My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 1/2 years, we have a beautiful daughter, 3 dogs, a cat and we own a home together. Could almost sound like a perfect family if I weren't so dumb. Our relationship was going pretty wonderful... I was having some personal problems but he just went on the ride until I started getting better. Well for the last week everything has been great. No fighting, no silent treatments, things seem to be great. Then Friday night we went out for a friends birthday, I got drunk... stupid running my mouth black-out drunk... (this is so embarrassing but I need advice and can't talk to anyone else about it) We got home and one thing led to another, and so I'm told because I don't remember anything, I had made a comment while we were having sex "we have to hurry before Teddy gets home" :eek: Teddy is my boyfriend, the one I was with. The only one I've been with in the last 4 1/2 years. So you can imagine how that went over when he woke me up the next morning. He keeps telling me I owe him an explination. But I honestly don't have one. I can't even believe I would imagine being with another man... drunk or sober... I love him, I'm so happy with him, he's been with me through so much and I with him as well. I don't know what to do. We are talking now but I can still feel the tention between us and I absolutely don't blame him one bit. I'm so lost right now. All of a sudden I don't even know what's going on inside my own head, let alone him. Does anyone have anything that might help me. I just want to show/tell him that I never had and never would cheat on him. He used to know and believe that, now he's even making comments about who I'm on the phone with and what were talking about. He's never not trusted me and I caused this. How can I help him. He doesn't deserve this what's wrong with me, why would I throw my life away like that drunk or sober. PLEASE HELP!!
PS I have told him that I am not drinking again until at least the end of the year. I don't like drinking and I had no desire to, just following the birthday I guess.

I am completely 100% against pornography. A few times back in the beining of our relationship I caught my b/f looking at it, or even just found an old vhs he had stashed somewhere and I flip. I actually left him for 2 weeks because I told him if he has to look at porn, then I'm not good enough for him, then to me that means he's cheeting on me. Hell I think it's worse then cheating because he's passing up me (a real person) for pictures on a computer or TV. Well since then he's stopped. But I still find myself checking the internet and the TV bills to make sure he isn't still doing it behind my back. So my question is, is there something wrong with me for feeling this way? Or is it normal?

The situation just happen so it still fresh, give it few days. He might or might not come around.

Was it possible that while you was drunk you thought you was having sex with someone else other than Teddy?

The only thing I could think of is to give him some time to absorp what happen and than have a meaningful open talk about it. Right now he is upset, and who wouldn't, but no matte what you say he isn't buying it especially since you tried talking to him already.

Will he trust you again, I don't know. But I do know he going be watching you like a hawk. Every movement is going be clocked because he going be looking for any dishonesty.

You need to give him a few days to sort this out in his head. After a few days(Friday I would say) sit him down and talk to him. Be prepared though, he will probably still be angry. I would be a little more than upset if that happened to me and would definitely question the trust level I have

Well I was answering the porn question and I had a lot of thoughts invested into my answer, when the question disappeared. Ugh.

So I am going to try and rehash my thoughts.

It is always normal to have feelings, but your feelings about porn aren't rational.

You are connecting porn with the viewer desire to not be with his/her partner. Porn is more about opportunity without obligation.

Have you ever watched porn yourself? Are your issues related to a particular situation?

Your so against porn because your insecure about yourself. Porn doesn't means he is cheating or wants to. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want you or desire you.

You over reacted and leaving him for 2 weeks is over the top. I guess now he is going have to sneak and watch it just to respect your wishes.

Porn isn't cheating, it won't lead to cheating and it's really not a big deal, unless you are insecure with yourself. Which you seem to be, that should be your first concern. You need to fix yourself and your issues. Going through his personal belongings is a very big no no

I'm not sure why these went together but either way. As far as the porn one, what I don't understand is why any party in a relationship needs it if they are pysically, emotionally.. etc.. Satisfied with one another? I have never been insecure with myself until In my past I invites my partner into the shower with me and I was turned down. Only to get out of the shower and find them playing with theirself to pron on the internet. In my opinion I just got shot down and that told me they got turned on more by the pron then by me. Is that wrong. That is when I believe it to be cheating. I was naked in the shower with a shotdown invite for them to do their business over some s!&t online. I don't get it. But I also make it clear with any relationship I'm gtting into how againt it I am. Its nevr a secret!!

I would discuss this scenerio with your partner individually, but sometimes porn is about opportunity without the obligation... meaning that sometimes, men just want to get off... and women require a lot of work with respect to foreplay and extended intercourse and to be honest there is A lot of work to shower sex, maybe he was upset about something on that day with you. All in all, you are talking about a one time experience and he was with himself, that is not cheating!

If you disagree with porn, is he "allowed" to masterbate?

No!

I don't get it. But I also make it clear with any relationship im gtting into how againt it i am. its nevr a secret!!!!!!
Maybe revealing your weakness from the beginning isn't a great idea after all.


I actually left him for 2 weeks because I told him if he has to look at porn, then I'm not good enough for him, then to me that means he's cheeting on me.
And then...


If you disagree with porn, is he "allowed" to masterbate?

no!!
Oh man.

Who knows if your boyfriend will ever trust you again, but you've definitely thrown gas on the fire that's been burning for a long, long time.

Masturbation is completely normal, and it doesn't mean that he is cheating or wants someone else. Why does it bother you so much? Did you ever think that he may be thinking of you when he does?

To the OP, you stated an shower incident that happen in the past, was it with your current partner?

If not, you shouldn't hold what someone else did to you in past on him. I sure females did some bad things to him in the past and he doesn't hold it against you. Right?

Your threads were merged, so readers get a clear picture, and all the info for reasonable feedback, and advice. Sorry for the inconvenience, to everyone.

T

On one hand you made a mistake and want to be forgiven, but on the other hand you seek to forbid what he considers to be normal(most people do), and react irrationally about it.

Where is the balance and compromise? Could his reaction to you be revenge for your reactions about the porn? I think so.

If you can't compromise with him, don't expect him to compromise with you. And stop drinking, forever.

That's my opinion, and advice.

If you can't handle the alcohol, then don't drink the alcohol. It's really that easy

I think it should be "if your going drink know your limits". I go out drinking sometimes but know when enough is enough so I stop.

Most people do Liz, but it seems as though she didn't. So my advice is for her to not drink because she doesn't know where her limits lie.

Alcohol is a convient excuse, I'm not buying this one.

Your boyfriend has been on edge since you proclaimed yourself supreme dictator of the relationship. He can't look at porn and yet you, allegedly, implied you were having or have had sex with another guy.

If you truly are innocent, then it's obvious he's making this up.

I can't even imagine how you would have reacted in the opposite seat, since porn and masturbation are not "allowed".

I think you need to thank your lucky stars that this man is willing to put up with this and for 4 1/2 years. Just know going forward, not many, if any men would put up with being told they can't masterbate, which is a natural function of the human body.

No doubt the only thing he has learned from you is dishonesty. There isn't any doubt in my mind that now he just hides such things from your narrow minded opinion.

I guess she is like things done her way.

If I told my fiancé he could never masterbate, he would give me a piece of his mind before making an exit.

Be happy that he's masterbating and not out cheating because some men actually cheat. But than again you think looking at porn is worse than cheating, so this guy just can't win.

I d apreciate everyone's opinions and I am taking them all into considerations. But there were a few jumping to conclusions... I am not controlling, in fact not in any way other than this porn and everything. It was him with the shower situation and ever since that way (in the beginning of the relationship) he understands my point of view. I was just asking if there is something wrong with me... As I said he understands and actually has begunto agree. As far as the other situation, we are almost back to normal already. I am not much of a drinker hence the night and Have agreed that it's not for me. And nothing like this has ever happened before and he has never had reason not to trust me before. I so feel like I'm kind of being judged as a whore or something and I absolutely am not. I do believe from the bottom of my heart in spending your life with one special person. And I also believe that's him. If anything this proves it because we've given it time and sat down and talked and he understands, in fact maybe more than I. As I said I don't drink often and he does... But as I said I still do appreciate all the input and advice and would love to coninue receiving anything anyone has to say. It's because of this chatting that I had the nerve to sit and talk to him and save our relationship to begin with... Thank you all so much!!

I am happy things worked out.:-)

I am sorry if you thought people was calling you a whore but I think you misunderstood or maybe I should go back and read but I know the members that answered this thread isn't disrespectful. Maybe harsh but again not disrespectful.

You got label as controlling because of the porn and masterbating issues(which masterbating is totally nature) along with your reaction towards this issue. But I think your against from the whole shower incident and I would've been disappointed to but I would've discuss it as well. That's all!

I am glad glad you was able to work things out and I hope your relationship continue to grow and I think you should be a little more open and compromising and not blow up to fast.xxxx

So he has permission to masturbate??

So he has permission to masturbate????

Nope, still not quite comfortable with that yet. But he's not complaining and I'm trying to work on my own issues as well!

Not complaining to you anyway!!

Not complaining, because he just learns how to hide it.

That is part of how masturbation can work ;) I don't know every time my partner masterbates, but I would be hurt if he felt he had to hide it from me.

I commend you for working on your relationship. I am happy that he is willing to handle your insecurities as many would not. Good luck to you, but please address your issues with masturbation before your children become teenagers, as they WILL masterbate and it won't be appropriate for you to make them feel shameful of it, as you do with your partner.

First, I understand what it's like to get blacked out drunk and say things you clearly don't mean. In my opinion, I believe alcohol stirs up certain emotions and the junk that comes out of our mouths can be just that. I think everyone can say that they've said something or done something that they clearly would not do when they are sober (why do you think the phrase "beer-goggles" got generated). I think your man will come around and trust you again being that you have 4.5 years under your belt. He'd be a fool to rate 4.5 years on one drunken night.

With that being said:
Access to naughty websites is readily available at the click of a mouse nowadays. Although, it may be hard for you to accept it, your man is going to look at porn. How often he will look at it, is the question. He may dive in once a week, month, or quarter, but he's going to dive in (a kleenex box next to the computer is a sure sign). All he has to do is erase the Internet History. So you can do one or two things, either accept it or don’t have a relationship with a man (unless he's really Christian or something). Because he will take a sample every now and then (whether at your home computer or elsewhere). Shaking your finger at him and saying "No you can't look at porn" is like telling a little boy in a room full of legoes that he can't play. You can't shut off human attraction, so he can still fantasize about doing these things without actually watching porn. It could be with you or a pretty bartender he glanced at the other night, who knows. We can't read minds, but I would be very skeptical if my boyfriend said "I've never fantasized about being with another woman sexually, I only think about you."
If your man has ever said this to you, and you believed him, saying you're naïve is clearly an understatement. There's grit and passion with porn videos, just like there is with a football game; he isn't any less attracted to you when he watches them. It's just something quick and naughty and perhaps the things he watches are dirty deeds that you won't do with him. This isn't meant to offend you by any means. If you accept that he may watch porn once in awhile, then you can embrace it. Then you can eventually find adult videos that you really like and can start a his and her collection. It's also a great way to get closer to your man, which from reading your other b logs is clearly what you need. If he sees how much you enjoy it or that your loosening up a bit, it will probably really turn him on. He'll interpret it as a sign of confidence, and make you feel real sexy if you dive into one together. Baby steps though. If hardcore makes you uncomfortable try watching a softcore (like the ones on Cinemax) You won't see any vag, penis, or jiz with softcore just nice tan bodies and breasts; there's also a story with softcore if that would help you fantasize. Hee hee hee, now if you'll excuse me...