Maxfli
Apr 17, 2009, 05:00 AM
Where do I start? My wife and I had been married for almost 14 years when she informed me that she wanted her freedom weeks before Christmas. She explained that years of never feeling #1 and under appreciating her had led to the point she was at and that she just couldn't take it anymore. We had shared approximately 17 total years together and have two beautiful daughters, ages 13 and 7. I'll be the first to admit that I have always put our girls before my wife and I know I didn't appreciate her the way I should have. Even though I admit to those things, I still feel as though there is much more to her leaving and that she is being less than honest. For years, she has struggled with her self-esteem and depression and this has led to multiple affairs on her behalf. Although I haven't been the best husband, I've never cheated on my wife and could never imagine doing so. Her first affair was shortly after the birth of our oldest daughter and was more of a relationship considering it went on for at least a few months. At the time, she was struggling with postpartum depression and turned to another man both emotionally and sexually. The second affair happened approximately one year later, but was a one night stand this time. She has had what I would call two other affairs, but were only emotional from what I know, but might have turned sexual had I not discovered them when I did. For the last 2+ years, I really feel as though she had been faithful until the news that she wanted her freedom. Since then she has refused any attempt by me to work through our marriage and insisted that one of us must move out almost immediately. She moved out in mid-January and a legal separation (her request) was signed on late January '09. She continued to refuse all attempts to work through our problems even after moving out and I finally realized around Valentine's Day that I couldn't win back someone who didn't want to be won back. At this time, I begin to pick up the pieces and made every attempt to move on. I even began talking to the mother of one of our daughter's friends who had been divorced. We had a lot in common and conversation came easy, but nothing more... not even a date. Everything was fine until my ex-wife discovered that I was talking to this person. Ever since, she has ridiculed me for choosing one of our daughter's friends and even confronted this female in front of her kids. Since then this friend has wished me nothing but the best, but understandably wants as far away from my ex-wife as possible. The ridicule has turned into uncontrollable emotions for her and now does nothing but cry, even when she has the girls (joint custody 50/50). It is tearing our girls apart seeing their mom this way and she has even begun to tell them that mom wants to come home, but daddy won't let her. So far, my girls say that they understand why I won't go back and that's because I don't see any reason that things will be any different. Sine she has decided that she wants to work things out, I have nothing but honest with her that I'm not willing to open myself or the girls back up to all that hurt and disappointment again. Several of my friends have expressed their concern that they feel her emotions are mostly based on not having control of me any longer and I can honestly see some of their points. I want nothing but the best for her and myself, but I have no idea how to balance what's best for our girls and me and still try to be a friend to her. My friends say that I've tried and that I've got to realize that she isn't my responsibility any more, but I'm afraid that if I just turn my back completely the girls could potentially blame me if something happens to their mom. Looking for some advice here and don't worry about hurting my feelings... call it like you see it!