Would you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you wouldn't fight for them if they found someone better? What would you think if your boyfriend or girlfriend told you that if you found someone better than him or her, then he or she would let you go without a fight?

Also, this pertains to when you first started dating. On your first date during a serious conversation your boyfriend told you that if you found someone better, he would let you go without a fight.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend found someone better than you... would you be able to let them go without a fight? Would you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you wouldn't fight for them if they found someone better?
Better than me? No way! Different from me and more suitable for him? Yes! Been there, done that.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend found someone better than you... would you be able to let them go without a fight? Would you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you wouldn't fight for them if they found someone better?

Better than me? First of all if my ex told me that which she did, at first I was blinded by love and it didn't matter that much but the more I thought about it during my NC I figured I couldn't take that crap from her and I deserved better. First of all no one should be better than anyone. If they tell you someone is better than you than they are not worth keeping. Everyone is different but no one should be better than anyone.

If that was my first date and she was talking about letting go.Red flags and bells would be going off in my head.RUN

I would say ,what is *better*?

Then I would say ,*you don't seem to have much confidence and why would you not fight to save a relationship that meant something to you*?

Being a first date ,I would assume this person had never been truly in love.

The statement sounds selfless in theory but when push comes to shove,I don't think most people would stand by it.

I would'nt tell them that, but if my GF found another more suitable partner, I would feel glad for her, a little sad for myself of course, but you live, love, learn and move on.
If someone told me this on a first date, I would only feel that life comes with no guarantees.

I would never ask that question in the first place, and if asked, I would be out, as who has time for head games? That's not a conversation to have, and assumes too much too early. Come on, First/second date?

So many things wrong with your question. First date, you aren't even in a relationship, so I would hope you don't consider them your girlfriend/boyfriend...

Serious talks also don't need to come up during the "dating" phase as well.

Lastly, why in the hell would you tell someone this, or even discuss this topic? It's almost like you are planning on getting your heart broken.

Not a question to ask, nor is it one to be asked. Why are people so worried about the future when the present causes the most problems.

I would lose all respect for my ex's if they said to me: "I found someone better."

If I were out on a first/second date with a man and he presented me with that statement I would have said, (flirtingly of course) " Cool, that tells me there won't be any drama after I dump your ." But seriously you want someone who you can see in his actions and words that he is confident and comfortable in himself. I guy who tells you that he won't fight for you if you found someone better, he is telling you that he doesn't believe in you, himself or the relationship, which also tells you that he is not one to be counted on ever.

It's a foolish question really.

Define better, who's judging that? In context to the story the guy would be admitting that the new guy is indeed better, how would one be able to assert that? Would they sit side by side and compare their strength's and weaknesses?

I will also point out how weird a question and topic that is on a first date!! Isn't agreeing where to go or what movie to see the most common topics of discussion so early on or maybe what's your last name:)

I have to say, I think you ask very mundane questions.

They don't really make sense, they aren't how people think and they never seem to have any relationship to actual advise needed.

You have 120 posts and 35-40 questions that you have asked that do not help with any relationship direction.

Please stop asking these silly, what if's, when they are so unlikely.

If you have a question about your relationship, then give us the facts and ask.

To answer your question, it's basically an insult that for example, you'll replace your very smart, handsome and hardworking man to a lazy, druggie who doesn't have direction in life.

It's a human nature that sometimes you'll withdraw when sensing a loss.

Who gets that deep after a few dates??

If I was asked that on the first date I'd laugh and pry a beer out of her for being so weird.

If I ever asked that I'd know I've reached the epitome of lameness and would fall deep into depression.

What kind of question is that?

Not everyone dates someone they just knew in a month. Some people knew and liked each other for several months even years ago prior to dating.

This is suck an easy answer... come on now... of course u would have to dump him/her... I'm sorry... but this person is just waiting for something better to come around, in other words... u maybe a rebound... sad to say...

God bless :)

p.s that gay thing was a bloodly example, and no I'm not an angry person... don't always assume things that are false... and another thing I'm not here to please anyone... it's my opinion... and u can't change it... peace out

This is suck an easy answer.....come on now....of course u would have to dump him/her...I'm sorry....but this person is just waiting for something better to come around, in other words....u maybe a rebound....sad to say....

God bless :)

p.s that gay thing was a bloodly example, and no I'm not an angry person....don't always assume things that are false...and another thing I'm not here to please anyone....it's my opinion....and u can't change it...peace out

We are not here to give opinions that criticize people and make them feel horrible. If you haven't realized yet this is a support group and not a bring down group. We want what's best for them and to help them get through their problems not attack them. So if you don't mind, sometimes your opinions are offensive and they bring them down instead of helping them out and it would be best if you kept that to yourself or bring it somewhere else.

we are not here to give opinions that criticize people and make them feel horrible. if you havent realized yet this is a support group and not a bring down group. we want whats best for them and to help them get through their problems not attack them. so if you dont mind, sometimes your opinions are offensive and they bring them down instead of helping them out and it would be best if you kept that to yourself or bring it somewhere else.

There been an misunderstanding here... offensive?. there are others who have said worst things... and the gay question isn't towards this or anyone... it's more for starbuck8 or something... I can't remember her user name... but she kept saying really off topic things... that was for her... I thought it was going to be send too her... sorry...

Peace out :cool:

Hey I'm not against anyone... it's a free country do what you want... just be smart about it...

I have to say, I think you ask very mundane questions.

They don't really make sense, they aren't how people think and they never seem to have any relationship to actual advise needed.

You have 120 posts and 35-40 questions that you have asked that do not help with any relationship direction.

Please stop asking these silly, what if's, when they are so unlikely.

If you have a question about your relationship, then give us the facts and ask.

I'm sorry about that everyone! A lot of the questions I ask actually pertain to my relationship. I'm not sure if I posted the background of my relationship anywhere. I felt as if I had and I didn't want to re-post because then I would have been repeating an old thread. A lot of my old threads got merged, so I'm not exactly sure where the history of my relationship is located. I wanted to put the history of my relationship in this thread just now, but I can't edit the opening question any more.

Anyway, I also wanted to say that although you don't believe that my question has anything to do with reality, and it's a "what if" question... it's actually a true situation. A large quantity of my questions actually have to do with my relationship. I keep feeling down about my relationship and wondering if there's anything that I could have done differently. I kept thinking that there was something wrong with the relationship but at the same time felt paranoid that I was over analyzing what he said. But, when he told me the title of this thread "If you find someone better, I won't fight for you," it really stuck in my craw and even to this day I remember it. Therefore, I just wanted to ask for some opinions. Thank you everyone!

They only way to learn is to ask, but that doesn't mean you will hear what you want, as people here are looking in to your problem, and not going through them at this time, some are, but not all.

I was wondering about combing your threads, but held off because of not being sure they were about you and your situation.

You have so many questions, but I THINK this is your story,

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4103275)

As you see its quite extensive, and hard to combine at this time, but will try if it helps. Let me know.

Teas: You have got to pick yourself up off the ground and get on. I know you are having these questions pop into your head, but guess what, hindsight is always 20/20 and things are the way they are. You are a good person, and only you refuse to see that!

My outlook is simple in life (and granted, it has taken me awhile to get to this point): If someone doesn't want YOU anymore, then BYE! I refuse to dumb myself down or lower myself to the point of degradation because someone doesn't like who I am. Does that mean I am perfect? NO! What that means is that I am proud of who I am and NO ONE will take that away from me. If I make a mistake, I will own up to it, but life is too short to sit here and wonder why the past is what it is and forget that the future is out there waiting for you.

Give this guy a greenie, because what he said is so very true. ^

Actually, I'm pretty naïve. I thought that this statement was interesting when I first heard it. I wasn't sure what to make of it. It sounds like all of the veteran daters knew what it mean (red flag), but I did not. I actually probably thought of it as a self-less statement which meant what he said: he would let me go so that I could be happy even if it meant that he wouldn't be. I do believe, though, that love is selfish and in theory people say such a statement, but the statement isn't a true reflection of how people really feel or act when they are in love.

So I was just asking others' opinions so I could get a clearer perspective on the situation: How would you react if someone you were dating/in a relationship for about a month told you this.

I had such a serious conversation. In my early discussion, I told my boyfriend that I would be happy for him if he found someone else that made him happier. He told me that he would fight for me. For a moment, I was paranoid thinking that he'd be a stalker or something. But now I realize that we are really happy together, and all I can think about is how lucky I am to have him as my boyfriend.

Warning: mostly a vent.

Dear Ex,

I know that nothing I say or do can ever get you back. I just miss all the great conversations, cuddling, and caring we had for each other.

The saddest thing of all is that I still miss you. Even when you were slowly becoming more and more distant, I still loved you.

I can only blame myself for not seeing that maybe we weren't meant to be. When you said that you weren't good for me, that you would make me do things that I wouldn't want to do, to not go to the birthday parties together, you wouldn't have any increased time than we were already meeting to see me when school was out, that if I found someone better then you wouldn't fight for me... all before the first month was over.

I'm sorry I didn't realize something was wrong. I asked you if there was, and you said no, that everything was fine. I believed you. I should have realized that there was something wrong anyway. I told you that I heard a strange noise coming from the car that night. You told me you didn't hear anything. I'm still not sure whether to believe that you couldn't hear that the flat tire was making a loud noise.

Then when you would never tell me anything. I asked you where your sisters were, and you said you didn't know. I asked you when you were going to graduate, and you said that you didn't know. I asked you what classes you were going to take next semester and you said you didn't know... this was after a few months of dating.

I can only hope that I can find someone who loves me as much as I loved you.

You will eventually be in another relationship, and another, and probably another. Falling in love is a big step in your life, as it isn't easy to let yourself become attached and vulnerable to someone else's behavior and emotions. Getting your heart broken is equally as important, as it shows us that sometimes things just end, and there is NOTHING we can do about it.

Hope your vent helped! Just enjoy things. The more you enjoy, the happier you will be.

Hi everyone,

I am having a problem. My best friend/cousin/roommate keeps telling me that the longer I wait to contact my ex and try to regain a friendship, the longer he will be out there for other girls to start flirting with. This is completely opposite to what the mantra is on here "no contact, no contact, no contact." I've been resisting, but also at the same time I can't help but wonder if I should call him to regain the friendship. Help!

Thanks,
T

You have misunderstood the concept of no contact. It is not used to get back an ex. It is used to move on with your life and forget about them. I understand you still want him in your life, but he's not with you anymore and he has the right to date other people and you can't stop him. You have that right too. If he truly loved you he will come back for you and by that time you will have to make the decision to take him back or not.

Forcing a friendship shouldn't be necessary should it?? What's your hurry? Sorry your friends are very wrong. Tell them I said so.

My cousin started up again this afternoon. I was minding my own business on the computer. She comes into my room and then starts talking to me about my ex. She said that there's probably some girl in his class that started flirting with him while we were in a relationship. She said, "all those girls have to do is turn the flirt on. I bet all a girl in his class had to do was ask him if he had a girlfriend and then he started turning off on you."

Then, when I called this other guy to talk to him, she started listening in on the conversation. She could hear some other girl in the background on the telephone. After I got off the phone she said, "See, other girls know how to talk. They are non-stop chatterers. You can't compete with them. They have a better face than you and they talk a lot."

My cousin started up again this afternoon. I was minding my own business on the computer. She comes into my room and then starts talking to me about my ex. She said that there's probably some girl in his class that started flirting with him while we were in a relationship. She said, "all those girls have to do is turn the flirt on. I bet all a girl in his class had to do was ask him if he had a girlfriend and then he started turning off on you."

Then, when I called this other guy to talk to him, she started listening in on the conversation. She could hear some other girl in the background on the telephone. After I got off of the phone she said, "See, other girls know how to talk. They are non-stop chatterers. You can't compete with them. They have a better face than you and they talk a lot."

Speaking for most guys, us guys believe that a beautiful inside no matter if you talk a lot or not, is what that is attractive. If a guy doesn't take the time to get to know you, he isn't worth it.

Your cousin is wrong, I'm engaged and have been hit on numerous times. When I was just bf/gf, I got hit on when I was out with my friends, all I had to say was "I am with someone". Sure they said things like "she won't know" and I simply reply with "But I would" and walk away. Not all guys get turned on because a girl "turns the flirt on"

Guys do the same thing to girls, there are tons of guys that simply go after girls, if they are in a relationship, they try harder. Point for this, my fiancé got hit on a work the other day, he knows she's engaged and even came up and introduced himself to me when I came in to see her. He said an inappropriate comment to her about taking her out to dinner. She just showed him the ring I put on her finger. He then proceeded to ask again, and she told him "what part of i'm engaged do you have a problem understanding" and walked away.

Point, both sexes have people trying to give in to temptation. Fact, not everyone wants your boyfriend/girlfriend, and even if they did. If you have a good guy/girl, they can't be stolen.

I'm feeling very very alone right now.

My cousin and I carpool home every day. She tells me that I don't know how to talk and I probably wasn't spunky enough for my exboyfriend. She says that her boyfriend loves the way she talks like a rollercoaster "up and down, up and down... high pitch and low pitch, high pitch and low pitch." She says that I need to take personality classes at the local community college.

I feel like I'll be single for the rest of my life. It's not a bad thing to be single for the rest of your life.

She tells me that I don't know how to talk and I probably wasn't spunky enough for my exboyfriend. She says that her boyfriend loves the way she talks like a rollercoaster "up and down, up and down... high pitch and low pitch, high pitch and low pitch."
Personally speaking, that would drive me mad. It would give me a splitting headache and I'd worry about why they need to alter themselves so much "like a rollercoaster" in their attempts to appeal to me.
Being spunky may mean that certain types of people may not be attracted to you, but do you really want those people to be attracted to you anyway?



She says that I need to take personality classes at the local community college.
I don't really think that you can be taught personality. Self-esteem & confidence; yes. Personality comes from within and from your experiences, not from what someone tells you to be.



I feel like I'll be single for the rest of my life.
I strongly disagree.

Are you giving off vibes your still sad about a break up? Maybe that's why your cousin is so persistent.

I doubt she would say such things if you were glad its over, and looking forward to other things besides having a guy to define you.


Originally Posted by teastalk https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/if-you-find-someone-better-wont-fight-you-336874-4.html#post1779962)
I feel like I'll be single for the rest of my life.

Lousy attitude!!

Okay, so this is about my ex. Since this post is about my ex, it might give everyone perspective on my question.

I like to make new posts because then the title would be a more accurate reflection of my question. Also, I don't know if people will read the first post and think I'm still asking about that. However, it may be better to use old threads to keep similar topics/boyfriend situations together.

Anyway, my ex recently messaged me to tell me that he's completed his degree. I messaged him back to just say "congrats" and that was it. Then, he messaged me to say some more about his life. I messaged back to say "great, that's awesome." Then he mentioned that if I want to meet up before he leaves town, we could. What should I do?

Tell him no of course. What are you expecting to accomplish? Why even open up that can of worms again?

I'm not sure. I suppose it is because he was the first boyfriend that I really liked, and perhaps loved. The relationship was very meaningful to me. He never gave me any reasons he felt the need to end the relationship. He's the one who ended it.

I guess I just want to see him and see what he has to say for himself.

Trust me I can understand that, and he is leaving, but I worry to be honest, this will only be more hurt for you to deal with just to satisfy your curiosity.

Can you handle this or would you think its better to just let go of it?

You know yourself, and where your at with your healing, so looks like you have a decision to make, doesn't it??

Its your responsibility, and its your call to make a choice for yourself, based on FACTS, and not just feelings.

You do what's best for you and let us know, Tea, just be ready for what follows. Whether you like it or not.

I think you can handle whatever life throws at you. Closure is not what its cracked up to be and acceptance is closure.

So, after meeting up with him, I am more confused than ever. I guess this is the reason why people don't meet up with their exes, or at least on this board people tend to discourage it.

I wasn't looking forward to meeting him, surprisingly. I guess because he had broken up our relationship I was not feeling good about meeting up with him. For the most part, I felt like I should cancel the meeting because I just wasn't feeling like anything would come from meeting up with him.

It was the oddest thing. We met up, chatted a little bit, and then he got quiet. Very very quiet. I tried to keep the conversation going, but he wasn't helping (ie asking questions, making comments, etc.). Then, he started touching my hand, stroking my hair, rubbing my back. I started feeling strange. Right after, he asked me the most crazy question. He wanted to "do it" with me before leaving town. I refused. It was strange.

Does anyone have any comments about him/this situation or experiences to share? I would like to hear. I don't understand why he would ask me something like this when I haven't seen him in a long time. Also, I would like to know what kind of person asks another person for something like this when they aren't together and/or are known to not be in a relationship that would enable one person to ask another person for that! Thanks for listening everyone. Talking to everyone on here has been helpful.

If I had told you that's what he wanted, would you have met up with him? You expected an apology, but got an insult.

Curiosity satisfied?

I think everyone has to go through situations and find out first hand. If I had let him go without meeting up, I might have always wondered about what he wanted to say. Now I know what he wanted to say. I do very much like to hear everyone's advice because it is always helpful, no matter what the outcome.

What you mentioned before about FACTS and not FEELINGs, I didn't understand before. I think what you were trying to say was to examine the situation. This situation needed to be examined in light of our relationship status, how many times we talked prior, and his parting words.

This reminds me about what someone else wrote on the board about expectations and false hope lead to something like pain or hurting. Also, what you said before about facts and not feelings also makes me think of the cliché "perception is reality."

You satisfied your curiosity, now hopefully you can finally move past this and give up on this clown.

I wish it were as simple as that - move on and give up. It is so difficult to let go. I think I'm stuck with a big pile of baggage. :(

Now I know why people don't meet up with their exes, it's because it makes you wonder "what if" and "should I have done this or that" and "what does this mean"?? When really, there is nothing to wonder about. If the other person wanted to be with you, they would be with you. They would apologize profusely and be all you ever wanted them to be. But, if they are not doing that, then there is nothing to wonder about.

In conclusion, don't meet up with exes. :( If they wanted you back you would know it from their message. Also, 99.9% of the time they don't want to get back together, they just unwittingly decide to contact you in order to screw up your life again.

Am I wrong in believing this?