My story is a bit complicated so il try and get straight to the point. I was/am married, approx 2 years ago me and my husband split up and I started seeing this guy, we dated for approx 1 month then ended up splitting and me going back to my husband.

He broke up with me saying he wasn't ready for a relationship etc etc and I was gutted but got myself together and decided that I wanted to give my marriage another go. Me and my husband got back together and everything was fine, but every 3 months my ex would text me asking how I am etc etc. For the 1st 9 months I ignored him and then after that I text him back saying I was OK. He asked to meet up for a beer and I said yes sure. When we met we ended up kissing.To cut a long story short my ex was asking me to get back with him and I was saying no as he hurt me last time, I do love my husband and really need to get the passion back in our relationship.

I met my ex a few more times over the next 9 months (approx 4 times) and we kissed but nothing more, he was saying he still loved me and wanted me back. I found out that he was seeing so many women whilst pleading to get back with me. Now I know your going to think I've got a husband so why am I bothered, it just really hurt me that he was saying one thing and doing another.

Last month I found out he was going round to a friends house (a mate he has know since high school). He told me there was nothing going on with them (I saw her posts to him on Facebook and there obviousley was) anyway, I found out tonight (he told me that they slept together about one month ago, I'm just totally gutted). He says that its me he loves and not her, that he thinks of me everyday and wants us to get back together. It the lies that get me the most, saying he wasn't with her for all that time when he was.

I know I'm going to get a lot of flack saying that I shouldn't care and that I'm married, I haven't seen my ex since Nov, I have kept my distance because of my marriage, what I want to know is why does it hurt me that he is with all these other woman when at the same time he is trying to get back with me?? Im trying hard to make my marriage work and that's why I've stayed away for 5 months. My husband is the kindest person I've met, whereas my ex is a complete liar.

Why am I bothered what my ex does when I really don't love him??

People do not realize it but when they become intimately involved in a relationship, no matter how bad, they create a spiritual and emotional bond that even when the relationship is over they can find they still have strong feelings (usually in their heart and/or gut) that hurt when realities of their separation become more real to them.

I really don't think I love my ex, the last time we met I just looked at him and thought "no i have no physical attraction to him really" it was probably the attention thing. I know I need to be getting this attention off my husband not my ex.

Ive stayed away from my ex for 5 months, just in contact via text, why does it hurt me that he slept with his long time friend one month ago then?? The thing is I asked him to be straight with me and he was, and then I blew at him for being straight!!

The thought of them together in bed is now in my mind and I'm really hurting inside, it feels like he has cheated on me. This happened at the same time he was asking me to give him another chance. The thing is that he still goes round to this woman's house to see hr and her daughter, but says that she likes him but he has told her that he isn't interested (I don't know if that's true) he has told me so many lies over the years I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Im hurt and my heart is broken, but why is it when I don't think I love him??

No you most probably don't but the bond is still there or you wouldn't feel that way. The only other thing I can think that it could be is the 'if I can't have him nobody gets him' mentality but that is usually somebody that is mentally unstable or has self image or security issues.

No you most probably don't but the bond is still there or you wouldn't feel that way. The only other thing I can think that it could be is the 'if I can't have him nobody gets him' mentality but that is usually somebody that is mentally unstable or has self image or security issues.

I am quite down on myself latley and have had a lot of horrible things happen to me and I think that is why I think I let him treat me this way. He texts me and I respond then he won't reply for maybe a day or two, he is always hurting me and the other day he called me a liar and that I was crying wolf (iv got a cancer scare at the mo and because I wouldn't tell him what's wrong with me then me called me these horrible names.) Ive got a lump the size of a golf ball and haven't been to docs as I'm too scared

I think that he thinks that I will always be around so that's why he treats me like crap

You say you do not love the x and you want your marriage to work so YES you do have to distance yourself but you can't do it passively. If you do it passively the x will think you are just playing hard to get. You need to tell him flat out no more texts, no more contact of any kind. Don't reply or respond in any way after that. You don't love him so why play the cat and mouse game??
Then if you don't have contact you don't have updates that upset you.

You say you do not love the x and you want your marriage to work so YES you do have to distance yourself but you can't do it passively. If you do it passively the x will think you are just playing hard to get. You need to tell him flat out no more texts, no more contact of any kind. Don't reply back or respond in any way after that. You don't love him so why play the cat and mouse game???

That's the thing, I've been thinking this myself. Why play this game as I only end up wanting to find out about what he has been up to and end up getting hurt. Like I asked him if he had slept with her and he said yes, he can't love me if he is sleeping with her can he?

You are married so you shouldn't care WHO he sleeps with.
That is the bond I am talking about. You are still emotionally hung up on him. You can't break the bond so you NEED to totally break all ties and curiosity.

I know I should be concentrating on my marriage and not him, he has just rang me and said that they both got drunk (and it felt right at the time) but he told her he just wanted to be mates with her

I know I need to cut all ties with him, I'm going to try, but why is it so hard

I know people are going to think I'm a selfish cow, but I do love my husband dearly and he means the world to me. I just need to let go of this guy once and for all. I did it for 9 months after we broke up but seem to find it harder this time. My husband deserves better than this and I want to be the wife that I once was.

I need to know why I feel like I do,so that I can do something to stop me feeling this way and forget this guy. Its like he is a drug, the thing is that I've no real desire to meet him, all we have done is text for past few months as I make excuses not to meet up.

So why the hell is my heart broken when he slept with an old friend, and why is he still going round to her house every other day, even thouh they say that they are just back as mates, I'm got depressed over my mixed emotions

Why do I feel flaming depressed so badly about this? My ex is a constant liar so I could never trust him even if we got together like he wanted, sorry to keep harping on, I'm so low at the mo its unreal

loulou1978;1659600]I need to know why I feel like I do,
Because your jealous at the thought he can be happy without you, and your very selfish.

so that I can do something to stop me feeling this way and forget this guy.
CUT OFF ABSOLUTELY ALL CONTACT FROM EACH OTHER!

Its like he is a drug, the thing is that I've no real desire to meet him, all we have done is text for past few months as I make excuses not to meet up.
See above response. Addicted people have to be separated from their drug to detox. This means you!!

So why the hell is my heart broken when he slept with an old friend, and why is he still going round to her house every other day,
That's how selfish you are, and why your jealous, you expect him to be sitting home crying over you, and he isn't. Seems he has a life without you. How dare he!!

even thouh they say that they are just back as mates, I'm got depressed over my mixed emotions
Who cares, its none of your business what he does is it?? If you stop contacting this fellow, and put as much thought, and action into being a good wife, your might deserve the good man you married.

You got life, and BS, all mixed up, and need to straighten your thinking out, so your action don't stink to high hell.

I think that was a bit harsh, I do not expect him to be sitting at home waiting for me tbh, its him that contacts me not the other way round more often than not.

Im no a selfish person, I think that is a wrong judgement personally, I have pointed out that I made a mistake kissing this guy and want to try and make my marriage work. Im not a horrible person and I DO love my husband, I just need to get the passion back in our 10 yr relationship.

Its like I want to keep in contact with this guy as sometimes but not many times is nice to me, he says he loves me and wants to be with me and then sleeps with all these other women, that's what I can't understand. His actions and his words don match up.

I was waiting for someone to come on and call me all the names under the sun as above and slate me, I understand everyone has there own opinions and I do appreciate everybodys comments even though some are hurtful.

I just want to know how I stop these feelings for the ex, I've told him to stop texting me etc etc but he still does, I really don't want to have to change my number but feel I may come to that

My ex has just rung me in floods of tears saying that it is me that he loves and wants me back?? This is exactley what I mean, I'm trying to move on and this is what happens. Im going to have to get a new mobile number

Loulou1978;1659652]I think that was a bit harsh, I do not expect him to be sitting at home waiting for me tbh, its him that contacts me not the other way round more often than not.

You still take his calls don't you? Then your allowing the contact and not stopping it.


Im no a selfish person, I think that is a wrong judgement personally, I have pointed out that I made a mistake kissing this guy and want to try and make my marriage work. Im not a horrible person and I DO love my husband, I just need to get the passion back in our 10 yr relationship.

Really, and you think by allowing him to distract you, and keep you from focusing on your husband, you'll get the passion back? I really don't believe that and think your making excuses and you love the attention this dude gives you.


Its like I want to keep in contact with this guy as sometimes but not many times is nice to me, he says he loves me and wants to be with me and then sleeps with all these other women, that's what I can't understand. His actions and his words don match up.

Your married and unavailable, geez, what's a guy supposed to do when your not there?? Come on, your jealous, and he is single, and can sleep with whom he wants. Its all about the attention he gives you. You can't let it go can you? Don't answer that, your actions don't match your words either.


I was waiting for someone to come on and call me all the names under the sun as above and slate me, I understand everyone has there own opinions and I do appreciate everybodys comments even though some are hurtful.

Haven't called you any names, merely pointed out what I think you have written, but NO, I don't like cheaters, and that's exactly what your doing and insulting everyone intelligence, by making it seem like the ex is the one being the bad guy and your just an innocent victim of circumstances. Your not, your doing your best to keep this guy around and keep it going, and your jealousy is obvious. That's selfish, to expect him to just give you what you want, just because your married and think you have power over him. What's worse, your actions are not that of someone trying to be a better wife and work on your marriage, but of someone who doesn't give a crap about the husband and thinks they can do as they please, outside the marriage and take no responsibility for their actions as long as you can blame it on someone else. That's arrogant of you.


I just want to know how I stop these feelings for the ex, I've told him to stop texting me etc etc but he still does, I really don't want to have to change my number but feel I may come to that

You have the perfect answer already, STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE EX. It doesn't get any simpler than that, and if your for real about mending your marriage... you would have done it already, and done away with the excuses.

This guy ("the ex") is a player. He's amusing himself with you, as you are with him.

If you truly gave a **** about your husband, you wouldn't be giving a **** about what or who the other guy is doing.

Something is obviously lacking in your marriage. You are not going to fix it by bringing in another man on the side.

Tal is right. You have to cut off contact. Delete the texts before you read them. Do not answer the calls. It's that simple. You just don't want to.

Why? Because it's a thrill for you.

You're jealous of the other women because it hurts your ego.

Concentrate on yourself and your marriage and cut contact with this other guy.

I feel for your husband.

This guy ("the ex") is a player. He's amusing himself with you, as you are with him.

If you truly gave a **** about your husband, you wouldn't be giving a **** about what or who the other guy is doing.

Something is obviously lacking in your marriage. You are not going to fix it by bringing in another man on the side.

Tal is right. You have to cut off contact. Delete the texts before you read them. Do not answer the calls. It's that simple. You just don't want to.

Why? Because it's a thrill for you.

You're jealous of the other women because it hurts your ego.

Concentrate on yourself and your marriage and cut contact with this other guy.

I feel for your husband.

I feel for my husband too and know he deserves better than this hence me writing this thread. I do love my husband very much and I know we need to get that spark back into our marriage. I understand that I won't help by keeping in touch with this guy. When he rung me last night he was in floods of tears.

I know people are going to think that I get what I deserve, but I'm not a bad person I'm just a lady that has got in a rut and wants to be happy again. The ex will leave me alone when he has found a new lady but when he gets bored he comes back to me telling me he loves me etc etc. I don't know why I asked if he slept with the long time friend of his, part of me wanted to know I suppose and hoped he say no I think. That's the thing, I don't expect him to stay in single, its him who is asking me for a relationship not the other way round.

I have a nice husband, sports car, nice big house, go on nice holidays (we are going to new zealand and oz in a few eeks for a month) but I'm just not happy and fulfilled like most people would that had this.
I don't want to hurt my husband, he is my priority even though some people don't think so, I know that the ex is using me, he told me that he was going on holiday when in fact he was meetng his girlfriend last year.

Im so confused and know that the best and only real thing to do to stop this is NC, I'm just so confused to why I would be drawn to my ex who gave me nothing, lied to me, and was generally abusive to me when I have a fantastic hubby at home. Im completley nuts I know but that's how I feel

Thanks for all your replys so far

You keep saying your not a bad person but you're a confuse one.

I thought you was trying to rebuild your marriage, what happen to that? You are going backward instead of forward and this is helping your marriage how?

You need to get on point and stop cheating because kissing a guy behind your husband back is cheating.

This guy wasn't ex but someone you had an affair with. He done move on and is free to sleep with whoever he wants. Maybe counseling is in order here. The only thing I saw in your posts were things about this guy but not your husband and it doesn't seems like your really that focus on him and if you aren't you should leave him alone by leaving for good. The only thing I saw you write about your husband is " I have a nice husband, sports car, nice big house, go on nice holidays (we are going to new zealand and oz in a few eeks for a month) but im just not happy and fulfilled like most people would that had this".

Your not over this guy because you love him and that is why your maintaining contact with him behind your husband back and writing things like "this guy want a relationship with me, he calls me,etc". You have a part in it too and is of blame. You sound like a selfish person that wants her cake and ice cream too but you want this guy to be only committed to you. He would be a fool to do that especially since your married.

I'm not saying you're a bad person at all.

I just strongly disagree with carrying on extra-marital affairs--physically and/or emotionally.

You're right about the other guy using you when he's bored. You're doing the same thing. Maybe not because you're bored, but you are "unfulfilled" and you're fixated on this other guy to solve your problems. You know he won't.

I think you're looking for happiness in someone else, and you know you can't do that because you're the only one who can make you happy. You can't look to someone else to do that.

Maybe some soul-searching is in order to figure out what you want out of life and what would make you fulfilled---a career, hobbies, children whatever it may be. The answer lies in you, not in someone else. Best wishes

You hit the nail on the head I think survivor, I only kissed this guy twice (and I know thts twice too many times before it gets said), he wanted me for sex but I said I couldn't. I am unfulfilled and think I may be trying to find that fulfilment in this guy for some reason rather than my husband.

Like I said I do love my husband and thinking of my life without him makes me sad. I think I have realised that men like my hubby don't come along too often, people are always telling me how lucky I am too have a guy like him. I think I may have taken him for granted after nearly 10 yrs together.

Ive told the other guy that I think we need to stop contacting each other and he said fine but I know he will get back in touch in a few weeks out of the blue.

I should be looking forward to my trip of a lifetime in 4 weeks with my hubby, and I do think it will be a good thing as to give me a little distance from the ex and a time to spend some quality time with the hubby. I don't suppose that you really appreciate what you really have until its too late, and many people feel the grass is always greener on the otherside.

As for others saying that I expect him too be single and a my beck and call, nothing could be further from the truth, id love him too meet someone and be happy, it's the ex that likes to contact me more often than not. I understand that the ex is single and can do as he pleases, but what hurts me is that hefeels the need to tell me everything about the other women when he knows it hurts me. Its like he is doing it out of spite because I won't be with him. He says that these other women mean nothing and he does not love any of them like he loves me. He says he thinks of me everyday, where I am and what I'm doing etc etc.

I need to be strong and do NC and stick to it

The other guy sounds immature. It doesn't sound like love either. How could it be? You were with him for a month during a separation from your husband, at the end of which he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship. You haven't had sex. You kissed. It just doesn't make sense.

You then go back to your husband... why? Because you were afraid of being alone? Or because you really missed/love your husband?

Then you stayed in contact with this other guy while attempting to save your marriage. Impossible. No wonder you feel the way you do right now.

If he was a decent man, he would leave the married woman alone.

He's a waste of your time. He likes to tell you about other women, and you listen! Why? If it hurts, then don't have any contact with him. That's the point of NC. Especially because you are married!!

You cannot have true intimacy with your husband while you're thinking of this other guy. If you had done NC when you reunited with your husband from the beginning, this guy wouldn't be an issue now.

The best thing for you to do is have a heart to heart with your husband while you're on your vacation. Tell him how you feel, about how the spark has been missing and that you want to get it back, as long as that is really what you want. If you don't and you don't love him, then you need to tell him that, too.

It takes two for the marriage to work.

Just be honest. Your husband deserves that.

Thank you for you reply again, me and the hubby have had the "where has the spark gone" talk so many times, and its fine for the few weeks after the talk but then goes back to how it used to be. Its like I'm living with my brother not lover, we sleep in separate bedrooms (coz he snores) not because we don't want to sleep together. We spend no time together and I feel like we have no physical intimacy.

When I got my with my husband after we split the other guy was calling me and I did NC with him for 9 MONTHS!! I was so proud of myself and was slowley and very slowley moving on. Everyday for the 9 months I thought of this guy and what he was doing etc, I'm so mad that I had a weak point and gave in to answer his texts. He will use any excuse to text me, e.g. a friend of ours passed away and thought I should know which was kind of him but just put me back ten steps.

Why can't I get the ex out of my head? Its been over two yrs since we split and I still thing of him everyday? But when we met up last approx 5 months ago I looked at him and thought that I don't fancy him hence me thinking this could be a case of it's the trill of the chase? But it does hurt me when he sleeps with others and rubs it in.

My husband is a good man, he will do anything for me and vice versa and if I could get this ex out of my life then we may have a fighting chance. I know that the ex is a compulsive liar (even his friends warned me over this) he just tells lie after lie, what hurts me me the most is that he told me he was just mates with this woman and then went and slept with her, I know I have no hold on what he does but its just the lying that kills me. I have found out he lies to me about loads of things from tiny little white lies to massive ones, what is really annoying is that even if I didn't have a hubby and say wanted to make a life with my ex, I just couldn't trust him so then that makes me think then what is all this about? Why am I even bothering with him when even if I did get together with him, if I wasn't married then I wouldn't be able to trust him? How silly does that sound.

I know that I need to put the effort that I'm using with the ex into building my marriage, oh I forgot to put in the above post that when I ask my ex why does he keep in contact he says that we have a bond, that he just can't walk away from me?

If I'm honest with myself which I try to be otherwise il get know where, I think the ex is using me as a filler in between girls, I'm so hurt and need to start this NC asap.

Thanks again for your help and sorry about the rambling on xx

I'll try to explain what I was trying to get across in another way and see if it helps any better. You are romanticising the past with him and remembering all the good times. Maybe he was even more exciting than your current husband BUT you need to remember WHY you broke up. IF you get back with him or even get involved with him enough to ruin your marriage the result most probably will be that you will regret that you kept playing this game with him because you will once again see (relive) exactly why you left him in the first place.

What do you think your husband would say about your guy on the side. Think he will take you on a monthly holiday? Or ride in your snazzy sports car?

That's one of the things that bothers me most, is how you take your husband for granted, and have so much emotion for boy toy.

What do you think your husband would say about your guy on the side. Think he will take you on a monthly holiday? Or ride in your snazzy sports car?

Thats one of the things that bothers me most, is how you take your husband for granted, and have so much emotion for boy toy.

I DO NOT take my husband for granted, I have made a mistake and are trying tp put things right, all you seem to do is put me down rather than try and help me. I thought this site was for helping people not hurting them even more than they are hurting? Maybe I'm wrong. Ive told the BOY TOY as you so nicley put it that I don't want to see or hear from him again and he has done that for the past couple of days but I know he will be back in a few weeks. That's MY PROBLEM - I tell him to leave me alone but he won't and then pulls on my emotional strings to get me to contact him.

Im not a bad person and I'm trying very hard to make this marriage works and not take the easy option of running away, it was my idea to book the holiday back in Nov when he contacted me again as I thought the break and distance would do me and my hubby good.

I can 200% say that il never ever meet this ex again, but if he won't stop texting me etc what can I do. He has even told me that he has come to my house some nights and sits outside. In June when it was my birthday he bought me a pressie and at that point he had not even seen me for a few months so he came to my house and saw that me and hubby were in and decided to go home and give the gift to his mum. This was at the time he had a girlfriend as well.!

I'll try to explain what I was trying to get across in another way and see if it helps any better. You are romanticising the past with him and remembering all the good times. Maybe he was even more exciting than your current husband BUT you need to remember WHY you broke up. IF you get back with him or even get involved with him enough to ruin your marriage the result most probably will be that you will regret that you kept playing this game with him because you will once again see (relive) exactly why you left him in the first place.

Nohelp4u, thanks for your comment, I understand now more clearly your valid point. I wish there were a lot of good times that we had but most of the time he treated my like poo and ignored my texts whe we were together. We broke up because he couldn't commit (one week after sleeping with me), he said that he had too much in his head to deal with me and that he still loved me but couldn't give 100% to me. Ive since heard that he does this with all his girlfriends, he gets involved and then when things get serious he bails out and runs to the hills. When the split happened it was a wake up call for me, I assessed my life and what I wanted and realised that id been a fool to leave my hubby. I was honest with my hubby and told him about this guy and he said he too wanted to try again and move on which we did until 9 months later when the ex was calling me again.

This is the crazy thing about this whole mess, I don't even want the other guy deep down, I wish he would leave me alone and let me try and build my marriage, but after a few weeks of NC he is back texting me etc saying that we have this bond etc?

I'm just having a moment of weakness so thought it would be better for me to ranr on here then call the ex. Ive suggested that me and the hubby go to the pics tomorrow which we haven't done for years, the only quality time we spend together is walking the dog at night!! This is why I get so down, I've recently lost my job so have way too much time on my hands which is making me and my mind go into overtime wondering mode.

Excellent move, coming here instead of the ex. Also recognizing a problem (to much time on your hands) is half the solution.

There is much hope for you, as your figuring out ways to make yourself happy. Keep going.

Excellent move, coming here instead of the ex. Also recognizing a problem (to much time on your hands) is half the solution.

There is much hope for you, as your figuring out ways to make yourself happy. Keep going.

Thank you for your encouragement, I don't want to hurt my hubby, that's the last thing I want. He has been there for me through thick and thin and I very much appreciate what he has done for me. My ex would never have done half the things my hubby does for me, the ex can't be relied on at all, he runs at the first sign of a problem then appears when he thinks all is well and good.

Ive got way too much time on my hands, due to me being made redundant I've not got loads of cash to splash so I try and do free things like walk the dog etc etc and it helps whilst I'm doing that but then I get home and realise that my problems are still there.

My ex hasn't contacted me in 2 days but I know that he is just biding his time tbh, he says we have a bond and that he loves me like he has loved no other etc etc

I agree with the earlier statement of you romanticizing the time you had with your "ex". You just really miss the excitement, the attention--NOT HIM.

Try to quit dwelling on the words "have a bond and he loves me". They're just words. They're crap.

Continue to work on your bond with your husband.

You said you told your husband about this guy when you reunited. I'm betting you have not told him about the texts, etc. because if you could, and if you TRULY did want the texts to stop, your husband might be willing to give him a good earful next time he calls.

I also think it's creepy if he's sitting outside your house (if that's even true. You said he's a liar). The guy sounds like a nut.

He's definitely a player. He's playing headgames with you. Stop letting him. Can't you block his number from your phone?

I still like the idea of having hubby answer the next call. He, he

Survivor07;1665595]I agree with the earlier statement of you romanticizing the time you had with your "ex". You just really miss the excitement, the attention--NOT HIM.

Try to quit dwelling on the words "have a bond and he loves me". They're just words. They're crap.

Continue to work on your bond with your husband.

You said you told your husband about this guy when you reunited. I'm betting you have not told him about the texts, etc. because if you could, and if you TRULY did want the texts to stop, your husband might be willing to give him a good earful next time he calls.

I also think it's creepy if he's sitting outside your house (if that's even true. You said he's a liar). The guy sounds like a nut.

He's definitely a player. He's playing headgames with you. Stop letting him. Can't you block his number from your phone?

Thanks for your reply, yes he has been too my house, he told my friend things he would only know if he came to my house. Ive not told my hubby about the calls because he would get mad and I don't want that to happen. The guy is a nut, he just uses me as a stop gap when he isn't got other women and then says that these other women mean nothing to him.

Your right when you say it's the excietment that I miss not him, as I'm not physically attracted to him and he is a nutter, but a nutter that gives me attention and tells me he loves me. The ex turned round to a mate of mine and says that he likes playing head games and that he has had a lot of practice in his life of it so is very good at it?? I can't believe he would brag about that.

He just isn't a generally nice person either, last week he called me a liar and that I'm crying wolf when I told him I'm not well and very scared about my health, just because I didn't want to tell him what was wrong with me (cancer scare), he told one of my male friends that "he can have me" and that he would nenver ever go back to me again, never ever!! He just opens his mouth and says nasty things to me and then thinks he can these apologise and say sorry later. I mean imagine how I felt, I'm sat here with a cancer scare and he turns round and calls me a liar.I think it is very childish behaviour.

He likes playing head games and that he has had a lot of practice in his life

This right here should be enough to warn you to not even answer any messages from him.
Look at him as a threat and his mission is to screw your life up. Sounds like he is out for revenge for whatever reasons he has formed in his little mind.

he likes playing head games and that he has had a lot of practice in his life

This right here should be enough to warn you to not even answer any messages from him.
Look at him as a threat and his mission is to screw your life up. Sounds like he is out for revenge for whatever reasons he has formed in his little mind.

Do you know what Nohelp4u, that was exactley what I was thinking, maybe he is out to screw my life up? Because who would say such nasty things about me if he loved me e.g I'm crying wolf or lying because I said I was ill and couldn't tell him why (because I didn't want him to worry over me) I mean, I could have cancer for gods sake!!

He just plays mind games. He will tell me something that will hurt me and il tell him not to contact me again, so he don't do for a while and at that point he knows its killing me inside not to have him in contact. Then I get over him and he comes back.

Is it just me or is someone that brags about being good at mind games no right upstairs?? I just don't know what to think anymore, he is screwing with my mind big time

There's no doubt he is creepy but this is what happen sometimes with the people you let into your life.

To be honest I wouldn't put anything past him because who knows if and when he is going take his creepiness to the next level.

To many things are happening in the news from people like him. Fatal Attraction somes to mind. I think your husband should know what is happening so he could be on the look out because you have a obsessed guy of the loose. Oh course he is going be mad, especially once he finds up you was keeping contact with this guy, but he needs to know and shouldn't be kept a secret.

Players hate it when someone gets away.

Players hate it when someone gets away.

Sorry you lost me on that one??

He hates that your not with him.

I see, he don't seem like he don't care at the moment!! He is probably away with another bit of skirt as I type, that's what gets me why am I bothered?? I get so mad at myself for letting me be bothered. Then I start thinking of them in bed together and my mind is going into overdrive. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I've read a few posts on here from people who do the same (think of there ex in bed with someone else), I nderstand that relationships are a part of life but I wish I had just not asked if he had slept with her

You need to see him for what he is, jumping from female to female whenever he wants, and he is not an ex, because he has many women and you were just one. You got played and would have been played some more had you not ended it.

When ever you think of him, that's a sign you need to find something else to do with yourself. Make a meal for your husband.

You need to see him for what he is, jumping from female to female whenever he wants, and he is not an ex, because he has many women and you were just one. You got played and would have been played some more had you not ended it.

When ever you think of him, thats a sign you need to find something else to do with yourself. Make a meal for your husband.

Yeah I need to be extra extra busy, I've already walked the dog today!! But it's the uk and its flaming freezing out there lol. I can only stay out there for so long. Ive rung the hubby and were off out to ikea tonight to look at possibly a new kitchen in the future, I know its nothing extravagant but it gets me out of the house and keeps me occupied.

Im so fed up of him playing these mind games with me, him just disappearing off the scene when he feels fit.

The way I feel at the mo I really don't know how I'm going to get through each day, its really affecting my health, I've lost so much weight, I'm 6f tall and weight just 8 stone. Most days I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning as it seems a struggle to make it through the day, what's wrong with me??

I stupidly text the ex before, saying thanks for ignoring me after you know what I'm going through at the mo with the scare. I said that he can't even text me to say hoep all goes well, just cuts off all contact with me?? He just can't be arsed replying. How can someone be that cruel. This has to be the end of this mess, I'm going to end up dead if I carry on with this.

That's it, I'm NEVER EVER going to text him again, I just get the feeling that he don't care if I live or die and that hurts like hell. He probably loves that I've texted him in the first place knowing him.

Stop dwelling on him, and start doing something good for yourself, and your husband, like get a job, or take a class, or even better, volunteer at an old folks home, or hospital and see some people who have real problems through no real fault of there own.

Now you know how harsh w can get when we think your sitting on that pity pot, don't you? HEHEHE!! Get busy.

Click on the link in my signature thats says "stickies".

Stop dwelling on him, and start doing something good for yourself, and your husband, like get a job, or take a class, or even better, volunteer at an old folks home, or hospital and see some people who have real problems thru no real fault of there own.

Now you know how harsh w can get when we think your sitting on that pity pot, don't you?? HEHEHE!!!! Get busy.

Click on the link in my signature thats says "stickies".

I know how harsh you guys can gets lol, believe me I'm the 1st peson who knows that there are so many more people out there with a lot worse cases than mine. On a good day, I can't believe the wonderful life that I have got e.g. nice house,car, hubby, mates etc etc.

Im looking for a job and I'm trying so hard but being so highly qualified I'm being told that I isn't got enough experience and I have too high level qualifications which is getting me down!!

No more pity pot for me, I'm going to live my life to the full and try and look forward to my trip which is onlly a month away, I'm sorry for my moaning, you lot have helped to see that there are so many more important people out there, people that care if I'm alive and don't have cancer!!

It just hurts when he knows what I'm going through right now and just plays his mind games, yes I told him to go away but because he told me about the woman he slept with, how does he expect me too feel, to bring her to my house and il bake her a cake. At the end of the end I just think that a simple text to say look you told me too f&*K off and I'm going to do that and I hope your OK right now and the scare don't turn out to cancer. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I will happen in a month or so when I'm rebuilding the wall so he can knock it back down. Well when he comes knocking in a month or whenever the door is going to be well and truly SHUT IN HIS UGLY FACE.

We LOVE ANGER, and RANTS, to vent.

Ahhh you are NOT bothered that he is with somebody else... you are bothered with yourself for falling for his game BUT you project the bothered onto the other woman and THINK it is that he is with her when in reality you are bothered with yourself for allowing yourself for falling for his game.

NO MATTER WHAT you need to break away because he is really enjoying his little cat and mouse game. The end is going to be you hurt and him having the last laugh.

I think that if I understood why he has to treat me badly then it would be easier for me to move on. But I don't ever think that I'm going to find that out. Everyone has arguments and yes I told him to pi%% off but who wouldn't when I found out what he had done. He always does this, he is horrible to me and then I tell him to go, and he goes and I miss him so text him and then out of spite don't reply for a week or two.

What hurts is the fact that I could be seriously ill and he don't seem to care, no text to say hope all goes well etc etc. If I had that nice text from him saying that he wishes me well then it would be easier for me to move on, but he isn't going to make anything easy for me. For him, the pain and hurt I'm going through at this point in time the better.

Im sure il survive, no pity horse for me remember!! I don't know why I care when he so clearly does not for me by way of his actions.?

I think that if i understood why he has to treat me badly then it would be easier for me to move on. But i dont ever think that im going to find that out.

That is exactly what he is banking on... YOUR NEED to find out what his real motives are.
In the meantime he is very most likely laughing that "he has you exactly where he wants you"

You need to gain the upper hand and not give a rats @$$.

That is exactly what he is banking on......YOUR NEED to find out what his real motives are.
In the meantime he is very most likely laughing that "he has you exactly where he wants you"

You need to gain the upper hand and not give a rats @$$.

You are completley correct, I text him and said text me back before 2pm or I'm moving on etc etc. He never texted me which I didn't think he would so I just dropped him a text saying... I see you have made you choice, I wish you nothing but happiness for the future, take care and goodbye.

That's my final text to him, no doubt he will text me at a later date saying that he was working so he couldn't text me or give me some excuse why he didn't text. Ive had eough of these games, I've told him this so many times. Its like it is all a big joke to him, life is far too short to be wasting on people that just want to play mind games with me I'm afraid.

I ask him what he wants from me and a couple of times he said that he wants us to get back together again, but his weird ways stopped me from doing this in the past. Its like he is with someone and then gets bored/cold feet and jumps ship. I don't think he is ready at 30 yrs old to have an adult relationship.

I need to try and concentrate on me and hubby now, its so hard not thinking of him, everything I do and everywhere I go reminds me of him. Im assuming that's natural and I'm not cracking up??

Its so frustrating having a one way text conversation with him. Ive told him I'm not ding this anymore and that I'm never going to text him again but I think he thinks I'm bluffi ng as I've always given in in the past and ended up texting him which makes me so so mad.

I need to put my mind right and be determined not to text him this time, make him see that I won't be a push over any longer in his life. How do I stop myself texting him?? Answers on a postcard please!!

When you finally start No Contact, you will start the healing process. Continuing to text him, "one more time" will keep you confused and miserable. Read those stickies!!

When you finally start No Contact, you will start the healing process. Continuing to text him, "one more time" will keep you confused and miserable. Read those stickies!!!!!!!!

That's true, when I did NC last time everyday seemed to get better and better and that's why I got so annoyed with myself when I texted him back after so long!! I could have been well on the road to recovery by now.

Any suggestions when I'm having a weak moment and go and think about texting him??

Ive been having a think about my situation, and know that when the ex comes running back in time that I will feel really bad if I don't answer his calls (I mean bad in the sense of being rude if I don't answer them) is this silly of me.

Im doing my best not to grab my phone and text him and ask him why he is treating me this way as I'm so mad!! I need to think of a way too not want to pick up the phone a give him a piece of my mind

Do something nice for you, or your husband when those feelings come up, and over time, they will fade.

I'm trying so so hard. It's the nights that are the worse, just lying there wondering what he is doing and who is with. I try blocking it out of my mind but just cant. Im considering going to the docs for sleeping tablets but don't know if that's the answer. Ive tried all these herbal remedies but they don't help at all. How do you get through the nights?? /

How many glasses of wine does it take to make the pain go away?? I'm going through a bottle a day at the moment and I'm sure that's not good when I'm not eating. I wouldn't mind but the ex has got a face that only his mother could love so why am I upset??

You have solid concrete good things so you need to focus on that.
If he calls, texts or whatever ignore it.
If you do happen to answer gain control of the conversation and don't let him wrap you around your finger.
Like if you happen to answer the phone not knowing it is him ask him why he is so desperate that he is after a happily married woman? Can't he find a free single girl of his own?
Concentrate on romance with your husband make a great candle light dinner and share the bottle of wine with him.

im trying so so hard. Its the nights that are the worse, just lying there wondering what he is doing and who is with. I try blocking it out of my mind but just cant. Im considering going to the docs for sleeping tablets but dont know if thats the answer. Ive tried all these herbal remedies but they dont help at all. How do you get through the nights??????/

Try being a wife. That is what you are. The more of your posts I read the more I feel like never getting married again. How sad. You have a husband who is so out of the picture.

When you can't sleep, cuddle with hubby. When you think of texting the loser, sit down and write your hubby a love letter.

Seriously, do you think you need a professional therapist here?

I'm not trying to be mean to you, it's just so hard to read this. Imagine what your husband would think if he knew how you were truly feeling?

How would you feel if you found out your husband had something like this going on with another woman?

I can't figure out why you are so attached/drawn to this creep. There's got to be deeper issues.

Try being a wife.
Imagine what your husband would think if he knew how you were truly feeling?

How would you feel if you found out your husband had something like this going on with another woman?

I can't figure out why you are so attached/drawn to this creep. There's got to be deeper issues.


BINGO.
She needs to do things with her husband and be there for him. The ex has to be 100% creep. She needs to realize the reality of that before its too late.

I don't understand where hubby is all day and night? Is this the problem?

He has to notice there is something going on OR more importantly what isn't going on--between him and his wife!

Maybe some background into the marital relationship, would yield some clues, as to what going on, loulou, what do you think? Feel like sharing that info with us?

Maybe some background into the marital relationship, would yield some clues, as to what going on, loulou, what do you think?? Feel like sharing that info with us?

What would you like to know? Ive been with my hubby for nearly 10 yrs and married for 4 yrs in Sept. We have no kids and are both 31. He has a very good job in building surveying and I'm currentlylooking for employment haing been made redundant.

We had a happy marriage until I met this guy approx 2 yrs ago, we were going through a bit of a rough patch and split up hence my starting a relationship with this guy. At the time friends that knew the ex told me too be careful as he tends to "attach" himself to new people that start at work. I didn't really understand what that meant at 1st but now have an idea. He pays the ladies a lot of attention when they first start, one of my friends who was married was very uncomfortable that he asked her out for a beer after work knowing she was married, now maybe I'm wrong and he was just being friendly? But she decided to go with the guy for a beer but ask her hubby to join them.

I don't think this guy has a lot of friends, he has loads of Facebook (but to me there no real friends) as he probably as never met many of them. I don't think this guy has ever had a serious relationship, the longest he has been with someone is 5 months but that was long ditance and only saw her 3 times. He was with me for approx a month and that's the longest he has been in a relationship, he tends to get cold feet and jump ship.

Im feeling OK today, I didn't sleep with phone under pillow for the 1st time in ages waiting for him to text, (hubby sleeps in other room as he snores by the way, not because I don't want to sleep with him). My mindset is now that after all he knows how much pain I'm in and the hurt that he has caused me (which I've told him) and he still don't reply, well he can't love me that much can he?

I just don't feel the spark with my hubby, we go out and try and do couple things but my mind wanders onto the other guy, like I said he has a face only his mother could love so I don't understand why I think of him. Maybe it's the chase I like?? Now that I'm not being chased then it annoys me? I really don't know, I'm just throwing some ideas into the pot. Of course it feels good to be chased, but I know I shouldn't want to be chased by any other than my hubby, and it feels like he has got me so don't bother having to make an effort.

My hubby says he loves me and I am the most important person in the world to him and I do believe him, he gves me anything that I want. We haven't been intimate for 4 months, the last time that happened was whilst we were on holiday. I mean 4 months is a very long time, I tell my hubby that it seems to me that he don't care that we don't have sex but he says that he hates it and only sleps in the back room as he snores and don't want to upset my sleep. He has been to hospital to have surgery on his nose but it didn't work.

I just don't know where to go from here, I feel that I've tried everything and am at my wits ends and some days suicidal.

Please try to find a counselor you can talk to. Maybe it's a hormonal thing and you need some meds.

Sounds like a bit of depression. There will be nothing you can do to fix that on your own without some professional help.

Tell the counselor what you've told us, especially the last part.

Remember, you're not a bad person. Just going through something you don't quite understand. It's okay to ask for help. It's a healthy thing to do that. Take care of yourself.

Yes it is most likely a hormonal thing AND you have a real person to put to your daydreaming. Unfortunately you need to let the reality hit you what this guy is really about and he is anything but your knight in shining armor --more the opposite.

I really feel like a bad person, I mean to do this to my hubby. I don't want to hurt him hence this thread. I just can't sleep at night at the moment, I think I need some sleeping tablets.

Some days I just want to die to stop all the hurt inside of me, I'm OK today, I'm having a good day and don't care if I never see the ex again. Ive ate breakfast and just eating lunch and the dog has been walked. I wish everyday I could feel this free. I know that this guy is not worth me wreaking my health for and not eating.

I'm glad you're having a good day today.

It's good that you recognize that this other guy you're focusing on is not the answer to your problem.

Just think about what I've said about getting some additional help, help you won't find here.

You are craving attention----give it to yourself.

You need to look at things realistically
With your husband you have stability and you can work on the relationship.
With this guy what do you really have and what can you realistically expect?
If you are not happy with your husband you need to work that out one way or another even if it means divorce BUT this other guy needs to be OUT of the picture no matter what.

You need to look at things realistically
with your husband you have stability and you can work on the relationship.
With this guy what do you really have and what can you realistically expect?
If you are not happy with your husband you need to work that out one way or another even if it means divorce BUT this other guy needs to be OUT of the picture no matter what.

You are corrsect, I do have stability with my hubby and don't suppose I have anything from the other guy. If I was with the other guy then I would never ever be able to trust him, id always be wondering where he is and who he is with and that's no way to be in a relationship. I know that if we did end up getting a house that I would be scared that he would leave me when things got tough and then id be left financially as well as emotionally alone. That's the silly thing about all of this, even if I did hook up with the ex then I know he couldn't be trusted?? What the hells wrong with me when I having a loving hubby at home??

I forgot to put in my last post - thank you to everyone that has replied to me, it really does make a difference knowing nthat there are people out there that are going through or have been through the same thing. At times I think I'm going to crack up under the stress of it all. Ive even cut the grass today, something that I've never ever done in my life!! Hubby will wonder what's hit me when he gets home lol xx

I can understand your need for some attention from your husband, but you have to remove the distraction of player guy, to be able to focus on the actions you take to solve your marital problems.

Cutting the grass was an excellent start, and more activities along those lines, will help a great deal. Any thing you do positively for yourself will help, until you can get a plan of expressing your honest feelings of unhappiness, to your husband.

Only then can you make a decision to keep working on this marriage or not. Cheating is never a good option.

I can understand your need for some attention from your husband, but you have to remove the distraction of player guy, to be able to focus on the actions you take to solve your marital problems.

Cutting the grass was an excellent start, and more activities along those lines, will help a great deal. Any thing you do positively for yourself will help, until you can get a plan of expressing your honest feelings of unhappiness, to your husband.

Only then can you make a decision to keep working on this marriage or not. Cheating is never a good option.

I know what I'm doing or should I say what I did is called emotional cheating and I regret that very very much. It just feels that this guy brings me down when I'm around him, he makes me into a person that I don't want to be. He just lies about every single little thing in his life and that's nots something that I want to be apart of at all. Even his mates told me to watch him as he tells lies!! And that's his mates?

I just want to be happy again, I don't want to try and be happy, I just want to be naturally happy if you understand what I'm trying to say. I understand that every relationship needs works and they don't just run smoothly without this, but I'm so fed up of trying to make myself happy, surely some part must come natural.

I know that this guy can never be trusted and that's the most silliest part of this, like I said earlier even if we ended up together I can't trust hima and know that he would scarper at the slightest problem. He is a totally different person to me, he has no qualifications and is in a dead end job and still living at home whereas, yes I'm unemployed but only through redundancy, I have a nice house, a high level of qualifications and haven't lived at home since I was 22!! That's 8 yrs ago.

He has nothing to offer me financially as well as emotionally so I'm baffled by my pain by him.

Your frustrations come from a lack of knowledge of self, as how to be happy with yourself. That's why, your DEPENDING on others to make you happy, and that never leads to anything good.

What's so telling, it always goes back to your disappointment with the so called ex, and never about the feelings for your husband.

Its an obvious pattern, and I suspect you never loved him to begin with, but loved being with him, just to have someone. Would I be right?

Your frustrations come from a lack of knowledge of self, as how to be happy with yourself. Thats why, your DEPENDING on others to make you happy, and that never leads to anything good.

Whats so telling, it always goes back to your disappointment with the so called ex, and never about the feelings for your husband.

Its an obvious pattern, and I suspect you never loved him to begin with, but loved being with him, just to have someone. Would I be right?

Didn't love who? The ex or the hubby do you mean ?

I'm assuming that you meant that I didn't love the ex ? That's a hard one, I think if I think about it long and hard I don't suppose I loved the ex, like you say it was more of I liked being with him as he made me feel special and loved. The ex said he loved me and I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with but then just bolts at the 1st hurdle.

I love my hubby very much, this is the man that I would die for time and time again and he would do the same for me.

No I didn't mean the ex, but your husband. Not being harsh, but I questioned your love for him, because I feel you don't love yourself, and are dependent on others to make you happy.

I think your so focused on the ex, that your neglecting your true self, and not addressing your own needs.

The biggest clue that I have into your actions, was how vulnerable you left yourself, to the wrong kind of attention. And honestly your focus still being on the ex, is a big red flag to me that, your not telling us something.

Just a stab in the dark, why are there no kids in your life?

I love my hubby very much, as for why haven't I had kids? I'm not really the maternal time tbh, I've always put my career and getting qualified ahead of any baby.

I do love my hubby and yes I need to start loving myself again before I can love someone else.

That brings me to, what are you doing about that career of yours? You probably think I have nothing else to do but stick my nose in everyone's business. LOL, with all the questions.

That brings me to, what are you doing about that career of yours? You probably think I have nothing else to do but stick my nose in everyones business. LOL, with all the questions.

Lol, no I appreciate your help and maybe you can help me see something I can't or that's right in front of my nose.

As for my career, it's a non starter at the mo, I'm being told I'm too qualified and that's the problem, I've not got enough experience to get the top jobs (as no one will give me the chance so it's a vicious circle) and I can't get a lower end job as I'm too qualified!!

Im trying my best to find a middle ground as I think half my problem is that I've got too much time on my hands and this is where I start to think too much and start texting the ex

What hurt me about the ex is that he told me this girl was a mate and that nothing was going on with her, he promised me then I found out that he has asked her to go away with him on vacation, asking her to go away with him at the same time asking me to get back together with him. He text me one night and said that she was a mate "but you never know what may happen between them when they go away", I mean how horrible is that!! Then a week ago I found out he slept with her approx the same time he was asking to get back with me and telling me how much he loved me and she was just a mate??

I really want to hate him, that way it will be easier for me to move on and forget him, does that sound silly.
There has been plenty of times he has been nasty to me, like I mentioned earlier in nov he said he was going abroad to rome when he was in fact at his girlfriends approx 200 miles away, he was even texting me from hers saying that he wanted babies with me!! How can a guy have the nearve to text me whilst visiting his girlfriend.

The more I think of the nasty things that he has done too me the more I'm determined to run in the opposite direction, I mean how can someone be that mean too someone they suppose to love?? Or did he love me?

He told me in aug when I met him that he was sinlge when all the time he was apparently with this girl that lived a distance away, he wanted me to sleep with him at new yr when he was still with her?? Im struggling to understand how someone could be that horrible?? I know I'm no saint but id never do anything like that. My ex says there's nowt going on with him and the girl he slept with a month ago, that when he woke up in the woke he said it didn't feel right like it did when we were together and told her he wanted to be mates. Again do I believe what he says and quite frankly do I care anymore?? I think or should I say the answer is no.

Sorry to keep ranting but the more I type aout the horrible things that my ex has done the more I hate him and find it easier to move on and be happy with a man that treats me well like hubby. My priority has to be loving myself and my hubby and trying to get this loser and liar of an ex out of my life for good. But do you know what... I know him and I know that he isn't going to go quietly

Your focus way too much energy into this guy and you need to channel that energy differently.

All I keep reading you say is my ex, my ex, my ex. You only mention your husband when someone inquire about him. Where does your husband fits into all of this?

You need to work on rebuilding your marriage because I am sure this is affecting him too. I pretty sure when the two of you are around each other he can pick up on you being distracted due to you having someone else on your mind and that's is pushing him away. The so called love of your life will be gone if you don't snap out of it.

You had an affair and you seem more in love with this guy then your own husband. If you need counseling then go get it because I can see this issue draging and draging on.

Your focus way too much energy into this guy and you need to channel that energy differently.

All I keep reading you say is my ex, my ex, my ex. You only mention your husband when someone inquire about him. Where does your husband fits into all of this?

You need to work on rebuilding your marriage because I am sure this is affecting him too. I pretty sure when the two of you are around eachother he can pick up on you being distracted due to you having someone else on your mind and that's is pushing him away. The so called love of your life will be gone if you don't snap out of it.

You had an affair and you seem more in love with this guy then your own husband. If you need counseling then go get it because I can see this issue draging and draging on.

The only reason I talk about my ex is as I said in a previous post, I just want to vent my anger at the pig he is and how he has treated me. The most I vent the more I realise what a scum bag he is and how he has played me. By writing it down on here makes it a bit more real and helps me to move on, that probably sounds daft but its seems to help me realise what a pig he is. It has nothing to do with the love I have for my hubby, I do love him very very much, if I didn't then id carry on playing this ex's games and not care if my hubby gets hurt. I don't want that, I want to be happy with my hubby, I don't know what more I can say to prove that.

Im just trying to understand something that I don't think il ever understand and like has been said in a previous post il never understand why he treats me this badly? And he wants me to stay around and try to find this out

You can start by stop being in contact with him and stop letting his life interfere with yours.

He can sleep with whoever he wants and continue living his life the way he wants.

You have your own life to live with a marriage to work on.

You can start by stop being in contact with him and stop letting his life interfere with yours.

He can sleep with whoever he wants and continue living his life the way he wants.

You have your own life to live with a marriage to work on.

You are right, I've not text him since yesterday at 3pm and that was to say that I wish you nothing but the best, take care and goodbye, I haven't text him today nor do I intend to text him tomorrow or the next day. I won't lie, the thought of him sleeping with other women hurts, but like you said he is not my problem anymore and is free to do as he pleases. I just know that he will be back sooner rather than later though. But I will be strong if not for me then for my hubby xx thanks for your reply xx

I realize you're venting about the "ex". But you keep repeating how he hurt you by sleeping with someone else when they were only "mates" = PLAYER. That's what they do. Players only love you when they're playing...

I do agree with Tal and was wondering, too, if you really love your husband at all.

Another one of your posts today was you comparing how your life would be with the "ex" and how it is with your husband.

You know, these two men aren't your only two options in life. That's what Tal means by you are depending on others to make you happy. Will not happen. If there was no 'ex' to focus on, what would you be focusing on? Maybe your marriage is over and you're afraid of going out on your own? Just a guess.

You mentioned the 'ex' couldn't take care you financially and your husband can. Is this why you're still married to him?

I'm on my own. I'm divorced. Ex husband is long gone. I make it financially by myself and manage to take care of my daughter's needs as well. That is very rewarding for me. I depend on no one for my livelihood or my happiness. It wasn't always that way. I learned.

You mentioned you can't trust the 'ex' but you can trust hubby. But I have serious doubts you're in love with your husband.

If you are and you really want your marriage to work, then you need to have that heart to heart talk AGAIN and really tell him how you feel. If you would 'die for each other' then I don't see why it's a problem being completely honest with him. It would do wonders for you. Change may occur. No matter what form it is, you need a change.

I agree with Survivor, you are contradicting yourself and that's why I wrote what I wrote.

From the outsider looking in it seems like your in love with this other guy but is trying to prove to yourself your not.

You might love your husband but are you in love with your husband? Big difference!

I realize you're venting about the "ex". But you keep repeating how he hurt you by sleeping with someone else when they were only "mates" = PLAYER. That's what they do. Players only love you when they're playing.....

I do agree with Tal and was wondering, too, if you really love your husband at all.

Another one of your posts today was you comparing how your life would be with the "ex" and how it is with your husband.

You know, these two men aren't your only two options in life. That's what Tal means by you are depending on others to make you happy. Will not happen. If there was no 'ex' to focus on, what would you be focusing on? Maybe your marriage is over and you're afraid of going out on your own? Just a guess.

You mentioned the 'ex' couldn't take care you financially and your husband can. Is this why you're still married to him?

I'm on my own. I'm divorced. Ex husband is long gone. I make it financially by myself and manage to take care of my daughter's needs as well. That is very rewarding for me. I depend on no one for my livelihood or my happiness. It wasn't always that way. I learned.

You mentioned you can't trust the 'ex' but you can trust hubby. But I have serious doubts you're in love with your husband.

If you are and you really want your marriage to work, then you need to have that heart to heart talk AGAIN and really tell him how you feel. If you would 'die for each other' then I don't see why it's a problem being completely honest with him. It would do wonders for you. Change may occur. No matter what form it is, you need a change.

I do love my hubby very much, I don't want to lose him I just feel so angy at this guy treating me like a piece of crap that I'm neglecting trying to make my marriage work and I see that now. Yes I'm dependent on my hubby financially at the mo as I've been made redundant but before that I'm the type of woman like yourself that can hold her own and never took a penny from a man even my hubby.

I need to get rid of this hurt and anger as I realise now that it is hurting me and stopping me from moving on with hubby, I know revenge isn't going to work and id love to hurt him like he has hurt me but I'm sensible enough to know that trying to get revenge will only probably cost me my marriage and he isn't worth that.

I do love my hubby and don't want to get a divorce, I didn't marry to get divorced and I do think that we can make it work if we get that spark back between us, its just getting that spark back, hopefully the trip will do us both good and give me some space away from the ex.

LOL I didn't marry to get divorced either... but that's another completely different story.

Focus on getting rid of the hurt and anger then. This sort of thing happens to people all the time. Men and women do this to each other every day. Some people are just A**HOLES. You need to get over it. Forget him. No one has to "win" here. No one has to have the last word. You are married. The ex doesn't matter or at least shouldn't matter at all!

Maybe this is the first time you've experienced someone treating you like crap. Saying one thing and doing another. Lying about loving you.

(You're doing it, too... to your husband : )

I agree with Survivor, you are contradicting yourself and that's why I wrote what I wrote.

From the outsider looking in it seems like your in love with this other guy but is trying to prove to yourself your not.

You might love your husband but are you in love with your husband? Big difference!

Even if I was in love with the ex then I know that I couldn't ever go back, he is toxic to me. He is like a drug to me if that makes sense, its like he knows the hold that he has over me and that is what he feeds off. That's why I haven't met him in 5 months, I knew if we met then he would sweet talk me and id fall deeper in his trap.

I don't think I do love the ex, he has a face only his mother could love and I'm not attracted to him physically. I think it's the chase that keeps me there.

Ive just had enough of his mind games, when he said to my friend that he was good at mind games and that he had 30 yrs of experience that really shocked me

LOL I didn't marry to get divorced either....but that's another completely different story.

Focus on getting rid of the hurt and anger then. This sort of thing happens to people all the time. Men and women do this to each other every day. Some people are just A**HOLES. You need to get over it. Forget him. No one has to "win" here. No one has to have the last word. You are married. The ex doesn't matter or at least shouldn't matter at all!

Maybe this is the first time you've experienced someone treating you like crap. Saying one thing and doing another. Lying about loving you.

(You're doing it, too.....to your husband : )

sorry survivor I didn't mean you wanted to get divorced, it must have been hell for you going through a divorce and I'm sorry if I upset you, that was not my intention.

I think the ex thinks it's a case of winners and losers in this game, but like you said nobody has to win or lose. I have my marriage to concentrate on and not him. What gets me is that I know he is just biding his time and will contact me again in a week or two give me the emotional bull sh^& to try and draw me back, giving me the usual lies of I love you, you told me to leave you alone, you are the one for me, I think of you everyday.

It happens every time, but this time I'm not falling for it xx

You didn't upset me at all. Really. I've come a long way. The divorce wasn't near the hell the marriage was : ) .

Life will throw things at you and it's how you deal with it that's important. It'll make you or break you.

Just be determined that when the ex contacts you that you WILL NOT RESPOND in any manner whatsoever. THAT is the clearest message you could send. NO CONTACT.

Use your intelligence and whatever else you can muster and DO NOT RESPOND.

Find something else to replace "him". Sleeping with the phone under your pillow at your age.. Come on. You know that's not the kind of woman you are or want to be, right? Especially with your husband there!!

Sleep with a photo of yourselves on your wedding day under your pillow! He he

You need some balance in your life. Friends, and activities, something besides the work crowd.

Volunteer work is what I recommend to show you what others are going through, and get you out of self, by being of service to others in need.

I have suspected since your first post that you had way too much time to dwell on your own problems, and had nothing to ground you to reality.

That's not a healthy view of real life, but that can change.

You didn't upset me at all. Really. I've come a long way. The divorce wasn't near the hell the marriage was : ) .

Life will throw things at you and it's how you deal with it that's important. It'll make you or break you.

Just be determined that when the ex contacts you that you WILL NOT RESPOND in any manner whatsoever. THAT is the clearest message you could send. NO CONTACT.

Use your intelligence and whatever else you can muster and DO NOT RESPOND.

Find something else to replace "him". Sleeping with the phone under your pillow at your age...! Come on. You know that's not the kind of woman you are or want to be, right? Especially with your husband there!!!

Sleep with a photo of yourselves on your wedding day under your pillow! he he

Glad I didn't offend you survivor, you seem like a strong person and I admire that, that was the person I used to be before all this happened. As for the phone thing, yes it used to be kept under my pillow but not just for him but also I used it as an alarm clock. But now I've bought a new alarm clock and for past 2 nights the mobile has been put in a draw at night.

Im feeling good again today, the sun is shining and I'm feeling OK, there are many people out there that are a lot worse off than me. Yes it still hurts that he don't care if I'm dead or alive but there's not much I can do about that I suppose so I need to be strong and get on with my life - thanks again for your advice xx

You need some balance in your life. Friends, and activities, something besides the work crowd.

Volunteer work is what I recommend to show you what others are going thru, and get you out of self, by being of service to others in need.

I have suspected since your first post that you had way to much time to dwell on your own problems, and had nothing to ground you to reality.

Thats not a healthy view of real life, but that can change.

Im trying to find new things to do to keep me busy, as I said in my last post, I'm feeling OK today and think I could climb a mountain but tomorrow maybe a different story altogether but il take tomorrow when it comes. I feel a fool for being fooled by him and his lies, it hurts when you realise that someone who said that they love you really don't know matter how much of a prat they are.

It does hurt that he don't care if I live or die but there's nothing I can about that so rather than dwelling I'm trying to keep busy - thanks tal for your help

Also, some ear plugs could help you get some sleep, next to hubby.

Also, some ear plugs could help you get some sleep, next to hubby.

Had to spread rep, Tal.

I totally agree with this statement!

Try to bring back the intimacy in your marriage.

Hi all, its been a few days now nand I'm not feeling any better. Ive been making a real effort with hubby and have got some of the spark back for now. I stupidly bought my ex a birthday pressie as it was his 30th on sat, I text him to see if he wanted me to post it so he don't have to see me and he didn't reply. I text him back and told him fine and that I'm off out with a friend for the night, he then text me back saying why are you telling me that you care then going out with another guy??

I just don't know what to do, he ignores my texts so I move on and then he texts me asking me why I'm going out with another guy. He text me and told me he loved me on sat night before he went out for his birthday, it would be nice if we could just be mates but that's never going to happen. In a moment of weakness I've been texting him and he never replied to one of my texts then texts me and asks me why I tell him I care about him and then go out with another guy??

Jeez, when are you going to see trying to make two men happy will only result in misery. Have you not learned anything in 10 pages?

So here you are again with the same BS question you started with. Divorce your husband. He doesn't deserve your stupidity, or betrayal.

If you want to join your boy toy's harem, then go ahead.

When are you going learn?

You keep going round and round in circles. I mean come on.

Did you really think buying him a gift was a bright idea? Then you tried to make him jealous?

I really don't think your getting it and I really think you need to leave your husband because your hurt him and that's not right in my book.

You got 10 pages of good advice, and yet you continue to make the same mistakes. You don't deserve your husband, he deserve a lot better. Someone who actually understands what being faithful is to a MARRIAGE! Just end your marriage and go be the boy toys side piece and live that lovely life you seem to be so attracted to.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to you all for making me wake up and smell the coffee.

I didn't realise what I had until today, I've not been in contact with the ex for 2 days and do you know what I really am OK with it. I found out that he is seeing a girl (he told me they were just friends and were there for each other) and all I felt was pity for her.

She has been warned before that he lies but she chose to ignore the people telling her!! I was going to get in contact and warn her but then I thought that it would just look like me interfering and besides it has nothing to do with me anymore.

Im really looking forward to my trip away, we go 2 weeks today's, its going to be the clean break that I need.

The ex said some horrible things to me the other day via text after I asked about does he want me to send his present ( the present was bought ages ago by the way and yes it was a massive mistake and I realise that now) I was only trying to be nice to him by sending the pressie but I realise now that it was no appropriate for me to do that. The abuse I received off him made me realise that he does not care for me one bit. I really didn't want to part as enemies but I can truly see that this has gone on long enough and there is no way that we can ever be friends. I find this sad, but my hubby comes before a guy who treats me like sH&^.

Hopefully I will of heard the last from the ex, but I doubt it, he will appear in a few weeks but I just don't care anymore. Im a stronger person and I'm glad he was so nasty to me, it was the wake up call that I needed to see him for his true colours.

I love my hubby very very much and am looking forward to the life that we have in front of us, I never thought that I would be saying that tbh, but it's the truth so thank you all for your help and advice... IVE FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT!!

I hope you did but we will see. Btw, change your number and tell your friends you don't want to hear about him when they bring him up.

I hope you did but we will see. Btw, change your number and tell your friends you don't want to hear about him when they bring him up.

No honestly I really have seen the light liz28, I'm in the middle of changing my number so I won't hear from him again unless he turns up at the house and decides to sit outside again!! Im just fed up of all the lies he tells, I didn't want to end it with him like this but I just can't trust him, he lies about everything and anything and I don't understand why?? Why tell me him and this girl are now just friends then I find out that there not? What is to be had from telling me lies?

Anyway, I'm not going to interfere in there lives as I said before, it will look like I'm bothered and now I just don't give a rats a$$. Its like I have become a different person, a person that just don't care what he does anymore, it's a better person than the one I was, always waiting for his next text that never came.

I really feel like a different person now I've seen the light so to speak, now that I'm not clinging to my phone waiting for the text that never arrives I'm free to see the bigger picture.

When I told him never to text me again as I knew he had a girlfriend then he text me back pretty damn quick calling me all the nasty names so it just showed me that he did receive my texts and chose not to answer them. Im well oer him now, I've been reading a few other threads on here from others and realise that I'm so lucky to have what I have got.

Why would I put my marriage at stake for a guy that lies and ignores me all the time? I must have been having a mad moment. The guy thinks that he has this spell over me and that il come crawling back to him the minute that he snaps his finger, well I can't wait for the moment when I just ignore his call/text. I don't even want to text him back saying leave me alone, I'm just going to ignore him until my new number comes through.

Just a little update, I've now got my new phone and I'm ready to leave the ex behind. Im feeling so strong at the moment and hope this feeling continues xx

By new phone I hope you mean new number. Just stay strong and keep your willpower sense up and going. You can do anything and this includes keeping him out of your life.

By new phone I hope you mean new number. Just stay strong and keep your willpower sense up and going. You can do anything and this includes keeping him out of your life.

Yes, new phone and new number. Its weird how it took him having to be so nasty to me again to make me realise what a loser is really is. I won't lie, the thought of them together still guts me but now every time I think of it is just keep myself busy and do my best to forget him and do something constructive with the time.

Its was his lies that hurt me, I kept telling me just admit that your with this woman but he said they were just friends, I thought we could end up maybe not as mates but the occasional text to see how each other were doing, but now that I'm seeing thigs clear I can see that we really need to just disappear from each others lives. I just can't believe anything that he says to me anymore.

Im looking forward to my trip and planning for the future for the 1st time in ages, once the ex realises that I'm moving on he really won't be happy, but hey he has got his girlfriend now

Just another quick update, its now day 5 of NC and I'm feeling great, I even went out for a meal with hubby last night which we haven't done for ages and ages. It really is true that everyday that passes it gets a little easier.

I won't lie that I don't think of him but when I do I just think of all the horrible things he has done to me and I'm OK. I keeping myself busy and am planning on meeting loads of old school friends that I've managed to find through Facebook.

Ive blocked the ex and his bit of stuff so they can't find me on Facebook, I've spammed his email address etc etc.

Long live my resolve xxxx

That's a great start, keep it up.

I'm glad to hear you've made a decision and are sticking to it.

Still can't help wondering how hubby doesn't notice anything is up with you, though... all this emotional drama.

I wish you the best. Have a nice getaway

You want what you can't have, yet you want your cake & to eat it too AND you also want the thrill of victory the agony of defeat;. You cannot have it all, as we were led to believe, but only die tryin', as someone will eventually end up hurt, with a bad case of the SIDS, crabs, gonorrhea, syphilis, or a combination, then you could spread that on to your husband. Is this really fair to him? Does he do the same thing? I'm not sure about different kinds of marriages as to your expectations of each other. Then there is your reputation you might want to think about, but evidently that doesn't concern you, you're institutionalized now (married) and although times have changed, morality does not.
But it all depends on the way you were raised. You create your own life, & must carefully weigh your choices, EITHER way, in the end, you will pay the consequences of your actions.:rolleyes:

For cryin' out loud, get rid of the phone!



i think that was a bit harsh, i do not expect him to be sitting at home waiting for me tbh, its him that contacts me not the other way round more often than not.

Im no a selfish person, i think that is a wrong judgement personally, i have pointed out that i made a mistake kissing this guy and want to try and make my marriage work. Im not a horrible person and i DO love my husband, i just need to get the passion back in our 10 yr relationship.

Its like i want to keep in contact with this guy as sometimes but not many times is nice to me, he says he loves me and wants to be with me and then sleeps with all these other women, thats what i can't understand. His actions and his words don match up.

I was waiting fo someone to come on and call me all the names under the sun as above and slate me, i understand everyone has there own opinions and i do appreciate everybodys comments even though some are hurtful.

I just want to know how i stop these feelings for the ex, ive told him to stop texting me etc etc but he still does, i really dont want to have to change my number but feel i may come to that

You want what you can't have, yet you want your cake & to eat it too AND you also want the thrill of victory the agony of defeat;. You cannot have it all, as we were led to believe, but only die tryin', as someone will eventually end up hurt, with a bad case of the SIDS, crabs, gonorrhea, syphilis, or a combination, then you could spread that on to your husband. Is this really fair to him? Does he do the same thing? I'm not sure about different kinds of marriages as to your expectations of eachother. Then there is your reputation you might want to think about, but evidently that doesn't concern you, you're institutionalized now (married) and although times have changed, morality does not.
But it all depends on the way you were raised. You create your own life, & must carefully weigh your choices, EITHER way, in the end, you will pay the consequences of your actions.:rolleyes:

What the hell are you going on about!! You have obviousley NOT read this thread properley as I HAVE NOT SLEPT WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN MY HUSBAND!! how dare you go round saying that I'm passing std's onto him. I think that you need to read the posts fully before you start dishing out advice!!

I don't want my cake and eat it, I've not seen the frigging ex for 6 months now and YES IVE DITCHED THE PHONE!!

Just a little update, I've now hit the 1 week marker of NC and its not been half as bad as I thought, I'm off on holiday at the end of next week so I'm trying to focus on the at the moment.

I do have good days and bad days but I try and keep myself busy and occupied. Im trying hard to find a job after being made redundant but its very hard at the moment with the current economy.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for there support, I don't think I could have got through this past week without you all xxxx

Just keep NC with your ex. You need more respect for yourself and for your husband. Each day will get easier and easier, little by little. Each day is a positive process you need to get yourself back together and the thoughts of your ex will eventually disappear.

I would say good luck but it's not about luck, it's about hard work and what you make in this situation.

Just keep NC with your ex. You need more respect for yourself and for your husband. Each day will get easier and easier, little by little. Each day is a positive process you need to get yourself back together and the thoughts of your ex will eventually dissapear.

I would say good luck but it's not about luck, it's about hard work and what you make in this situation.

Thanks ajgambino, this NC is tough stuff, even though he treated me badly it hurts not to see him. Im doing well on the NC, its been over a week and I'm OK. I do have my weak moments but tend to do other things like listen to mp3 player etc etc when these moments occur.

Im off on m hols next week for a month so hopefully I will try and erase him from my mind for that time, I still don't understand how I let him fool me with his lies. Anyway, I'm trying to move and with my life now and forget the past, I just hope his lies will catch up with him.