harassedmom31
Apr 1, 2009, 07:23 AM
Please bear with me, this is a complex question:
I was served yesterday with a summons stating that my ex husband is suing for custody of our two sons, ages 8 & 10. I have no money for an attorney and legal aid services are difficult to come by. My ex, however, married an attorney when we divorced.
First of all, my ex and I cohabitated for for 11 years and were married for nine of those years. During the marriage, my ex was abusive in every form imaginable: verbally, emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually. He isolated me from all my friends and family, ensuring that I had no one to turn to for help to get out of the situation. Finally, in October of 2007, I called a Domestic Violence hotline and with the help of a local legal advocate, obtained a protective order against my ex and vacated the family home with my children. But several months later, after pleas from family and friends that my ex had cried to about my leaving, I dropped the order to allow him visitation with the children.
Things were fine at first. We had entered into a separation agreement, though never filed it with the courts. We both upheld the agreement for several months. I even allowed him extra visitation with the children. But, when I began to make friends and started dating, he stopped paying child support that we had agreed upon in the agreement. I was working a full-time job, but lost my job almost as soon as he stopped assisting financially. I was left penniless. I couldn't make my car payment, I couldn't even put gas in the car to look for another job. After selling off all my furniture to try to keep things together long enough to find work, I ended up having to move in with friends. I still had no access to money and no form of transportation. So, when I was at my lowest point, my ex filed for divorce and an ex parte order granting him temporary custody. I didn't even have the right or opportunity to defend myself to avoid having them removed from the home. In the state of GA, whoever files for divorce first is granted custody if they want it. No questions asked!
My ex even told my children to forget about me. That they wouldn't see me anymore and they should start calling his new attorney/girlfriend "mom". Fortunately, I was able to obtain legal counsel through a grant for victims of domestic violence. Under the advice of my attorney, I moved in with my mother and was able to find a job. During the 3 weeks my children lived with my ex, the children stayed with me every weekend ,and once a period of a full week. When the children were with me they told me stories of verbal abuse being done to them by their father. Eventually, just before we were about to go to court, my ex called me to say that he'd agree to let me have joint legal custody with me as the primary pysical custodian and he'd agree to all of the terms we'd laid out in our initial separation agreement. Under my attorneys advice, I agreed.
The children have now been with me for 9 months. During that time, my ex and I have both remarried. My husband is from VA. Although he moved to GA with me and the children to avoid any custody issues, he was unable to find employment there. When we were both offered jobs in VA, my husband and I decided to move so that we could provide financially for the children. (By the way, at this point my ex had yet to begin paying child support as ordered in the divorce agreement.) We have been living in VA now for 5 and 1/2 months. And my ex has been paying child support only for the last 2 of those months. He is still over $3,000 in arrears. My spouse and I have been providing all of the care for the children, physically and financially. My ex has had only 2 visitations with the children during this time. There were no provisions in our divorce as to who was responsible for transportation of the children for visitation exchanges. My husband and I once made the trip to take the children to their father's doorstep and returned 2 days later to retrieve them. However, this is financially a hardship and almost impossible with work schedules and the children's school schedules. I offered repeatedly to meet halfway to exchange the children, but my ex would only agree to it once at Thanksgiving. And when the children were brought back, my ex and his lawyer/wife launched a verbal assault on me in the presence of the children, even going so far as to punch our car. After the children returned home, my older son reported to school counselors that his dad had thrown him on the ground, kicked him and pushed him down some stairs. My younger son was witness to this. In light of all of this, I refused to communicate with my ex. (He made threatening and harassing phone calls for weeks after this, even threatening my husband's life.) However, I did continue to allow him to talk to the children when he called. But one of my sons has had to be put into therapy because of all the things he has witnessed or been a victim of because of his father.
My ex never filed to have his visitation enforced, never showed up to get the children for visits, even though he had our address, and I never told him he couldn't see the children. He never called to have "welfare check" done to make sure they were in a safe environment. Just frequent phone calls. Now, out of the blue, my ex is suing for permanent custody of my children and calling me an unfit mother. His grounds are that it wasn't in their best interest to move to VA(even though there was no provision in the divorce to stop me from moving and he has never protested the move until now), that I have refused him visitation with the children, that I refuse to communicate with him, that the children have had poor school attendance( they've missed less days since moving to VA than they did on average when my ex and I still cohabitated, although they did miss 2 weeks while we were moving and getting them registered due to their prior school not forwarding their records but they still have straight A's and one is even in Gifted programs), and not having a stable home. We have been at the same address for 5 & 1/2 months, they have their own room, their own beds, and anything any child could need. We attend church regularly, my husband is employed ( I babysit from our home to earn money so that I'm still available for my sons), the children have a pediatrician, dentist, therapist, and receive regularly medical care.
I know I'm a good mother, but I'm terrified to go to court without legal representation. Also, my ex is insisting that the custody issue be heard in GA, even though the children have established lives in VA. By the way, the town where the hearing is set in is a small town where my children's new stepmom knows EVERYONE. She'll probably have the judge over for dinner the night before we go to court.
I'm a nervous wreck over this (also, I'm 6 weeks pregnant and terrified that all of this stress will harm my baby). I would appreciate any advice anyone could give me on my situation. Thanks.
I was served yesterday with a summons stating that my ex husband is suing for custody of our two sons, ages 8 & 10. I have no money for an attorney and legal aid services are difficult to come by. My ex, however, married an attorney when we divorced.
First of all, my ex and I cohabitated for for 11 years and were married for nine of those years. During the marriage, my ex was abusive in every form imaginable: verbally, emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually. He isolated me from all my friends and family, ensuring that I had no one to turn to for help to get out of the situation. Finally, in October of 2007, I called a Domestic Violence hotline and with the help of a local legal advocate, obtained a protective order against my ex and vacated the family home with my children. But several months later, after pleas from family and friends that my ex had cried to about my leaving, I dropped the order to allow him visitation with the children.
Things were fine at first. We had entered into a separation agreement, though never filed it with the courts. We both upheld the agreement for several months. I even allowed him extra visitation with the children. But, when I began to make friends and started dating, he stopped paying child support that we had agreed upon in the agreement. I was working a full-time job, but lost my job almost as soon as he stopped assisting financially. I was left penniless. I couldn't make my car payment, I couldn't even put gas in the car to look for another job. After selling off all my furniture to try to keep things together long enough to find work, I ended up having to move in with friends. I still had no access to money and no form of transportation. So, when I was at my lowest point, my ex filed for divorce and an ex parte order granting him temporary custody. I didn't even have the right or opportunity to defend myself to avoid having them removed from the home. In the state of GA, whoever files for divorce first is granted custody if they want it. No questions asked!
My ex even told my children to forget about me. That they wouldn't see me anymore and they should start calling his new attorney/girlfriend "mom". Fortunately, I was able to obtain legal counsel through a grant for victims of domestic violence. Under the advice of my attorney, I moved in with my mother and was able to find a job. During the 3 weeks my children lived with my ex, the children stayed with me every weekend ,and once a period of a full week. When the children were with me they told me stories of verbal abuse being done to them by their father. Eventually, just before we were about to go to court, my ex called me to say that he'd agree to let me have joint legal custody with me as the primary pysical custodian and he'd agree to all of the terms we'd laid out in our initial separation agreement. Under my attorneys advice, I agreed.
The children have now been with me for 9 months. During that time, my ex and I have both remarried. My husband is from VA. Although he moved to GA with me and the children to avoid any custody issues, he was unable to find employment there. When we were both offered jobs in VA, my husband and I decided to move so that we could provide financially for the children. (By the way, at this point my ex had yet to begin paying child support as ordered in the divorce agreement.) We have been living in VA now for 5 and 1/2 months. And my ex has been paying child support only for the last 2 of those months. He is still over $3,000 in arrears. My spouse and I have been providing all of the care for the children, physically and financially. My ex has had only 2 visitations with the children during this time. There were no provisions in our divorce as to who was responsible for transportation of the children for visitation exchanges. My husband and I once made the trip to take the children to their father's doorstep and returned 2 days later to retrieve them. However, this is financially a hardship and almost impossible with work schedules and the children's school schedules. I offered repeatedly to meet halfway to exchange the children, but my ex would only agree to it once at Thanksgiving. And when the children were brought back, my ex and his lawyer/wife launched a verbal assault on me in the presence of the children, even going so far as to punch our car. After the children returned home, my older son reported to school counselors that his dad had thrown him on the ground, kicked him and pushed him down some stairs. My younger son was witness to this. In light of all of this, I refused to communicate with my ex. (He made threatening and harassing phone calls for weeks after this, even threatening my husband's life.) However, I did continue to allow him to talk to the children when he called. But one of my sons has had to be put into therapy because of all the things he has witnessed or been a victim of because of his father.
My ex never filed to have his visitation enforced, never showed up to get the children for visits, even though he had our address, and I never told him he couldn't see the children. He never called to have "welfare check" done to make sure they were in a safe environment. Just frequent phone calls. Now, out of the blue, my ex is suing for permanent custody of my children and calling me an unfit mother. His grounds are that it wasn't in their best interest to move to VA(even though there was no provision in the divorce to stop me from moving and he has never protested the move until now), that I have refused him visitation with the children, that I refuse to communicate with him, that the children have had poor school attendance( they've missed less days since moving to VA than they did on average when my ex and I still cohabitated, although they did miss 2 weeks while we were moving and getting them registered due to their prior school not forwarding their records but they still have straight A's and one is even in Gifted programs), and not having a stable home. We have been at the same address for 5 & 1/2 months, they have their own room, their own beds, and anything any child could need. We attend church regularly, my husband is employed ( I babysit from our home to earn money so that I'm still available for my sons), the children have a pediatrician, dentist, therapist, and receive regularly medical care.
I know I'm a good mother, but I'm terrified to go to court without legal representation. Also, my ex is insisting that the custody issue be heard in GA, even though the children have established lives in VA. By the way, the town where the hearing is set in is a small town where my children's new stepmom knows EVERYONE. She'll probably have the judge over for dinner the night before we go to court.
I'm a nervous wreck over this (also, I'm 6 weeks pregnant and terrified that all of this stress will harm my baby). I would appreciate any advice anyone could give me on my situation. Thanks.