So I work with my fiancé and for the last 4 1/2 years everything was great we were suppose to be married in feb 09. Well everything was setup. All the deposits were placed and dress was purchased etc... well in January she told me she wanted to postpone the wedding. I told her that's fine I don't want to rush you. So we postponed it... than a week later she gave me the ring back and said she couldn't deal with the stress and she went to her moms for 2 days. She came back and we tried to work on it for a little bit. 3 weeks later in January she left again for a week. She was confused and needed time to think. I told her to get her back to her home because that's where she belongs and she can do her thinking while she is wearing the ring. So she came back and than on march 28th we both decided to take a month break and while she was gone we would still remain together but she just needed space because part of her wants to be with me yet part of her doesn't want to be in any relatioship. A week later I told her to come over and we decided to break up because I couldn't be with someone while they needed a to think about us... I am heart broken that I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this women and she doesn't know what she wants. Here is my problem. I still work with her and I make a good living so I am not losing my job over it but we signed a year lease in novemeber and there is 6 months left on the lease. She decided to leave and go to her moms when we have 2 bedrooms in this place. She said she will continue to pay half her rent until the lease is up but I feel weird taking the money even though I need it. I won't roommate with anyone so when the lease is up I am getting my own 1 bedroom. But I just don't know what to make of it. Its only been almost 3 1/2 weeks but it still hurts and I signed up on a dating website to see if I can start meeting women to get my mind off things. I got my ring back the day she left and she has taken almost all her stuff out of the apartment but not everything because it is still technically her place to live but she has even had her mail being sent to her moms which is only 25 minutes from our house. What should I expect? My mom tried to get me on anti-depressent and I was thinking to myself do I need that for isn't it normal to feel hurt and angry? I mean 6 months from now if I can't get over her then maybe a problem but please... So any advice ?

Wow. That's really painful. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I'm really sorry to hear about all this.

Try to think about it this way. The two of you gave it your best shot. It's not like you didn't try. At least you broke up before getting married, so you won't have to go through a divorce.

I'm not sure if meeting other woman will help you too much because they will all be rebounds.

Try to read the stickies in this forum. You just need to give yourself much more time. 3 1/2 weeks is nothing actually. Just be patient with yourself. Keep yourself busy.

Yea but is it wrong of me to feel strange about taking rent money from her when she isn't living there? I mean she did sign the lease and I never told her to move out it was her choice...

yea but is it wrong of me to feel strange about taking rent money from her when she isnt living there? I mean she did sign the lease and i never told her to move out it was her choice......

Tthink about it, if you had a regular roommate, you would expect them to pay rent. It's only because you have feelings for this girl that you feel guilty.

Since you guys have broken up, I think you should just treat her like you would anyone else. Like you said, it was her choice to move out, so she is responsible for her share.

Gotcha. Kind of sucks though because for the next 6 months she is going to have to live at home with her mom at 28 years old... The pain hurts and even with the fact that as I am writing this she is in the office next to me. But I need to just face the fact that she isn't coming back and she wasn't ready to commit and got scared off or something... I haven't spoken to her since Tuesday but we went for lunch and had sex which I don't want to go again because it makes it worse. Thanks for the info.

gotcha. Kind of sucks though because for the next 6 months she is going to have to live at home with her mom at 28 years old.... The pain hurts and even with the fact that as i am writing this she is in the office next to me. But i need to just face the fact that she isnt coming back and she wasnt ready to commit and got scared off or something.... I havent spoken to her since tuesday but we went for lunch and had sex which i dont want to go again because it makes it worse. Thanks for the info.

Other people might put this in harsher words, but if you want to start healing, you got to avoid having sex. You got to avoid her all together. Since you work together, just be polite when you talk and tell her that you are busy if she wants to have a longer conversation.

Just keep in mind that if you do things with her that gives you false hope, then all the progress you make during your healing process gets restarted. For example, I know you said that it's been 3 1/2 weeks. But once you do something to give yourself hope again (ex: sex, talking about not giving up with her), it resets to 0.

Just focus on yourself. Spend this time healing to make yourself a better person.

I know exactly how what you mean. Every time I talk to her or do the sex thing it resets to 0. funny thing is my mom wants me on anti-depressents... I was like please give me a break isn't it normal to feel this way after a breakup? Its not like I am sitting in the apartment crying I am going mountain biking... jogging... trying to get out as much as possible.

I know exactly how what you mean. Everytime i talk to her or do the sex thing it resets to 0. funny thing is my mom wants me on anti-depressents.... i was like please give me a break isnt it normal to feel this way after a breakup?? Its not like i am sitting in the apartment crying i am going mountain biking... jogging.... trying to get out as much as possible.

Yea, sounds like you're doing well. Sometimes people accuse you or suggest you to do things, when they are the ones who actually need it. Is it possible that your mom is the one who is depressed?

How do you act around her? In my experience, I tend to trust what our moms say. They usually know us pretty well, sometimes even better than we know ourselves. Are you all sad and moppy around her? You just got to let her know that you were sad at first and now you're doing better. You only need anti-depressents when your condition keeps getting worse and worse with no end in sight.

Well I had stupidly mentioned I wish I could make the pain go away by doing... something bad.. and that freaked her out even though I won't do anything. And I am not the type of person who general acts like they care so I been kind of depressed around her but its only because I never got an answer from my ex as to why she left just she is confused... so in my mind I think my mom jumped the gun and said go get checked out... But honestly I think I can handle it myself. This was my first true love and I had no idea this was going to happen. Actually nobody did except my ex I suppose.

Well i had stupidly mentioned i wish i could make the pain go away by doing....... something bad.. and that freaked her out even though i wont do anything. And i am not the type of person who general acts like they care so i been kind of depressed around her but its only because i never got an answer from my ex as to why she left just she is confused.... so in my mind i think my mom jumped the gun and said go get checked out.... But honestly i think i can handle it myself. This was my first true love and i had no idea this was going to happen. Actually nobody did except my ex i suppose.

Yea, a lot of people have this problem with their first true love. They don't know when it's time to call it quits. I'm sorry to say, but today might be day 1 for you in your recovery process. Just take it easy on yourself man. The pain might get worse... but eventually it will get better. You just have to give yourself time. Time is the key to healing.

Try to keep yourself busy. Check this thread out: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

Yea after talking to my aunt she is a registered nurse she told me to take the medicine if that's what the MD recommand and I am only taking it to help myself over come this little hump. So what the hell ill just take it. Worse case it doesn't work and I stop it. Thanks for the help.

Other than having sex, your doing the right things for yourself, and just me, let her pay you her half of the rent.

Be patient as its normal to feel as you do, that's quite a shock she gave you, but you will recover in time and do all right by yourself. It does take time.

As for those meds? I'm not your doctor, and only you know if they help or not.

Yea I am still debating in my head to take the meds or not... Omigod I think this decision is becoming more of a pain in my @@@ than her leaving me. I am going to sit down tonight with a close friend and really talk about the medication issue. I really feel like if I was depressed over her leaving I wouldn't be out mountain biking and trying to hang out with buddies and stuff. I mean I do think about her a lot but I was almost about to walk down the aisle with her so I really think its normal to feel this way...

Yea i am still debating in my head to take the meds or not..... Omigod i think this decision is becoming more of a pain in my @@@ than her leaving me. I am going to sit down tonight with a close friend and really talk about the medication issue. I really feel like if i was depressed over her leaving i wouldnt be out mountain biking and trying to hang out with buddies and stuff. I mean i do think about her a lot but i was almost about to walk down the aisle with her so i really think its normal to feel this way.....

I think that you're doing better than you think. But don't you need to see a medical practitioner before you can take the meds? Do you have trouble sleeping? I can't say for sure because I'm not you, but how about giving yourself a little bit more time before deciding on the meds? Since today is considered day 1 for your recovery, why don't you give yourself a chance? Just a thought.

Exercising is a really good for the healing process.

I know exactly how what you mean. Everytime i talk to her or do the sex thing it resets to 0. funny thing is my mom wants me on anti-depressents.... i was like please give me a break isnt it normal to feel this way after a breakup?? Its not like i am sitting in the apartment crying i am going mountain biking... jogging.... trying to get out as much as possible.

I think you are having a much healthier approach to this,as opposed to what your Mom is suggesting.
Anti depressants are not miracle drugs or amnesiacs,you are going to be hurt for a time and hurt is part of healing.
The dating thing,not such a great idea right now.Its so easy to need someone after a break-up. Casual meetings with girls,yes, but dating,you could find yourself looking for a rebound girl.
Continue what you are doing and work on being content by yourself and that way when the new girl in your life comes along ,you will be a complete package.A whole person who is ready for love because you know how to be alone.

Yea this past Wednesday I went and she gave me enough samples until I can see her in a month. My really only problem I have is if is it around the house by myself. I am so use to having my partner at the apartment with me it gets lonely... but than when I go out talk about her too much which my buddies are getting annoyed lol. I really think too that I am doing OK I honestly rather wait a few more weeks before I get on medication for something that should hurt because of what happened. I really really don't want to start taking medication for this problem when I am not normally a depressed person. I think my mom just got worried because like I said she has never seen me confused and lost I usually know what I am doing. My main problem is waking up each morning I feel sick to my stomach but it goes away by lunch time I think that's where my biggest depression concern comes in...

So going on a date would be a good idea or bad idea? I am not looking for rebound sex... honestly having sex with someone else I would feel like I am cheating... but I want to go out and have dinner or something with other women I don't want to lay dorment and not get friendly again with the opposite sex.

Yea this past wensday i went and she gave me enough samples until i can see her in a month. My really only problem i have is if is it around the house by myself. I am so use to having my partner at the apartment with me it gets lonely... but than when i go out talk about her to much which my buddies are getting annoyed lol. I really think too that i am doing ok i honestly rather wait a few more weeks before i get on medication for something that should hurt because of what happened. I really really dont want to start taking medication for this problem when I am not normally a depressed person. I think my mom just got worried because like i said she has never seen me confused and lost i usualy know what i am doing. My main problem is waking up each morning i feel sick to my stomach but it goes away by lunch time i think thats where my biggest depression concern comes in....

You have to be very careful with this medication.Often it can make you more depressed.I was on some crap one time and I felt like I was going to pull my hair out.I went from depressed to angry.Finally I call the doctor and she's so nonchalant about it but says stop it immediately as it can cause you to become suicidal.
What's up with that?

So going on a date would be a good idea or bad idea? I am not looking for rebound sex.... honestly having sex with someone else i would feel like i am cheating.... but i want to go out and have dinner or something with other women i dont want to lay dorment and not get friendly again with the opposite sex.

The thing is,you go on a date then another and pretty soon,this lonely feeling starts to ebb and its replaced with a new feeling.Dependence on another person and then at some point she is going to want intimacy.I would say take it slow,but you know yourself and your needs and how well you can cope.

Ill give it a try.

Thanks

I'm really sorry about this situation. You probably don't need antidepressants and you definitely DON'T or shouldn't be dating to "get your mind" off this. Please, please, please don't date anyone while you're in this vulnerable awful, upset, angry, sad emotional state. It's not fair to the other "daters" who are really looking to settle down right now. Keep your head on your job, exercise and just continue to talk (vent) to your family and friends. This is painful and rough, and frustrating - I'm sure you want to punch a hole in the wall. You deserve the time to grieve this... I can only promise you that in 2 years, it will be easier, in 5 years you won't think about it CONSTANTLY and in 7 years, you'll probably be so focused on other people in your life that this won't seem nearly as bad as it feels right now. You need time to heal. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. Take the money from here for the rent, and then get out and get your own place - free of all of her stuff. I wish you the best.

Wow its funny that you just wrote that. Because I just deleted the profile that I had online for dating. I talked to one person on the phone and I felt totally screwed up in the head. I am going to try and take anti-depressants because the way I am acting is completely opposite of my normal self and my friends and family don't like it. I cannot get her out of my mind and I have to work with her as well so I am going to try them for at least a month to see if they help me focus more on me and nothing else. But yea talking to the girl on the phone was really a punch in the face as to what am I doing?!

Hi FoozGrind.
I'm glad you closed down your online dating profile. I think it's just TOO much for you to think about right now. You don't need the added stress, right? Re: the anti-depressant / anti-anxiety drugs - Just so you and your family know, it may take a few weeks for you to notice a difference in your emotional state. Also, the drugs might give you really WEIRD very realistic-feeling, crazy nightmare-odd dreams. Take your time, and try to cope with the "side-effects" of the drugs. Maybe in a few weeks they will help. I know you can't get her out of your mind. Right now you are obsessed with thoughts of her. That is normal. Just promise me that you won't hurt or harm yourself, or harm her or anyone you know. If you can (gently) punch your pillow or trying jogging around the block a few times, that may help to clear your head and release some of the crazy thoughts and adrenaline rushing through your system. You need a physical release like running or swimming or some type of sport. This is such an awful time for you. I can't change it or make it better - you simply must try to get through day by day. Slowly and carefully - jump up and down to clear your head if you must. Cry and yell if you must... but it's just one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Take up a boxing course at a gym if that will help lessen the mind-racing storm in your head. Do ANYTHING safe and sport-related to releave the mental pressure. You deserve to mourn this loss. You deserve to feel angry and sad and scared and frustrated. But you also need to try and stay in control of your actions. Breathe in and breathe out. Relax and try to focus on staying calm and in control. No one can fix this, but time will slowly heal some of the sharp pain you are experiencing right at this moment. You can do this. You will be OK. It sucks and this isn't fair, but it is what it is and many of us readers here online support you. I reach out my hand to you and wish you to be safe and wish you better days in the future. You need to stay in control in order to keep your employment. You need your employment in order to have a place to live. One small step forward each day. I trust you can do it. You've made it this far - hold on and carry yourself forward.

In 5 to 10 years, you will look back on this as a life-lesson, learning experience. It doesn't make it easy or OK now, but it will make you more resilient in the future. Believe in yourself.

Do ANYTHING safe and sport-related to releave the mental pressure.

Apparently I can't spell... I meant to type: "relieve" relieve the mental pressure

I do mountain biking a lot which tires me out so that helps with sitting home alone. And my parents are keeping me busy by having me help around the house. I am going to join the gym to keep busy. I don't have a problem of keeping myself busy and sorry but I don't believe there is any women in the world with hurting myself over... I just don't like the obessive feeling in my head... I am usually the "i dont give a &&&" kind of guy so I can't stand constently thinking about her and what she is doing so the pills are only to help me concentrate more on what I need to do. Thanks for the support! I am 26 now I want to be married before I am 30 so hopefully it won't take me that long to find someone new in my life. All I can say is I loved this girl but what it comes down to is she is nuts. Wasted over 7 grand because she didn't know what she wanted... sorry but as much as I care for her she needs to get help more than me.

Now that I read my last message I should re-phrase a little. She is not nuts but when I think about it she did what she thought was in her best interest and that's what I need to respect. 2 people have to be happy for it to work out I was happy and I assume she wasn't so someone was going to get hurt in the end. I still love her and will always remember her for the rest of my life. She was the best thing ever to happen to me.

Hey Fooz, I am sorry for what you are going through. I am going through the same thing, fiancé left me, but this was because I got nervous about the wedding and had some doubts, when I realized I didn't have those doubts anymore, it was too late.

Question for you, if she came back to you and said she knew for sure she wanted to get married, how would you handle it?

Hmmm I think I'm on the verge of leaving my fiancé right now... today... this is not a good thing... :(

Honestly I don't know how I would handle it... she left march 28th... its almost a month but we had postponed our wedding since January. Part of me would take her back in a flash the other part of me would want to talk to her and find out why she really left in the first place and what has changed. Sorry I can't really answer it :( I am taking anti-depressant to help me cope with her so maybe it will help clear my mind to make a choice. But I don't think she is coming back. Although she still wears my bracelet I gave her for her birthday so that means something to me. Good luck! Trust me I wish this pain would go away already it just won't. I must say it love hurts.

It's not a good idea to take her back. How do you know she won't leave you again? The trust is barely existent now.

You should definitely find someone else who will actually make you happy and that you can actually trust.

So since the last time I posted here is an update. She has been very upset and has been missing me. I have found out a few things that made us have our problems. She was upset with the fact that she thought she could never go anywhere alone (like out of state trips) because I would always want to go with her (I like to travel) and she never bothered asking again because she figured it wasn't worth the guilt feeling. Which by the way it was only one time. Plus she felt like she didn't have her own space like we work together and live together and it was just too much to handle and she wanted to be able to go out with her friends when she wanted to without answering to nobody. Well we talked things over and are now dating each other exclusivly so there is nobody else involved and we are going to take it slow. The other problem she has is a commitment problem. We were just about to walk down the wedding isle only a month away and she choked and canceled it. She told me her mom said her dad was like that something to do with fear of success. So she has an appointment to get her medication looked at and what not at the end of the month. For right now we are going to take it slow and she will stay at her moms and we are just going to date exclusively for now and see what happens down the rode. Is it possible for a couple to be engaged and than break it and date and then eventually get married?

Anything is possible, but thinking to far ahead raises expectations, and leads to assuming, and presuming, and that can distract you from the reality in front of you and dealing with the facts.

She ain't ready so slow down, and resolve your real issues.

Ok so we can date each other again and just take it slow and see where it leads us? My main concern was it normal to go from being engaged to dating?

Who is who to say what's normal these days? If it feels right to you, go with it. Take it slow and build up a solid foundation, one that can escape the collapse of your last one.

Thanks, we both love each other very much and its just a big mess with the issues she has with me and my issues with her one not being able to commit I think we can work it out and make us stronger. Thanks again!