Okay, I have been reading the numerous submissions for the past few months. I have really taken the questions/responses into consideration. But, I guess I need specifics.

Situation: my husband and I have been married for 22 years (together 23), we are 42 and 44. My sex drive is at at all-time high since gettng 'fixed'. I am his first, but he was not mine. I had a boyfriend from a five-year relationship (before I married my husband) that we did anything--sex was always interesting--but that was all it was, sex. I love my husband very much. He is a wonderful, loving man, gentle, and caring.

With that being said, I need my husband to be more aggressive. He is so gentle, never initiates. He does not like oral sex (I love oral--giving and getting). I like toys (thank goodness for that), I am really aggreeable to anything except for group stuff. I have voiced my interests to him, asked him what he wants from me and get nothing--all he likes is the missionary position, which is not the best for me--but okay with it most of the time because it makes him happy. I am not sure if he has it in him to be anything more than what we have had for 23 years.

He is willling to have sex just about any time, unless he is tired from work and I am okay with that. I think that my unsatiable need for sex is because I am not getting that 'interesting' stuff--orgasmic stuff-- that I seem to be craving. Financially, we cannot afford to go to a sex therapist. Any suggestions as to how I can coax him to try things that I apparently need? I am really sick of taking care of it myself. Thanks--

Since he won't take charge why don't you try it? Or have you?

You say you have talked to him about it, have you told him that you feel the NEED for him to be aggressive in order for you to be satisfied? He needs to know that it is necessary for you, and maybe that will help...however there Are some men that can't be aggressive, it's just not in their nature and it turns them completely off...if he is like that, you will have to think about what the next step is for you...

I know how you feel about the aggressive part to... I have always needed that but I have come to terms that my husband can't offer me that release and all so I just have to get what I can from him its hard yes but it's the truth some men don't like thr iff stuff at all its sad but true. Women seem to get more aggressive than men but in truth talk to him more about it and see what he would like you to do... he may have a fnatasy that he want you to do

Thanks for the posts... I am the aggressor in our relaitonship--if I was not, I am not sure there would be any sex at all. I kind of thought that my resolve to just 'live with it' would have to continue. I had a pretty good idea that he most likely did not have it in his personality to be more aggressive. He does not even like to kiss in public.

Yes, I have told him that 'need' certain things, but he does not seem interested. Don't get me wrong, he loves me with all his heart, but he does not have a clue. I have asked him to read books--both instructional and erotic--offered to get porno, etc. and I think it embarrasses him--even after 23 years of marriage. I feel like I am beating myself up to try and keep the fires burning and getting no where.

Have you noticed over the years any of these behaviors?
- poor eye contact
- avoidance of social interaction, and few, if any, friendships
- unwillingness to participate in group activities
- lack of empathy and understanding another person's feelings
- inability or unwillingness to start a conversation
- preference for "black humor"
- a need for sameness and routines
- rocking back and forth or shaking arms or legs rhythmically
- unwillingness to touch, to caress, to kiss (even in private) and no real interest
- huge startle reflex

Keep in mind... what you remember as being so great was in fact 22 years ago. Time has a way of changing the reality you remember. That's way so many really younge people think they know everything there is to know... and as we age we usually realize it was our perspective at the time that made you tink it was great where-as it was just mediocre.

With that said, try taking the initiative, most guys don't find that objectionable... a few might but not most. You have to try a few tricks to get some excitement going... 22 years tends to remove a lot of the excitement. I'm going past 17 years of marriage, We keep it reasonible exciting by finding new things to do... some of them might not be everyone's cup of tea, but you have to find what works for both of you. Hopefully he isn't hopelessly dull, just bored with the same-ol, same-ol because it does require participation of BOTH parties to work.

Well if you 2 have been having "ok" sex for the past 20 something years then it's going to be really hard to get out of the routine and make him understand that what he has been doing sexually with you is not completely satisfying you the way it should be. You also need to take some blame in this too for accepting "ok" sex from him for 20 something years.

I don't suggest you tell him that what he's doing in bed isn't that great but show him what you want and how you like it.

I'm guessing you don't like the idea that your going to have to always be the aggressor until he is comfortable enough to initiate, but that's just the way some people are... they don't have aggressive attitudes about certain things. In this case it your husband just is not that aggressive when it comes to sex. But obvoiusly he loves you and you are more of the aggressor so maybe you complete him? Play your role as the aggressor and love it and own it.

I for one have no problems telling the wife what I want and how I want it... but some days I just don't care so much about what and how and have gotten her years ago to be more upfront and honest about what she likes and wants... and not be afraid to ask when she really wants something specific. It goes both ways, but don't sit back and say he won't initiate so I won't either. Take the initiative and likely he will eventually take the hint.

Wondergirl... not sure where your questions are leading... but no, I have not seen these actions by my husband. He is a wonderful person, just not very confident in the sex department. I constantly stroke his ego and encourage his actions. He is just a one way type of guy and very shy--even after all these years.

I am just looking for a way to revvv his sexual desire up. I would love for him to once surprise me. And yes, I have told him this but alas not yet. I don't like to constantly beg. However, with that being said I will live the way it is now rather than not have him at all.

Just looking for suggestions on how... Thanks all!