Im trying to find my biological mother. How can I find her without lots of money. Have grandchildren with medical conditions and one passed away at three weeks old from a heart condition, so I need medical background. I also would like to know where I came from and my background. I haven't any family left other than my children and grandchildren. It would mean the world to me to know if I have any siblings.

If you have grandchildren, then your mother may well not be alive.

Also women marry, get divorced, remarry so finding them is a lot harder than men.

First do you know her name, anything about where she was from.

Next what medical info can she give you that will make a difference, not being cruel

Yes I know her name and her fathers name. The lawyers names and doctor. She was only sixteen when I was born. I am 53. People that aren't adopted know medical history and also their roots, if they look like their mom or dad, I think adoptees should have that right also.

Adoptees SHOULD have access to their medical information. They should also be given non-identifying information about their roots.

Take that up with your state representatives. Adoption law isn't going to change until people make enough of an uproar about it.

If there truly IS a medical condition, you can get a lawyer and petition the courts for opening the medical records.

Since you have your birthmother's name and some information about her, hiring a private detective is also an option.

You can also leave your name and contact information with the adoption agency used and the courthouse in the county where the adoption took place, so that if she comes looking for you, she has your contact information.

Register at reunion websites like adoption.com, adoption.org, and ISSR.

Look, I believe that the laws surrounding adoption need to change as well. However--remember that it is someone else's LIFE that you may be disrupting if you pop in out of nowhere because YOU want information. Please do your contact through a third party, because your birthmother may have moved on with her life, and there may be no one currently IN her life that even knows she gave birth to you. Adoption back then was very secretive, and you could cause serious problems for her if you invade her life uninvited. You have the right to your medical history, but you do NOT have the right to just jump into someone else's life after 53 years and demand answers.

The other side of this is that she may be looking for YOU. That's what those letters you leave are for, and that's what the reunion websites are for.

I have spent a lot time thinking about her having a family and them not knowing about me. I realize everything you said. I didn't plan on just busting in on her and saying surprise, I am not that inconsiderate. But I didn't ask to be born in that situation, and unless you are adopted you have know idea what it is like. Unfortunately I haven't any money for lawyers or anything else. Do you have any other suggestions?

The ONLY search options that do not cost any money whatsoever (and this may vary from state to state) are posting letters in the adoption file and at the adoption agency, and registering at reunion websites. At least, those are the only options that I am aware of.

And I may not know what it's like to be an adoptee---but I DO know what it's like to be a birthmother.

I was adopted and had the same information that you have. I located and met my birth mother and siblings. One thing I would like to know is were you adopted through an agency or private adoption? It does make a difference. I would love to help if I can.

It was a private adoption with lawyers, whose names I have. I also have the doctors name. But I don't have the financial resources that others do. Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The reason I asked was that agencied are really good about giving you health and other non-identifiable information. I was 30 years old and had no medical information in my file but much changes in that many years.

I wrote a letter to my birth mother and put it in an envelope without sealing it. I then wrote a letter to my local Social Security office explaining what I was trying to accomplish and why. I told them that I understood the national office could locate her and asked them to send it on. They did and four months later my birth mother called me.

I looked at scoured and spoke to her brother and ex-husband over a four year period before trying this route. SS sent my birth mother a form stating that I was trying to locate her, that I didn't know she had been located, and gave her my contact information with the letter I had written to her.

I spent very little money if any in doing this. The SS office actually did call and tell me that they located her - they are not supposed to do this but the lady said, "we got personally involved after reading your letters". I would be happy to talk with you sometime if you would like to know exactly what I put in the lettter.

I hope this helps some. If we can share personal contact information I would be happy to give that to you.

Wow... I had no idea that Social Security offices would DO that.

I am wondering, though, if that is a standard procedure for them. You would almost have to have a person's SSN in order for them to look for someone---for instance, Jennifer Anderson from Chicago, IL, is NOT going to be easily located.

What information did you NEED to have in order for the Social Security office to get involved?

All I had was her name at the time of my birth and her parents name. Where I was born and date range of her birth day (I knew how old she was when I was born). I did have her brothers name as well. I also included places that she had lived. But I had no numbers of any kind.

I do not believe that this is a standard thing for them to do and I did let them know everything else I had already tried and for how long. They were my last resort. I have never talked to any body else that has gone this route.

I tried the ss office but they weren't very receptive. Also there is a lot of jeanette boyces around,and that was her maiden name. I have no birthdate for her only know she was 16 when I was born. Yes I wouldn't mind talking to you personally if its okay.

I suppose I could try again, but I do know her fathers name. But I don't have any idea what part of fla. She was from. I only know she was sent to live with an aunt in daytona beach till I was born.

I tried to share my personal email address but I found that this is against the rules of the site. I don't know how we could get ahold of each other unless you are on Facebook? I will share my name with the world if they let me post that. Rhonda Marten Hayworth

My name Sharon Holzhause Brannon. I am on Reunion. Com if you want to contact me there. I think you can get my e-mail address there.

I am now on reunion.com but have limited access so it won't let me even send you an email. I don't want to spend the $ to be a premium member.

I don't blame you, especially when you don't need the site. Maybe I'LL think of some other way. But please stay in touch with me here on this site.

You may be able to send me an email through reunion.com? I do understand if you are being cautious about who you talk to and I respect that also. We'll stay in touch how we can. I am willing give you more information about myself if that would help your comfort level.

In any case I have some ideas - this involves legwork and time. To be honest I don't really like the negativity on forums about doing this. You asked how - not should I or shouldn't I?

Frankly, since I see the question "how can I find my birthmother/birthparents" at LEAST 5 times a week, I understand that it's a need.

However, from the birthmother's point of view--it's not your RIGHT to know it.

I've given suggestions on HOW to do it. Those suggestions will work if the birthmother is ALSO searching--which is the ideal situation for a reunion.

I don't consider it to be negative to be protecting the rights of women who were told that no one COULD find out they'd given a child up for adoption. You HAVE parents--good ones, I'm hoping, that your birthmother sacrificed more than you can realize so that you could have them.

I don't have a problem with people searching. What I have a problem with is people who think it is their RIGHT to contact a person who may have their world DESTROYED to have someone show up on their doorstep 20-30-40 years later and say "hi mom!"

There are certainly plenty of adoptee support sites out there if you want positivity.

I am not negative--I pointing out REALISTICALLY what might happen. The adoptee is not the only person involved here, and I think that most adoptees are incredibly selfish to think it's all about what THEY want and what THEY need, without thinking about how it may affect others--including the adoptive parents and birthparents.

The only thing you have a RIGHT to is your medical information. If you have a legitimate need for that, then I haven't heard of a court case yet that's denied a medical need for information.

So by all means--find a site with less "negativity". I've tried to be helpful--but being helpful means pointing out that it's not all rainbows and roses for reunions.

I realize it is not all roses and rainbows. I am not an evil person who just plans to disrupt someone's life. But all this haunts me everyday. Do you have to live with not knowing where you came from if you look like one of your parents. Do you know what it is like when your growing up and your friends ask you about your natural parents. As I have said before I would be happy with medical information and just a picture of her. Is that really too much to ask.

I never stated that it our RIGHT to know. It has been stated that a lot of thought has gone into this. She had to sign for and pick up the letter and was told I was looking and given my information with the choice to contact me or not - it was completely my birth mothers choice I didn't just "show up on her doorstep". I was as ready for the rejection as I was to find her as everyone searching should be.

The problem with opening your files through the court to get the medical information is that A LOT of that information is not accurate after 30-50 years so it really does no good and if the birth mother was that young you can bet she didn't know any way.

Thank you for being so selfless in giving up a child for adoption. Women like you are heroes in my book and I wish these young teenagers could be that selfless.

I am curious to know, from your perspective (I'm not being snotty - I am really interested please) In the world the way it is now what is the stigma or issue that keeps birth parents from wanting to meet their adult children? If it is a secret, why? Help me to understand.

I am NOT for open adoptions at all. I had the most wonderful parents anyone could have and they will be forever my mom and dad. My birth mother has a first name and it's not "mom". We don't have a "relationship". I waited until I was 30 so that my parents didn't feel I was trying to replace them. The most this woman will ever be to me is a friend and I made that understood before she ever made that call.

My birth mother had absolutely no idea that she could put a note in my file looking for me. I don't suppose that she the only one.

I had the most wonderful parents also, I couldn't have had better. But my Mom was also selfless and understood my need to know and offered to help me find her, but I said know because I didn't want to hurt her or my dad. But I know longer have them in my life. I was told that My natural parents wanted to get married and keep me but My bio. Moms father said no.

Any birth mother searching is given that same information from me--I am actually more active with birthparents and birthparent support groups than I am with adoptees, simply from my own perspectives.

In TODAY'S world, there is not as much stigma. The issue comes from most closed adoptions where the birthmother walks away and carries on with her life. I've spoken with some birthmothers from the 60s, 70s, and 80s that think of their child and miss them every day, and it's affected their entire life. They've never truly been allowed to mourn their loss (society is VERY bad about that), and it's affected their relationships with husbands, lovers, children, parents--whoever! Those birthmothers are the ones who are searching, even if they are only passively searching (registering on reunion sites and sending letters to the adoption agency).

Other mothers from the SAME times never told anyone they were pregnant. They had the baby in secret, never saw the child, and MOVED ON with their life. They seldom think of their child other than to hope he/she is okay occasionally. They never told their husbands about the child. They never told their kids. They mourned their loss, and moved on with their lives, never talking about it. These are the women whose lives would be completely disrupted if a child given for adoption were to show up one day, or call, or otherwise initiate contact NOT through a third party. The emotional upheaval in those cases is horrible. Imagine someone you've thought of as dead for 30 years shows up on your doorstep. As nice as it is to see them, it's HORRID at the same time, and the emotions involved are extreme.

I am absolutely for open adoptions--mine is open, and I communicate with my daughter's parents a couple times a year. They let me know she's okay, and I keep them updated on medical problems in my family, along with other information. I find myself being friends with her parents, long-distance.

I hope my daughter contacts me at 18---but that will be her choice. Her parents know how to reach me, and have promised to give her that information if she asks for it. I don't expect her to call me "mom"--she has a mom. I do, however, expect her to have some respect for me for the hard decisions I had to make regarding her life before she was even born.

The difference between MY open adoption, and many open adoptions is that I have a non-interference policy.

Frankly, there just needs to be more public education about adoption in general. Ask most people about adoption, and they'll tell you everything they know--and all of it dates to the 1940s.

Anyway, I hope I answered what you were asking. I wasn't trying to take away from the original question. It's that since I see the OTHER side of things, I feel the need to point out that someone else's life is involved as well.

Thank you Synnen. I had no idea that you could put the no-interference clause - that changes my prospective some about open adoptions.

Here is what my birth mother told me that haunted her for 30 years: The adoption papers in 1965 where she was to sign said something to the effect "I hereby abandon this child to_________." She had dreams for years over this statement. I do believe they have changed that and maybe it was different depending on the state or county.

I was adopted through Lutheran Social Services. I was not a very "nice" teenager. I said some very hurtful things to my mom and had quite a mouth (still have that sometimes). Mom and Dad took us back to Lutheran Social Services for counseling when I was 14 years old and it was the councilor who believed that I needed to know some information. It made a HUGE difference in my attitude and how I treated my Mom. He told me how old she was when she had me, my nationality, what medical information was there (nothing). I carried that information with me for many years, not really thinking I would go any further then, like you ladyshay23, I just felt like was just something missing inside of me. I can honestly say that I haven't had that feeling since meeting my birth mother. I listened to her story of why, how, where, and what. I was completely surprised and still am by how much mental power the parents had over adult children back then. I will tell you that I am SO VERY thankful that she made the choice to give me up. I have a 1/2 brother (15mo younger), 1/2 sister (2 yr younger), and 1/2 sister 5 years younger and the things they had to endure growing up I can not even fathom. They are all very good people but they are not a close family like mine was - not even close.

I completely agree that a third party needs to be involved and that is how I went about it. I also gave my birth mother the option of simply writing me with the information I was seeking without a return address or through SS.