Ok, first time user of this site, but here goes...

I have been seeing this woman for about 5 months, she is 25 with a great three year old boy, I am 28 no kids and never married and have almost completed my masters.

We spent a lot of time in the past months together staying at each others homes every night and just having a great time. Well over time I think the honeymoon wore off...

Recently, she started to distance her self from me, but would make promises to see me the next night, this eventually led to us talking about the fact that I realize that if she needs girl nights out that this will not be a problem or even if she wants to be alone some nights just her and her son. (She came from an abusive relationship a while ago and thinks that I am mad if she does things on her own).

Well, fast forward to 4/1/09, we talked, and I expected to be in some kind of trouble or have some complaints formed about what I may or may not have done. Instead, she tells me she loves me and that I am always sweet to her, and that she values our relationship. But she is just confused and needs time to think and work through her thoughts alone.

I agreed to the 'time alone' which was not set or implied that it needed to be set. She immediately said "thank you" hugged me, and I was on my way.

I haven't contacted her in 3 days, and I was curious when a good time to give up on her would be, and if anyone has had an experience similar that worked out for the best with a reunion of the relationship? And if so, how long did it take?

I am patient and understand the need for personal space, but I really care about this woman and her child, and she knows that, and I feel like I am going to lose both of them for no real reason. We had no intense arguments or disagreements by the way.

Please let me know what you think.

Flip

I think you need to let her decide when and if it is time to resume the relationship.If at all.

It has been my experience that *space* is a euphemism for good bye.

When someone is trying to spare your feelings and they don't know how to tell you they just aren't feeling you the *space* talk always seems to crop up.

If someone told me they wanted space I would ask *is this your way of trying to break it to me gently that we are done,If so I would rather know the truth than hang on to any false hope*.

Perhaps you could make one attempt to contact her to see if that is the case.

Don't automatically assume you did anything wrong,maybe she just didn't click with you as much as you did her.It happens and its no ones fault.

please read my break-up survival guide below.

IF this is your FIRST break-up AND you don't contact her, I would guess you would get some sort of communication in 90 days. If you don't, it's done. If you contact her, this advice is irrelevant.

When a woman wants space, the only thing that will satisfy her is not denying it.

please read my break-up survival guide below.

IF this is your FIRST break-up AND you don't contact her, I would guess you would get some sort of communication in 90 days. If you don't, it's done. If you contact her, this advice is irrelevant.

When a woman wants space, the only thing that will satisfy her is not denying it.

Yes, this is our first break up, plus we have known each other for over 5 years. And when she was in her abusive relationship she would come to me for help (I never enabled her), so we have a pre-existing foundation of trust set. However she is very private about her feelings and it takes a lot to get her to talk about them.

But 90 days, wow.

I think you need to let her decide when and if it is time to resume the relationship.If at all.

It has been my experience that *space* is a euphemism for good bye.

When someone is trying to spare your feelings and they don't know how to tell you they just aren't feeling you the *space* talk always seems to crop up.

If someone told me they wanted space I would ask *is this your way of trying to break it to me gently that we are done,If so I would rather know the truth than hang on to any false hope*.

Perhaps you could make one attempt to contact her to see if that is the case.

Don't automatically assume you did anything wrong,maybe she just didn't click with you as much as you did her.It happens and its no ones fault.

I asked her that point blank, if this is your way of breaking up, then that's fine, but she insisted she still wants this relationship. She is just confused and has a lot on her mind. Would this be a result of experiencing some what of a healthy relationship after having many bad ones?

She's damaged goods.

Be a friend. Not a lover.

90 days MINIMUM. You cannot break it unless she does... And the odds are she'll have something to say. If she doesn't even better proof.

If she does not and you have something to say after that time, state your peace... Anything else is dyfunctional.

HANG IN THERE!

I recommend funny movies, good friends, and other women around you (you don't have to sleep with them:-)

*update*

Well, it seems the method of no contact is working (shocker right?). Last night I went out and had a great time with friends, and when I got home and checked my messages before bedding down.

Question 1:

Does it mean anything that I am still listed as her boyfriend on both sites (myspace and Facebook)?

Question 2:

She is feeling really bummed according to her statuses. She is stressed and it seems that me being out of the picture has made this stress more evident, is this a fair assessment?

If she is more stressed without me, that would at least in my mind mean that she would begin to miss me and the less stressful times right?

Please let me know people.

Flip

Read my above post.

Seen bourne ultimatum? Seen the reporter get shot for not listening to jason? Hold your position.

Most first time breakers return if you are silent BUT I do not think this woman is healthy. Stand back.

read my above post.

seen bourne ultimatum? seen the reporter get shot for not listening to jason? hold your position.

most first time breakers return if you are silent BUT I do not think this woman is healthy. stand back.

LMAO. Nice way to put it. I am standing put, it my position that she should just stew in this until she is ready to contact me. I will keep updates coming, because no one ever tells us the readers how this works out, and I think is important to give people some evidence that No Contact works.

I don't think this will last another week to be honest, because I think she will crack.

But everything points to a return is what you are saying?

Flip

LMAO. Nice way to put it. I am standing put, it my position that she should just stew in this until she is ready to contact me. I will keep updates coming, because no one ever tells us the readers how this works out, and I think is important to give people some evidence that No Contact works.

I don't think this will last another week to be honest, because I think she will crack.

But everything points to a return is what you are saying?

Flip

Try not to have any expectations. Just keep up the progress. Focus on other things and especially yourself.

Try not to set a time limit either, cause then you will be constantly watching the time and calendar. Keep yourself busy.

LMAO. Nice way to put it. I am standing put, it my position that she should just stew in this until she is ready to contact me. I will keep updates coming, because no one ever tells us the readers how this works out, and I think is important to give people some evidence that No Contact works.

I don't think this will last another week to be honest, because I think she will crack.

But everything points to a return is what you are saying?

Flip

What I'm saying is relax.
If she wants to talk make it on your terms. She is not necessarily your ticket to happiness, and the more you realize that the more frustrated she is going to get.
IF you are supposed to be together, then it will be a lot clearer if she is the one to initiate AND things are BETTER... how can anything change in 3 days?
Your value drops if you break the silence, so don't do it. Use this time to do something you might not have done if you had obligations.

As you can imagine, we get a lot of "I need space" , "I need a break" stuff here, and hardly anyone asked the next question, "what kind of space, and how much, do you need??".

That defines things enough to know what your actions are, because if they don't know what they want, and need, neither do you.

She makes this decision now without your influence, but waiting and assuming what she is feeling is foolish, and doing your own thing is what has to happen.

Personally, I don't ever let others make my decisions for me, nor do I wait for them to make up their mind. Make up your own mind what you will do whether she "cracks" or not.

*update*

Well, it seems the method of no contact is working (shocker right?). Last night I went out and had a great time with friends, and when I got home and checked my messages before bedding down.

Question 1:

Does it mean anything that I am still listed as her boyfriend on both sites (myspace and Facebook)?

Question 2:

She is feeling really bummed according to her statuses. She is stressed and it seems that me being out of the picture has made this stress more evident, is this a fair assessment?

If she is more stressed without me, that would at least in my mind mean that she would begin to miss me and the less stressful times right?

Please let me know people.

Flip

Speculating what her actions mean or don't mean is an exercise in futility.You just can't guess what someone is thinking or feeling.
I would just proceed with the NC and allow her the time she has asked for.
Clearly,you may not be willing to wait forever and its good that you went out with friends and had some fun.You should not ever put your life on hold for someone else.

As you can imagine, we get a lot of "I need space" , "I need a break" stuff here, and hardly anyone asked the next question, "what kind of space, and how much, do you need??".

That defines things enough to know what your actions are, because if they don't know what they want, and need, neither do you.

She makes this decision now without your influence, but waiting and assuming what she is feeling is foolish, and doing your own thing is what has to happen.

Personally, I don't ever let others make my decisions for me, nor do I wait for them to make up their mind. Make up your own mind what you will do whether she "cracks" or not.

I mean I know what I want, its her and her child in my life, I have grown quite attached to the two of them over the years and especially now since being with her as more than friends.

How do I interject my influence without talking to her? I would love to have an influence on her decision, but she is very clammed up right now with doubts and fears I presume. I won't lie, I am a semi-wreck without her, and I am just doing what I need to do because that is my nature, but if I had the option it would be to with her.

Is there a way for me to influence her, considering I am not contacting her currently, it seems this will work, but I really miss this girl and my buddy.

Let me know.

Flip

Xflipx, I'm experiencing the same situation as you. It is frustrating and sad.

It's been a few weeks for me. A multi-year ltr just disappeared in an instant when I called to suggest someplace to go and instead I got "I need space" and "I'm happy but you're not." A bolt from the blue. Please, allow me to be the judge of my own happiness.

I'm no newbie, so I said, "this sounds like break-up talk. Are you trying to break up?" Same reply, "I don't want to break up." She mentioned that she thought I was doing online dating behind her back, which was an extremely surprising accusation, and not true. I assured I wasn't. You want time "to think?" You've got it. I know there's never any way to fight this with words or with my continued presence.

And I haven't seen her or heard her since. Yet, same as you, she maintains the façade of a relationship to the world.

I love her, but this is bizarre. The worst is that there isn't an event to grieve, and there is so much to fuel endless false hopes. It has been weeks of a knife blade twisting in my chest with no end in sight.

I've committed myself to activities with friends and leaving myself open to finding new love interests.

That's the whole point, her decision must be hers, without your influence.

You just have to deal with your own feelings, and let her deal with hers.

She's 25 with 3 yr. old kid....which means she's been in a relationship or a mother since likely before she was even old enough to drink.....

i.e.: this woman needs space.

I would not try to influence her, but be cordial if she wants to talk.
Don't forget. It takes two and she is saying I need to be one right now.

Hang in there and see how things go and try to stay healthy.

Update*

So, this weekend went awesome, caught up with some friends I haven't talked to in months, and had a great weekend out. I still maintained no contact with my girl. I posted pics of my night out on my Facebook and myspace. Well, I went to sleep drunk and woke up rather energized.

Then!! She contacted me via email, but it was about her son, apparently some custody came up this week and the guy that used to beat her has visitation, anyway she wanted to let me know what was going on. I naturally texted her to find out more. Then the day started...

Well, now she is texting me a little, but it is short and sweet, and never about anything of substance. We talked last night on the phone (she called), she said she wants to take another shot at things, but she is clearly apprehensive. Should I just go back to no contact again? Or actually try to keep the lines of communication open?

I feel like this could work, but I am growing tired of the fight, should I hang in there?

Flip

Only you can know about if you should hang in there or not. That's not a decision we should be making for you. I feel that since she has contacted you, and wants to try things again, maybe now is the time to have a sit down and talk about everything. How you are feeling, problems within the relationship, what led to the break up, things of that nature. Perhaps I should take my own advice ha ha.

I think you should let it go and bring yourself together and move on. You remember the saying "If you love someone, set him free......"?. I have a friend who has been dating a lady with three kids for last about 4 years. Everything worked out well for these years between them and the kids. Kids like him, he loves them. She was happy for her kids to have him. She enjoys time with him. They function well as a happy family. Yet the somewhere down deep in her mind she was always very satisfied with her life as a single parent. She was not ready to smoothen out rough edges of her which is important for both spouses to stay together and live peacefully. Cutting long story short, she also asked for "space". He knows her well and is just waiting for some miracle to happen to bring her back to him.

I know it is very hard to strangle your feelings and love for a person, but pray to God to give you strength at this time.

Well we have been texting all afternoon, just fun cordial questions and comments. But I am still getting no substance out of her, I was thinking about seeing if she would like to get a drink after work, but I don't know if I should talk about the relationship or just keep things cordial.


Still need answers on my previous post too. Just starting to get this back together and could really use the advice.

Flip

Be careful. Don't get excited yet.

Step back and make a plan. All this "cordial, no-substance" texting from you isn't doing you any favors. You're clinging onto every word looking for affirmation. This will cripple you. In the meantime, you appear needy and desperate to her.

Let things sit for a while. If you get a text from her, don't respond right away. Keep busy with yourself. Get back to her tomorrow or later.

She may be communicating with you out of guilt, that she feels bad that she's blowing you off or is dumping you.

Maybe at some point this week or next call her and say you'd like to meet for dinner or something and TAKE IT SLOWLY. Take control of this situation instead of giving it right back to her.

Yeah, because I mentioned drinks after work for a minute and I haven't heard back for over two hours. So I should just go back to no contact? This is driving me nuts... talking to me, tells me she loves me yesterday, calls me about her son and it just happens to be the day after I have a blast out with my friends.

I am thinking about confronting her tonight and either settling where I stand or getting her on and out of my life. I am soooo pissed right now.

Please advise people.

Flip

Whenever your ready to make your own decisions, and stand up for yourself, the option is open to you.

Well, it is over. Trust is a huge thing, and when you tell someone that you are coming over to talk and they continue to make excuses of why they can't it makes it hard to have a relationship. I did what I could to be patient over the past few weeks with her silence, but in the last week it was something that I found I could not and will not have in a relationship. This woman is good hearted, but broken and I can do much better. In the end we have to do what we can for ourselves first.

Heart break is a only bad if you perceive yourself as an option, and I do not. In the end things will be fine, I don't have the baggage she has (a kid, bad job, lives with parents, and no education beyond HS), I have been batting the idea around with an old college roommate of mine to move to GA for a few months now, and I think it is time I do that.

Thanks for the advice, but silence is just a game, and the no contact thing is just a game, and frankly I don't have the time to waste on someone with that lack of confidence.

Flip