I messed up big time! I slept with him last night. Thought if I slept with him, and he spend the night, he will see the real me, and dumped his “x girlfriend” I honestly don’t know what to do, to stop being so pathetic. He phoned me this morning, and I demanded to know if he wants to be with me or with her. Yeah you guessed it; he wants to try with her! I hanged up. I texted him, and told him, not to contact me, not to text me, not even look in my direction. My heart is broken, and I know that it is my own fault. The frustrating thing is, I know I’m well balanced, good at my work, I’m a pleasant person, and strong, why do I let these men walk all over me. I’ve read thousands of self help books, about self respect and self love etc… But I don’t stick with all my good intentions. What must I do now? On the one side, I actually want him back. Pathetic I know. On the other side I want to run him over. Please give me some advice?

First of all stop relying on these so called self help books. What you should be doing is listening to your own intuition and what it tells you for each situation. I would say the majority of the time somebody who is attuned to their intuition and do not listen to it, are the ones always having problems. My advice. You know what broke your heart. You know what you did was stupid. You know that it feels lousy and that it is your own fault. HMMM, If you want to get hurt again. Then you will continue thinking the way you do and you will continue making the same mistakes.

You need to leave this guy alone. You need to focus on yourself. Focus on your career, education, church. Whatever you focus on except for men. Stay away from them.

Until you learn the behaviour that will actually help you in a relationship. First of all being involved in somebody else when they have somebody else and you know they do. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY.

Do not look for anybody. When one day you do find somebody else take it real real real slow. Take your time. When you rush, it will not last, it will not work.
So improve on yourself image and focus on yourself and keeping yourself busy. Stay guy free. Stay away from this guy. NEVER NEVER NEVER, Go back. No matter what happens to him and his girlfriend.

Joe

Hie
I am so sorry about what you went through but you need to move on with your life other wise you will be sorry for the rest of your life . Its not easy to forget such a thing but with God you can become an .He will give you all the peace that you really he says the moment that you ask him in your life he washes all your sins away .The fact that you are felling guilty about it is sin in its fact .When you slept with that person you entered into convert with that guy (sole tie) That's why God really desires us to get married first .The fact that you gave yo self so easly to him makes that Guy thinks you are cheap .When you done and over with this no one should take you for Granted .You will be a new creature and he remembers your sins no mere

I advice you to go to a good easily church where you will get help in becoming a christian if you continue to need some more help pliz do not hesitate to get in touch

I pray God will see you through this storm just hang on him and trust him all the way the storm will calm and you will be a better person some times certain experiences makes us better person next time

Wanting to be happy is a strong motivator... sometimes for us to do the right things, sometimes for us to do really stupid things. Been there, done that.

You know what you need to do. There's no magic bullets or pills. You accept how you are treated when you return to this kind of treatment. You need to expect more for yourself, expect more from yourself, and decide whether you are willing to be alone for a while as you try to get on a more positive path.

After I had a good relationship turn bad, and lived with it for no good reason for two years, it took me a couple of years to get my head about me again. Vowing to never settle for that kind of junk again was key.

Many people scoff at the idea of going to a counselor for some help. Its an idea you should think about. Our college aged daughter started to see one from time to time when she was getting really stressed (as in almost ulcers and migraines) and she had just gotten out of a less than great relationship where this strong girl put up with the dumbest crap from a punk she liked. The counseling helped center her. Gave her an outside party to talk to (much like this forum) for perspective. It helped her. Perhaps it could help you find some solid ground.

Sleeping with someone to get them back doesn't work. Even if he changed his mind for now, he can have sex with someone else, so there goes the "trump" card.

Welcome dear. If you browse through our very large Relationships threads, you'll find at least two things... 1 - you're not alone in this, and 2 - there are many of us who have been there, done that, and we don't judge.


You are doing just fine putting yourself down right now, and maybe you need it to 'kick yourself in the rear', but after this period is over, and your healing process starts, we will be here to help you heal.


Consider this as a type of diary, or a pen-pall, who you can 'spill it all to' and consider if you accept our feedback or not.


Do whatever all is possible right now to build your self-respect and get back in tune with yourself. What Jesushelper76 said about staying away is good advice, at least from those that you know will do you no good emotionally or any other way right now. Let your healing time evolve, and think about your future independently. Once you are strong in this, you'll be strong enough to avoid those jerks.


Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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The first step is - DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?? Can you look in the mirror and LIKE that person looking back at you. Would you hangout with that person.

You have to love yourself first before anyone can love you.

And forge about that guy.

AND quit sleeping with people... you should only sleep with people in TRUSTING and RESPECTFUL loving relationship. You may have STDs from the other gal. This guy is sleeping around AND CHEATING on the other gal with you. That's a mess. You don't wan to be with a cheater.

Whoever told you you could let someone know who you really are by sleeping with them gave you lousy advice. If you thought that that would make someone love you, well you already know the results of that.

Tal - I'd spread the love, but can't. I've see nthat so many times.

He might love you more IF you had held back.

He used you. He's a cheater. He doesn't respect you. You could NEVER in this life time trust this man.

and forge about that guy.

AND quit sleeping with people.....you should only sleep with people in TRUSTING and RESPECTFUL loving relationship. You may have STDs from the other gal. This guy is sleeping around AND CHEATING on the other gal with you. That's a mess. You don't wan to be with a cheater.

So he is probably sleeping with other women as well, aside from you and her.

Yes.

Heyy


I have been in shoes much like yours. After 2 years my ex dumped me. I begged, pleaded and became so pathetic in my efforts to keep him. Although I never slept with him, if he had come to me or allowed me to I probably would have tried that maneuver. Anyhow, I read tons of self help books- there is one that I firmly believe helped me the title is "its called a breakup because its broken" by. Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. The authors have been where you've been and they do so in a humorous and understanding manner. Anyhow. There's one point that was in the book and that people told me that really stuck with me. He doesn't want you as his girlfriend, and by being anything else to him you are demoting yourself. He is basically telling you- you are not good enough to be his girlfriend so you need to settle for any scrap he gives you- hurts to think that doesn't it? Don't beat yourself up- u slipped up, it happened, but you can grow and learn from this. Once and for all do the no contact- the book I suggested has awesome ideas and advice in it and advice from people who have been through it and survived it. Please do this for YOU. Because you deserve so much more than to be someone else's "scraps"... goodluck and if you need to talk you can message me.

Yes - absolutely great book. Read it ladies.

This may come as a huge surprise and it may rattle initially but how you allow yourself to be treated is a real and honest testimony to how you feel about YOU. So whenever you've been treated badly, best to go to the bathroom mirror and have a look at who really did it. If you don't fix it at the source, it only repeats again and again. Why? Because you set it up that way. Crazy sounding, I know, but its true.

Please use the period of grief that follows the loss of a relationship wisely. Look inward, look back over your life, look at where you caught crap when you couldn't defend yourself, and remind yourself you aren't that little person anymore. Do some growing up before you jump in the dating pool again.

This may come as a huge surprise and it may rattle initially but how you allow yourself to be treated is a real and honest testimony to how you feel about YOU. So whenever you've been treated badly, best to go to the bathroom mirror and have a look at who really did it. If you don't fix it at the source, it only repeats again and again. Why? Because you set it up that way. Crazy sounding, I know, but its true.

Please use the period of grief that follows the loss of a relationship wisely. Look inward, look back over your life, look at where you caught crap when you couldn't defend yourself, and remind yourself you aren't that little person anymore. Do some growing up before you jump in the dating pool again.


Oh my God! This is so incredibly dead on. Dumped (and many others for that matter) Read and re-read this again. I'm guilty of letting girls treat me like crap just to be liked. That doesn't make any sense logically but when you grow up in an emotionally broken situation that is what you learn. You just accept it as "normal." It took me all these years and a hard look into my own pesonality to finally figure that out. The truth is I've brought so much of my own pain to my life because I was that afraid little kid just looking to be liked and couldn't defend myself . The worst part is that woman hate these pushovers and I'm just figuring that out now and I'm about to turn 30.

Dumped I realize you're a woman but the same thing applies, men don't find woman that allow themselves to be used attractive, and it doesn't matter what they look like physically. We use them for one night stands and never call back. Please, Please, Please learn this lesson now (I'm guessing your about 20 years old) and save yourself the pain I've expercienced for the last 10 years. Also don't sleep with a guy right away, I'm a guy and I can tell you that if I really like a girl I have no problem waiting. NONE. By waiting you let him know without saying that you respect yourself and force him to respect you as well.

Listen to what others have said about loving yourself and how you let others treat you. I think that's the heart of your problem. You think that being Mrs. Nice Guy will keep the men interested in you. Actually that's the worst thing you can do in a relationship. I know because I've made that mistake numerous times in the past myself, thinking that playing Mr. Nice Guy would impress the ladies and keep them interested. Instead I got burned just like you. Now I'm not saying to go to the other extreme and be mean and abusive. That's no good either. But you need to be true to yourself. Don't worry about upsetting someone else or hurting their feelings. Jesushelper76 had it right on when he said that you know your intuition but don't listen to it. You must listen to it and act accordingly. Trusting one's instincts and NOT giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is the difference between people who are successful (or at least happy) with their romantic lives and people who are always getting trod upon and burned. When something signals a red flag, it IS a red flag ; don't just brush it away and hope it'll resolve itself. Deal with it head-on. If it means clicking your heels and walking away, so be it. I'm willing to bet that you're doing exactly that, ignoring red flags, believing that you must give the benefit of the doubt. This assumption is based on my own experiences. Unfortunately it'll only come back to haunt you, every time. If someone seems obsessed with an ex, that's red flag #1. If someone cancels a date with you at the last minute, barring a life-threatening catastrophe, that's red flag #2. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture. Don't put up with any of this kind of behavior. The minute it occurs, bail out and stay away. The other person will get the message and respect you all the more.

Awesome post - so many people come here making these mistakes. Everyone should read this.

I'd spread the love - but can't.

Great post - great insight.

Welcome dear. If you browse through our very large Relationships threads, you'll find at least two things... 1 - you're not alone in this, and 2 - there are many of us who have been there, done that, and we don't judge.


You are doing just fine putting yourself down right now, and maybe you need it to 'kick yourself in the rear', but after this period is over, and your healing process starts, we will be here to help you heal.


Consider this as a type of diary, or a pen-pall, who you can 'spill it all to' and consider if you accept our feedback or not.


Do whatever all is possible right now to build your self-respect and get back in tune with yourself. What Jesushelper76 said about staying away is good advice, at least from those that you know will do you no good emotionally or any other way right now. Let your healing time evolve, and think about your future independently. Once you are strong in this, you'll be strong enough to avoid those jerks.



Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm801YYDE)


well that's just completely absurd... I love men honestly. If you would give her that kind of idea I think she might end up going for women. You know, I used to be scared of the dark up until I was 20. Nonsense isn't it. My parents told me to always stay away from the dark. Which I did. Have lights on even when I go sleep. I think it's not a very helpful approach. It took me years to actually get over with it and have the courage to fight back. I'm saying that becoming what you want to be is nothing worst than anything that you can imagine. I think all you need to know is how far you can go beyond the limits. IMO I think you went overboard. I hate confrontations first of all. I do it sometimes when the occasion calls. But in relationship you rarely or never at all confront with the other person especially when it's premature. You see he has an x girlfriend for all you know he's a carrying more baggage than you do. You have to watch out for that. But if you are up for the game prepare that you will win it. I'm sure once your in it will be fun a ride. So just go with the flow wherever the wind blows you, oh what the hell he's in the same boat. He did mention he wants to try his x girlfriend doesn't mean he will sleep with her or rather its final. Yet you still want him back. Just be cautious. Guys are very much like women nowadays. Unpredictable. In order to be stay afloat you need control. Honestly there's no need of healing here. After all both sides gets hurt.

Today is Tuesday, and thank you again for all the posts, some of them are hard true words. Firstly I wish I was 20, but no I'm 29 turning 30 in November. Secondly I've read its call a breakup because It's Broken, I might add, that this is my bible! As soon as I feel a bit negative I read it, but sometimes the heart wants to do what the heart wants to do. I had a terrible weekend; I do have friends, not a lot, so sometimes I spend weekends alone. I also don't have any family. But maybe it's a good thing. Friday night I went to a show with one of my friends, and guess who was there? The guy, with his so called on of ex girlfriend. I handled myself very well. Luckily he was not sitting near us. I truly enjoyed the show!

After the show we went to a club, about an hour later the guy shows up, without his so called on of ex girlfriend. Again…I stood my grounds. Didn't great him, nothing. But then he bought me a drink, I said thank you… and then it happened. I told him that what he is doing is not honest, and he is not being honest with me, with her or with himself. I told him, I'm not part of this game anymore, and he knows exactly how I feel about him, but I'm not going to hang around. And I left.

Last night I got a text from him, saying that he is really sorry about what happened on Friday… etc etc etc. And that he went to a physcologist because of issues still not resolved. His brother died 3 years ago, they were very close. He told the Psychologist that he does not love his ex, but his friends are pushing him into this relaisionship because of them being 7 years together. And that he honestly felt something for me, the first time any many years. Then he phoned me. I told him that I feel his pain, because I lost both my parents, and that I think seeing someone is the best he can do now for himself. We spoke for a long time, and he's not a happy chappy, but I did not mention us or anything. Now, I presume I'm suppose to feel sad, but I don't. I still miss him, but if he's seeing someone he needs to sort himself out. Maybe one day, if we suppose to end up together we will.

Well there you go. As you already mentioned he feels something for you and not his ex. I think the guy likes you. If you really like him and miss him. Then work it out. I don't really believe in fate. Well it might work on some people because they subconsciously work on the relationship. But honestly getting a relationship a started is one easy part, but keeping it is the hard part.

well that's just completely absurd...

...So just go with with the flow whereever the wind blows you, oh what the hell he's in the same boat.

...Honestly there's no need of healing here. After all both sides gets hurt.

Both sides get hurt sometimes. More often when actions are taken with abandon and without lack of forethought.

The catch here is security... the original post screamed of frustration from acting with abandom and not being happy with the consequences. Scour this site and you will see more examples of people who have put up with bad treatment for long periods. If she wants security, she needs to get a grip and more control of herself. If she wants a relationship with this guy, she needs to be willing to take some risks and not play the why me card if it goes south.

So your criticism and approach may be right for some, isn't right for all. In many cases, the "whereever the wind blows you" leads you through rebound relationships and situations where in the end you have never really dealt with any issues, and sometimes you are just left hurt and wondering why it didn't work out or why in the world you did what you did.

You don't necessarily need to "fix" yourself completely before having a meaningful relationship... its called life. You do what you can with what you have, seek out more, and left as much baggage behind.

The call for healing isn't bunk. At least when the person is so distraught by their own actions.

And your call for action isn't bunk either. In this case it might have precipitated the truth. The guy still might be playing her just because he can... I know a guy who can spin a sob story like none other to get whatever he wants out of a relationship. Hopefully he's on the up and up.

In the meantime, there's still no harm in her thinking about how she can find firmer footing. And firm footing does not come from being with any person.

I have a feeling gthis guy will tell you just about anything. I would also bet he may have never gone to that Psycologist.

I think you're crazy to even communicate with this guy.

I think he will sell you the world... an the heartache will come again.

I think once a guy lies to you once - time to move on - seriously. He took you for granted - doesn't respect you in the least - you ca nnever trust him.

Why do you keep punishing yourself with this guys lies?

Let's face it she likes the guy is who likes many girls. Well 2 at this time. If she really want to play along she just have to go with it and be safe and not get attached to him. Simple. You like him. Join in. You enjoy. At the same token you have the chance to actually find someone else whose fit for you. When your new guy comes along. There is your chance to actually tell the former that you met another significant other that you are willing to be serious with. Trust me this will tear him to pieces. Not that my intention is to actually hurt him but since you do intend to hurt him somehow this might be your best tool.

Let's face it she likes the guy is who likes many girls. Well 2 at this time. If she really want to play along she just have to go with it and be safe and not get attached to him. Simple. You like him. Join in. You enjoy. At the same token you have the chance to actually find someone else whose fit for you. When your new guy comes along. There is your chance to actually tell the former that you met another significant other that you are willing to be serious with. Trust me this will tear him to pieces. Not that my intention is to actually hurt him but since you do intend to hurt him somehow this might be your best tool.

Lovely. I forgot to click the "disagree" button when rating. Well, again, go with it and don't get attached is fine for some. I dated a girl who was like this and it was fun for some time, but I knew it ahead of time that she was more interested in playing.

You are just ignoring that fact that this person is emotionally tied up here. Not so easy for everyone to turn off their emotions, though we hopefully can override them sometimes with rational thought.

So sure... you want to play around, relax, not get attached, move on. Your prerogative. Don't complain when he does it to you first.

You may be right at most part. Practically women are not like men. They linger with the emotional imbalance. Even moving on takes longer than actually fighting back. These kind of behaviour towards women doesn't just heal by itself. It needs something to stimulate the effect. And to my experience fighting back is the way how it works. Not to the extent that you'd turn into foul cold hearted *****. Just a way to get you up there is good enough to take that permanent damage into oblivion.

Let's face it she likes the guy is who likes many girls. Well 2 at this time. If she really want to play along she just have to go with it and be safe and not get attached to him. Simple. You like him. Join in. You enjoy. At the same token you have the chance to actually find someone else whose fit for you. When your new guy comes along. There is your chance to actually tell the former that you met another significant other that you are willing to be serious with. Trust me this will tear him to pieces. Not that my intention is to actually hurt him but since you do intend to hurt him somehow this might be your best tool.

I really don't think playing games no matter how bad one has been treated is a solution to anything, just my opinion but it is okay to look after ones own well being but not take revenge or some kind of vendatta to intentionally cause pain or hurt to another. If you are not a master of these cruel games best to withdraw and do what must be done for ones own peace of mind. Leave the games to players.

It's not about using the guy. In fact it's the guy taking advantage of her. Simply I'm using the twist against him which both of them can take benefits by moving on whatever the outcome they can come up to.

Twisted thinking.

* hey! I've never even seen a reddie! (greenies are the little green dots that show up when people like your posts and rate them with approval) didn't even know the red dots existed for when you get more disapprovals than approvals! *

Well I have to have a minor in experimental psychology. My human behavior class was A. if that counts. I'm just here to help. If that bothers why read it. Obviously it wouldn't affect you. Besides I'm neither on both sides. I'm just giving a clean, hassle free point of view. And the dot thing doesn't really matter. What matters is if you really make a big difference and help someone. If you're just too concern how you would look or your social skills reputation appear in public? I think I might want to go back to college and study all those nonsense self educational tools including visual aides. And on top of that you are required to a write a thesis on some non functional brainwhacked druggie who thinks nothing but the world belongs to his.

I think everyone has thoughts of vengeance and anger when someone has screwed us over. It's only natural. But in the end, very few ever act upon it. Most people who do, end up finding themselves in more trouble.

Aside from it being crazy, it doesn't solve anything. You'll still feel bad, and you may have some moment of joy seeing one who made you suffer go through hell, but ultimately, if you have a heart, you'll feel even worse.

If you have a conscience or heart, purposely causing pain on someone will undoubtedly make you feel worse in the long run.

That made me laugh.

By the way... the greenie thing, if you are ever around here long enough to see the AMHD member discussions on greenies, you'll know most of us think they are a JOKE. So that one was probably over your university-educated. Thesis-writing head because you haven't seen the "greenie discussions".

BTW, as a person who taught 8 years at university, I can tell you 1) scoring well in a class doesn't mean you understand a thing and 2) common sense just might trump book smarts in some cases... sometimes not.

I missed the screw-with-the-guy-because-hes-screwing-with-you lecture. Have to ask the phil prof next time we see each other.

I messed up big time! I slept with him last night. Thought if I slept with him, and he spend the night, he will see the real me, and dumped his “x girlfriend” I honestly don’t know what to do, to stop being so pathetic. He phoned me this morning, and I demanded to know if he wants to be with me or with her. Yeah you guessed it; he wants to try with her!! I hanged up. I texted him, and told him, not to contact me, not to text me, not even look in my direction. My heart is broken, and I know that it is my own fault. The frustrating thing is, I know I’m well balanced, good at my work, I’m a pleasant person, and strong, why do I let these men walk all over me. I’ve read thousands of self help books, about self respect and self love etc… But I don’t stick with all my good intentions. What must I do now? On the one side, I actually want him back. Pathetic I know. On the other side I want to run him over. Please give me some advice?

Okay, I am sure you get the point by now, but, if you sleep with a man so that he will see the real you... Do you really know what he thinks about you then? I will not use any of the names for this, but I am sure you know where it could be going. So, for your reputation, it is best that you not do this again.

I understand that you had a hard time seeing him this weekend and talking to him, but, remember this... Since he has already had you in bed he will make any excuse to get you back there. He knows you are vulnerable and is willing to take advantage of your vulnerability to get you in the sack again.

To me the story he told you sounds like a big ole SOB story!

He has no feelings for the so-called ex, YEAH RIGHT! Wake up and smell the coffee... if he has no feelings for her anymore why was he at the movies with her?

Some men just know how to play our emotions to get what they want. He is trying to take advantage of your softer side and it looks as though it may be working.

Run, don't walk, as far away from him as you can. He is a USER!!

You certainly can find someone better.

that made me laugh.

by the way... the greenie thing, if you are ever around here long enough to see the AMHD member discussions on greenies, you'll know most of us think they are a JOKE. so that one was probably over your university-educated. thesis-writing head because you havent seen the "greenie discussions".

BTW, as a person who taught 8 years at university, i can tell you 1) scoring well in a class doesnt mean you understand a thing and 2) common sense just might trump book smarts in some cases... sometimes not.

i missed the screw-with-the-guy-because-hes-screwing-with-you lecture. have to ask the phil prof next time we see each other.


How would I know I don't mix solid ingredients to liquid? But I work in the pharma industry. I can at least provide you something. Anyway, this is nonsense. I'll leave this group perhaps I can leave everything to some chemist expert.

I messed up big time! I slept with him last night. Thought if I slept with him, and he spend the night, he will see the real me, and dumped his “x girlfriend” I honestly don’t know what to do, to stop being so pathetic. He phoned me this morning, and I demanded to know if he wants to be with me or with her. Yeah you guessed it; he wants to try with her!! I hanged up. I texted him, and told him, not to contact me, not to text me, not even look in my direction. My heart is broken, and I know that it is my own fault. The frustrating thing is, I know I’m well balanced, good at my work, I’m a pleasant person, and strong, why do I let these men walk all over me. I’ve read thousands of self help books, about self respect and self love etc… But I don’t stick with all my good intentions. What must I do now? On the one side, I actually want him back. Pathetic I know. On the other side I want to run him over. Please give me some advice?


I think too many of us find ourselves in this situation. I think the best thing for you to do is move on. Let go of him, let go of the anger, let go of the hurt and forgive yourself. So you made a mistake of which now you can learn from. He was a jerk and you deserve better. Don't text him, call him or anything, just forget him. He has far too much power and you need to take care of you.

All the books in the world can't change our own thinking if we don't let it. I love to learn and read things, but I think books dealing with relationships or anything having to do with people and their psyche are way over-rated. There are many books and it's all just someone's opinion. There are far too many people and far too many opinions. Go with what is in your heart. You actually have to believe that you are worth it. As said by someone before, you deserve more than to be someone's seconds (scraps).

I would go on in my life without him. If he can hurt you now, early in your relationship, he will continue to hurt you later. It doesn't get better.

I hope at least some of that made sense. (I'm a little rusty.)

how would I know I don't mix solid ingredients to liquid? But I work in the pharma industry. I can at least provide you something. Anyways, this is nonsense. I'll leave this group perhaps I can leave everything to some chemist expert.

If I may offer a better solution, focus on helping the Poster as they are the ones with questions. We all have our opinions and we are all different. All our experiences are valuable to pass along to some one who can benefit from them. Please don't take things so personal. We try to help and take it from someone with a masters degree from the college of hard knocks, None of us is perfect.

Spare with me not all with MS degree have brilliant mind. Depends which study/school you go to.

FORGET HIM!! Work on yourself make yourself a better person. Make yourself happy, because if you aren't happy with yourself you will never be happy in a relationship! And for god sake stop being one night stands or booty calls