't find the courage to talk to him about any of it.

He once said to me that him and his mate had an agreement where they could sleep with each other's girlfriends and I just laughed it off, but I wander! I overheard his mate ask him if he could try and kiss me one night and he said yes! He tried and I backed off! Bastards...

Wish I had the courage.

There are lots of other things, but daren't go into it.

I have met her, but haven't een her since! She used to be a client (he introduced her to me) and he never talks about her anymore!

Here's the thing.

If you cannot trust him now... whether it is warranted or not... you are going to be miserable later unless there is some divine intervention.

My wife is a flirt sometimes. I also trust her, even though every single serious relationship I had prior to her ended with the girl cheating on me (two girls) or lying about breaking up to sleep with someone else (once).

Two weeks ago I was putting some money back in her purse and found some birth control I wasn't expecting. She travels. She's attractive, and I know of at least two guys she has to work with out of town who, by her own words, would be glad to follow her to her room if she offered.

Now... it freaked me out a little at first. It was a birth control that we had not used. But she and I also just took a couple of out of town trips together and the potential was there for some fun. And... she's the responsible one that would plan for that sort of thing more often than me.

So... I'm my case. It rattled me a little... but I know her. She loves being married. She wants to stay married. And even though she flirts some and likes the attention, I just don't have a problem with it. She comes home to me.

If I really didn't think I couldn't trust her, I would go mad. A person who wants to cheat can find a way to do it. And my wife is smart enough that I believe if she really wanted to, she could get away with it and id never know.

I'm just not interested in living like that, and its easy not to because I trusted her from the start.

If your gut tells you that you cannot trust him, you're in trouble. You will feel like he's running around, and he will feel like he's punished for nothing if he's not.

Time for a real heart to heart. Please don't marry him until you can believe that he will be true. I'm not saying don't marry him... I'm saying don't do it if you are not trusting him. Recipe for misery on both sides.

I have argued relentlessly in some of our threads that a guy can be great friends with a woman and not have it sexual. But I'm not an idiot (all the time). I know too often it leads to more than that.

And the friends comments just seem to indicate there might be more.

If you CAN'T talk with him about - well - anoth HUGE RED FLAG!! HUGE!

Seriously - you have zero business marrying this guy if can't talk about all these issues. This is serious.

He controls all the power and gets to d owha the wants because you don't call him on that.

Wow,

Thanks, I am sitting here almost crying after reading your post, as it is so true.

There are so many things that I have heard and seen that just make me not trust him and I suppose I have never trusted him, but because I have a childhood problem, I thought it was that and have tried to just get on with things on a day to day basis.

I have been in counseling, but it always comes back to the fact that its about him, not my issues from my past and what I suspect from what I have seen.

I enjoy flirting, I think we all do, but I would never rub a foot under the table at all let alone under his nose!

I am starting to feel so silly that I have let it go on for so long.

Im sorry to hear about your situation my fellow Aussie (im assuming you are).
This is very sad.
It must be extremely hard to be engaged to someone you don't trust and worst yet can't even summon the courage to talk to him about your problems.
They are two massive deal breakers as far as relationships go. Let alone marrying the guy.

I think you really need to find this courage you say you don't have and talk to him openly and honestly to him about all of this. If he gets defensive and mad and refuses to talk then I think there is your answer. If he can't RESPECT you enough to sit down and listen to your problems then you will be in for a long / or short miserable marriage and he will manipulate and take advantage of you for as long as you allow him to!

Please listen to everyone here and sit down and talk to him about this.

Perhaps you could get some strnegth from talking to a counselor in your area.
A lot of people here suggest that it should be law that couples have marriage concelling before getting married. Now your guy seems like the type of bloke who wouldn't agree to go.

So maybe you go alone and discuss some of these issues with one.

But eventually you are going to need to sit him down and talk. Listen to him as well but also share all your fears.

This must happen before you marry him! Please!!

Sorry, I responded to your first post and didn't read that you had already been to counseling. My honest mistake! Sorry!

Still, you need to try and talk to him.

Maybe a different counselor?

If I'm out with my wife at a bar with some friends, she might go play a game of pool with a friends and flirt with some boys. I've seen them but her drinks and put their hand on the small of her back. Things that would be over the edge for some. But, like I said, I know its going nowhere. I know its casual flirting.

The foot thing, however, would tick me off and id call her on it. That can be very sensual and arousing, and the fact he did this in front of you is disrespectful. Not to mention its energy he's channeling into this other relationship, even if its not going anywhere, when it could be at you instead.

Yes, I'm Aussie!

I don't know why I can't - its like I need to work up the courage with any confrontation!

I am going to now that I have been able to let it out and I know I am not going mad. Who knows! He might even tell me... ha ha!

I am quite willing to listen and understand, etc and not get so upset and walk off.

The problem is, he is such a great guy... but I know in my heart of hearts, something is going on!

If you know in your heart, it is probably happening!!

It happened to me, much like you said, and a few months later the "other" girl was pregnant.

So, trust your intuition. There really is a such thing as "women's intuition."

Sorry, i responded to your first post and didnt read that you had already been to councelling. My honest mistake!! Sorry!

Still, you need to try and talk to him.

Maybe a different councellor??


Don't worry or apologise x

Great guy isn't enough if you want fidelity.

I know a guy who's marriage is absolutely falling apart after a dozen years and repeated attempts by his wife to forgive his intimate transgressions. Outside of being a cheater, he's a pretty good guy. Talented, funny, interesting.

But a lousy husband and sometimes a lousy father because of the chaos he willingly introduces into his kids lives. She's moved them out of their house 2 times in 10 years to separate. She really wanted it to work out. She finally said it was enough.

Again, you don't have proof he's cheating, but if you can't trust him, its just a terrible place to begin a marriage.

If he is cheating on you he isn't a 'great guy'. Really he isn't.
That is a low guy. He has no right to disrespect you like this.
You deserve better.
A great guy is someone who will love you and you only. And want to be sensual only with you.
That's great, and there are lots of them.
This guy isn't great if he is indeed cheating on you. He is a worm that isn't worthy of your love!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to you all for your replies and I hope I haven't accidentally offended anyone, as I was trying to keep track and reply.

I will talk and will let you know how I get on - no matter what happens!

We must have written our responeses at the same time kp2171 and I will clarify.
Yes, you can be a great guy if you have cheated.
But you can't be a great guy for your wife.
So I agree. A great mates of mine who is a great guy has cheated. He is still a great guy but he is a lousy husband!

Your both absolutely right - I need to see past that.

When I look back over things, they're not how I really want them to be!

He doesn't try and seduce me anymore, just quick kisses, etc.

Its funny, as I can give everyone else the best advice in the world, but I can't follow it!

If he is like this now imagine how it will get with years of marriage. Unless something drastically changes it will only get worse for you sadly!

If you know in your heart, it is probably happening!!!

It happened to me, much like you said, and a few months later the "other" girl was pregnant.

So, trust your intuition. There really is a such thing as "women's intuition."

I've only just seen this reply for some reason, I agree that us women have a strong intuition and are right most of the time, so its time to follow mine!

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that x

There is just a thing called intuition, gut instinct. Men have it too I think. I would say your case is a classic example of a partner actively placing doubts into your head. That is not good. Ever. If you sit down and talk to him, explaining how it is making you feel, and if he still does not care, you must move on. I know from my most recent experience. It is not healthy, and it will eventually drive you mad.

No person who loves you, will ACTIVELY PLACE DOUBTS into your head, especially if they deem that it will jeopardize the relationship. NO WAY. It is a true sign as to how important the relationship and YOU are to him.

If there is no communication then it is hard on a relationship to grow. If there is no trust then the doubts will overshadow the relationship. If he is willing to allow his mate to hit on you, how committed can he be. If he is such a great guy why are you having these doubts and not talking about them. Take a step back and look at things for what they are without the sugar coating. Sorry all I see are red flags waving everywhere.

Thanks, I realsie that now - everything else has been sugar coated.

Time to take the sugar off. You need some serious talks here before you ever move forward with this guy. Sounds like he may need to grow up a little.

See my new thread, we talked...