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View Full Version : Move on or reconsider?


Maxfli
Apr 17, 2009, 05:00 AM
Where do I start? My wife and I had been married for almost 14 years when she informed me that she wanted her freedom weeks before Christmas. She explained that years of never feeling #1 and under appreciating her had led to the point she was at and that she just couldn't take it anymore. We had shared approximately 17 total years together and have two beautiful daughters, ages 13 and 7. I'll be the first to admit that I have always put our girls before my wife and I know I didn't appreciate her the way I should have. Even though I admit to those things, I still feel as though there is much more to her leaving and that she is being less than honest. For years, she has struggled with her self-esteem and depression and this has led to multiple affairs on her behalf. Although I haven't been the best husband, I've never cheated on my wife and could never imagine doing so. Her first affair was shortly after the birth of our oldest daughter and was more of a relationship considering it went on for at least a few months. At the time, she was struggling with postpartum depression and turned to another man both emotionally and sexually. The second affair happened approximately one year later, but was a one night stand this time. She has had what I would call two other affairs, but were only emotional from what I know, but might have turned sexual had I not discovered them when I did. For the last 2+ years, I really feel as though she had been faithful until the news that she wanted her freedom. Since then she has refused any attempt by me to work through our marriage and insisted that one of us must move out almost immediately. She moved out in mid-January and a legal separation (her request) was signed on late January '09. She continued to refuse all attempts to work through our problems even after moving out and I finally realized around Valentine's Day that I couldn't win back someone who didn't want to be won back. At this time, I begin to pick up the pieces and made every attempt to move on. I even began talking to the mother of one of our daughter's friends who had been divorced. We had a lot in common and conversation came easy, but nothing more... not even a date. Everything was fine until my ex-wife discovered that I was talking to this person. Ever since, she has ridiculed me for choosing one of our daughter's friends and even confronted this female in front of her kids. Since then this friend has wished me nothing but the best, but understandably wants as far away from my ex-wife as possible. The ridicule has turned into uncontrollable emotions for her and now does nothing but cry, even when she has the girls (joint custody 50/50). It is tearing our girls apart seeing their mom this way and she has even begun to tell them that mom wants to come home, but daddy won't let her. So far, my girls say that they understand why I won't go back and that's because I don't see any reason that things will be any different. Sine she has decided that she wants to work things out, I have nothing but honest with her that I'm not willing to open myself or the girls back up to all that hurt and disappointment again. Several of my friends have expressed their concern that they feel her emotions are mostly based on not having control of me any longer and I can honestly see some of their points. I want nothing but the best for her and myself, but I have no idea how to balance what's best for our girls and me and still try to be a friend to her. My friends say that I've tried and that I've got to realize that she isn't my responsibility any more, but I'm afraid that if I just turn my back completely the girls could potentially blame me if something happens to their mom. Looking for some advice here and don't worry about hurting my feelings... call it like you see it!

bronzebabe
Apr 17, 2009, 05:17 AM
She sounds emotionally unstable...I think you could suggest she get into some intense one on one therapy...if she declines, I think you and your divorce lawyer need to protect the kids, by keeping them from her till she can understand she needs help. She sounds controlling, and you don't want that affecting the kids...

artlady
Apr 17, 2009, 05:22 AM
I couldn't help but notice one key element is missing in this post and that is the word love.

I get the impression you are no longer in love with your wife,however you love her as the mother of your children and you have legitimate concern for her.

People who stay together for the kids or reunite for the kids are doing everyone a great disservice.In the long run,everyone is cheated.

It is better for kids to live with two separate happy parents than to try to unite a broken family that is play acting at happiness.

Your kids need to understand that and they are old enough to grasp that.Be honest.

Mom is responsible for her own actions and the consequences of them.That is life and your kids need to understand that as well.

Two homes is better than a broken home.

You need to have a decent relationship with the Mom ,if at all possible and set some boundaries to protect the kids.There should be no bad talking the other parent and you need to remember that your children's welfare is something you both can agree on.

Maxfli
Apr 20, 2009, 11:51 AM
Bronze Babe... You are right about the controlling part, its just something that I never saw during our marriage. Now, it has come to the surface in ways that I never dreamed possible. I'll be the first to admit how hard-headed I am and the aspect of her trying to control every aspect of my life now that we're separated isn't going over very well. I just don't have the nerve (not yet) to go to such a drastic measure as petitioning the take the kids, even if its temporary.

Artlady... You are also very accurate, in the sense of my love changing. It has changed drastically and had to for me to begin to move on and put the pieces of me back together. She still sees any love at all as a sign that I'm coming back, but I just can't see it at all and I honestly feel as though I've searched my heart very thoroughly before closing that door. I feel the same way that staying together for the kids is the worst thing we could do, its just taken a lot of time for me to realize that. My oldest daughter (13) even admits; as bad as she wants mom and dad back together, she knows it's a bad idea if things remain the same as they were.