Hi all. I met this girl when I was performing at a function with my band a couple months ago. We're both in college. We spoke briefly, before I proceeded to add her on Facebook. She took the initiative to contact me, and from there we took the conversation to IM and texts. We'd talk for hours on IM at night, and exchange texts all day.

I eventually asked her out for lunch - it was very casual. I said "Let's meet up again soon," and she suggested a movie. From then on we went out a number of times and it went very typically - dinner, movie then I'd send her home. We'd joke and make each other laugh with a bit of playful nudging. Sometimes she'd even talk while leaning her arm on my shoulder. It seemed all good - because I was blissfully unaware that she had a boyfriend.

When I realized that bit of truth (from a mutual friend) it was too late because by that time I was really into her. They've been together for 3 years, and are now in a long-distance relationship. I was devastated, but I didn't bring it up because I figured that she'd want to tell me herself. I decided to lay off and not ask her out anymore. Instead one day she invited me over to her dorm to watch a movie on her laptop. At this point I was really confused, but I obliged.

Then one day she finally mentioned her boyfriend. I also finally told her about my feelings for her, and she said we could still be good friends. She also said that she felt really bad about it. She then went on to tell me about how she didn't know where their relationship was going to go, since it was long distance. She'd go really upset every time we talked about LDRs but she also says"if there's a will, there's a way"

At first I was pretty sure that the attraction was mutual. She said that she doesn't have any close platonic friends, so to hang out with me and talk to me so often I must've meant something to her. But now I'm not so sure anymore. Could someone please suggest what might be going through her mind? I intend to just stay friends with her but I'd also just like to understand the situation better. Any help would be greatly appreciated! (:

Cheers,
Kieran

If you believe that god exist,then get in contact to that god.ask god whatever favor you want especially regarding the girl you are with now or else it may end up to "may the best man win".or make the girl happy from deep in your heart even in ways that may hurt you just to make her happy.as soon she'll know that without telling or giving her any hints,her most possible reaction is to have mercy on you and give you what you deserve

Oh man that sucks to hear. I joined this forum with a similar problem, but I knew that the girl had a boyfriend from the day I met her. Here's the link to all the advices I received: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/just-dont-know-what-do-anymore-319894.html

But let's focus on your situation. Like the girl said, she doesn't have many close platonic friends. So when she met you and felt the connection, she was excited.

"I also finally told her about my feelings for her, and she said we could still be good friends"

Now she knows how you feel. She made it clear that she just wants to be friends with you. If she's having problems with her boyfriend, then don't push her anymore about your feelings. Let her sort out her relationship with her boyfriend.

If you can handle it, just be her friend and support her if she needs it. If you can't handle it, you're going to have to stop talking to her until you stop having these feelings for her before you can be friends again.

If you ever want a chance with her, you got to back off, wait for her to break up, give her time to recover (because you do not want to be her rebound) and then make a move. It's a slow and painful process.

Just be careful not to get too close to her while she's still with her boyfriend. You don't want to be the guy that she cheats with. Cause there would be no way to trust her. If you became her boyfriend, you would be scared that she cheats on you too.

Hi!

Well, I've been in a long distance relationship myself, and I have to tell you, it isn't the easiest thing.

In fact, when I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend, I turned to my best friend, love who I consequently fell in with.

I think what you have with this girl is real, so I suggest you pursue it. I remember I realised I had feelings for my best friend, when he started talking about other girls. Maybe she will realise the same when you aren't romantically available any more.

I think people are made that way, they want what they can't have.

From what it appears, you guys seem to have something that is real, and going someplace. With long distance, you can never tell..

I think she's into you at some level, and think you should pursue it, if you're really into her.

G'luck!

:-)

Thanks for the replies so far everybody! Some very varied advice here though.. not sure which one to actually follow.

I'm just being a platonic friend to her right now, and she seems happy to hang out and let me send her home even though she knows my feelings for her. If I were her I wouldn't even agree to hang out for fear of leading the guy on!

But then again if I just went after her while she's in a r/s wouldn't I be disrespecting her r/s?

This is all very confusing :s but thanks again people!

She sounds like a big flirt to me. I know the word is dirty.. that one you call "leading on." There are girls who get so lonely when they are in a long distance relationship and they need the reminder that they are attractive to guys. She flirted with you a lot and probably liked that she had a guy flirting back with her. She wanted a boy who she could have around her shoulder just in case she needed a fall back and the movies and such could substitute the dates she was missing with her real boyfriend. It sounds like she likes you and the fact she kept it a secret that she had a boyfriend tells me that the feelings were mutual...

She sounds like she is lonely and worries that she has no guarantees that her relationship with her boyfriend will ever be anything more than long distance so she is reaching out for a friend to fill her void.
I don't think she is using you or leading you on. She is lonely and doesn't want to put her entire hopes in maybe someday her LDR will be there for her.
You have to decide do you want to be friends and see where it goes or do you feel it is better to leave her?
You need to have a conversation with her about keeping it just friends, if he doesn't come back into the picture then what, if she feels you might have a chance, etc...

I guess whether she was -trying- to lead me on... I got lead on in a sense!
Would "showing all the cards" actually be the way to do it? Because I think if I were her it'd make me feel really uncomfortable. Besides, even if she really liked me and was using me as convenient company... she wouldn't actually admit it would she! No one would I think =/

Yeah that is easy to do because you would like more but have to resist. Maybe not showing her all the cards but trying to see what cards she is holding.
I doubt she is using you BUT that does not mean that someday she won't move on in her life but that can happen in any relationship even couples that plan to get married.

Hey guys, hope you can give me a little advice on this..

It started with us liking each other at about the same time. We started going out and started getting physically intimate with each other quite soon. Then after a while she questioned whether I really liked her, because she didn't feel it. She began to say things like "we're not suitable for each other" and "youre too good for me" and "lets see each other less". I was upset, but nevertheless we continued to go out.

Then we both went over to London for college. She's a freshman and I'm year two, so I promised her I'd be there for her to guide her. I thought things were going well until a few days later, she told me (quite regretfully) that there was this guy in her course who was very nice to her, whom she thought she might be developing feelings for. She said she was sorry, but she felt that with this guy, she didn't feel a pressure to be with him, while she felt pressured to be my girlfriend. She also said that she felt secure with him, and that I was more likely to stray. (probably because I have quite a few female friends)

I tried and failed miserably to hide my displeasure. And at the same time she felt guilty as well. That was when I -think- I might have become a bit too obsessive. I bought her a gift, went over to her place and cooked lunch for her, and composed a tune and dedicated it to her. She seemed very grateful, and we still shared the same physical intimacy. But in between meetings, she'd almost never contact me.

And recently, she said maybe we should see less of each other, because seeing me makes her confused, and she'd like to concentrate on her work. She'd be busy whenever I ask her out. So the only time I see her is during dance classes. It occurred to me that I might be suffocating her with my attention. But she also mentioned before early on that I wasn't giving her enough affection. I'm torn between withdrawing attention and giving more.

I've since stopped asking about the other guy, and tried making our meetings as positive as possible. But I feel like she is definitely drifting away.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sorry guy, but how many ways does she have to tell you that she isn't as interested, as you are, before you leave her alone?? I mean completely alone, with no buts.

She isn't drifting away, she has been gone a long time.

Hi again all,

I posted an earlier thread regarding the same girl - basically we've known each other for 3 months and in those 3 months we were dating and got intimate with each other. But somewhere along the way she said she might be having feelings for another guy.

We had a long talk about it and she said she got her feelings for that guy sorted out and treats him as just a friend. Told me she still sort of likes me (she has feelings for me whenever I do something sweet), but also would like to be just friends with me first for the time being. And she's not sure if she's doing the right thing, because she fears that if she eventually misses the chance of being with me it would be her loss and she would only have herself to blame. She wants me to be happy, and is willing to stay single and not date if it makes me happy. She would feel really sad if I went off with another girl.

I guess 3 months really is too fast for a solid relationship to develop, so she's right to slow things down. So basically she doesn't want to be with me romantically for now but she's leaving possibilities open. I guess I have 2 choices:

1) Tell her I need to protect my heart from further hurt and walk away from her life for the time being, until I get over my feelings for her or
2) remain close friends with her. She would very much prefer this of course but it also means that I'd be hanging in there, hoping for the day she decides to change her mind, possibly exposing my heart to more hurt.

I really love her a lot, and while I know option 1) is the best for me, it would seriously upset and hurt her quite a bit. And it would probably kill all chances of us ever being together.

Thanks for reading! Opinions ?

I think perhaps you have this situation pretty sussed! but don't want to admit it to yourself.

Go with the first option,she does not care enough about you to let you go, but wants to keep you as a just in case!

Is that who you are? Someone's plan b?

Move on and start no contact.

I.. er... left out one rather important detail - we're also dance partners in our school team. So to choose option one would pretty much mean I drop out of the team!

That does put a spanner in the works!

You need to tell her your decision,but as you have to dance together,your relationship is strickly on the dance floor.

"We had a long talk about it and she said she got her feelings for that guy sorted out and treats him as just a friend."

I don't think so.

"Told me she still sort of likes me"

SORT OF LIKES YOU?? That would never be good enough for me. Actually it's a smack in the face. Your face should be red thanks to her.

"But also would like to be just friends with me first for the time being."

Then respect her wishes and tell her the two of you are just friends and nothing more. You both are single and can do as you well please from now on.

"And she's not sure if she's doing the right thing, cos she fears that if she eventually misses the chance of being with me it would be her loss and she would only have herself to blame."

She did miss the chance. This is lame. If she weren't sure, she wouldn't let you know until she gave it a good thought. Don't fall for this one!

"She wants me to be happy, and is willing to stay single and not date if it makes me happy."

Yeah? A girl once told me she would not be with me for now, but when she is ready to marry, she will contact me and I will be the one she marries. Make any sense? Neither does this.

"She would feel really sad if I went off with another girl."

Yeah Right. How sad can she get when she is taking that risk? I guess she doesn't think you're worth too much. I'd ditch her even faster for that line.

"I guess 3 months really is too fast for a solid relationship to develop, so she's right to slow things down."

It may be too fast for a solid relationship to have been established but I don't think it's ever too fast for one to develop. Big difference. That has nothing to do with it.

"So basically she doesn't want to be with me romantically for now but she's leaving possibilities open."

SHE'S LEAVING POSSIBILITIES OPEN BECAUSE SHE Doesn't WANT TO BE WITH YOU NOW, BUT MAYBE WHEN SHE FEELS LIKE IT, HER PUPPY CAN BE WAITING FOR HER? Unbelievable!!

What choices? There is only one. Find someone else and put yourself respect first! You deserve better!

I..er...left out one rather important detail - we're also dance partners in our school team. So to choose option one would pretty much mean I drop out of the team!

What's more important to you? Being on the team as her partner, or having to suffer in silence because she thinks your okay with the friends thing, even though she KNOWS you want more.

Ever consider she is keeping you around to have a partner, and stay on the team herself? I would get another partner, AND leave her alone.