I have always had massive fear of really committing to someone and letting them in, I have been very attracted to people but as soon as I find out they feel the same and want a relationship I've backed off, shut down and found some excuse to get out of it. (this commitment issue doesn't make me promiscuous or give me any sort of problems with friendships by the way). It always happens in the same way, little thoughts in my mind that I can't stop, start listing all the things I don't like about the person, I tell myself I don't find them attractive, I tear them to little bits and rerun all their imperfections and start to think I don't even find them attractive.

I ended a two year relationship, my first "proper" relationship and the first time I actually managed to break the pattern and have a relationship. When we first started dating the little commitment phobic voice started up, as I described above! And I was so determinded to fight it off it was months before I realised... actually in this case, you really weren't that into him. It wasn't just the commitment thing. It was scary to realise that in my effort to finally stop letting commitment issues rule I'd actually missed obvious signs that I wasn't even in to someone (ALL my friends and family were completely unsurprised when it ended as they could all tell it wasn't right for me)

Now it seems I only managed not to run from that relationship because it wasn't truly scary or letting someone in as I wasn't even in love with him, and therefore wasn't fully invested in it. I've met a new guy just before I left my ex partner who I fell hard for and had a very intense few weeks talking constantly and feeling completely fascinated with and attracted too... he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so we did nothing physical but it was obvious how we felt. I felt blown away by the strength of feeling. A few months later we had both ended it with our partners and got together.

So now I am in this fledging relationship and its incredably hard. The commitment phobia is back now that there's nothing standing in our way telling me I don't really like him that much, picking out all his flaws and things I don't like, and its awful.I'm not naturally a critical person but the commitment phobia points out ever single flaw in the other person, and I can't switch it off. He has no such issues and is utterly smitten. I would love so much to feel unadulterated feelings for someone without my issues ruining them and ripping them to bits. WE are having a very intense relationship where we constantly are close as close or we're fighting because we're both so raw and insecure about this. He keeps telling me I intermitantly block him out or go cold, that I NEVER initiate conversations about feelings or tell him how I feel about him. It's all completely true, I don't even know how to begin to change.

And my deepest fear is, what if the commitment phobic voices in my head are actually right? (like they were about my ex) and I actually don't like him in the way I should. I can't lead him on and waste his time because he knows how he feels. I don't know if asking to take a break from this would help, since I assume being away from him would give me a sensation of distance which would calm me down and make me feel 100% again, and when I am with him next I will flip right back to the usual drill.

I'm 27 now and I feel like I must get rid of this issue... I must at least learn to tell the difference between commitment phobic voices and my actual feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone including myself.

Please please help, if anyone has any ideas about what I should do, or any comments, whether you have direct experience or not I would be so so grateful.

Must have been rooted to your childhood. One of the best things to fight this commitment phobia is choosing the right man. When I say right man: I mean single unattached, you know what are the rest... I was like this but I got 2 gentlemen who made me believe in relationships.

Other factor is, you haven't met your match yet.

If you don't want to hurt anyone, just be honest. "You are great but I am a commitment phobic so I have a tendency to just "fly". Are you or not?

See Simon Cowell, he's very much vocal that he doesn't a plan to marry anyone. Terry Seymour, his GF of 7 yrs knows about it. No blaming in the end. Everything is clear as the sun.

I'm 27 now and I feel like I must get rid of this issue....I must at least learn to tell the difference between commitment phobic voices and my actual feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone including myself.

Please please help, if anyone has any ideas about what i should do, or any comments, whther you have direct experience or not i would be so so greatful.
Hi Goldfrapp,
Chances are that your phobia distorts your ability to make good judgments about people. That explains the guy who all your friends and family saw didn't fit, but with whom you had a relationship for two years. It also suggests that you go easy with your current relationship, letting him know that you are working on yourself, which he might understand and appreciate.

The good news is that you decided to break your phobic pattern; you just chose the wrong person the last time. But you broke the pattern!

A next step is to unravel the pattern instead of fighting it. By "unravel" I mean break it down into bite-sized pieces and address one piece at a time. That way, the part of your mind that makes the phobia happen can preserve its safety while creating new options for you. Because of the near-hostile way people typically approach themselves in situations like this, ("I hate myself!") safety is a big deal in the resolution process; you need to make sure that you are addressing yourself with kindness and patience. With some work, you can resolve this.

If you would consider a new working model and some principles, the ideas below will get you started unraveling the seemingly unmanageable knot of the phobia. Once in movement, you can get more support regarding how to complete the process. If you get truly stuck, you can always get to a good therapist who specializes in phobias.


The phobia is a survival mechanism that you developed (or copied from someone else) in response to some problematic conditions in your childhood. It most likely worked in its original setting, or at least it was the best you could do with the resources and choices you had at the time. You learned how to to do this well; the problem is that you learned it too well. A good conjecture would be that this had to do with abandonment, but only you can know what it was.
A part of your mind has the job of carrying out this phobic pattern (in the "parts" model, one looks at each human mind as a community of parts, or sub-personae, rather than a single, consistent individual; this explains why people talk with themselves. I can give you more on this if you need). This part is working on the original problem, the problem it was created to handle, and it is working on your behalf.
Since this part of your mind is doing its job, the job for which it was created,any attack on its function will activate its defenses; it will fight for survival. That's why your attempt to break the pattern eventually wore out. You can't outlast or outsmart your unconscious mind.
The pattern has become maladaptive because, instead of protecting you, it is hindering your life. But its original intention, presumably to protect you from a loss, is still valid.
If you think of it as old software that worked in its time and was the best possible choice in its time, you can address "unraveling" the pattern as simply "updating" the software. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you; you are just running an obsolete program.
The part that operates on this software doesn't know that you are now 27, that you have other resources that you didn't have as a child (experience, knowledge, self-reliance) and doesn't have a clock or calendar to show it how many years have passed. It just runs whenever it gets relationship signals that trigger its activation, e.g., closeness.
It also doesn't know that it has an opportunity to update its function without losing any of its effectiveness. Because of the way all people contextualize problems like this, it has considered any approach to changing as a threat to its function and even its existence.
Resolution comes when this part of you learns how to update its function with no loss. It's about new learning.


The task is to communicate with this part of your mind so that you can acknowledge it for doing its job, get it to realize it that its method has become problematic, and negotiate an update. One way to do this is by talking with yourself, creating a quiet, comfortable, safe place in your mind in which you can have a dialog. You might visualize yourself as a child and start a conversation, or you might just sit quietly and ask your unconscious mind to reveal to you what it is willing to reveal, or you might ask this specific part if it is willing to talk with you in consciousness.

Then, be quiet. Listen to your own mind. Turn a gentle gaze within. Don't judge, evaluate, or reject any of that which follows. Whatever comes up is valid. Everybody has their unique way of representing themselves to themselves. You might get a picture, a feeling, or dialog from your inner voice. It might seem weird, and it might seem that you are just imagining whatever comes, but indulge the exploration as long as you feel safe. Let yourself know a little more about what is at the root of this phobia and trust your self to discover ways to unravel it.

If you get this far, you will gain some insight. If the dialog leads to discovering a solution, let me know. If not, there's much more, but acting on these suggestions will start a new learning process in you. BTW, this procedure is called reframing, and is a safe, proven, basic tool in NLP (neurolinguistic programming).

Bottom line: You created this phobia and you can resolve it. There is no reason to not have a close, comfortable, and lasting relationship with someone who loves you and whom you love. Just do the inner work. If you can't complete it on your own, there is plenty of help around you.