Dear All..
I didn't know where else to turn to.. I hope I can get something... which I don't even know what I want because I am so sad...

I have known my husband for 6 years... we just got married.. its been less than 6 months..

He is my best friend and everything I wanted in a guy.. caring, loving..

When we first started going out he used to say I don't dress enough and he used to go for parties with his friends during college.. and it was true I didn't have clothes like many girls.. I used to think this is not so much to ask.. to dress up nice... but I didn't have money to do that.. his parents saw me and said I wasn't his type... whenever we have fights he used to say the most hurtful things about my family...

After college we still kept in touch everyday... because there were more good days than bad days and I love him... and I knew he was the one I wanted always

I bought new clothes so that when I met him next he was surprised and he was more happy and his parents as well... I feel his family is so superficial..

He used to ask me what I wanted and what can make me so happy.. I used to tell him I want my whole family with me for the wedding.. well before the wedding the problems that were there was enormous.. his parents saying I don't love him enough because I am not marrying him right now and I am making him wait and ( mind you that after we left college we were supposed to meet up and do our studies together and he said he had to go to another country since there was a possibility of him joining his dad in business and he could get enough money so we could start a family, which I didn't think was a good idea... and which he comfortably changed his plans after we left college... and which I was supposed to understand.. I told him it wasn't a good idea and he said I am supposed to be supportive and after that I never mentioned that to him. They left that country since nothing worked out)
My family on the other hand before the wedding was like why can't they wait for your whole family to be there at the wedding... I hated his family.. and I wanted to end it all.. then I thought do I want to be with him.. I was like yes I do... would I be happier with anyone else for the rest of my life.. I said no.. because I truly believe he is my soul mate. I was in the US at this time since I had just started a post.. so as soon as I came down the wedding was done and I left with my husband to Australia. Since he just got a job there in his profession.

Its been less than 6 months now... his mother is so cunning. I message her when ever I message my family. Because I don't want any difficulties with them because after the marriage when they used to call.. if my husband was sleeping it would be
You have given some medicine in his food to sleep? OK it's a joke at first you brush it aside
Then its her complaining I don't message her when she messages... which I showed my husband I do
Then when I do message her she is like she doesn't message immediately... and true I was talking to her ( which I always initiate to talk) and in the middle of talking I forgot I left something on the stove... I went and checked it and to my horror dinner got burnt a little... so by the time I got that all out.. I messaged back saying - " i am sorry was in the kitchen checking dinner " and then we chatted for some more time.. whenever she gets time to talk to her son she has complaints about me and my husband has the nerve to say that I need to put in more effort...

Whenever he has interests in watching a movie, I make sure I watch that as well because what are partners for
When he starts a new hobby or a past time ( which he has recently) I started that as well.. because it gives me more time to spend time with him after his work... because that's what partners are there for
If he wants something to eat I make sure I make for him..
When we came tp australia first ( the 1st and the 2nd day I was so tired) I didn't cook and he said his mom warned him about me saying this girl won't cook... not once have I not cooked for him after that ( but I was so sad that he thought that about me but he couldn't understand that I was tired after the long journey we took where we both had 2 large suitcases each and I was doing the same effort as him in carrying everythign equally because I didn't want him to do everything just because he is a man... I didn't want him to go through back pain.. so it was something ic ould help with.. and I did..
Just the fact that he says I don't do enough upsets me so much... and when I am upset I get so mad and I say all nasty things that I don't love him and he is not a nice person... he doesn't talk to me about things that hurt me so much... and it hurts me so much and makes me so sad... I don't know why this happens... all I want is to be happy... but he always finds faults in me when I feel that I do make sure I do things what he likes and he just asks asks asks for more and I hate his family... after the wedding I was staying with him an his family and they didn't even let me go home to see my family which is a custom in our tradition.. I told my husband that I miss my family I want to see them.. and his father took him alone and talked him out of it and he says now that it was his own decision. What do you expect me to do... I know he said yes we can go to my family before he spoke to his father and now he expects me to believe it was his decision.

I don't know what to do or say... I get so mad and upset and when I am upset I do stupid things like say I don't love you and I hate you and all the mean stuff because there is a limit for everything

You changed a lot for your husband from the start of the relationship and that's isn't good. If a guy can't accept you for who you are then you don't need him. Once you alter yourself for someone else your going continue to do so as you been doing now since the courtship.

You keep doing things to make him happy but what about your happiness? Your husband treats you like crap and you take it. You take his emotional abuse which is very unhealthy. It doesn't seems like he has a lot of respect for you and respect is very important.

Now his family, especially mom, needs to mind her business but that is highly unlikely since you have been working to please her to from the start and she been all up in your relationship from the start and to make matters worst your husband sees nothing wrong with this. He should be on your side and confront his mother but again highly unlikely since he sides with her.

This isn't love maybe one sided love on your part but I don't see him loving you the same as you love him. You do everything to please him when he complaints but I what like to know what he does for you? Then to add salt to the wound he gives you grief by saying disrespectful things to you. Then you continue to change and change for him just to feel accepted by him and his family.

I would have never, never started something with this guy after he couldn't accept you for you.

He is my best friend and everything I wanted in a guy.. caring, loving..


Nothing in your posts sounds like he is caring and loving. Yet the things you do to please him are.

I hope that you get the strength to stand up for yourself, and be honest about your feelings.

You really need to stop being so giving, and save some for yourself.

This happens when you try to please everyone else, but yourself. You put yourself last.

Start putting yourself higher on your list of priorities.

Well he says he loves me a lot and when I meet his co workers they say that whenever he has the time he talks about me.

I am also happy with the way I look now and I carry myself with more confidence.. since when people complement you.. you feel good...

Well I talked to him about this situation saying that he is siding with his mother but he has said that I am a hypocrite ( since I do say we have to accept people for who they are and be good christians) I am not perfect but I do try. I got so defensive , upset and angry when he starts siding with his mother that I don't want to listen to what he has to say anymore. Because I know he will make me feel bad or upset or say I am a bad person one way or the other. Its always my fault and I do bring these kind of topics up another day casually he says how could I ever take it as well as you deserve it...

I want things to work out. The only way I see is give in. He says I am a horrible person.. ok I am not perfect but I get so frustrated that I do actually do so much for him and he calls me a horrible person. I am usually a happy person.. I don't need many things (material stuff, I don't expect a lot from people.. I would love to live in peace and be happy with the little things God has given. I get so upset and hurt when my husband says the worst and twists his words so much that I myself feel that I have done something wrong. He is really good in English.

At the moment he is working and I am waiting for my Resident status for this country. I used to work before in my home country and he used to make things difficult for me.. I had to skip a lot of days of work. I talked about this to him and he says that once I work here he will support me in every way. I just hope that's true. If it isn't true I know the excuse he will give that I wasn't supportive enough. I hope everything works out... If there is anything I can do please help.

He says that he has decreased his anger. Which I have to agree for the moment he has... he used to get angry for simple things.

When he is happy he is so nice to be with, very patient and caring... all the qualities of a gentle man.. I don't expect him to do anything for me except understand what I feel.. which he does most of the times and rarely he goes crazy.. I told him I want us to go to counselor he won't do that.. he thinks we ought to manage it. He has a huge ego and can't deal with authority figures.. people who tell him what to do and what not to do.

When his mother first complained that I wasn't messaging.. My husband calmly explained to me see, its up to you if you want to message her or not but as to decrease tensions you can message her one word or so a day. When he says things nicely I don't mind doing it. So I started messaging her everyday. One month later, she says I am not messaging her immediately and doesn't want to talk to her. She doesn't ask over the phone How I am doing? Nothing... Then when she does talk about me its I am not doing this or that. Which I can take it as two things.. She cares for me and just wants me to talk to her or she is trying to find complaints about me... and I genuinely feel she is trying to find complaints... and who wants to talk to a lady who does that? My husband is saying, is it a crime to talk to her or message her... to which I said its not... But I am only hurt because the way she does things. trying to find faults in me... thats all.. and once I am past that hurt I will talk in front of you. Now he has said that he won't ever come to my parents house, or talk to them ever in his life. Usually when he says these things.. he doesn't mean it.. and I hope as well. Because yesterday was my moms birthday and he didn't even wish her and he blames it on me.

I want to salvage this marriage and be happy together with him.

I shall put myself first.. and start loving myself... I guess that's the way to start it

His mom won't mind her own business... he is the only child and wants to talk to him everyday if possible ( which I don't have a problem with) Its his mom.. I wouldn't want anyone to tell me you can't talk to your mother.

Funny thing is after marriage she is like " now we are your new family, and you have married into our family..so your family is not your family anymore" and I was like she is welcoming me to her family... but all I can say is My mother is the best thing that has happened to me in my whole life. I am so proud of my mother. I wish I can be more like her.

I know that from now on I will put myself first.. even if it means I have to hurt peoples feelings. I guess that's taking care o yourself...

Your doing your best, and when others are not, there will always be conflict. Its how you deal with it that makes the outcome, a success or not.

Be respectful of his family, and stay within the boundaries of good behavior, but be a doormat for no one, not even your husband.

When he crosses the line, or his mother, you politely, and respectfully let them know.

I'm sure your mom would agree, or better yet, ask her for her counsel in the matter.

Please look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the internet in relation to your husband and his mother's behaviour.

I suspect you are in an abusive relationship, and nothing you do, no matter how hard you try to be the perfect wife and daughetr-in-law, will ever be good enough. They are trying to control and subordinate you, they change the rules about your behaviour, they limit your access to your family or refuse to see them. What are they going to be like when you have children? I shudder to think.

You will need to speak to someone, professional, about how to deal with this. You should also let the other people that care about you know about this behaviour as it may escalate.

You may also have to accept that it's not possible to 'be happy' with a man like this because he does not put your well-being first and is manipulated by his mother.

Please be very careful and protect yourself phsically and emotionally before you decide what action to take.